Thunderfinger

11.14.06
3:20 PM
I think that’s better than “Goldenball”.
Anyway.
So, I have recently consumed “Goldfinger” and “Thunderball”.
“Goldfinger” sees the introduction of a lot of crazy staples that stick with the Bond franchise for years to come.
First, the car. Gotta love the car. This one was a hot little Aston-Martin with smoke screen, oil slick, machine guns, bulletproof windows and…a goddamn ejector seat.
However, Bond thought Q was joking as well, so the creators of the series aren’t so oblivious to the fact that an ejector seat is ridiculous.
Aside from the car, Q gives Bond some homing devices. One that fits in his shoe.
This encounter is the first time you see Bond getting sassy with him. I love their dialogue. Sooooo smarmy.
Next, we have the henchman. In this case, the huge, hat throwing Korean henchman named Oddjob. The less said about him, the better, but the tradition started by him is somewhat constant throughout the rest of the series. Before Bond gets to the Big Bad Guy, he must dispatch the Weird Henchman. Move over Countless Anonymous Hired Goons, this motherfucker can throw a hat, this motherfucker has metal teeth and this motherfucker is a robot vagina. Seriously.
Then we have the ridiculous names; two is this movie alone. First there’s the Big Bad Guy: Auric Goldfinger. Wow. As if this guy didn’t exude “I like gold” enough with the last name of “Goldfinger”. Ian Fleming had to have the first name include the Latin word “aura”…which means “gold”. So, James Bond…meet Gold Goldfinger…he likes gold.
And while you’re at it…meet Pussy Galore. She is a female activist. Seriously.
Actually, she is a pilot. In fact, she is the leader of “Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus”. Now, what do you think people are more interested in…the “flying circus” or the “Pussy Galore”?
Yes.
And, although Pussy is the first really ridiculous name, Honey Ryder (from”Dr. No”) is rather silly as well.
Now, this must be made clear: even though this chick’s name is an apt description of James Bond’s favorite food, she is portrayed as a very strong female character.
Not that that makes it all that much better mind you, but you know.
In this film we also see two of the most memorable Bond moments: Bond strapped to a golden table while a laser slowly makes its way towards his balls and Bond looking sexy despite (or because of) wearing a baby blue, one piece, terrycloth chemise. Rowr.
As for the Bang-O-Meter…
Goldfinger = 2* (Jill Masterson, who was later killed for sampling the forbidden fruit that is James Bond and after her, the one, the only…Pussy Galore)
*A record low, although it is implied that he nailed this chick before the movie actually started, but that’s not what this is about. Asshole.
Next up: “Thunderball”.

First off, what the fuck is a thunderball? I’ve heard of a thunder clap and a thunder storm and even Rolling Thunder…but what the fuck is a thunderball?
According to the nearest dictionary: nothing.
That’s not true though. “Thunderball” is possibly one of the best Tom Jones songs ever. In fact, there is a rumor that after expelling the long, lusty and powerful last note of the theme song, he actually passed out. I’ll have to ask him one day.
The lead in to this movie has two more memorable Bond moments: the first is Bond beating the living shit out of a man in drag (who turns out to be SPECTRE #6) and then escaping with a goddamn jet pack.
This movie pulls it back a bit as far as gadgets and people with metal for hands. Bond is once again pitted against SPECTRE And we even get to see the full council. There appear to be about 11 members of SPECTRE, only two of which Bond has killed personally (that was Dr. No and technically, Bond didn’t kill him, the boiling radioactive water did and #6, the crossdresser whose neck Bond broke with a poker). The other three (#3, #5 and—at the end of “Thunderball”— #2) were killed by others.
In this meeting, we see that #5 has been replaced, but before everyone celebrates the full quorum, #1 fucking explodes #9 for embezzlement. Honestly, who in their right mind would steal from SPECTRE? #9 deserved what he got.
Anyway, there is a lot of maritime shit going on in this movie. The Big Bad Guy has a shark tank that Bond inevitably ends up in, a boat with an underwater hatch and a breakaway hull and the name Largo which, I think, means “lake” in Spanish or some other language.
Bond straight up calls him out as SPECTRE the first time he sees him and that was very interesting to see. Usually there is all this cat and mouse stuff until in the last half hour, SPECTRE is revealed to be the culprit and all hell and lasers break loose.
Not that there isn’t all that cat and mouse stuff in “Thunderball”. There’s plenty of that and it has made me realize that Bond villains are the best hosts ever. In four movies they have given Bond food, shelter, Pussy Galore and pussy galore.
Maybe for my 27th Birthday party I will play a Bond villain and totally lavish everyone up before killing them or something.
Just an idea.
In the end, Largo gets a harpoon in the spine. And I am okay with that. He is a douche.
This movie also marks the first naked-silhouettes-in-the-title-sequence.
Aside from a Geiger counter/watch, a pocket sized breathing apparatus, a mini flare gun, a homing device in a pill and *GASP* an underwater camera (!!!) there’s the same Aston-Marin from “Goldfinger”. He conveniently uses all of them.
Here’s a question: should Bond always use every single gadgets he gets?
On one hand, it’s a bit too deus ex machina if he is in a situation where he would be dead meat except for a very specific gadget, but on the other hand, what’s the point of giving him a case full of crazy spy shit if he never uses it?
I like the gadgets, but I like that Bond thinks of an interesting way to use them rather than following the instructions.
For instance, the grenade/pen from "Goldeneye" is a good one because you never know when you need a grenade, but some other things are for situations SO specific you are pulled out of the movie.
Almost forgot, this movie shows us Bond completely helpless for the first time. We see him as a human calling for help rather than a shiny spy robot. We don’t see a whole lot of that in the series (I don’t think), but I think they go into more stuff like that in the books. But this has nothing to do with the books, so fuck it.
And speaking of fucking it…
Thunderball = 3 (hot, little spa employee…in the steam room no less, smoking hot redhead SPECTRE chick who he says he fucked “for King and country” and that “he felt nothing”…I think I just found my wedding vows… and finally, Domino, the consort of the Big Bad Guy*…in an underwater sex (un)scene after which Bond comments “I hope we didn’t scare the fish”. Nice.)
*It always adds insult to injury when Bond fucks the Big Bad Guy’s girlfriend. Although it doubles back on Bond when the Big Bad Guy then kills the girl, although it makes a strong statement about Sloppy Seconds.
SPECTRE does not negotiate with Sloppy Seconds.