"SPECTRE" PROBLEMS

When I walked out of the theater that night, I was apoplectic. Not only had it been a bad Bond film, something I thought we'd seen the last of in 2002 when whatever devils shat out Die Another Day*, but it had actually managed to damage and devalue the previous three, excellent Bond films*** and set the whole franchise back. After that shitty little tacked on scene, I was completely fine with a new Bond****. Toss it out and burn it down.

Since then, I have purchased the film and rewatched it, taking notes about what, exactly, had made me so furious, confident that it couldn't be that bad, right?

I am exceedingly pleased to admit to myself that it's not, in fact, that bad, and convinced now that that guy who said Spectre was "the worst Bond films in 30 years" had never seen Die Another Day.

After some time and distance (and filtering out the niggling shit), here are my biggest issues with the new Bond:

Oh that credit sequence: In all seriousness, did NOT ONE PERSON INVOLVED with this know of the existence of tentacle porn? Also, while we're talking about octopi: the octopus as a symbol works, but the actual octopus, especially an octopus/woman hybrid does not. Fire, good; mirrors, good; hentai, BAD.
Then, there's Sam Smith's voice. His testicles? Where are they, please? I get that there must be emotion, but, if you're going to get that high, just get a lady to do it. I don't want Bond to be associated with men singing in breathless falsetto. Unless it's as a joke.
Or unless it's beautiful.

WHY DID BLOFELD’S TORTURE CHAIR DO, LITERALLY, NONE OF THE THINGS HE SAID IT WOULD DO?! Not only did Bond remember exactly who Swan was seconds after having his brain drilled, but, moments later, he sprints down a hallway, disarms a guy, shoots that propane thing, and snipes a whole bunch of dudes, things one couldn’t do without, you know, "sight, hearing, and balance", all the things Blofeld said he'd just fucked with. Plus, if ANY of his senses had been the slightest bit affected, that would have been an excellent time for Swan to be more than a damsel with pretty hair. It ends up making Blofeld look like an idiot.

That weird and clearly tacked on bit at the end. It's obvious the creators didn't know how they wanted to leave things, so they shot that bit of drivel.

And here's the niggling shit I filtered out.

"I think you're just getting started!" - Jesus fuck

So, that posthumous message from M indicates that she knew about SPECTRE? Nah, let's not bother explaining that.

Hi, I'm Rory Kinnear, double-0 exposition.

"Of course! (forehead slap) Mr. WHite!!!!!!!11!!!"

Making Mr. Hinx superhuman is the bad kind of reference to older bond movies. Jaws was Jaws, let him rest.

Why does SPECTRE headquarters feel like a spa?

The details of the ring and how it connects everything is WAY underexplained. I had to pause the movie on Q's computer screen to put it together. Am I that stupid? 

"I'M THE METEOR!!! ME! AND SPECTRE! WE'RE ALL THE METEOR!!!"

Blofeld talks about how he was (indirectly) responsible for the death of all the women in Bond's life, but the woman from QoS didn't die. You'd think with so many cameras, that Blofeld would have known that.

So much surveillance and foreknowledge of Bond and they didn't check his watch?

The fluffy, white cat just for fan service felt silly.

So love is stronger than…cataclysmic brain trauma?

They should have let the "now we know what 'C' stands for" joke stand on its own.

The escape from M I 6 was way too cozy.

That last a little car commercial moment is just awful.

Here's what I'd like to see if there is another Bond in this series: 

SPECTRE returning to its roots and moving off of the personal shit with Bond. Or, maybe they put a bounty out on Bond and Swan, allowing us to see a little more of her being awesome. You could also throw in 009...played by Idris Elba. And, one way they could ameliorate that pointless and completely ineffective torture scene would be to have lingering effects hindering Bond.

I'd really like to see Swan in the next one and the issues Bond has with real life. We didn't get nearly a long enough look at that with Vesper in the third act of Casino Royale.

Or reboot the whole thing. Again. After the bad taste Spectre left in my mouth, I'd be fine throwing out Craig and starting things over. I like M, I like Q, I like Moneypenny, and I like Blofeld.

* One of my favorite credit sequences though.**

** Not the music; the visuals and story tie-in.

*** I enjoy Quantum of Solace as a direct follow-up to Casino Royale, not something to be viewed after a long period of time.

**** Although not Idris Elba. I love his strength and grit but he is not Bond any more more than James Brolin is.