Video Game Mouthful

I've finally had some time to play some goddamn video games over the past few months and I know you'd just fucking die if I didn't write about them so you could read my thoughts and feelings regarding them.
So, you're welcome.
Parasite.

Deadpool
When rumors of a Deadpool game sprouted up a few years ago, my reaction was the same as it is every time I hear about something I love going into a new medium: don't fuck it up.
Jump ahead.
After the first trailer for the Deadpool game came out and people started ripping it apart, I was let down, but, I decided to reserve judgement until it was out and the people who were huge into Deadpool (like myself) had gotten their hands on it.
Long story short: they nailed the character, 100%. The writing and the voice (Nolan North, a man I aspire to be) were just spot on. I enjoyed the cameos and, while I bit abrupt, they decided to go with a Deadpool ending to a Deadpool game, and I respect that.
At times, the game got in the way of itself and I was a bit disappointed at how easy it was to kill Deadpool (his healing factor is more aggressive than Wolverine's y'all, **insert tooth suck noise**, but they did a really solid job and I would happily go in for a sequel. I'm hoping the game also served to show how much people really want a Deadpool movie and, based on the whispers of the upcoming X-Force film, I think it may have worked.
Ron Perlman as Cable
Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool
Uma Thurman as Domino
We all set?
Good.

GTA V
But first I finally played those two DLC packs from GTA IV, "We Like Sons of Anarchy" and "Yeah, I Guess We Could Make Something Else Up...What About Something Where The Lead Character is Latino And There Is A Gay Guy?".
Here's what happens every time a new GTA comes out (since GTA 3, anyway): I shrug and pay peripheral attention (we all know I'm going to get it), then, as it gets closer and those cinematic trailers start coming out, showing off how beautiful the devs have made it, I get a little more tingly, then, it's released, gets called the best game ever and I buy it.
I play it, am blown away by the graphical improvements, take note of how they are trying, consciously, not to do the same stuff they did in the previous games and then, after finishing the campaign and getting let down by how the payoff is never worth time I invested in it, finish a few more things here and there and then I'm over it.
History does, indeed, repeat itself.
I liked the game a lot, and those graphics and details really are astonishing. The ability to switch between three characters really helped keep things fresh too. Michael's and Trevor's plots were the most interesting although did anyone else notice that there wasn't any resolution between Trevor and Michael? They just sort of decided not to kill each other.
Overall, everything about it was great (although isn't it time for a custom radio station? In this age of Sirius XM and Spotify and all that, wouldn't it make sense in the world of GTA?), but, again, like GTA 3, Vice City (which had the best radio, hands down), San Andreas and GTA IV, once I'd finished what I was going to finish (maybe...87.6% completion when I put it down?), it fell off my radar completely.
I suppose that's natural and, depending on what else is coming out that you're looking forward to, the speed with which one forgets a game can differ, but, still, I yearn...
I'm pretty certain that, by the time any single player DLC comes out (in March or so), I'll have completely lost interest, although I might pick up said DLC and check it out before the next GTA iteration arrives.
I will say I am totally stoked about a next-gen GTA.

Spelunky
Okay. First of all, fuck this game.
How can explain this to you non-gamers who aren't reading this....so, there's this game, Demon's Souls, where you play until you die, you only have one life and there are enemies that can kill you in one hit. From point A to point B, you kill things and gather souls as currency. When you die, all the souls you've collected remain where you last died. If you can reach that point again, you get all those souls back, but, if you die before you reach the place where you last died, you lose those souls and all progress.
Short version: you could play the game for three hours, make two mistakes, and it will have been as if you haven't played the game at all.
Sort of like blacking out from drinking, but, with drinking, at least you may have hooked up with someone.
This game is fiercely defended by certain gamers (one could call them sado-masochists) and, in some circles, is considered a game-changing work.
I borrowed it from a friend, Jim, one of those sado-masochists), played for three hours and then made two mistakes, thus making it seem as if I had not played at all. I set down the controller, removed the disc from my PS3, put it back in its case and set it aside.
It was either that or, literally, throw the PS3, controller and TV out the window.
One or the other.
To put it in Jim's words: you need to learn the rules of the game. Every mistake is yours. If you don't pay attention and follow those rules, you will die.
Spelunky is like that, but worse.
One can win this game in less than ten minutes. If you are quick, yet cautious and pay attention to your surroundings.
There are twelve levels in the normal game, four in the mines, four in the jungle, four in the ice caves and four in the temple. Twelve. You need to get from the top of the screen to the bottom, where there is an exit. You have four hit points but can do stuff to get more, but it takes a little effort.
The longest game I've play has been about fourteen minutes. The shortest, less than three seconds.
I have never won this game.
Fuck this game.
I will pick it up again someday.
I can't explain this to you.


The Last Five Call of Duty games (before Ghosts)
So, the next generation has arrived.
I guess.
I don't plan on giving a shit until Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeroes comes out in the spring.
But, as the next generation was starting, people were making lists.
Lists of the best games of this generation, and one of the best games of the generation, according to Kotaku, was Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.
All I knew of this game was all I really knew of all COD games: first person military shooter, multiplayer lousy with immature, racist, pothead bros.
In other words: not for me.
It takes a lot to get me into an FPS. A really great story (the Bioshock series) or something that isn't running around and shooting dudes (Condemned), but, ten million Elvis fans can't be wrong, right?
So, I went out to my local Gamestop and plunked down three dollars for a used copy of COD4:MW.
I played an SAS recruit named "Soap" MacTavish.
As he never spoke a word, a common and lazy choice when creating an FPS and yet another reason I find them boring as fuck, I did not give a shit whether he lived or died.
I also played an Army Ranger named...something patriotic and generic...Steve Jackson. At one point, a terrorist detonated a nuclear device in Afghanistan, and your Ranger character dies.
Like, for real.
That was a first and was somewhat interesting, but, again, he never said a word and just followed folks around mostly, so I really didn't care.
Long story short (the game was very short, about five or six hours), bad Russian dude who was behind the nuke attack launches some nuclear missiles which get blown up before they hit and "Soap" MacTavish saves the day.
On the whole, nothing really blew me away, it was short as fuck but cheap as dirt and kind of fun, and, as I do like me a game franchise with a universe, I decided to pick up Modern Warfare 2.
This was more interesting; the stakes were raised and things got a lot more global. There is a mission where you're running through a burning, powerless Washington D.C. and I got that same rush as I did when I saw the ruins of D.C. in Fallout 3 for the first time: something about seeing a monument or location you know and that has always been there in complete and utter disarray...it's effective.
This time, you play as "Roach", who, like "Soap" never says a fucking word, although, now that you aren't controlling "Soap" he's talkative as fuck, Scottish, if you can believe it.
Maybe he was just shy as a rookie?
Anyway, Modern Warfare 2 ends with a cliffhanger and, since the third game was pretty much just as cheap, I went ahead and pulled the trigger.
The opening of the third game is great: we're involved in a full blown world war with the Russians and you start off as a (completely silent) member of Delta Force, taking back the New York Stock Exchange from the Russians, then getting involved in a fucking helicopter battle above the city. They seem to have reached the perfect height of spectacle in this one.
Eventually, "Soap" dies and you avenge his death as super badass SAS bloke, Captain Price.
Much like Batman, I feel bad as Price because I'm not good at these games.
Aside from the three Modern Warfare games, I also checked out the two Black Ops games.
In the first BO games, you have a character with a face and a voice! It's so goddamn refreshing that I was almost able to forgive how fucking awful this guy's American accent was. Did they absolutely NEED to cast an Australian actor for this? Jesus. It's all over the place. If this was going to happen with the silent protagonists, maybe it's better they stay silent...
I don't blame the actor (Sam Worthington) though, I blame the fucking director.
I'm a voice actor and when shit sounds awful, it's his job to stop you and say, gently yet firmly, "Sam, you know, we got a lot of Aussie on that last one, could we do another?"
Actors should obey their directors.
As for the story: it was gummy, convoluted and 90% flashback.
Oh, and they imply that you were brainwashed and killed Kennedy.
The sequel to this takes place in 2025 with you as the son of Sam Worthington with Merle from Walking Dead as your BFF and Tony Todd as your commanding officer, in perhaps one of the most overacted roles of his life. The only explanation I can think of is that, because they couldn't see him he thought he would have to act extra hard with his voice?
Again: it's the director's job to explain why that doesn't make any fucking sense.
The weapons are cool because it's the future but, after five of these games, I really found myself losing interest.
In the end, even though the characters were all complete zeroes, I liked the alternate history craziness of Modern Warfare over the pseudo-Fight Club shit of Black Ops.
Might be done with military shooters for the rest of my life.

Batman: Arkham Origins
I loved Arkham Asylum. The story and the game play and everything about it.
It has become the definitive Batman game.
The sequel, Arkham City, took things to the next level, made things open world. There was much more to do, more villains, more stories, more everything.
Some folks thought it was trying to do too much and defer to the original as being the better game.
The third game, Arkham Origins, which is a prequel, taking place after Batman has been Batmanning for two years in Gotham, focuses on his first encounter with the Joker, as well as eight assassins who have been hired by Black Mask on Christmas Eve to kill Batman.
The general consensus was that this is more of the same of what we got from Arkham City, sometimes using some of the exact same environments, but not as good since the studio that did the first two didn't handle this one.
That is pretty accurate.
But, like I said, I loved the first two games and the Batman universe, so I liked this one as well.
While the character designs are great (the designers always try to do something different with the look of the characters, not relying too heavily on the cartoons or the comics or the movies) and the voice acting was really solid (they did not get Kevin Conroy for Batman, but chose to go with a younger sounding guy, nor did they go with Mark Hamill as Joker, but rather an 70% soundalike), I did have a few problems; such as the fact that no one else seemed to be meeting Batman for the first time except for the Joker. I also thought there would something about Batman's origins, but, nope. the game starts with Batman finding out about the assassins and then going to town.
I can see some thin spots here, for instance, how close the fight with Copperhead was to the fight with Ra's al Ghul in Arkham City, how they keep finding ways to poison Batman so they can do something "interesting" with the gameplay and how I spend hours in every one of these fucking games finding every fucking Riddler trophy / datapack / Anarky tag / Cyrus Pinkney plaque because I have a touch of OCD.
Honestly, I felt bad playing this game because I'm a terrible Batman, something that is only sometimes my fault.
Here are some things that defeated Batman in this game: water, steam (there wasn't any ice in this game, but I'm sure that would have been just as victorious over the Dark Knight as in its other forms), wind (instead of just having invisible walls, whenever he gets too close to a boundary, they have a strong gust of wind push him back. A strong gust of wind. This fucking guy beat Superman on numerous occasions), and the one foot gap between the top of a billboard and a roof.
I also loved how, when a guy with a gun spots Batman, rather than rushing in and fucking breaking his face while he's standing there, shocked at the mere presence of the Batman, Batman decides, rather, that it would be a better idea to do the Skanking Pickle and punch the air like a fussy toddler.
Game designers: when you are five feet from a guy with a gun and he turns around and sees you, when you press the attack button, Batman should attack the guy with the gun, not have a dance party.
You fucks.
Then there's Batman's inability to grapnel when you fucking need him too.
HE'S BATMAN GOD DAMN IT. HE CAN GRAPNEL WHERE AND WHEN HE WANTS.
But, that's the rub when it comes to making a Batman video game...it's still a video game. There are invisible walls and inaccessible places and all that. I just wish they would hide it better instead of taking it out of fucking Batman.
Plus, all the cliffhangers were toothless.
There's a point where Alfred dies...until, ten seconds later Batman saves him...because Alfred can't die in the prequel if he's in the later games.
Then there's Bane finding out who you are...until he takes a chemical that is like super Venom...but it causes memory loss.
Really?
Memory loss?
Or maybe this was allll a dream.
And there has GOT to be a way to make collecting all those fucking datapacks (there were two hundred...and I collected them ALL) worth it. An empty fucking room and a little collectible thing worth 100000 XP?
I ALREADY HAVE ALL THE FUCKING XP FOR COLLECTING EVERYTHING THAT ALLOWED ME TO GET TO THIS FUCKING THING!
Christ.
Anyway, aside from all that...good times.
Can't wait for that Suicide Squad game.

Batman: Arkham City
Origins made me hungry for Arkham City, so I played through that again. Hands down, a better and more interesting game than Origins. I don't know if it's because Origins is a prequel, a thing that will, inherently, never be a good thing or because of Kevin Conroy and the best Joker performance Mark Hamill has ever given or the story and the ending or what but, yeah. Arkham City wins.
I played the New Game Plus, where you start with all your stuff from the previous playthrough and, let me tell you, being able to play a Batman game without having to give a shit about getting any of those fucking Riddler trophies is endless bliss, on the other hand, all those fights without the counter indicator made things a lot more frustrating, especially the fucking ninjas...AM I RIGHT?!?!?!!?
Some highlights I had forgotten: the Clayface fight, the Mr. Freeze fight, every time the Joker speaks, the random thug chatter you pick up drifting around the city, the implications Azrael brings and Nolan North's Penguin.
Very keen to see what Rocksteady has coming up next.

And, what now, you scream, silently?
Well, I have a stockpile of games to keep me sweaty until the PS4 gets streaming capabilities, and a handful of games I want to check out that are now cheaper.

Here they are (along with the reasons I'm probably going to just play Arkham Asylum or City again instead):

Far Cry 3 (it's an FPS, an intriguing one, but an FPS nonetheless. I'm off them for a while. And, yes, I've heard of and played the demo for Blood Dragon. Again, fun stuff, but FPS no no no!!!!)

Beyond: Two Souls (I've heard it's more like a long, interactive movie and riddled with cheap gameplay. But, as it's short, I might check this out next)

The Last Of Us (heard amazing things, but also that it is pitch black, both in tone and in luminescence)

Ashura's Wrath (heard a lot of good stuff; fun, not too much of a time commitment and that it's basically a series of ridiculous QTEs)

Assassins Creed III (story is slow, protagonist is bland as pap and I'm honestly fucking done with this series)

Deadly Premonition (basically Twin Peaks the video game. I've heard the controls (and, from some sources, that the game itself) are horrible.)

Shadows of the Damned (off the wall weird and adult action, gets old fast)

Hitman: Absolution (with all Hitman games, I tend to nail the first few missions, silent assassin like a mofo, but then, shit gets too hard and I give up, just killing everything I can before turning to a FAQ. Plus, the fucking storyline of this franchise seems totally borked. Let's get some continuity here folks! There's also some of that Batman thing where I feel bad at being so awful, this guy, Agent 47 is a SUPER ASSASSIN, but I'll probably try and stab a guy using a dog or something. Also, I get annoyed with the whole, oh, you quietly killed a guy on the fourth floor? Well, now fucking everyone in the building knows about it.  These dicks aren't part of the hive mind, you lazy goddamn programmers!)

Deus Ex: Human Revolution Need to sit down and finish this. This was another one that was supposed to be amazing so I bought it on the cheap. Didn't know it was an FPS which totally bummed me out. A lot more interesting that any of the COD stuff, but, again, fucking FPS. I might just slog my way through it as, the last time I played it (months ago), the Illuminati were named as the antagonists in it. Which is awesome. Hail Discordia!!!

Ugh.
Look at all that.
This is valuable time I could have spent playing video games.
You dicks.