3.31.08
3:56pm
At approximately 3pm on the afternoon of March 31, 2008, I bore witness to one of the most exciting events...in the History of Man:
HOT MESS VS. OKAY!!
The Contenders:
Big, fat, chattery clump of noise vs. the twittery idiot box (not a television, a person, a box of idiocy)
The Background:
The Oaf was regaling the Twit with stories of her grandmother who went nutty toward the end.
The Oaf kept referring to her grandmother as a "hot mess", the reaction of the Twit to these recollections was to continually repeat "okay!!"*
After a few moments, I realized that this was much more than a mere recanting of tales, this was a bloodmatch.
Or deathmatch.
Or bloody deathmatch, as the British might say.
So I began to keep count of who said what more, "hot mess" or "okay!!".
The Results:
It was a grueling five minutes but in the end...it was a tie, 7 to 7.
Rematch?
A rematch is almost certain and I will be there to bring the noise, the funk and all the other things that one would want to bring to a mind fart contest like this one.
Stay tuned!!
*I wish more than anything that I could attach a sound clip of her saying "okay".
It is probably the most annoying delivery that two syllables can have.
I will try to describe it:
The emotions are always disbelief and amusement, but exaggerated; as if her subtext is:
'Whoa! Too much information! Thank-ah yoooou-ah!'
Very high school/valley girl.
The intonation is ALWAYS THE SAME, whether it's in reaction to stories about someone's crazy grandmother or a UFO sighting or a dead baby stuffed full of shit and maggots by a lunatic who then sent said baby to the Pope, which adds a lot to the element of I-want-to-step-on-your-throat.
It starts off high and nasally, always nasally and remains at the same note, pitch and timbre until the "a" in "okay" is reached, where it slides down the octaves until it is inaudible.
Also, lending to the sandpaper-on-my-scrotum feel is the fact that she says this about 400,000,000 times a day.
Give or take.
No comments:
Post a Comment