A response to Buzzfeed's "The 32 Absolute Worst Parts About Being Tall"

Hi, I'm 6"8, and am, therefore, qualified to write this response.

Here we go.

1. Every hug is awkward.

Wrong. I've found that the people I hug enjoy the enveloping nature of my hug; it reminds them of the womb and has a calming effect.
My hugs are the best.

2. "I need someone tall to grab something!"

Not an issue, I'm always happy to help.

3. Low ceilings
True. Fuck low ceilings.

4. Beds Are Way Too Small
Not really. I sleep just fine in a queen-sized bed and, while it's not the most comfortable, I can make due in a smaller bed just fine, thanks.

5. Everyone hates you at shows.
Perhaps, but I'm in front of you because I got there before you. If you want to be in front of me...guess how to solve this particular problem.
You whiny, fucking asshole.

6. You don't fit in foreign cars
I don't fit in any cars, but, thanks to my time doing yoga and Butoh, I can deal.
Airplanes are the devil's cock though.

7. People think it's socially acceptable to jump on your back without asking.
Thirty two years old and this has never happened.

8. Everyone expects you to be good at sports (but you're not)
Also true, although it's specifically basketball. I did try to play basketball back in 6th grade and learned that one must also have coordination, which I do not have. The two sports I am good at are crew and swimming, in case you're wondering.

9. You've never actually seen your face in a mirror before.
This one...doesn't really make sense...

10. Long legs means naturally outpacing anyone you walk with.
True, but you could all benefit to losing a bit of weight.

11. The deep end of the pool always leaves something to be desired.
I've never been in a pool with a deep end shallower than ten feet so...no.

12. Long sleeves are never long enough.
As I don't have monster arms, this has never been the case.

13. And pants are always way too short.
Also not true.

14. People ALWAYS insist you've grown since you last saw them.
Not since I was a teenager, no. When I was a teenager, however, that was usually the case.

15. One size fits all never fits.
True.

16. Everyone asks how tall you are.
True, but I usually have a cache of smart ass answers for those people.

17. You haven't been able to relax in a bathtub since you were 10.

True. It's hell.

18. Airplane seats are knee destroyers.

Here's the trick: don't let the motherfucker in front of you lower their god damn seats. There is NO WAY you not being able to tilt your seat back will be less comfortable for you than simply BEING in a n airplane will be for me.
Also, fuck airlines, especially American Airlines.

19. Your knees don't fit under your desk.

Get a bigger desk, idiot. I'd rather light a candle than curse the darkness.

20. Everyone uses you as a beacon in crowds.

Again, happy to help.

21. Getting called “Jolly Green Giant” when you wear green.

Much like the "people jumping on my back" thing, this has never happened. I prefer the company of more original individuals.

22. You can never hear people at parties.

Ugh, yes. Or I have to bend down and press my ear to your face. If only there was a way to...oh, wait...chairs have been invented.

23. You’re always picked to be the goalie.

No, I am not.

24. You always have to stand in the back of group pictures.

Well...yeah, how the fuck else are you going to see anyone else if I'm standing in front of them? And, so what f I'm in the back, I'm tall, so you're going to see me.

Buzzfeed...did you run out of things?

25. Or awkwardly crouch to get in frame.

Unless the person taking the picture has no arms or lacks the ability to raise their arms, this is not an issue. I have been on shoots where they have to reframe though. And it's awesome.

26. “What’s the weather like up there?”

*spit*

It's raining, you unoriginal fuck.

27. Public transportation wasn’t built for you.

This was truer years ago before the buses and subways in New York got bigger. I will say certain subway stations are awful though, especially Union Square. Jesus Christ, I fucking hate Union Square.

28. You can't swing on swings.

YES I FUCKING CAN.

29. People use you for shade or to block wind.

Not strangers, but I'm happy to help friends out.

30. Your legs are always in the way on trains, buses, and airplanes.

Correction: all of me is always in the way on trains, buses etc. And that's why I tend to try to move out of the way. If someone has a real problem with it though, I'm sure we can both work together and find a way for you to go and fuck yourself.

31. It’s always unnerving to meet people who are taller.

For me? Fuck no it isn't. It's awesome. I can make eye contact without hurting my neck, I can share an understand look with them I can't with others and, finally, I have someone to high five about my dick size without it being weird.

For you? Deal with it, we're the next step in human evolution and will get all the eaves off the top branches.

32. The points of open umbrellas are always right at eye level.

More like neck level,  am very tall. And I never have a problem knocking them out of the way. Pay attention you ball sac, you're carrying an open umbrella.

So, to summarize: my biggest problem is airplanes, I am fine with using my height for good and, in the end, I'm a living, breathing sign that the human race is evolving.

Hope this helped clarify things.

I'll just leave you with this...