A review of BoJack Horseman

I heard about BoJack Horseman by accident. I was sinking in a pit of ALS Bucket Challenge videos and saw Conan O'Brien's entry. At the end of it, instead of clicking on the next in the series of endless videos of random celebrities pouring ice water over their head so that they didn't have to donate $100 to RESEARCH AND CURE LOU GEHRIG'S DISEASE, I clicked on a thumbnail depicting Conan and Will Arnett.

I like Will Arnett. Yes, sometimes I think he's a bit one note, but I like that note, so, I clicked. It was a clip that started with him talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Childhood Rapists and I was ready to tune out (Will Arnett was looking very orange in this particular interview and it was making me uncomfortable) when Conan mentioned Arnett's new project; an animated thing called BoJack Horseman, a new Netflix Original Series.
Considering how excellent a lot of Netflix's original stuff has been over the past few years and the fact that, since it was animated, I wouldn't have to see Arnett's jaundiced countenance, I decided to check it out.
I popped over to Netflix and saw the trailer: Will Arnett, Aaron Paul, Amy Sedaris and Alison Brie.
I was at least going to watch the first episode; I love all these actors and, although the trailer made it seem a bit low brow and repetitive, what's twenty two minutes taken from my already pointless life?
Exactly.
Nothing.
I watched the first episode and, yeah, it was kind of low brow and repetitive, but, the opening credits were fantastic (as was Grouplove's original, overly-referential song over the closing credits), Patton Oswalt played three characters and Kristen Schaal was in it as well, so, I decided to watch the next episode.
And so on.
Now, I was beginning to enjoy myself; there was more to the show than the trailer indicated and it was fun hearing Paul and Brie not do their normal thing, not to mention Paul F. Tompkins' boundless, grinning exuberance as Mr. Peanutbutter, a character whose name gets funnier every time it's said aloud. Then, around episode seven...things got deep...and real.
And it was weird.
Good weird.
Then, in episode eight, when we get a good look at the heart of this show and at the origin of BoJack's issues, things get even better: they get reflective and somber and the scene at the end between Herb Kazzaz (voiced, masterfully, by Stanley Tucci) and Horseman is so far away from where this show started that you won't believe it's from the same series.
I just finished watching the last episode (finishing the whole season in two sittings) and I'm already bummed that it's going to be at least a year before there are any new episodes to consume, if it gets renewed.
Way to go, Netflix, you've, again, made something ballsy as fuck, another triumph from the people who, only a few years ago, merely delivered DVDs to your house, introducing the concept and practice of binge watching.
Evolution is so exciting, isn't it?

Aeon Reflux

This title is so fucking clever and apt that...I...aw, FUCK, just you wait....

*breathe*

Let us begin...

Tried to go to bed early on Friday, failed.
Woke at 8:30 to shower and head to the most south and east corner of Manhattan for another day of shooting Unker & Physia with Jess and Phil and Kris and Chris and Andrea and Minna and Veronica and other people with names.
Despite a bunch of hitches, it went pretty well and we finished shooting an entire episode.
Anyone who happens to be Will Pomerantz will recognize my costume...much thanks for your gift of silk, Mr. Basa.
Tasty taste.

Then I got lost looking for a subway and accidentally wandered through some sort of Little Italy fair day or something. It was...brutish...
After some time I found myself next to the Noho Star and quickly boarded the 6.
Once I got home, I decided that I wanted to eat ribs and watch the rest of Aeon Flux (which I'd started the night before), which, if you are unfamiliar...just...don't, don't, okay?
Track down the episode called "Chronophasia" and, if you dig it, call me and, if not, just...just don't, okay? Just don't.
I can't really think of any voice actors utterly owning and defining their characters more than Denise Poirier as Aeon and John Lee as Trevor Goodchild, they really knock it out of the park.
It was especially challenging for them as these two characters had never spoken once (well, Aeon said "Plop." in the short "Leisure", but, since when does "plop" count? Stop thinking about it...) and yet already had such strong personalities thanks to Peter Chung's artistry.
And, speaking of Peter Chung (the creator of Aeon Flux), there was a little documentary about Aeon Flux in which he states that the idea for Aeon Flux, who and what she was, how she moved and all that, came from his frustration from working on Rugrats.
Yeah.
The guy who created Aeon Flux played a huge role on Rugrats.
He said he was getting tired of these clumsy characters that couldn't really do anything, and so he created this dominatrix assassin ninja badass...the complete opposite of a baby.
And then he decided that she would die at the end of every episode.
Way to fight the babies, Chung.

Anyway, ribs.
Thankfully, a new smokehouse just opened down the god damn street from me (John Brown's Smokehouse) and I was in luck.
I ordered $30 worth of ribs and put them all on, then in, my face, as is the proper fashion.

After finishing the ribs, the Aeon Flux series and all the Aeon Flux shorts (I'd forgotten how awesome, beautiful and hilariously over-the-top these things were when it came to the violence and sexual content, the completely random sexual content), I remembered that, on the Aeon Flux DVD, there was a little collection of bits from Liquid Television.
Liquid Television was...it was one of the reasons people used to love MTV; it was the stuff they did that wasn't music videos that actually worked on a channel called "Music Television".
Liquid TV and The State and The Maxx and The Head, all these things were so...fresh...and NEW, it's just crushing to see what's become of this once great experiment in culture.
I miss it so.
Anyway, after experiencing all that good, I decided to watch the Aeon Flux movie...which I remembered as being bad, but, hey, I AM AN IDIOT.

Some notes:

No, you know what?
One note: this was a movie about something else entirely, and MTV just used the names and locations from Aeon Flux.
Boom.
They also mispronounced Bregna (BREN-ya) as BREG-na, the awful fucks.
And they fucked up the character's backgrounds, motivations and fucking everything else.
Like I said: they must have had some shitty sci-fi script ready to go, then decided to cash in on all the good faith and credibility that Japhet Asher and Peter Chung had garnered from this amazing, singular creation and waste it on this piece of shit.
After about a half hour, I gave in to how exhausted I was and went to bed at 3-ish.

After four magic hours of sleep, I awoke to find the $30 worth of ribs trying to flee my body by any means necessary.
I'll be honest...I spent a tense twenty minutes or so wandering, naked, around my empty apartment (Chris had gone to New Paltz for the weekend, leaving me alone to DIE), murmuring to my stomach, slowly petting it downward in order to encourage peristalsis and discourage reverse peristalsis and convince the food to go in the direction that Jesus the Christ intended and not the other way, and, after setting my pillows at a 90 degree angle, I slept on, not dying.

Honestly, I'm not sure if it was the ribs that did this or something else, but, believe you me, I'm only going to try their food like four more times.
I'M A BLOCK AWAY FROM A POTENTIAL PULLED PORK SANDWICH PIPELINE, YOU'RE FUCKING-A I'M GOING TO TRY THEM AGAIN.

I woke later that day and...hm...forgot what I did the rest of the day it seems...maybe played Samurai Shodown in the original Japanese...?...then Chris came home and we watched The Cabin In The Woods, which, somehow, I had not had spoiled for me.
And, you guys?
Holy shit.
I'm just going to leave it at that because there's nothing I can say about this movie that will make it any better.
Just go and watch it.
Watch and love it.
It really is like nothing you've seen before.

After all this madness was done, I finished the first season of Homeland and saw some of the best acting Claire Danes has ever done.
Her manic episodes are so beautifully and tragically acted...aw man.
Do Emmys still matter?
If they do, give one to her.

Then, there was sleep.
But not, it seems, enough.
Then, before work today, I made a little thank you for the Sex Geniuses that run Bookend Tiger Radio, as they are having ME as their guest on this week's episode!!!
I am ecstatic and nervous, not at the quality of my performance, I always deliver the goods, it's what I do, but more because I'm going to try recording the whole thing on ProTools from my end so Andy can just drop in my side of the conversation sourced from my sexy mouth talking stick.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for Buttered Sex Honey.*
I'm confident that my appearance on this podcast will result in my instant and meteoric rise to stardom, nationally, internationally and, thanks to the satellite technology utilized by Dan and Andy, galactically.
So, be ready.

This sudden rush to film the majority of Unker & Physia has left me feeling a bit...frayed, but, whatever happens, it's done by November first, so it's my job as a professional actor to do what I can to make it the best goddamn web series you won't watch because, while it's so easy to click "like" on Facebook, how many of you have actually bought my fucking audio book?
Don't apologize to me, apologize to Phil!
I only read it, he created it!
Fuck.

Anyway, you can purchase Philip Tucker's The Grind Show audio book on Amazon right now!!!
It's eight hours of your superimportantbusy time spent listening to a silken-voiced god-king (me) telling you about love, loss and demons.

Also, the Speakaboos story, the Tortoise and the Hare has been uploaded! I'm the Fox (doing a passable Paul Lynde) and the Bear (just kind of sweet and dumb)!
Go to www.speakaboos.com, where you will be greeted by a friendly dragon (voiced by me) and then click on the story, then "Read It Myself".
Click on the Fox and Bear and BOOM, I'm in your ears!
I'm also Humpty Dumpty (the egg, not the leader of Digital Underground), the narrator of The Boy Who Cried Wolf and either Turkey Lurky or Cocky Locky in Chicken Little, I honestly cannot remember which.
There will be a lot more soon...

Hm...all right, it's 10:16. Now I'm going to sit and ponder nothingness in preparation for the coming void.

Nam myoho renge kyo.
Hai!

*BWOOOOONG*








* This is in reference to the quality of my voice and not the funk octet from the early 1970's. Again, the funk octet from the early 1970's, Buttered Sex Honey will NOT be performing on this week's Bookend Tiger Radio podcast.

A return to the banal

THIS IS NOT ABOUT BANE OR ANAL AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BANE OR ANAL, SO JUST STOP, OKAY?

Thank you...jeez!

Since returning from the Great White Whale, I've gotten back into my routine of watching...things...

Although I've seen it before once or twice, I had a hankering to watch The Departed again...and so I did.
Martin Scorsese can really only do one thing right, but, well, he does it right, so who cares? One thing I didn't remember from the last time I saw this was all the deus ex machina that happens.
Oh, Matt Damon left the ridiculously incriminating envelope on his desk for anyone to see.
Oh, the entire time Nicholson had some other mole buried way deep in the State Police.
Oh, some other.example that I'm too tired to remember.
Great movie though, it manages to keep that crazy ultra-violence without the silly accents of the Italians...although the Boston accents are pretty funny, I'm looking at you, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg and Martin Sheen (whose accent might be the funniest because it disappears from time to time...like a spring peeper!)

I also rewatched Hot Rod, which still holds up beautifully as one of the best comedies in the vein of Wet Hot American Summer since Wet Hot American Summer. Not quite surreal comedy...more like...hyper realistic? Absurd? Whatever. Hot Rod can suck its own dick...and does...a lot.

Chris and I have begun (and are almost done)* rewatching Firefly and remain utterly baffled as to why it was cancelled. Was it the excellent writing? The really solid acting? Maybe the well-rounded and multi-faceted characters, perhaps? Well, I'm sure you made the right choice Fox...you always do what's best for people.

And, after considering her recommendation for about a year, I have finally taken Becca's advice and started watching Homeland, starring Claire Danes looking like smoothie made of cuteness, paranoia and screaming psychosis. I am enjoying it thus far and my only regret is that I will be finished with the first season weeks and maybe months before the second season is out and available for totally legal download.
I used to watch My So-Called Life** and seeing our little Angela screaming obscenities and doing other adult things that would have melted MTV in the 90's is...well...weird, it's fucking weird.

In news not relating to things that aren't real...does that scan...?...yes...anyway, Saturday, Jen and Lisa joined Chris and I to eat much meat at Alobar (bacon-wrapped meatloaf...all of it...in me...) and give the brand new Second Expansion of Cards Against Humanity a twirl.
Some very nice additions.
Sadly, I don't think I can play that game for a while...between the laughpocalypse with Chris, Jim and Phil a few weeks ago and this most recent foray, I don't want to overuse this gift, na'mean?
BUT that won't be a problem for long, as Resident Evil 6 comes out in a few short weeks and (maybe) I'm going to have a sleepover with Jen and Lisa and we're going to do my hair and talk about boys' butts and kill the living shit out of the victims of the most recent Umbrella Corporation abomination.
And make popped corn.

On Sunday, Chris and I met up with Hillary and Alex at Bare Burger and talked of things which aren't really public yet, I don't think.
She was in town to get shoes and do some ADR for the upcoming film The East which is going to be awesome for her.
Then Chris and I spent about forty five minutes with a ten-week old, black French bulldog and almost bought it...but, luckily, we thought it over and, after finding out that that particular pet store was investigated for buying puppies from a puppy mill, we decided against it.
And I'll say no more on the subject because it will break both our hearts.

And, finally, today, one Jen Rock began her internship at MY shitty Hospital. After her shift, we got lunch and macarons and then ate them loudly in front of the statue that I thought was Christopher Columbus, but which is not.
Bummer.

Now, I might write a song about having a Birthday party for a box of pancake mix.
I just don't know.









* Fuck you so hard, Fox.

** That's putting it mildly. My friends, Kirsten Snyder and Elizabeth Burden actually called each other characters from the show...I was Brian Krakow... * sigh *

It's Been A While

Fuck you, Staind.
You've managed to ruin a phrase that people say all the time.
Also, your name is misspelled and you sound like a MORE awful Limp Bizkit.
But, hey, at least Fred Durst died from that exploded appendix...the one I sent him that was full of hand grenades and needles covered in hep-C.
So, Happy New Year after all, I suppose.

I have been in quite a busy state.
The Grind Show audio book project, which has sort of had no real deadline, suddenly has a very hard, very real, very fast-approaching deadline.
But, after a solid weekend of rerecording and editing, I am almost done.
I need to edit my rerecord of chapter 2 (the original chapter was not as action packed as it should have been) and then, barring some huge, computer-related cataclysm, the Grind Show audio book is finished.
Cannot WAIT for people to hear this...
More information coming soon.

Then there is my upcoming trip to Los Angeles.
I'll be attending They Might Be Giants' 30th anniversary concert, seeing a recording of Jay and Silent Bob Get Old (as will Will's lovely wife, Diana, who, thanks to Will, has NO IDEA what she is in for) and, hopefully hanging out with Grahme Skipper and Dan Delgado, he of the terrifying, knobbly word cock.
When I return, I will be a mere four days from my 31st birthday party...which will feature liquid...motherfucking...nitrogen.
There will also be other awesome science things to do.
I plan to wear a lab coat and quote Portal all evening.

When I find the time, I have been playing my copy of the Metal Gear Solid HD collection which has cleaned up, prettier versions of MGS 2, MGS 3 and MGS Peace Walker.
I've always loved these games, but was reminded of why after playing Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, the first, chronologically speaking, Metal Gear game.
The depth to these games is...incredible...
The entire series is based, not on running in guns blazing, but in staying hidden.
You can potentially, if you're amazing and Japanese, play every single game in the series without being seen by the enemy and by taking them out with non-lethal force.
It requires skill and patience, but it's possible, and you're rewarded for both.
And then there is the story...
I'm planning on playing the whole series in order just to get a clearer pictuire at the ridiculously convoluted, super-Japanese plotline.
I say "clearer picture" because that's really all you can get when it comes to Metal Gear.
That should carry me into 2013 nicely...

Aside from reliving my fondest tactical stealth action memories, Chris and I have been watching the sixth season of Dexter, which, despite the inclusion of such television and movie stars as Tom Hank's son and Commander Adama from BSG, was really awful.
Except for the last thirty seconds.
Again, if you want something cool, just watch the last thirty second of Dexter, season six.
With the events of that thirty seconds, season seven promises to be good.
HAS to be. 

Along with all this, I've recorded some VO for new friend/collaborator, Phil Maniaci, who was a co-producer "Bitter Sweet", the short film that was too scary for Steve Buscemi, rerecorded some Lenovo VO for TransPerfect and, tomorrow, I have my third session with Speakaboos, in which I will finish where I left off in my recording of the alphabet.
I was on "G".
Which stands for "green".
The color, not the fad.

Very exciting times.
Very exhausting, exciting times.

The Truth Is Out There...In Your Mom's Vagina

12.19.12
4:46 pm
 
A few days ago, I watched the last Fincher film I’ll watch for a while (unless I remember to watch the one about Buttons and Brad Pitt), Zodiac.
Below are my smattering of notes…
 
It’s shot beautifully, as all his stuff. Every scene is massively detailed.
If awards were given for how good a film looks, hen clap for this one, but, after a serial killer movie like Se7en, is there really any point to keep making them?
 
Mark Ruffalo is excellent, loved every minute of him (but I still don’t love him for Bruce Banner).
His back and forth with Anthony Edwards (NNNNNEEEERRRRRDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!) is great and as natural as Fincher could have dreamed.
 
Chloë Sevigny looks (relatively) normal for once…but she’s still kind of a bitch.
 
And Charles Fleischer is astounding. I’d never want to be in a basement (even such a well-lit and set-dressed basement as this one) with him.
He’s terrifying.
But I’d still rather hang out with this creepy Charlie Fleischer than the one from his weird ass talk show.
Hyperactive little spaz.
 
You can feel the passage of time like a mofo in this movie.
From 1968 to 1991, you feel it.
Crazy…
 
In the end though, true stories that have no real ending aren’t my favorites.
Even with Donovan on the soundtrack.
 
I’ve also been rewatching X-Files and some diamonds have revealed themselves…either because of their awesomeness or their outright oddness.
 
First off, there was an episode in the second season called “3”, which is kind of like a Brett Easton Ellis homage.
It features Mulder having sex with some kind of vampire chick for no real reason while fires rage in the hills of Los Angels.
Scully gets abducted for six measly months and Mulder gets all existential and nilistic…
Very odd episode…
 
Then there is the classic, “Irresistable”, which introduced Donnie Pfaster, the “escalating fetishist” who starts off cutting the hair of a dead teenage girl, then digging up graves and taking hair, fingernails and occasionally a finger and then picking up prostitutes in order to kill them simply to obtain their hair and nails. This actor, Nick Chinlund, is PERFECT for the role and reminds me a bit of Crispin (Hellion) Glover, but less theatrically creepy and more death-sex-fetishist-next-door creepy.
You know.
Scully is so vulnerable in this…it’s heartbreaking to see her so scared.
 
Then there’s the episode I watched just today.
It’s called “Humbug” and it’s Chris Carter’s love letter to sideshows, starring Jim Rose, The Enigma, the midget from Twin Peaks and a whle bunch of other awesome actors.
The whole thing is tongue in cheek and funny as hell.
And there is some sort of aborted looking monkey monster.
Which is good.
 
And, finally, I returned to Bang studios downtown this morning for my second Speakaboos recording in as many weeks.
I was another slew of characters; a fox (a Paul Lind fox which is like a regular fox but more sassy), three different pigs, a newt, another monkey, two different narrators, Old MacDonald, the Speakaboos dragon and…more.
As for before, it was exhausting and the most fun I’ve had in a booth in a while AND I’m coming back in January!
WOO!!!
SPEAKABOOS!!!!
And, you know what’s supergreat about this?
Speakaboos is about teaching kids to read, so, in the end, I’m helping kids be less stupid.
And that is all I’ve ever wanted to do, make people a little less stupid.
Merry Christmas, future.
You’re welcome.

Things.

12.9.12
3:55 pm
 
Things and stuff, actually.
 
This…has been a very long week.
Very.
TWO reasons.
First, the impending release of nearly three hours of new music from one of my favorite artists, which made the minutes pass like hours, and second, the fact that my Speakaboos booking (which I found out about last week) was scheduled from 9 am to 11 am this morning.
And this wasn’t a job where I could gruff my way through like Harley-Davidson or Comcast, a job in which my thick, sleepy voice was just what the client ordered; I was to voice nine separate characters with varying tones, timbres and ranges.
It was actually to be a challenge.
So, since last Sunday, I’ve been going to sleep and waking up an hour earlier every day this week.
I must say, it has been quite a harrowing experience; in some ways good (the massive amounts of time I have before going to work- I did laundry!) and in some ways bad (the pervasive feeling that I was slowly losing my god damn mind as the people around me were turning into tentacular abominations).
It’s certainly helped me to understand why so many of you folks that work a 9 to 5 every day of every week are such blistering assholes.
Sorry, such high-strung, blistering assholes.
I also understand why you all drink so much coffee.
Because you’re weak.
Anyway, this recording was excellent, one of the best I’ve had in a while.
Unlike the well-paying but overall unexciting/undemanding Comcast/Cablevision stuff, this was fun as hell. I gave these characters character, some inspired by my favorites voice actors over the years, some pure me.
Pure. Throbbing. Me.
The segments I worked on (Humpty Dumpty- the egg creature, not the lead singer of Digital Underground, The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Chicken Little, The Three Little Pigs, Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star, and the Tortoise and the Hare) should be on the Speakaboos website (www.speakaboos.com) in about a month or so.
I’ll be sure to keep you posted.
 
In honor of my weird week of fucked up sleep, I decided to rewatch the X-Files…all 202 episodes (and two movies).
Jenna was right, some of these first season episodes are GARBAGE*.
But Mulder and Scully are just so cute!
And, is it weird that Scully carrying a Walther is arousing?
Something about a hot redhead carrying James Bond’s trademark gun…I don’t know…gets my pickle tickled.
But I digress…sexily.
I’m not sure if I’m going to (be able to) keep up this new sleeping/waking regimen, but we’ll see.
Another thing it’s allowed me to accomplish and a big pebble in the “Pros” jar, is work on some music for a project I’m calling “the Tucker EP”.
Basically, it’s music (all instrumental and created under my ‘pseudonymous’ moniker, no diarrhea here) inspired by Phil’s books.
Aside from the Grind Show theme, nothing else is completed, but I have a few sketches.
Between ProTools and my newly acquired Kaoss pad (thanks again, Will), well, like He-Man, I have the power.
The power to make some badass, creepy drones.
HEAVY DROP!
DUB STEP!!!
GLASS KNIVES!!!!!!
If I do end up getting an iPad, I think I’ll have enough tools to build something interesting.
I just have to stop trying to emulate Trent fucking Reznor.
I’ve finally found a down side to listening to Nine Inch Nails for all these years:  I’m thinking/composing like him, but with the scantest fraction of the tools/talent at his disposal.
Mm.
Who knows, I have like, three friends who know NIN, so maybe it’s not such a problem.
We’ll find out when the lawsuits start rolling in.
 
Tomorrow evening, I will be in attendance at Kaitlyn’s birthday party and, before that, some event relating in some way to the new Dragon Tattoo movie. It’s called Hard X Mouth Taped Shut and I’m not 100% what it is.
But they have some cool looking t-shirts and I want one.
 
God I’m exhausted…
 
All right, no more finger talk.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
* Their homage to Carpenter’s “The Thing” was pretty great though.

Last night, I saw the new Muppets movie...

11.28.11
7:37 pm
 
...after another excellent meal at Bareburger with Chris.
 
And I have some thoughts...
 
First, I must say that I disagree with the overall premise: that the Muppets have been forgotten.
Maybe I'm not hanging around the right grade/pre-schools, but the Muppets are eternal.
You watch Sesame Street until you are old enough for the Muppets proper and then you are a real human being, no questions.
The idea that they have somehow become unpopular is ridiculous.
Not enough disbelief to suspend.
 
Next, Jack Black was the biggest and most relevant star they could find?
Really?
The Muppets?
Settling for Jack Black?
Someone in Hollywood is not doing their job.
 
And Selina Gomez?
Yeech.
At least she was only in it for a moment.
During which I farted.
 
Kristin Schaal, on the other hand, was wonderful, as always.
 
The music, also, was excellent, Brett McKenzie nailed it, although pretty much all the songs sound exactly like Flight of the Conchords.
But whatever.
They work and are delightful.
As is Amy Adams.
I think I enjoyed her simply by virtue of the fact I've never seen her in anything.
Which, based on peoples' opinions of her, is probably a good thing.
 
And I loved that Scooter now works for Google.
The fact that both myself and a Muppet have had the same name on our paychecks (on a few occasions, at least) just makes me feel magical.
 
I've always felt a connection with the Muppets, as I grew up two blocks from Jim Henson's home and had my picture taken there in front of the two story mural depicting all the Muppets seated in a movie theater looking out.
Wonderful energy in that place.
 
On the whole, I didn't the love the new Muppet movie, it really just made me want to go home and watch Muppet Show DVDs.
Chris and I watched a few before she lost her nightly battle with Mr. Sandman, twelve minutes after laying on the couch.

• Steve Martin - Banjo madman.


• Madeline Kahn - I'd gladly trade a dozen of these mindless, pointless "hot young things" to have her back with us, she was truly amazing.


• John Cleese - Living, breathing comic god. Bow before him or suffer.

Around the time I recorded the voice of Baby Kermit for that never-released talking doll, I discovered that it was to be part of a Muppets renaissance of sorts, ushering in a new wave of Muppet media including a new Muppet Babies and a brand new Muppet Show.
But then Disney bought back the recently reacquired Henson Studios and fucked everything right up.
At the moment, there is a sitcom coming out which hinges on people living next door to Muppets.
Although I'd like to believe that anything with Muppets in it has the potential to be great...that premise is just assy.
Throw in a laugh track and some canned voices going "oooooooooooohhh!!!" and you've got yourself a fine recipe for Poop Soup.
Which is crushing.
 
To sum up: the Muppets are good.
That's all I've got for you.
 
Mahna, mahna.

SUCKA PUNCH!!!!!!!!!

8.30.11
10:25 pm

Had an excellent hurricane with Christina.
They need to shut the world down more often so I can spend some quality time with my One and Only.

Media Consumption Round Up!!!

After ignoring its existence for months, I finally opened up InFamous 2 and gave it a spin.
Not all that surprising, it's a lot like InFamous 1, but with...uh...more...InFamous 1.

Chris and have watched the second of the three Girl movies, The Girl Who Played With Fire.
Dark and Swedish.
Like the book but with less research.

Watched Sucker Punch because I heard it was massive HD eye candy.
Turns out it was.
I kept expecting someone to just turn towards the camera , throw up the Metal Horns and yell, "Sucka Punch!!!!!".
There was this great moment when Jon Hamm (?!) has this wonderful look of confusion on his face.
Of course it's because of something his character was confused about, but I thought, just for one tiny second that he was about to look right into the camera and say, not "Sucka Punch!!!!!!!" but "I'm in Mad Men, what the fuck am I doing here?!"
But he didn't.
My loss.
Back to my point:
I keep hearing people complain that there was no plot.
.Well...yeah, it's Zack Snyder.
I thought we all had an agreement that if Zack Snyder is to be allowed to direct things, someone has to write an amazing script.
Like Watchmen.
That was a good Zack Snyder movie because he didn't have to write anything.
Sucker Punch was...well, it was just too obviously teenage masturbatory material for me to get anything out of it.
Seriously, teens, the Internet has, literally, thousands of hours of free, high def porn just waiting for your sticky little fingers.
You can probably even find an Emily Browning look-a-like if you searched long enough.
I'm glad that, after such a waste of time like Sucker Punch, that she is doing a serious movie like Sleeping Beauty with a script and all that.
I hope this doesn't just turn out to be mindless titillation as well.

I've also reached the last episode of the first season of Breaking Bad which I jumped into because I've heard enough good stuff about it to tickle my pickle.
My Television Pickle.
I'm enjoying it, even though it drags occasionally.
It's pretty amazing to see Bryan Cranston play this role after watching Malcolm In The Middle for so many years.
This guy is hardcore.
I've watched the first...season or two of Weeds and I have to say that Breaking Bad wins.
Mainly because the stakes are so much higher; growing marijuana can't cause you to explode.
I know the fourth season just started and it'll be interesting to see how they keep this going.
I'm hoping they don't pull a Dexter where they almost totally reveal everything at the end of each season but never quite do, ostensibly resetting everything back to one for each new season.
We'll see...

Sadly, a Great Sickness has descended upon me, rendering my voice moot for the continued recording of The Grind Show.
Which blows.
I am so fucking close...
The book is three quarters recorded and half edited, not counting the tweaks ordered from the God King, Tucker, the Maker of the Word Who Must Be Lauded Above All.
I'm honestly astounded that I made it this far without getting sick.
Well...we'll see who is boss.
Soon...nothing will stop me...

I am going to go pee pee and go home.
And I'm taking my gondola with me.
SUCKA PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Lack Of Action In My Blood

8.2.11

4:24 pm

 

I feel...so hollow at this moment.

24 is over.

No closure, no big finish, no Jack Bauer vs. A Renegade Asteroid or Angry Tsunami or a clone of himself.

Yes, yes, there were some crazy moments, just like there are in every season of the show; Jack did get dressed up in some crazy, all black government killer outfit, causing an evil ex-President to actually scream the words, "It's Jack Bauer! He's coming to get me!" like a teenage girl in a slasher flick while pointing and weeping.

But.

You know.

I wanted more.

Something irrevocable.

There were rumors of a ninth season on some other network, but the price tag was too high.

Then rumors of a 24 movie which would sort of defeat the purpose unless it was 24 hours long and in real time.

Anyway, let's not focus on the past.

I need to lock down the future.

Where the hell am I going to get my ridiculous action fix?

I need my ridiculous action fix.

I need perpetual action with a huge number of cliffhangers and bad acting.

Fuck.

I can feel the sense of urgency the show instilled in me draining out of my body like piss.

*sigh*

 

In other news, I have officially recorded half of Philip Tucker's The Grind Show. 

The first eleven chapters have been edited and are ready to go.

Again, if I only had a quiet place to record this thing, it would have been over about two months ago, but, hey, welcome to New fucking York fucking City.

Fucker.

I'm finding that the more characters there are in a chapter, the longer the recording takes.

Especially when Jeremy (who totally has to be Irish because it's integral to the plot and who couldn't ever be Scottish NOOOOO!) is involved.

I need a studio and an engineer and a director and an editor.

Just remember that when you listen to the final product.

I was lacking these key elements one has when recording an audio book.

I'm happy with what's gone on thus far, I just wish it sounded more professional for those out there that are going to buy a copy.

Whoever you are.

I have to say, Phil, next time you want something recorded, try to have the release of the book AND the audio version coincide.

Not really sure how many people are going to buy this...

Do you have any friends who are readers but are also legally blind?

Beside me?

Oh! I have an idea! Arrange a book tour and then blind the people who come to buy your book with acid!

They'll have no choice but to get the audio version!

I mean, they were there to buy the damn book, right?

Money. Maker.

Someone should shake me...

 

I'm going to try my damnedest to pop out one chapter a night until I'm done, but "early" "morning" auditions the next day and the baking heat of my room (with door and windows closed to minimize the goddamn noise) make a liar out of me.

HEAR ME: I am still enjoying myself and it is an honor and a challenge to have undertaken this task, but it's just getting drawn out is all.

And we still don't know if anyone is going to even by a copy.

THAT is the rub.

It's like an audition, but instead of ten minutes and a paragraph of text you're tossing out there, it's hours and hours of talking and editing.

Yeesh.

But whatever, I dig the book, I'm in the book and the writer is not only a best friend, but also a great writer who has the ability to grab the reader by the brain's balls and make them dig his shit xmax.

So fuck you, read his book and then listen to his fucking book, read by me, you filthy god damn pigs.

 

Phil, the above statement...book jacket/audio book blurb?

...call me...

 

Planning on seeing Captain America tomorrow.

The movie, not the superhero.

If I can find a show around 86th street, I might follow this up with some hot dogs and papaya dust juice.

Goodness gracious is that stuff addictive.

I haven't had it in years, but, yeah...that stuff is addictive.

 

And finally, I just found out yesterday that TMBG is having their 30th anniversary show (the actual date of their first show, but thirty years later) on January 28th, 2012 in Los Angels.

As it happens, my birthday is three days before that and I am considering flying out to see the show, all the Kevin Smith podcast shit I can and hang with Will and Diana.

And possibly take in a real good meal in Glendale.

And go to JC Penny.

And eat at a Zankou Chicken.

But the show is seated and the people more obsessed than me have already bought up a lot of the good seats.

So, not sold yet.

I put an e-mail out to the Instant Fan Club folks to see what the deal is, but, yeah, not sold yet.

 

More updates as I see fit.

 

This Weekend In Sloth

7.25.11

5:03 pm

 

Thursday evening, Chris and I put in our air conditioner and then I dragged my mattress into the living room.

It has been there since.

My increased proximity to my entertainment center has resulted in the following: less motion.

BUT I did manage to record the 18th chapter of The Grind Show.

I think it may have been a massive fail as far as this project goes.

Hopefully it's all up hill from here.

Or uphill, whichever Spell Check deems fitting.

Along with that, I finished a remix I've had in the back of my head since...well, 1997.

Not for public consumption, this is just for me to enjoy and that makes it okay.

 

Other than these two "achievements" everything else was flan, baby.

I watched The Green Hornet (might be worse than The Shadow, but I'm not sure. No, wait, yes, I'm sure, because this was made IN THE PAST YEAR).

Watched Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (bottom line, these people are having fun and it's fun to watch people having fun...at least when one of them is Steve Guttenberg).

Saw Horrible Bosses with Jeannie and Chris (best 'R' rated comedy I've seen in a while, better than both Brides Maids and Bad Teacher).

I'm also still chewing my way through the final season of 24.

Beginning to get really concerned about where I'm going to get my mindless action fix once this show is gone from my life.

In a moment of panic, I took Netflix's advice and added the entirety of Prison Break, half out of desperation and half out of wonder at how in the fuck they're going to stretch a prison break over five fucking seasons.

Made the prison is a prison for prisons?

SPOILERS!!!

I am gloriously happy that Netflix has added the next two seasons of That Mitchell and Webb Look to their Instant Thing.

I watched most of the second series last night and had trouble not waking Christina with my laughter.

There is a little bit they do at the end of one of the episodes (as themselves) involving the creation of cheese which is incredibly funny.

 

As for paper TV, I am still reading A Clash of Kings and it really is a chapter by chapter thing now.

Once I've drilled through that, I plan to take a break with either John Hodgman's Areas of My Expertise, the third and final book in the Millennium trilogy, the Hunger Games series (recommended by Jeannie) or maybe the latest book in the Dresden Files, Ghost Story, which comes out tomorrow.

One thing is for sure: whenever I choose to read it, I'll be buying it tomorrow to avoid being book-raped for buying it next week, when the price triples.

And yes, I do know two people working for the publisher, both who could probably get me a copy for free, but I haven't spoken to them in maybe half a year or more and that would be a bit obvious, no?

I also have the latest Terry Pratchett...

Mm...reading options...

 

Should be wrapping up Saint's Row 2 soon and I'm fine with that.

Feeling a bit of open world burnout.

Might finish Portal 2's co-op if Will ever drags himself away from his dead end exploring-the-universe job and focuses up.

WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT GLADOS IS UP TO!!!!

 

Also did some research on iPads.

God damn those things are expensive.

Even the basic model.

Anyone know Bill Gates?

Or where he keeps his iPad?

...call me...

 

All right then.

You've had enough.

Art Poop

7.19.11

3:38 pm

 

By the way, the definition in the Paulitosphere of "art poop" is as follows:

 

(n.) Stuff that comes out of one's brainus

 

And, if you need to ask what a brainus is...then you don't have one.

 

My "vacation" was bliss except for the awful, hateful heat, in which I become a misery.

I believe, at times, that I am part rock troll.

As promised, I finished the seventh season of 24 (totally thought Jack was going to die except for the fact that the eighth season exists and that Jack is in it, not dead), wrapped up my time with Resident Evil 5 (a very enjoyable experience, SO many Infected Africans dead by my hand...you're welcome), stepped into the GTA-like pool of Saint's Row 2 (badly designed at times, but overall so far so good), drank bubble tea at least once a day, had dinner with Chris a record-breaking four days in a row, saw Bad Teacher which wasn't awful but suffered from Apatow Placebo Syndrome and saw the remake of Alice In Wonderland.

I have to say, regarding that movie, I don't get why people hated it so much.

For what they did wrong, they did a whole lot right, even if they didn't spell it all out for you.

 

AND, along with all this delicious nothing, I finished editing and submitted my entry to They Might Be Giants' "Can't Keep Johnny Down" video contest, in which, I found out late last night, I was named as one of the six runners up.

As a prize, the judge, writer and Personal Computer John Hodgman is going to buy me a pizza.

His issues with my video were all technical (lighting, editing, overall muddiness) and have pushed me over the edge.

I have recruited Ray to help me find a camera that: A. is not a shitty cow dick, B. is not over 11 years old and C. is not a shitty cow dick.

My focus is on A and C, although B is also of great import.

I've heard Tiger Electronics is a place to start looking...

Will has strongly suggested that I start a Kickstarter using the promise of custom-made videos, George Washington Diarrhea songs and other weird shit no one would ever pay for to raise money for said new camera.

Totally unrelated, did you know that Sir Richard Branson just bought Kickstarter?

Me neither.

But I digress.

After seeing the other runners up and the winner, I must say I don't think the winner should have won.

I am NOT saying that mine should have, it really does look like shit compared to HD videos of actual shit, but there were two other runners up that top the winners, hands down.

I'm going to stop saying "runners up" now because it sounds weird and wrap this up by saying I am super super happy to have ranked among the top six of over a hundred entrants.

This video wouldn't have happened without the help of Ray, Steve, Paul (not me or the Simon Pegg movie, but another person actually named Paul), Lauren and her Scotsman, Brian.

And it would totally never EVER have happened without Christina, who gave up her July 4th to embark upon on of the most obnoxious filming days ever.

 

Speaking of segues...I woke unrealistically early today to obtain a super special wristband which grants me entrance into tomorrow evening's free TMBG in store appearance at the SoHo Apple Store.

Maybe I'll get an iPad while I'm there.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Get it?

You will.

It's a way-homer.

After my adventure to the SewHoe, I went to an audition for Papa Gino's Pizza which was very fun and then I picked up the CD version of the new They Might Be Giants album, thus releasing me from any and all guilty feeling regarding my illegal download of the album last week.

Or any album.

Ever.

For reals.

The album is good.

It's not great, but it's good.

I'm far too close to be objective so I'm interested to hear what Will or Bill have to say, guys who are more...less psychotic...about the band than I.

Although I do blame Will for this initial psychosis ("we have Hank" I believe the text of the poster was to read...) and Bill for putting me in actual, physical contact with my objects of obsession, however, in the long run, that encounter seems to have made me less psychotic about them as people, if not about their music and the rate at which they produce it.

As long as they keep their distance from kid's music for a while (say eighty or ninety years), I think we'll alllll be fine.

 

Switching gears, there was a writ passed down from the Rich White Guys running my Hospital that if anyone trips, slips or falls while in the facility, they are NOT TO BE HELPED BY ANYONE THAT ISN'T NURSING STAFF.

Great, so not only are you humiliated by your (most likely very public) fall to the ground (maybe into a puddle of something if you're lucky!!!!), you must remain there in pain and embarrassment until someone with less intelligence that a rotting fish stick (BUT ONE WITH A SHINY PIECE OF PAPER) can find a moment to trundle over to you, tut tutting about how clumsy you "is".

In related news, there was a memo sent out to all employees from the Employee Health Service Office...turns out that there have been a lot of incident reports of employees slipping and falling because they were wearing inappropriate footwear (plastic sandals, shoes with plastic soles, etc.).

The irony...it tastes like funny...

 

Watched the Dark Knight Rises teaser earlier today.

A full year before the film's scheduled release date.

*sigh*

This is going to be a long year.

 

And that is absolutely everything I've done.

I also sweated a lot.

Horribly so.

Like something might be wrong with my pituitary gland or my endocrine levels or my duodenum.

It's like I'm leaking.

Thank god I've already gotten that "meeting my soulmate" thing out of the way, because, seriously, what human woman would want me now?

None.

It would be Swamp Women or nothing for me.

So, thanks again, Chris, for all your work on the video and, you know, me.

Two Decisions, One Realization and Some Bullshit

6.28.11

3:13 pm

 

I've had a realization: Kevin James is probably the best comparison for white people to what Tyler Perry is for black people.

Both as far as his mind-boggling popularity with the masses and his uncanny ability to irritate more than an oozing skin rash on one's coronal ridge that extends to the perineum and all the way up to the ass neck.

Does anyone have any government connections?

Like say...connections that would be interested in killing James, Perry and Larry the Cable Guy and making it look like some sick, S&M murder-suicide?

Tweet me.

On the DL.

Oh, quick aside, the new Twitter is a bag of dicks.

 

Also, I've made a decision: when forced to interact with the few individuals here that I loathe, I am going to speak with a slight but noticeable speech impediment

More precisely, I am going to talk in what I like to call my Big Dumb Voice.

Ask me for a demonstration some time, you'll be so happy you did.

This is solely for my own benefit, but if these people end up hating it, well, bonus.

What are they going to do, report me for "talking funny"?

I'd love to be called into some office for that.

It would start quite an interesting dialogue...which would get me super fired, super fast.

 

I've also decided to take part in the recently announced contest to create an official music video for They Might Be Giant's latest single "Can't Keep Johnny Down".

While I might not love the song, the grand prize, aside from creating the official video for TMBG, is $1,000 and a pizza from the pizzeria of my choice.

John Hodgeman is the judge and I think I know what he likes.

Hint: it's not Macs.

 

 

In other creative news, last night I recorded chapter thirteen of forty one of The Grind Show.

Having some trouble with Javi at times, but hopefully it will work out.

 

And: I had a chance to plug in my new Warlock to my MBox and it sounds fucking awesome.

I am thinking about using it to make a more action packed theme for The Grind Show.

We'll see.

And, in case you were wondering, having an electric guitar does NOT mean I can suddenly play or even sound like I can play.

In fact, my first demo for that new theme was created by me using the guitar more as a keyboard than a guitar.

I also had a lot of effects on Pro Tools.

 

Anyway.

When not creating, I have been destroying.

Destroying Africans.

But don't worry, they're Infected Africans.

Hm.

None of that sounds good.

Let's take this again.

I have been playing Resident Evil 5, which features several moments which, if taken out of context, would look really bad to any random member of Amnesty International.

Really excellent, really frightening, sometimes frustrating game.

 

I've also gone back to the Action Teat that is 24.

Maybe a third of the way through season seven, the penultimate season.

Janeane Garafalo is a bit too Janeane Garafalo for me to forget that she is, in fact, Janeane Garafalo.

Dig?

I call it Bruce Wills Syndrome.

And people are now officially coming back from the dead.

And Jack has no government agency backing him this time around.

Stakes feel a little lower after all the crazy shit from the last few seasons, but, like I said, I'm only a third or the way though, things could, literally, go nuclear at, literally, any second.

Literally.

I'm getting concerned about what I'm going to do after season eight...how am I going to get my action fix?

I might turn to drugs...Action Drugs.

 

Speaking of Action Drugs.

Wazzer.

4.14.11

3:25 pm

 

I've heard awful things about Sucker Punch, and that makes me sad.

 

I've realized that this French goddess from the Bacardi shoot, Carolina, and my friend from high school, Katrina Pavlovich, are dark and light versions of the same person.

 

I've watched every inch of the third Jackass movie and laughed quite uproariously at certain points. I am confident in saying that I could watch an 8-hour Jackass movie and still not be tired of their antics. I am also confident in saying that all the people who think Jackass is stupid and puerile and etc would also laugh their pretentious, "high brow" asses off after sitting down and watching a few choice scenes.

 

I've listened to most of the new Foo Fighters and I'm not overly impressed, but I put my full 'Nine Types of Light' review up on Amazon, if you're interested.

 

I've come down with a touch of pre-order sickness with regards to Playstation 3 games, having put down ghost money on the new Mortal Kombat, Portal 2 and L.A. Noire (which isn't coming out for over a month). Why on earth would I, Mister Instant Gratification, pre-order something? Because Amazon keeps giving me money to do so, that's why.  For MK, they're giving me $10, another $10 for L.A. Noire and $20 for Portal 2, PLUS a random $5 off the original game price.

That's $45...FOR BUYING VIDEO GAMES.

I think this Amazon thing is going to work out...

 

I have (for the moment) abandoned The West Wing about halfway through season six in deference of the final season of Big Love.

Watched the first three episodes last night and the bottom just keeps dropping out for these poor, fake people, culminating in the darkest Christmas episode of ANYTHING I have ever seen. I'd list the horrible things that happened here, but it's just too heavy. Crazy black stuff for a holiday episode. And not even "funny" black, just "suicide" black, although some things still manage to be kind of funny...while still having pitch black ripples...all of which have to be wrapped up in the next eight or nine episodes. There's almost always a bittersweet feel to a good show's final season. I think that anywhere between four to seven seasons is best, as long as the later ones don't jump the shark and there's still stuff worth talking about. I enjoy the feeling that people are going to die in a show's final season, that there is some finality.

Does that make me morbid?

Or just a completionist? 

 

Aside from the television, I've been reading a book! Yes, a book! It was given to me by Jim as a birthday present. It's called The War For Don Emmanuel's Nether Parts. It was a touch inaccessible at first and remains wildly roundabout at times, but, now that I'm into it, I'm into it deep. The juxtaposition of the horror and beauty of the land and the horror and beauty of the people is overwhelming at times, hilarious at others.

 

Phil has finally gotten the final final draft of Grind Show back and is now painstakingly coding it into Kindle format...and soon it shall be mine to read and record, the first of many steps towards the two of us making huge amounts of filthy, filthy greenbacks.

Which are a type of fish, I'm told.

Non-edible, highly poisonous fish.

 

Also, on a creative whim, I wrote and recorded a song for a lifetime friend of Will's, Brooke.

At the time of the writing/recording, I had met her twice, once while visiting Will in D.C. years ago and once at Will's wedding en Colombia*.

I had a feeling she was awesome, but couldn't prove that, although Will openly attested to the fact.

Since the presentation of the song and a handful of back and forths (including a picture of her and some friends in mini-skirts and high heels firing Uzis) I am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she is, in fact, awesome.

I am hugely looking forward to June, when she is planning to swing by the city for a Fountain Tour, where I will spend a day with her and we will get to know one another.

And most likely share hilarious and damning stories about Will.

Involving...the difficulty of pillow talk...and...stuff...

 

Okay.

That's fine.

That's fine.

 

 

 

 

 

* That is Spanish for "in Colombia".

NOW We Know

8.11.10

4:02 pm

I am loving my new set up.

So, you know how I just left my mattress on the living room floor Saturday night?

Well, it's still there and I'm digging the hell out my new set up..

It's cooler in the living room, the floor is better for my back and I can eat, watch stuff, play stuff and sleep ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!!!

I am now a squatter in my own home.

Also I may be becoming agoraphobic.

Or veal.

Anyway.

One of the things I was watching was a British sketch comedy show called That Mitchell and Webb Look. It stars the two guys who write and star in Peep Show, David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

It's unlike a lot of sketch shows I've seen because the sketches are, for the most part, short, so you get a lot more out of an episode.

I believe my favorite sketch is The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

In a nutshell, it's Robert Webb with one of those camera rigs from "Requiem for a Dream" that keeps the wearer dead center while everything around him is spinning and whirling about.

He plays this insane hobo type guy.

There's no way my description does it justice.

You should just check it out.

I watched the whole first season in one sitting Monday night, then I downloaded the second and third (they are airing the fourth now). While I was looking for it, I found something called That Mitchell and Webb Sound (as well as a book called, yes, This Mitchell and Webb Book), which is a radio show adaptation of the TV show with about 90% new stuff and 10% of stuff from the show, just redone.

That is another thing I love about the BBC.

If something is good, it goes multimedia.

Books and radio as well as television.

These people still have an interest and respect for radio that the U.S. is sorely lacking.

Radio in the U.S sucks donkey cock.

But Little Britain, Mighty Boosh, TMAWL and other Brit-Coms all have radio shows based on their TV shows.

I love that.

Fucking Yanks.

I really do think I should just move to the UK and become Mr. Radio.

But I'm uncomfortable around Stonehenge.

And Crouch End.
Here is a taste of That Mitchell and Webb Look: Now We Know

Finally, last night I came home to find the PlayStation Store had updated (as it does every Tuesday) with something called "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World: The Game".

On the occasion of the Watchmen movie and the Kick-Ass movie, they also released downloadable games based on each.

Watchmen was fun for a bit, then got reeeally repetitive and Kick-Ass was just a piece of shit.

So my hopes we low for Scott Pilgrim, which made me sad because the books had a lot of character and the movie had character gushing from every orifice, and making a smaller video game out of that would be a perfect fit.

They had a demo up so I check it out and it blew my fucking mind.

It is the PERFECT adaptation for the books and movie.

Perfect.

It's a fully 8-bit, side-scrolling brawler with several elements of a class RPG (HP, XP, stats etc.).

It has characters, in-jokes and locations from the books.

It's honestly like an 1080p Nintendo game.

Ridiculous fun.

All for $10.

I have NEVER been this excited about a video game based on a movie based on a comic.

Planning on buying that this evening.

And playing it while sitting on my bed.

Anything else?

Waiting for Will's Birthday present to arrive.

Sure hope he likes dead panda bears.

Also waiting for Phil and Grace to buy their tickets to New Mexico.

Gotta send that book back...hm...

Having lunch with B.J. the Bruce this weekend.

Probably going to the Afterparty.

Need condoms.

Done.

Bangs

5.26.10

3:32 pm

By which I mean to say "fringe".

Ahah ha ha.

See, I just made a British hairstyle name/J.J.Abrams sci-fi television series joke.

Ahah ha ha.

I am one episode away from the end of the second season and loving it.

Definitely making up for 'Lost'.

At the moment anyway.

Fringe isn't afraid to have actual parallel dimensions.

And, as I was hoping, they are spending the majority of these last episodes in said parallel dimension.

The only thing that boggles me is that they keep talking about the "other" side, but if we're going all Everettian on this bee hatch, then they should know there are bazillions of parallel universes.

Oh well.

Maybe that's the big reveal at the end of the season.

But, whatever the case, this is, more often than not, a solid show.

Hang on.

Fire drill. 

Okay.

Also, yesterday during lunchy poos, I received yet another summons from the hombres at Adrenalina.

They still crave my magic voice, or vox magico is the language I just made up since I do not speak Spanish.

Something about a  Caribbean Manifesto.

They was some discussion with the gents as to whether it was Cah-ri-BEE-an or Ca-RIB-ee-in.

They figured that since the company says Ca-RIB-ee-in when they answer the phone, that we should go with that.

So, yes.

Free money from a bunch of cool guys.

Good stuff.

HTDA is doing...something later today.

I will have experienced it by the time you read this (unless they haven't done it yet) and I'm a-flutter with anticipation.

I'm assuming, maybe some pre-order deal where, if you pre-order now you get another track or the video in HD or...hm...some artwork?

Whatever.

I'm stoked.

I'll juice about it later if it's worth juicing about (and probably if it's not).

KISSES AND BYE BYE!!!!!!!!

In this place you'll find...that I have lost my mind.

5.24.10

4:44 pm

You know...bees aren't really busy.

They just like to rub up against flowers.

So...busy as a bee really makes no sense.

So...stop saying it, as you are misrepresenting an entire species.

Are bees a species?

Ben Kingsley was in Species.

But he was also in Gandhi.

And Sexy Beast.

I feel like I've mentioned this before...

First things first, remember that I had said I had two songs on the bubbler?

Well, one of them was "BAILY", which more people need to hear and the other went from about 35% done to 75% done this weekend.

And it is my magnum motherfather opus.

I know I tend to...hyperbolize occasionally, NO!

NO , it's true, don't try to say it's not, I beg you...

But, there is not a hyperbolic bone in my body when I say that this song might be the best thing I've ever made.

And, like, sometimes I'll say "best" meaning, like, not REALLY the best, but more like...you know...not very god, you know?

But this is the true best.

Okay, I'm not reinstalling all the hyperbolic bones.

Ouch.

The was the most painful thing I HAVE EVER FELT EVER!!!!!!!!!!

There we go.

Aside from this song, I had an errant thought in that muddy place betwixt sleeping and waking, and I am now acting upon it.

It is going to be a lot more work than I had once thought, but it's going to pay off.

In some way.

Not money or anything, but HUGE dollops of whipped respect from a certain community.

And, now that I've mentioned it, I'll probably not do it.

We'll see...

And speaking of segues...I SEEN a bunch of stuff this weekend.

And last week!!

The first was 'Aliens Vs. Predator 2: Requiem'.

Although it probably couldn't have been worse if they'd named it 'Aliens Vs. Predator 2: WREAKQUIEM!!!!!!!'.

So...the Pralien that popped out at the end of AVP1 causes a Predator ship to crash on Earth, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, I.

Also on the ship are eight facehuggers in glass tubes, preserved, for study or sex, by the Predators.

We see this in the first three minutes.

The next twenty are used to introduce about a dozen human in this quiet, little town and to make us care about whether or not they are eviscerated/made into wombs by Aliens or hunted/decapitated by Predators.

The only thought I had while we met the Guy Who Just Got Out of Jail But Who Has A Good Heart, his friend the Guy Who Used To Be A Troublemaker But Is Now A Cop, the Troubled Punk Teen Who Also Has A Good Heart, the Girl That Loves Him (who is a total hot slut but whom we don't get to see naked before a Predator staples her to a wall with a spear...what's the point of releasing an unrated version of a horrible movie if there's no BOOBIES?! J'ACUSE AVP2!!!! J'ACUSE!!!!!!!!!!), the National Guard Reserve (or some goddamn thing) Mom Coming Home After oh fuck it, these people are all fodder.

As I was saying before I ACTUALLY BORED MYSELF AWAY FROM THE SENTENCE, the only thought going through my head while we met these people was, "I hope they will all die horribly".

And, for the most part, I was sated.

The only cool thing about this movie was seeing what would happen if a dozen or so Aliens went apeshit crazy in a small town in America while being tracked by a solitary Predator.

Guess what?

Lots of people die.

The "bad guy" is the matured Pralien.

Which looks like a big goddamn Alien, but with mottled tan skin like a Predator.

Aside from being mucho ugly, this thing has somehow evolved the ability to slam it's mouth over that of pregnant women and pump offspring directly into their bodies via their throats.

I'm not kidding.

It was pretty gross.

Then they birth three at a time, rather than one.

It's messy.

In the end, the Government fucking nukes the town (way to go), the Predator and Pralien impale each other on sharp things and the Guy Who Just Got Out Of Jail (played...hm...not "well"...not..."horribly"...just played then, by White Sean from Rescue Me), his brother, the Mother who blah blah and the Daughter of the Mother make it out alive.

The very end is some government dude bringing a Predator laser weapon to some Asian chick who says, "The world isn't ready for this technology" and then the government dude says (WITH THE WORST DELIVERY OF A LINE OF THIS TYPE CAN HAVE!!!!!), "But this isn't for...this world, is it, Ms. Yutani (the "Yutani" from "the Company")?".

And then the movie ends.

And it's awful.

One other thing that was pretty awesome; at the beginning, the first two Alien Wombs were a father and son (like 10 or 11 years old) hunting.

I was thinking they would pull some punches and have the kid escape...no.

Not only does he get totally facefucked, he gets cheastburst.

It set my expectations a bit high, but that didn't last long.

See, the most frustrating thing is I don't know what would make a good AVP movie.

I wish I did, but, until I do, I'ma keep ooooooon bitchin'.

Also saw 'The Invention Of Lying'.

Ricky Gervais needs a special kind of movie, and he was doing a few different things in this one, INCLUDING showing "real" sincere emotion and good acting skills at the bedside of his dying mother.

Amazing to see him do that and do it well.

I'd be interested to see him in some About Schmidt or Little Miss Sunshine dark comedy stuff, see how he does.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Garner (his opposite in this not a romcom romcom) looks like Julia Roberts less mutated child.

Not that Julia Roberts has a mutated child, that I know of, I'm just saying that Jennifer Garner looks like a less mutated Julia Roberts.

Sorry for the confusion.

And, finally, I saw the series finale of 'Lost'.

I was left feeling disappointed.

Mainly with the explanation/wrap up of the parallel universe (a concept I totally dig but seldom seen done well).

As for the rest of the plot or the "real" plot, the ridiculous behemoth that's been lumbering around in our lives for the past seven or eight years?

Unsatisfying, but, I do understand it is hard to wrap something THAT huge in a tidy little blanket.

Basically, it could have been worse, and, in the long run, it doesn't matter, it's a TV show.

It did get me to thinking about what TV shows I have watched from start to finish and gotten a real sense of satisfaction out of.

Not very many came to mind.

In fact, I think 'The Wire' may be it.

Amazing show.

Some people think it was slow, but it was building that's all; and, in the end, worth every gut-wrenching second.

'The Shield' had a solid ending but nothing that blew my mind.

Same with 'Oz'.

'Fresh Prince' was kind of gay.

The ending of 'Sopranos' was indifferent faux-art douchbaggery, not good, some people made that mistake.

It was also kind of hilarious for all those people downloading it.

The gamut of emotional responses went from pissed to confused (then a quick trip to a bunch of message boards where the phrase "There's nothing wrong with your file, that is the end of the series" was repeated lots of time) to really pissed.

Overall though, the biggest problem I have seems to be with shows that aren't "real", you know?

Cop drama, cop action drama, Will Smith vehicle, prison soap opera, organized crime soap opera...truly excellent to shit stew in my mind, as far as endings go, but 'Battlestar Galactica'?

Nope.

Hated that ending.

'Dollhouse'?

Didn't quite hate it, but walked away unsatisfied (along with the creator of the show, but you know what I mean).

I don't know, all in all, with those shows it seems to be more about the journey than the destination, but can't SOMEBODY reconcile the two?

Maybe 'Fringe', although J.J. Abrams is down one with that 'Lost' ending.

I suppose we'll see.

In your mouth.