A review of Dirty Beaches' "Water Park OST"

Well...less of a review and more of an indictment.
Because it's not very good.
I don't know why Christina likes this so much.
Maybe she's autistic?

Water Park Theme (Take 2)
Okay, let me set the scene: Dirty Beaches is/are in the studio, making notes or running some sequencer or whatever, and then, oh look! It's his/her/their friend, Meredith! She has come to visit and bring hin/her/them raspberry scones! She comes in and makes herself at home, handing Dirty Beaches a big basket of delicious, oven-warm treats and sets her huge purse down on a nearby keyboard. They talk for a few minutes; the weather, the sports, you know, stuff, then she picks up her purse (Dirty Beaches can keep the basket until the scones are all gone!) and leaves. Dirty Beaches reflect(s) on how wonderful Meridith is and how yummy those scones are, but, then, it's back to work!
Only...what's this? It seems that ProTools has not only been recording the past few minutes...but that there are waveforms! What on earth could this be?! So, Dirty Beaches hits stop and listens to what's been recorded. It sounds kind of like a toneless wash of noise...almost as if someone has set something heavy on a keyboard and left it to...wait a minute! That Meredith! It turns out that, when she set he big purse down on that keyboard that the resulting "music" was recorded! Ha ha ha! You know what would be funny? If, as sort of a little joke and as a secret thank you to Meredith for the lovely scones, we kept this awful, boring noise and made it the first track on the album! And! And! We'll call it "take 2"! Oh, you guys!!!!
Seriously though, having this droning piece of bland as the intro to the album is a stroke of genius.
The expectations cannot get any lower.
Nowhere to go but up.

Floating Underwater Watching Waves
Or so you'd think.
Ocean noises and a piano note? Really? At this point, if I'm to judge the film by its soundtrack, I'd say it's a documentary about a bucket of water with some sand at the bottom. At the three minute mark, something happens. Not huge, but at least it's better than Beach Noises, Vol. 5: A Few Pebbles.
But then...joke's on me!!!! At the seven minute mark (this "song" is over nine minutes long), the ocean noise comes back in and my patience runs out. I skipped the last two minutes of this song.*

Phases
Sounds like the first track. Ugh.

Canadian Prairies

While neither are being played very well, those are recognizable as drums and a guitar with a lot of reverb.

Like The Wind**
It seems as if whoever was playing the drums badly on the last track is now playing the bass badly on this track. I have since gleaned that the film is about diarrhea. And learning to play instruments.

Good Bye Edmonton
Okay, all right, here we go. Some xylophone, some nice keyboards, I could maybe the song ended before I could finish that thought.

Water Park Theme (Reprise)
Reprise? There's a smarmy, shitty joke here, but I'd rather be done with this than think of it.

Ambient is an understatement.
Subtle is an understatement.
Listenable music is an overstatement.
I would rather roll around naked on...you ready?...dirty beaches.





* Probably where all the trombone solos were hiding.

** More aptly: "Like The Wind Blowing Over Some Guitars"