You know what happens when you don't pay attention to your physical Netflix queue?
You get Rob Zombie's Halloween...and you watch it.
Now, I had seen this before and most of it seemed familiar. But, this time, I had some thoughts regarding this remake.
The first question that must have popped up was how in the fuck do we make Michael Myers the victim? Well, obviously, you make everyone around him worse than a soulless killing machine.
Also, make them white trash*.
No, trashier...little more trashy...more...moooore....okay.
No.
More.
Little more.
Okay, good.
There.
NOW we shall sympathize with little Michael Myers as he kills a whole bunch of people, and I did, until he killed his promiscuous sister with the great ass, there, right there did I stop identifying and rooting for the child psychopath.
A quick aside to state the obvious here: Sherri Moon (Rob Zombie's wife...the lucky fucking whoreson) is actually a really strong actress. She does broken and desperate yet loving very well.
I like the subtle reinterpretation and reintroduction of the trademark Halloween Mask (although, at times, it looks like Henry Winkler and, at other times, Dustin Hoffman, neither of which are William Shatner). The shading and different angels they use on it brings about a depth I'd never noticed before.
Way to go, Rob.
Then, after Malcolm McDowell (the esteemed British child psychologist who is slumming in Bugfuck, Illinois for some odd and unexplained reason) overacts and underachieves with him, little Michael goes from "troubled little boy" to "super crazy little fucker" by stabbing a lazy nurse (who was told to watch the kid who killed four people and doesn't) with a fork.**
Jump forward fifteen years: Michael Myers is grown up, almost seven feet tall, has long, scraggly hair that's always in his face....wait...am I Michael Myers? His only friend in the whole world is a janitor, played by Danny Trejo, which is always a good sign.
Now, another aside in which I shall address typical, stupid horror movie behavior. Some might say that this is sort of a tradition and that's why it's still allowed to happen and, in some cases, even celebrated, but others are smart and see it for what it is: laziness. Don't misunderstand, if you are making an hilarious parody of a horror movies and these stale-ass tropes, say Scary Movie or something like that, and want to have all the stereotypical characters get locked in a stereotypical situation where stereotypical things will happen to them, go for it, but, go big or go home. What is about to happen in this movie, some might consider "going big", but, personally, I consider it "going stupid".
So, in order to juxtapose the quiet, caring figure of Danny Trejo, we have the screamingly stupid, dickhead redneck who, somehow SOMEHOW isn't frightened or even mildly concerned with the fact that Michael Myers is a convicted murderer and fucking eight feet tall. In a less...Rob Zombie movie, this redneck might tease Michael or hit him with a stick or something, pushing him too far until he snaps, but, guys, this is a fucking Rob Zombie movie...go big or fuck you. So, rather than just pissing off Michael, the idiot redneck and his cousin/brother/moonshine pally, bring another patient, a teenage girl, into his cell AND THEN PROCEED TO RAPE HER.
*sigh*
At least they should have closed the door before they got started.
Michael, in a startling turn of events, kills the both of them, some chick and then, sadly, Danny Trejo, who whispers, pathetically, while Michael kills the shit out of him, "I was good to you!"
Well that's it! I am now 100% done sympathizing with Michael Myers.
For now.
Once Michael has officially escaped, there is a scene with McDowell (who hasn't stopped chewing the goddamn scenery since he walked on screen amidst a flourish of trumpets and rose petals) and Clint Howard.
I'm pretty sure it was at that point that this stopped even being a "movie" and descended into "flick" territory.
Next, Michael kills the only black man in the movie, an embarrassingly over-the-top caricature of a human, in a bathroom, and then walks a hundred miles in a very short time to return to his home town where he kills a bunch of teenage girls who were way overdue for killing and who all have lovely breasts and bottoms.*** Speaking of which, thanks to Michael and, I suppose, Rob Zombie, I was given a chance to see if I was aroused or not by bloody boobs. I am happy to report that I am not.****
There is also a random title card that reads "Trick or treat". Throughout this movie, yes, there have been title cards, but they have only been utilized to give context as to the scene (i.e. "Fifteen years later", "October 31st", etc.), so, I don't know, I guess I'm asking Rob Zombie, "Why? What's up with the random title card that says 'Trick or treat'? What the fuck were you thinking?"
Moving on.
Michael starts killing a lot of people, most of who end up crawling around for a few minutes before Michael ends it. At one point, he's chasing one girl who's looking after two kids and, once he breaks down the front door, the girl commands, "Into the bathroom!" which confused me, especially since the bathroom door was mostly made of glass. Although, even if it wasn't made of glass...it's the bathroom, why is that room more secure from mask-wearing serial killers? Just because you poop somewhere doesn't mean it's the safest place in the house.
Eventually, Michael squares off against his mortal enemy: his 16-year old sister, and, after taking, like, six fucking slugs from a .357 at close range and a goddamn butcher's knife to the neck, the big fucker dies.
Totally.
Once and for all.
Then, after he pops back up like an adolescent's boner and attacks the car in which McDowell and Michael estranged sister sit, McDowell utters what might be the most unintentionally funniest exclamation I've heard in a horror movie...Michael smashes through the passenger window and is in the process of dragging his sister out when McDowell yells, "Jesus Christ!!! What the hell is going on?!"
Acting, Malcolm, that is what the hell is going on.
And you are not invited.
In the end, Michael totally dies again, super for real and is now gone for good totally.
Yeah.
The sequel arrives in the mail tomorrow.
I've been told that "Weird" Al Yankovic has a cameo.
* But not regular, sad white trash like in Winter's Bone, no. This is a Rob Zombie movie, so make them White Zombie Trash.
** How come the lazy idiots I work with never get stabbed with forks for their incompetence?
*** Credit where credit's due.
**** I wholeheartedly believe it is good to know such things about one's self.
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