9.21.05
3:34 PM
This is what I wrote right after the girls showed up on Friday evening.
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9.16.05
10:07 PM
The Lesbians just showed up. T.J. seemed very happy to see me, Lucy (Tinnea’s guest, sort of piggish with large breasts) seemed shocked at my height…like…reallyshocked at my height, as in, staring from my feet to my head and back again three times shocked. Tinnea (the male, to be sure) is exactly what I feared. She looked at me as if I were dog shit. Why? I have no clue. Then again, why am I one of the only four people attending the ceremony? I don’t know. Why do I feel the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life? I DON’T KNOW. Friends, I am very worried. This is the equivalent of female intuition and it scares me. Shit, Tinnea scares me. I mean, her name is Tinnea (ti-NEE-ah) but she looks like a Madison. Tonight, Lauren will be my Rock and my Redeemer and my Savior all in one. Both my girlfriend and my best friend have left me at the whims of the Lesbians. Those sadistic ratfink bastards. Lauren is my one beacon in this bog. Oh Christ is this weekend going to be awkward. The way she looked at me! SHE’S FUCKING HUGE! I’m afraid for myself. Why does she seem to hate me so much? Did T.J. tell her something I don’t know? Is she a stereotypical man-hating dyke like the books and movies portray? Does she think T.J. (who I have seen in person for the first time in 5 motherfucking years) likes me better than her? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? To be brutally honest: I’m not that attractive and SHE’S A GODDAMN LESBIAN! HOW IN THE SOPPING FUCK WOULD SHE EVER LIKE ME MORE THAN THAT PIGCOW OF A WOMAN? Maybe I answered my own question, but still, if you’re marrying someone you should love them for what’s inside and not care that they look like a morbidly obese manatee. Fuck. Jesus Fuck. Jesus F. Christ. Why can’t my Marfaans kick in and make my heart explode right now? Why oh why do I talk to people ever? This is a serious blow against the case for me ever going outside of my apartment again. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??!?!??!?!
Okay…breathe. Count to ten and breathe. All right. I reached six and a decision. Worst case scenario (worst realistic case scenario…) we sit in an awkward silence from tonight through the drive to Vermont, through the ceremony, through the ride back. Actually, I think the worst case scenario is that T.J. asks to dance with me at the club and Tinnea sticks a shiv in me. Oh God.
Maybe I’ll try flattering Tinnea.
Or feeding her fish heads.
::SHUDDER::
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Ladies and gentlemen, that is what we call “Panic”.
Here’s how things got worse, and then better…
I arrived at home to find neither Phil nor Chris there. I was very, very nervous and once the girls got settled in, they all took seats in the living room and I tried conversation; to let them do most of the talking, I asked questions, all the while getting uberhostile vibes from Tinnea. Then, Lucy answers her cell phone and proceeds to inform us that the guy she was going to meet at the club (Lauren had invited me to Avalon as her body man since Ray would be shooting footage for the DJ’s there that night) would be meeting at my place. I say that’s fine and start sweating profusely. I head the kitchen and start doing the stack of dishes we have accrued over that week, talking and not listening to myself because at this point, my brain was on Lev. 19 of Panic and the best ting for me to do in cases like that is to separate my brain from my the rest of me so in case I die or explode, my disembodied mind with haunt the location of my overload. Anyway, I finish the dishes and go to wash my hands, when I come out there are three Puerto Ricans in my vestibule, one making out with Lucy. The one sucking Lucy’s face pulls off and looks at me in comical surprise. I realize that the one sucking Lucy’s face and the other two are together. I invite them all in, somehow even sweatier than before, and introductions are made. Lucy’s friend Luis Colon (AKA “Champ”) brought along his two friends Hector Gonzales (I fucking shit you not, Hector Gonzales) and Yomairra Malve to club. “Champ” and Lucy have wanted to fuck each other for months now and the other two are just along for the ride. The three who just arrived are from Bronx. Hector has a dirt ‘stache, “Champ” has three gold teef and Yomairra is dressed like a whore. I smile wildly and herd everyone into the living room. There is a solid minute of silence (and Champ and Lucy sucking face) as people sit, staring at each other. Then, my brain shatters. I hit Panic Level ‘White Hot’ and the world disappears in front of me. I start talking. I tell stories, I make jokes, I take things that are said to me and relate them to hilarious occurrences in my life or the lives of my friends. At one point, fifteen minutes into my cranial evacuation, my cell rings and it’s Lauren…telling me she’ll be another half hour. A tear slips from my eye as I beg her to hurry. I hang up and turn back to the crowd of five total strangers and one regular stranger: They all look expectantly at me. My brain catapults out my skull for another twenty minutes. Then…I hear a key in the door. It’s my friend, Sal…as in Sal “Motherloving” Vation. Phil steps into the apartment and I hurry him into the crowded living room. I introduce him around and wait for things to get better. He turns to me and says, “I feel sick. I’m going to bed.”
[expletive deleted]
With the betterment of my situation whipped from under my nose, I silently remind myself to call a bomb threat to the airport on the day of Phil’s departure or maybe just blow the fucking thing up myself.
I begin to talk again when Lauren arrives. If she wasn’t with Ray and I weren’t with Chris and she were less hot and I was more hot, I would have kissed her; instead, I just told her I was in Hell. Her cool, blue gaze took my Panic and rubbed lotion on it. I started breathing for the first time in an hour and we entered the living room.
Soon after, we went outside to hit the clubs. I informed everyone that cover would be $30, hoping they would just do something else and I could hang with Ray and Lauren all night. Sadly, no, that was real gold in Champ’s mouf and these Lesbians were ready to partake in some hot girl-on-club action. Tinnea, T.J., Lauren and I hop in one cab and speed off towards Avalon. I sit in the front and unwind a bit on the long drive through the New York night. Lauren, who, it seems, is merely talking to Tinnea and T.J., is actually collecting psychoanalytical data on them like I asked.
We arrive at the club and go in. Everyone goes to dance but Lauren and I, who look for Ray. The night gets noticeably better. This room of Avalon is ruled by two DJ’s who are sort of battling. One is house/trance and the other is more experimental but both have excellent stuff they’re spinning. After a while just standing on the upper level of the club watching the people dance, we set out to find the “Dance Rock” room. We find the “Hp Hop” room and the vibe gets nasty reeeal quick. I can almost hear the thought “White boy talla then me? Fuck dat shit! I’m a bump him!” I take several Negroes to the chest before we manage our way out of the “Hip Hop” room and make out way to some crazy staircase. On our way up we find Lucy, Tinnea and T.J. We stumble into some room with large comfy couches and what I would call “regular techno” playing. I suggest we head in for some hot Paul-on-couch action while T.J. and Tinnea start making out like fiends. Then Champ shows up and starts doing the same with Lucy. Lauren and I gag and coo respectively at how disgusting Lucy/Champ are and how cute Tinnea/T.J. are. Eventually, Lauren set off again for the “Dance Rock” room not knowing we were just there and soon we find Ray who is set to be there until 4am. It is now 1:50 or so and Lauren and I already have splendid headaches. Slowly but surely we gather everyone and decide to head out to a food location while Ray finishes doing his thang. Champ finds out that Lucy is too tired to have sex with him tonight and then “remembers” that he has work tomorrow (Saturday) and goes home, leaving Lucy in tears. Hector and Yomairra disappeared earlier and that’s ducky with me. Lauren and the three girls head out and find a diner. Lucy is sulking and Lauren takes the brunt of the conversation with Teej and Tinnea. Around four, we head back and meet up with Ray. The girls and I get in and cab and Lauren and Ray do the same. I sit up front again and unwind again. This night got much better as it went on, but the start? I am very surprised to even be in the cab. I was certain I would be killed by either stress or a Negro in the “Hip Hop” room.
My cab and Lauren’s arrive on our block at around the same time. And I say goodnight to the two if them before they head home in Lauren’s car.
That night I slept badly on Chris’ bed. I feel sorry for her and myself at the same time. Multitasking xmax.
Before I sleep though, Chris informs me as to why T.J. asked me and only me to be at her wedding. T.J. said that when she met me all those years ago, I made such a memorable impression on her that she never forgot me and that I was the one person she wanted at her ceremony for that reason. If I had been able to sleep, I would have fallen asleep with a smile on my face.
I woke up with the idea for an excellent and terrifying video game involving zombies. If any of you are genuinely interested, let me know, I’ll share it with you.
My only plan for Saturday was lunch with Ray and hanging out/dinner with Phil and Min. I let the girls do their own touristy thing. Lunch with Ray wet off without a hitch and then I went home and took a nap, waiting for Phil to call me with plans. I woke up around 11 when the girls were returning home. Neither Phil nor Min had called nor were they answering their phones. Hm. Fine. After discussing watching a movie, I went to bed in Chris’ room.
Another fitful night, but this time without zombie dreams. Rats.
Fast forward to the car trip, because that is when everything changed…
Over the course of the six plus hour car trip from Manhattan to Stowe, Vermont, I figured everythingout. These girls all hail from tiny, little narrow minded towns in upstate New York. Specifically, Elmira and Corning. They have done less traveling than me and it shows. The first two days, I thought they were a bit…stupid to be honest and mean, but as I spent every single hour of the next three days with them, I learned differently. They have this innocence and naiveté that makes them appear that way. Once I understood that, I adapted and everything was just fine. I was able to switch to Actor Mode and let everything else just flow over me like fresh Maple Syrup. They were just impressed by me. Everything I said or did they thought was hilarious. It was like hanging around with a bunch of 14 year old girls. Part of it was their immaturity, but most of it was this beautiful, heartbreaking innocence that found a place in my heart the instant I discovered that’s what I was looking at. I wanted them to keep living their covered, protected lives in their tiny, little town where they are all each other will ever need. I want their ignorance to be converted directly into bliss. And I believe that’s the case. They are happy where they are and that makes me happy. The thing is, I grew up in New York City and moved to Florida where I saw pretty much everyone as an intellectual inferior. I mean, between the accent, the jaws dropped when they heard I was from New York and the fact that the Dean of my high school was made Dean because HE USED TO PLAY COLLEGE BALL WITH THE GATORS!! WOOOO WEEEE!! But there is something different about the numerous idiots I encountered in Florida and these girls. While the people in Florida were the kind of stupid you just want to smack, the girls had this kind of oblivious joy that you wanted to take part in, and as soon as I did, I started to enjoy myself.
As for enjoying myself, I did, utterly. In fact, I am going to bring Chris and Lauren and Ray back to Vermont (the Green Mountain state) to the same bed and breakfast (owned by two gay guys named (look it up on their web site for the Timberholm Inn in Stowe, VT) Mr. Drill and Mr. Pitstick) so they can share the bucolic cup from which I drank the whole time I was there. It was incredibly beautiful, ridiculously charming and the Cabot cheddar? I believe it will make even Lauren like cheese. Also, there is a gay bar called The Rusty Nail and a lesbian bar called Pie in the Sky. ‘Nuff said. All in all the only two bad spots were sharing a teeny tiny bed with a chatty, impressionable, sycophantic 18 year old. She was friendly as hell but talked at me for 44 minutes (from 12:00AM to 12:44AM) about her life. In a way, it was really sweet, but in another way I wanted to stick her into her own vagina to shut her up. The first night wasn’t so bad because we had all gotten a tad bit sloshed and alcohol puts Lucy to sleep, but that second night…oy. Plus, the bed was very small.
The second bad spot was the return trip. The nine-hour return trip on a train from Waterbury, Vermont to Penn Station making local stops everyfuckingwhere. Although I will say the train is ten billion times better than the bus and the train was only a half hour longer and four dollars more expensive. Will, if there is a similar deal on a train to D.C. you might see more of me…
In the end, it was a beautiful, touching, serene time that I was surprised to find myself enjoying wholeheartedly. I found Lucy was not a little whore, but a good hearted naive girl who loves animals, T.J. (whose last name I now know) is much less of a stranger and I see in her a kindness I have never known in anyone except maybe Angie or Angelica. I don’t know many people who would deserve the kind of loyal friend she is, myself included. Tinnea is still a bit imposing, but she is loving person who is going to kick anyone’s ass that chooses to fuck with T.J. She too, loves animals and it was hard to see her as a menacing bulldyke when she was playing with a Beagle puppy at an animal shelter we visited. Honestly, I felt like a different person while I was there. I amazed myself several times by having no cynicism for hours at a time. I saw cows, horses, mountains, corn, the Ben & Jerry’s Factory and the Vermont Teddy Bear Factory (which was a tad saccharine even in this setting). Still…how do I spell “unwind”? A lesbian wedding in Stowe, Vermont. Xmax.
8:22 PM
I just told this woman who always keeps pressing the button in her room that makes my panel beep to stop pressing the button or no one would come in and she stopped. Does that make me effective or bad?
8:27 PM
I was just reflecting; if I had a set destination (place to sleep, etc.) and time (week or two) and money (enough to be able to miss a week or two of work and not care), I would love to travel. The less people at that destination the better. I think in Vermont I saw maybe fifty people. Fifty people in three days, and all of them were polite. It was crazy. It was a little like that in D.C. Is New York really that overcrowded? When I got out of Penn Station at 6:30 PM yesterday, the city was understandably full, but is New York that overcrowded compared to those other places? Jesus.
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