The Rush...Is On

*sigh*
I suppose I should actually recount my time in Alaska, you know, for posterity and the future and the children and all that bullshit.

All right, so Chris has a step-brother named Tom.
Tom, being a massive asshole, lives in Alaska and being a massive sweetheart, invited Chris and I to his wedding in Cooper Landing, a tiny place north (I guess, outside of New York City I have less concept of direction than a turtle in a centrifuge) of Anchorage.

Everything started with me playing Johnny Horton's "North To Alaska" at about 3:30 in the morning, it became a go-to for most of the trip, something like a lifeline or a constant that we could return to when things got weird...like that spinning top in Inception.
The cheapest and fastest flight there left from La Guardia at 6:45 am on Thursday, August 23rd. Since this meant being at the airport at 4:30 am (better safe than sorry and all that) and I got home from work at 11:30 pm, five hours before we had to be at the airport, I decided (because I am the smartest man in the world) to forgo the measly hour or two of winks before this massive undertaking.
At 3:50 or so, we called the amazing cab service that we've been using since Jess Howell's birthday party a few months ago that will bring you anywhere at any time for hardly any money, and got to the airport early. Two hours early.
Eventually, we got on the three hour or so American Airlines flight from New York to Chicago.
A quick side note: I do not, cannot sleep on planes. I can not do it. I'm 6'8 and this is one of the times in my life that is blows to be so. I also can not reason spending upwards of a thousand fucking dollars in order to alleviate my discomfort.
I'M A PARADOX.
CONTINUE!
Anyway, things were overly bright until I put on my sunglasses, hat and particle mask, then, while I didn't feel more human, I certainly felt more armored against what was about to take place.
Chris and I tried to interact but that was flobbery.
Bottom line: me on planes is shit and me on planes without sleep for many, many hours is double dippy doo dog shit.

We arrived in Alaska in the early afternoon of Thursday the 23rd and decided that we should stay up until 9 pm, Alaska time, in order to better function properly. Were we stupid to decide this?
Yes.
But, thanks to one Jesi Mullins, whose father was a tour guide in Anchorage, we had a whole slew of stuff to keep us awake.
First, we visited the Ulu Factory.
At first mention, I thought an Ulu was some sort of thick, Alaskan parka, or part of Cthulhu,, but, upon hearing it was a curved blade, I got really excited, picturing a massive double-handed weapon that could be used to kill shotgun-toting polar bears; the reality, that it is a tiny (the largest blade we could find was 8 inches) kitchen tool used for cutting fish, was rather disappointing.
So we bought one and, on our way out, some friendly dude handed me a free ice cream cone containing birch syrup and pecan ice cream. At that point, my impression of Alaska shifted somewhat.
We then drove about the dingy city of Anchorage (can't spell "Anchorage" without "rage") for a bit before checking into our hotel which was functional as a hotel and nothing more, although the check-in chick was SO HOT, I'm surprised there were any glaciers left in the state.
I said GOD DAMN.
Ermagherd.
Ser buuafeh
Next, lunch with Chris' stepmom and her father, who is the coolest grandpa alive.
HE MELTED THE BARREL OF A .30 CALIBER MACHINE GUN KILLING FOOLS IN WORLD WAR TWO.
Your argument is invalid.
I ate sweet potato tater tots with prosciutto and then a hot dog made of reindeer.
REINDEER.
I ATE IT ALL UP.
At that point, it was only about...I don't know, fucking time got fucked, but we knew we couldn't sleep yet, so, also thanks to Jesi, we headed towards Wild Berry Park, where there was a chocolate waterfall (not as impressive as the one in Willy Wonka, but still a chocolate waterfall nonetheless), crazy good candies and jellies and sauces and whatnot I've never had before AND REINDEER YOU COULD PET.
So Chris and I pet the reindeer (and got Reindeer Married) and sang to them while they alternately looked at us and shat.
Then, finally, it was late enough to consider sleep.
And so we did.
I have to say that I was expecting 40 hours without sleep to be like choice moments from Fear & Loathing, but it wasn't, I was just cranky.
Boo.

The next day's highlight was going to the Alaska Zoo and meeting, feeding and petting a red fox named Chance. It turns out that if you give the zoo money (like a hundred dollars), they let you play with certain animals (birds, polar bears, tigers, wolves and foxes to name a few).
So we went and fed Trip and Mac, two red foxes who didn't really seem to like us, and then got to pet a fox.
We pet a fox.
Fuck everything else you did on Friday the 24th of August, because me and the love of my life got to pet a fucking fox.
And he liked us.
Then, after finally wearing Chris down, I got anal.
Just kidding.
I got her to pull into a Barnes & Noble so I could buy Johnny Horton's greatest hits in order to listen to "North To Alaska" on our SUV's bumping speaker system as opposed to my iPad.
You could really get the low end on those background singers...
Then, more food, possibly the best on the trip except for the at the wedding.
I had mini-Kobe burgers with bleu cheese, bacon, caramelized onions and pineapple and an orgasm.
Along with that, I tried the braised short rib toast, which featured crazy good short ribs on a tiny piece of toast with a dollop of goat cheese on the top.
Boom.
Morgasms.
Then we headed out to Girdwood for some family weddingy dinner.
The drive finally got us out of Anchorage, which, as it turns out, had been our problem with Alaska thus far: it was awful. Anchorage was awful.
Like a huge, gray strip mall.
The drive included a shit ton of mist-shrouded mountains, any one of which could have housed an ancient civilization of shoggoths.
We listened to a bit of the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score then got creeped out and turned it off.
Then there was very good steak...and stuff I'm not allowed to talk about, as per Christina's request.
You know I'm not one for censorship of any kind, especially when the thing being censored is the truth and, in my worthless opinion, should be addressed so the issue can be solved, but, whatever, I'm marrying her and I love her and respect her, so, yeah.

The next morning, our last in Anchorage, involved a diner in which I had dessert for breakfast.
Next, we enjoyed the three hour drive north (?) to Cooper Landing, where the actual wedding and stuff was to take place. This drive, folks...was epic.
I may post pictures later or make that video I threatened to make, but they won't do it justice.
Eventually, we arrived at the Alaska Heavenly Lodge (which was neither like Twin Peaks nor Silent Hill) where there were three cabins for those staying on site.
Then we sat around.
Suddenly, everyone ran to the "rehearsal dinner", which, after two wrong turns and a monkeybag of confusion, consisted of some pretty good BBQ.
Then sleep, for the humans anyway.

The next day (the day of the wedding), we sat around and did nothing (although I was making quite a bit of headway in The Simpsons iOS game, Tapped Out) until around 3:30 (the ceremony was to take place around 4), when people started getting dressed and showering and, you know, whatever.
Then, Tom and Natalie got married, you know, and stuff.
Then there was food and, you know, dancing.
The food was exceptional; skewers of shrimp bigger than two penises tied end to end, a Shepard's Pie type thing that made me black out and see shadows in the trees, fresh halibut chowder (amazing, and it was the least impressive thing there), some sort of sliced meat that, if someone had told me was baby, I would have still eaten three more pieces before getting upset...and then I would have sneaked some for later, and the most starling pasta salad ever...IT WAS A MEAL, NOT A SIDE DISH.
Then, dessert: a three-berry crumble that made me reconsider the existence of God, various succulent tasties and the wedding cake, which was the best carrot cake I'd ever eaten.
And everything was prepared by family and friends.
I think.
I don't really know or care, it was just one of the best meals I've ever eaten.
I was sad to see it go.
Then...I danced.
So, up to that point, this wedding party consisted of the closest childhood friends of the groom and his brother.
Chris and I were, for lack of a better term, outsiders.
It was hard to relate to these guys, we were soft city folk who'd never punched a horse or eaten a tree or whatever people like this do when they've been drinking for most of a week.
...
Okay, for brevity's sake, I'll say this: the fourth song they played was "Kiss" by Prince.
I am now a legend in Alaska.
Everyone is my friend.
Problem = solved.

The next and last day at Heavenly Lodge went much the same as the first few, except we met some gay guys and some people who aren't made of nails and whiskers and axes and bourbon and actually had some cool conversation while eating some staggering burritos.
I had a bloody mary sans vodka and I think I've found a new friend...underneath myyyyy pillow...
That evening, with everyone gone but Tom, his brother, Steve, and his awesome wife, Lauren, Tom's cousin, Sean and their aforementioned childhood friend, Marlin, Chris and I were actually able to integrate and relate a bit. Much of the isolation and disregard we'd felt melted away and, as we sat around a roaring fire, we began to feel like we were a part of something, rather than bystanders.
It was pretty satisfying and went a long way.
Then, more sleeping and, when we woke up the next day, it was time to drive back to Anchorage.

Our time in Cooper Landing had been bitter sweet, and I'll leave it at that.

But we weren't through yet...

Our flight out of Anchorage was at 1:10 in the morning, over twelve hours away, so we had a full day to kill before we were free from this beautiful, pristine hell.
We drove to Hope, Alaska, where Chris' dad's ashes are scattered and took in some more astonishing beauty on the way there and back, then we pulled off the road so I could dunk my head under a waterfall made from glacial run off (it was cold), then we met some of the stragglers at Moose Tooth Pizza where I was to have a really amazing cheese pizza.
The pizza in Alaska had been talked up for a while and it didn't disappoint.
Was it the best I'd ever had? Hah, fuck you, but it was very, very good.
Eventually, we got on our first plane from Anchorage to Seattle (in at 5:30 am),and then our next plane from Seattle to New York (in at 3:30 pm), and then, finally, we were home.

This...was quite a trip...and we are still recovering.