The Tallest Fuck You EVER

5.24.05
3:05PM
Today, before I arrived at the Hospital anyway, it was sunny out. Honestly, a bit too sunny for my tastes. However, as of now, it looks like the rain predicted for earlier in the day is to commence rather soon…any minute now actually. I hope it does rain. I enjoy the calming effect it has on the City. Tomorrow in the late morning, I will go for a swim at the Club. I might bring my blazer so I can enjoy some gnarly burgers, maybe. I’m pretty happy with the weather thus far this summer. I hate aspects of the summer: having to plug in the AC and jack my electric bill twenty or thirty bucks a month for three of four months, the chattering locals sitting mere yards under my Sleeping Place, the Death’s Balls heat one must endure if one wants to leave their home, sweating, etc but I do enjoy some things…I guess. Hm. Ice cream trucks, I like those. Well, just the ice cream really.
You know, I like I might like to live in the Pacific Rim. That’s the same thing as the Pacific Northwest, right? Seattle and Oregon and such? From what I hear, the climate is more my style than New York (at least during the summer months). Cool and rainy. I like that.
I spent the early part of this day walking the dog and listening to Aphex Twin’s “Drukqs”, an excellent album. It redefined Aphex Twin. Christina and I met up in the park and the dogs all bit and humped each other. Norman Rockwell xmax.
I’ll be here ‘til 5ish then I’m on break ‘til about 7, then it’s a straight four hour burn through Baker and Barstow and Berdue. After that? Home, from whence I roam. Then an episode or two of Sopranos. I’ve watched the first five or six episodes and I am not that impressed. I guess watching it with six straight men and watching it alone are two different environments. Oh well. If I continue to be unimpressed, I’ll move onto something else.
I am going to go food shopping sometime soon. Mmm. Food. Speaking of food…what should I have for meal today?
INTERRUPTION
I just received my employee evaluation sheet.
The top is where your info goes, Name, hire date, department, position etc. Then there are six areas in which I am rated either above average, average or “needs improvement” (PC for “below average”), just like in 5th grade, remember?
Below that are these lines:
Does he/she help promote the Center’s mission by respecting the dignity of every human being? Yes or No
Then: What are his/her strengths?
Then: “What are his/her areas that need improvement?” (PC for “what sucks about him/her?”)
Then: Overall rating (Above average, average or sucks)
Then: Reviewed by:
Then: Approved by:
Then a section for “Employee Comments” then finally, employee signature.
Here is my evaluation sheet for this year…or at least the important parts.
1. Quality of Work: Average
2. Quantity of Work: Average
3. Dependability: Needs Improvement
4. Cooperation: Average
5. Attendance: Average
6. Punctuality: Needs Improvement

Apparently, I do uphold the Center’s mission by respecting the dignity of every human being.
My strengths: “Paul, has been really great just need to be more accurate about time.”
Areas in which I suck: “(Punctuality)”
My overall rating is “Average”.
Under this, both the “Reviewed by” and “Approved by” lines are blank, because another Operator filled this out (which is illegal), and she plans on just signing it after I do. Fat fucking chance.
Now, I looked at those blank lines after “Employee Comments” just staring at me and decided, hey, what the fuck, let’s see just how far I can stick my dick into this organization.
So here’s what I wrote: “I agree with everything but ‘Dependability’ and ‘Quality of Work’. In the case of ‘Dependability’ I would be far more dependable if I weren’t called at 2pm for a 3pm shift. As for ‘Quality of Work’ (I shit you not readers, this is what I wrote verbatim) I am the most polite, well-spoken, friendly, helpful and diligent operator on staff. Ask anyone in the building who has ever spoken to me. Granted I’m often late, but never more than a few minutes. Once I arrive though, (verbatim) I shine and I would like some attention brought to that luster. Thanks.”
Man, since I wrote that I can’t stop smiling. Look at it this way, if nothing happens, I continue working here and I acertain that my power is infinite. If they fire me, I go to the news stations and tell them everything, plus I get to hang out with Phil almost 24/7 once he arrives. I feel like someone should take a picture of this: I am BEAMING.