The Lack Of Action In My Blood

8.2.11

4:24 pm

 

I feel...so hollow at this moment.

24 is over.

No closure, no big finish, no Jack Bauer vs. A Renegade Asteroid or Angry Tsunami or a clone of himself.

Yes, yes, there were some crazy moments, just like there are in every season of the show; Jack did get dressed up in some crazy, all black government killer outfit, causing an evil ex-President to actually scream the words, "It's Jack Bauer! He's coming to get me!" like a teenage girl in a slasher flick while pointing and weeping.

But.

You know.

I wanted more.

Something irrevocable.

There were rumors of a ninth season on some other network, but the price tag was too high.

Then rumors of a 24 movie which would sort of defeat the purpose unless it was 24 hours long and in real time.

Anyway, let's not focus on the past.

I need to lock down the future.

Where the hell am I going to get my ridiculous action fix?

I need my ridiculous action fix.

I need perpetual action with a huge number of cliffhangers and bad acting.

Fuck.

I can feel the sense of urgency the show instilled in me draining out of my body like piss.

*sigh*

 

In other news, I have officially recorded half of Philip Tucker's The Grind Show. 

The first eleven chapters have been edited and are ready to go.

Again, if I only had a quiet place to record this thing, it would have been over about two months ago, but, hey, welcome to New fucking York fucking City.

Fucker.

I'm finding that the more characters there are in a chapter, the longer the recording takes.

Especially when Jeremy (who totally has to be Irish because it's integral to the plot and who couldn't ever be Scottish NOOOOO!) is involved.

I need a studio and an engineer and a director and an editor.

Just remember that when you listen to the final product.

I was lacking these key elements one has when recording an audio book.

I'm happy with what's gone on thus far, I just wish it sounded more professional for those out there that are going to buy a copy.

Whoever you are.

I have to say, Phil, next time you want something recorded, try to have the release of the book AND the audio version coincide.

Not really sure how many people are going to buy this...

Do you have any friends who are readers but are also legally blind?

Beside me?

Oh! I have an idea! Arrange a book tour and then blind the people who come to buy your book with acid!

They'll have no choice but to get the audio version!

I mean, they were there to buy the damn book, right?

Money. Maker.

Someone should shake me...

 

I'm going to try my damnedest to pop out one chapter a night until I'm done, but "early" "morning" auditions the next day and the baking heat of my room (with door and windows closed to minimize the goddamn noise) make a liar out of me.

HEAR ME: I am still enjoying myself and it is an honor and a challenge to have undertaken this task, but it's just getting drawn out is all.

And we still don't know if anyone is going to even by a copy.

THAT is the rub.

It's like an audition, but instead of ten minutes and a paragraph of text you're tossing out there, it's hours and hours of talking and editing.

Yeesh.

But whatever, I dig the book, I'm in the book and the writer is not only a best friend, but also a great writer who has the ability to grab the reader by the brain's balls and make them dig his shit xmax.

So fuck you, read his book and then listen to his fucking book, read by me, you filthy god damn pigs.

 

Phil, the above statement...book jacket/audio book blurb?

...call me...

 

Planning on seeing Captain America tomorrow.

The movie, not the superhero.

If I can find a show around 86th street, I might follow this up with some hot dogs and papaya dust juice.

Goodness gracious is that stuff addictive.

I haven't had it in years, but, yeah...that stuff is addictive.

 

And finally, I just found out yesterday that TMBG is having their 30th anniversary show (the actual date of their first show, but thirty years later) on January 28th, 2012 in Los Angels.

As it happens, my birthday is three days before that and I am considering flying out to see the show, all the Kevin Smith podcast shit I can and hang with Will and Diana.

And possibly take in a real good meal in Glendale.

And go to JC Penny.

And eat at a Zankou Chicken.

But the show is seated and the people more obsessed than me have already bought up a lot of the good seats.

So, not sold yet.

I put an e-mail out to the Instant Fan Club folks to see what the deal is, but, yeah, not sold yet.

 

More updates as I see fit.

 

This Weekend In Sloth

7.25.11

5:03 pm

 

Thursday evening, Chris and I put in our air conditioner and then I dragged my mattress into the living room.

It has been there since.

My increased proximity to my entertainment center has resulted in the following: less motion.

BUT I did manage to record the 18th chapter of The Grind Show.

I think it may have been a massive fail as far as this project goes.

Hopefully it's all up hill from here.

Or uphill, whichever Spell Check deems fitting.

Along with that, I finished a remix I've had in the back of my head since...well, 1997.

Not for public consumption, this is just for me to enjoy and that makes it okay.

 

Other than these two "achievements" everything else was flan, baby.

I watched The Green Hornet (might be worse than The Shadow, but I'm not sure. No, wait, yes, I'm sure, because this was made IN THE PAST YEAR).

Watched Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (bottom line, these people are having fun and it's fun to watch people having fun...at least when one of them is Steve Guttenberg).

Saw Horrible Bosses with Jeannie and Chris (best 'R' rated comedy I've seen in a while, better than both Brides Maids and Bad Teacher).

I'm also still chewing my way through the final season of 24.

Beginning to get really concerned about where I'm going to get my mindless action fix once this show is gone from my life.

In a moment of panic, I took Netflix's advice and added the entirety of Prison Break, half out of desperation and half out of wonder at how in the fuck they're going to stretch a prison break over five fucking seasons.

Made the prison is a prison for prisons?

SPOILERS!!!

I am gloriously happy that Netflix has added the next two seasons of That Mitchell and Webb Look to their Instant Thing.

I watched most of the second series last night and had trouble not waking Christina with my laughter.

There is a little bit they do at the end of one of the episodes (as themselves) involving the creation of cheese which is incredibly funny.

 

As for paper TV, I am still reading A Clash of Kings and it really is a chapter by chapter thing now.

Once I've drilled through that, I plan to take a break with either John Hodgman's Areas of My Expertise, the third and final book in the Millennium trilogy, the Hunger Games series (recommended by Jeannie) or maybe the latest book in the Dresden Files, Ghost Story, which comes out tomorrow.

One thing is for sure: whenever I choose to read it, I'll be buying it tomorrow to avoid being book-raped for buying it next week, when the price triples.

And yes, I do know two people working for the publisher, both who could probably get me a copy for free, but I haven't spoken to them in maybe half a year or more and that would be a bit obvious, no?

I also have the latest Terry Pratchett...

Mm...reading options...

 

Should be wrapping up Saint's Row 2 soon and I'm fine with that.

Feeling a bit of open world burnout.

Might finish Portal 2's co-op if Will ever drags himself away from his dead end exploring-the-universe job and focuses up.

WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT GLADOS IS UP TO!!!!

 

Also did some research on iPads.

God damn those things are expensive.

Even the basic model.

Anyone know Bill Gates?

Or where he keeps his iPad?

...call me...

 

All right then.

You've had enough.

Art Poop

7.19.11

3:38 pm

 

By the way, the definition in the Paulitosphere of "art poop" is as follows:

 

(n.) Stuff that comes out of one's brainus

 

And, if you need to ask what a brainus is...then you don't have one.

 

My "vacation" was bliss except for the awful, hateful heat, in which I become a misery.

I believe, at times, that I am part rock troll.

As promised, I finished the seventh season of 24 (totally thought Jack was going to die except for the fact that the eighth season exists and that Jack is in it, not dead), wrapped up my time with Resident Evil 5 (a very enjoyable experience, SO many Infected Africans dead by my hand...you're welcome), stepped into the GTA-like pool of Saint's Row 2 (badly designed at times, but overall so far so good), drank bubble tea at least once a day, had dinner with Chris a record-breaking four days in a row, saw Bad Teacher which wasn't awful but suffered from Apatow Placebo Syndrome and saw the remake of Alice In Wonderland.

I have to say, regarding that movie, I don't get why people hated it so much.

For what they did wrong, they did a whole lot right, even if they didn't spell it all out for you.

 

AND, along with all this delicious nothing, I finished editing and submitted my entry to They Might Be Giants' "Can't Keep Johnny Down" video contest, in which, I found out late last night, I was named as one of the six runners up.

As a prize, the judge, writer and Personal Computer John Hodgman is going to buy me a pizza.

His issues with my video were all technical (lighting, editing, overall muddiness) and have pushed me over the edge.

I have recruited Ray to help me find a camera that: A. is not a shitty cow dick, B. is not over 11 years old and C. is not a shitty cow dick.

My focus is on A and C, although B is also of great import.

I've heard Tiger Electronics is a place to start looking...

Will has strongly suggested that I start a Kickstarter using the promise of custom-made videos, George Washington Diarrhea songs and other weird shit no one would ever pay for to raise money for said new camera.

Totally unrelated, did you know that Sir Richard Branson just bought Kickstarter?

Me neither.

But I digress.

After seeing the other runners up and the winner, I must say I don't think the winner should have won.

I am NOT saying that mine should have, it really does look like shit compared to HD videos of actual shit, but there were two other runners up that top the winners, hands down.

I'm going to stop saying "runners up" now because it sounds weird and wrap this up by saying I am super super happy to have ranked among the top six of over a hundred entrants.

This video wouldn't have happened without the help of Ray, Steve, Paul (not me or the Simon Pegg movie, but another person actually named Paul), Lauren and her Scotsman, Brian.

And it would totally never EVER have happened without Christina, who gave up her July 4th to embark upon on of the most obnoxious filming days ever.

 

Speaking of segues...I woke unrealistically early today to obtain a super special wristband which grants me entrance into tomorrow evening's free TMBG in store appearance at the SoHo Apple Store.

Maybe I'll get an iPad while I'm there.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Get it?

You will.

It's a way-homer.

After my adventure to the SewHoe, I went to an audition for Papa Gino's Pizza which was very fun and then I picked up the CD version of the new They Might Be Giants album, thus releasing me from any and all guilty feeling regarding my illegal download of the album last week.

Or any album.

Ever.

For reals.

The album is good.

It's not great, but it's good.

I'm far too close to be objective so I'm interested to hear what Will or Bill have to say, guys who are more...less psychotic...about the band than I.

Although I do blame Will for this initial psychosis ("we have Hank" I believe the text of the poster was to read...) and Bill for putting me in actual, physical contact with my objects of obsession, however, in the long run, that encounter seems to have made me less psychotic about them as people, if not about their music and the rate at which they produce it.

As long as they keep their distance from kid's music for a while (say eighty or ninety years), I think we'll alllll be fine.

 

Switching gears, there was a writ passed down from the Rich White Guys running my Hospital that if anyone trips, slips or falls while in the facility, they are NOT TO BE HELPED BY ANYONE THAT ISN'T NURSING STAFF.

Great, so not only are you humiliated by your (most likely very public) fall to the ground (maybe into a puddle of something if you're lucky!!!!), you must remain there in pain and embarrassment until someone with less intelligence that a rotting fish stick (BUT ONE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF PAPER) can find a moment to trundle over to you, tut tutting about how clumsy you "is".

In related news, there was a memo sent out to all employees from the Employee Health Service Office...turns out that there have been a lot of incident reports of employees slipping and falling because they were wearing inappropriate footwear (plastic sandals, shoes with plastic soles, etc.).

The irony...it tastes like funny...

 

Watched the Dark Knight Rises teaser earlier today.

A full year before the film's scheduled release date.

*sigh*

This is going to be a long year.

 

And that is absolutely everything I've done.

I also sweated a lot.

Horribly so.

Like something might be wrong with my pituitary gland or my endocrine levels or my duodenum.

It's like I'm leaking.

Thank god I've already gotten that "meeting my soulmate" thing out of the way, because, seriously, what human woman would want me now?

None.

It would be Swamp Women or nothing for me.

So, thanks again, Chris, for all your work on the video and, you know, me.

Two Decisions, One Realization and Some Bullshit

6.28.11

3:13 pm

 

I've had a realization: Kevin James is probably the best comparison for white people to what Tyler Perry is for black people.

Both as far as his mind-boggling popularity with the masses and his uncanny ability to irritate more than an oozing skin rash on one's coronal ridge that extends to the perineum and all the way up to the ass neck.

Does anyone have any government connections?

Like say...connections that would be interested in killing James, Perry and Larry the Cable Guy and making it look like some sick, S&M murder-suicide?

Tweet me.

On the DL.

Oh, quick aside, the new Twitter is a bag of dicks.

 

Also, I've made a decision: when forced to interact with the few individuals here that I loathe, I am going to speak with a slight but noticeable speech impediment

More precisely, I am going to talk in what I like to call my Big Dumb Voice.

Ask me for a demonstration some time, you'll be so happy you did.

This is solely for my own benefit, but if these people end up hating it, well, bonus.

What are they going to do, report me for "talking funny"?

I'd love to be called into some office for that.

It would start quite an interesting dialogue...which would get me super fired, super fast.

 

I've also decided to take part in the recently announced contest to create an official music video for They Might Be Giant's latest single "Can't Keep Johnny Down".

While I might not love the song, the grand prize, aside from creating the official video for TMBG, is $1,000 and a pizza from the pizzeria of my choice.

John Hodgeman is the judge and I think I know what he likes.

Hint: it's not Macs.

 

 

In other creative news, last night I recorded chapter thirteen of forty one of The Grind Show.

Having some trouble with Javi at times, but hopefully it will work out.

 

And: I had a chance to plug in my new Warlock to my MBox and it sounds fucking awesome.

I am thinking about using it to make a more action packed theme for The Grind Show.

We'll see.

And, in case you were wondering, having an electric guitar does NOT mean I can suddenly play or even sound like I can play.

In fact, my first demo for that new theme was created by me using the guitar more as a keyboard than a guitar.

I also had a lot of effects on Pro Tools.

 

Anyway.

When not creating, I have been destroying.

Destroying Africans.

But don't worry, they're Infected Africans.

Hm.

None of that sounds good.

Let's take this again.

I have been playing Resident Evil 5, which features several moments which, if taken out of context, would look really bad to any random member of Amnesty International.

Really excellent, really frightening, sometimes frustrating game.

 

I've also gone back to the Action Teat that is 24.

Maybe a third of the way through season seven, the penultimate season.

Janeane Garafalo is a bit too Janeane Garafalo for me to forget that she is, in fact, Janeane Garafalo.

Dig?

I call it Bruce Wills Syndrome.

And people are now officially coming back from the dead.

And Jack has no government agency backing him this time around.

Stakes feel a little lower after all the crazy shit from the last few seasons, but, like I said, I'm only a third or the way though, things could, literally, go nuclear at, literally, any second.

Literally.

I'm getting concerned about what I'm going to do after season eight...how am I going to get my action fix?

I might turn to drugs...Action Drugs.

 

Speaking of Action Drugs.