Some thoughts on Captain Marvel

Never really been a fan of prequels, but I understand this film had a job to do and it did it just fine: introduce this ridiculously powerful character and show her being ridiculously powerful so we can just get right into that in Endgame. 
I could take or leave the whole 90's nostalgia thing. I was there. These things (slow internet, Blockbuster Video, No Doubt) existed. Cool.
I thought Coulson was kind of needless aside from establishing him and how Iron Man "wasn't his first rodeo". Again, this movie had some boxes to check and it did so.
I felt that everyone on Starforce except for Minerva had little to no personality and I didn't care if they lived or died. I was happy Lee Pace didn't use his silly now i am emphasizing things voice from GotG, but that's it, another rather needless character.
But, my biggest problem, the reason why I might never bother to watch this film again*...is that they pulled another goddamn Mandarin.
I was so excited to finally get some payoff from the Ten Rings thing in the first two Iron Man films and ON TOP OF THAT have Ben Fucking Kingsley playing the Mandarin! Then...nah. Yes, it was HILARIOUS to see him as the drug-addled Trevor Slattery, but I would have so much rather have had him be the Mandarin.**
Anyway, when they announced that there were Skrulls in CM, I. Was. In. The implications of that...Secret Invasion along with the events of Infinity War? Oh man, comic book crossover gold. But...nah. In another startling original twist that shouldn't have happened, Skrulls are the victims and there will be no Secret Invasion. At least not yet. I suppose, among other boxes that have been checked by this film, we can add the existence of Skrulls and their skillset to the list.
I was happy to see that the first post credit scene just skipped the whole "who will save us?" thing and just dropped Danvers in. Good. I want all 475 minutes of Endgame to focus on awesome shit. No catch up, no "why are we fighting?! WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE!!!" stuff, just 22 films and 11 years worth of action in my eyes.
I'm also really hoping they've got a reeeeally good reason for there being a Spider-Man 2, and a Doctor Strange 2, and a GotG 3, and a Black Panther 2.

* I'm lying to your face, I have already pre-ordered the steelbook Blu-Ray.

** There was that Marvel One-Shot, Hail To The King*** that indicated there's a real Mandarin out there...and that went exactly nowhere. Maybe phase 5?

*** Remember those? I miss those so hard...

I'm Doing Stuff Too...OSCAR EDITION (A Star Is Born, Vice)

How can there be good, interesting, well-written, well-directed films like The Favourite, and Into the Spider-Verse, and BlacKKKlansman nominated and winning awards, and ALSO A Star Is Born? Is Lady Gaga that popular? Are people that tired of thinking about films? Even Green Book (or How To Solve Racism In Eight Weeks) was better than this...

First off, I hate country music and most pop. So that could already put me solidly outside the demographic circle for this film. Secondly, people who say Lady Gaga is ugly have never seen a real ugly person. Is she ugly when compared to what the beauty and modeling and film industries have been telling us is beautiful for decades? Sure, but she's not ugly. She's barely movie ugly. You want ugly? Steve Buscemi is fucking ugly. He's talented as fuck, but he is someone H.P. Lovecraft would have slapped eyes on and then described as "batrachian". He's the child of Grendel and Gollum. And if HE had been discovered, singing French songs in drag by a drunken Bradley Cooper, I would have completely believed that "people like the way he sings, but they call him ugly". But Lady Gaga? Her face is a little weird. To me, this device is maybe one or two steps above the "ponytails and glasses make hot girls not hot" device that's been used, overused, beaten to death, exposed, parodied, AND THEN REBEATEN TO DEATH for years. It's sloppy. Something Oscar worthy films should not be.

Then there's all the trite shit that's trudged out for the billionth time for everyone to be surprised and impressed with. Ugh.

Look, I know this is a remake...of a remake, I think?...but I don't care. You know what needs a remake? The Silent Hill video game franchise. Resident Evil is cleaning up and we still have to contend with PSOne era graphics and controls if we want to experience the first Silent Hill. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SCARED BY THIS RUSTY BLOB!

Also, I know he's become his own thing and a goddamn Oscar magnet, but I cannot see Bradley Cooper without seeing Michael Ian Black absolutely fucking the shit out of him in Wet Hot American Summer. I know Cooper would probably have been discovered at some point, but the fact that David fucking Wain put him in his first movie...aaahhh! Deeelicious. I prefered Gaga in American Horror Story. Her funkiness made more sense.

Now, as for Vice, I knew NOTHING about this film, not even a trailer. I heard Adam McKay had written and directed and I was stoked. In the end, I thought it would be funnier and I don't see the point of it. Okay, evil man in politics. Yeah. We're there guys. It's happening NOW. This did deserve Best Make-Up though. And Bale MIGHT be my pick for Best Actor for how hard he threw himself into Cheney. He must REALLY hate who he really is to be so good at taking on other roles... I'd hate to ever ruin a take on his set by checking a light... Someone suggested I check out The Big Short, but I saw a trailer and I don't need to. The twist though? Wow, masterfully done. Plus, Bale looking directly down the barrel and saying "you chose me...and I did what you asked" is chilling and sad and please let's only have 690 or so days left in this caldera of piss and shit and blood and fire and hate please.

Biggest problem: Sam Rockwell did not dance. I am heartbroken by this sad fact. But, we got to see how awesome a couple Lois Lane and Batman would be so.....ugh. I'll stop.

I'm Doing Stuff Too...OSCAR EDITION (The Favourite, Green Book)

Maybe you'll consider this cheating as I saw The Favourite a while back when Chris was still here, but, Oscar Edition motherfuckaz. Eat it.

As I've mentioned, I've been a fan of Olivia Colman for years. I think the first time I saw her was in Peep Show and/or Mitchell and Webb. The fact that she kept appearing in EvERYTHING BBC and has now won for Best Actress is just fantastic. Emma Stone is as husky-voiced as ever and her deviousness was palpable. And then there's Yorgos. His movies always fuck me up and I think this is his tamest. I usually tire of the type of movies where one must be polite above all else, one may be as snarky as one prefers, but one must always be polite, until someone eventually snaps and, I don't know, poisons someone... This was my issue with Downton Abbey. If more people solved their problems with violence, things would just go faster. Not better mind you, but faster. If Rachel Weisz* just threw Emma Stone down some stairs at the first sign of backstabbery, things might have turned out better, but the film would only be eight minutes.

Oh subtlety...scoot!

A few years back, both 12 Years A Slave and Django Unchained were nominated for Best Picture. People referred to them as the "serious racism movie" and the "funny racism movie" respectively. In the former, we saw Chiwetel Ejiofor undergo unspeakable, nightmare things, and, after over a decade in this hell, somehow barely manage to escape. Racism wasn't a person or group of people, it was a huge machine which destroyed the hearts, minds, and bodies of men, women, and children. In the latter, we didn't solve racism, but we saw Foxx go on a bloody rampage against those that purportrated racism against him, so for him, maybe he DID solve racism. I feel like BlacKKKlansman and Green Book are kind of in the same place, although I wouldn't really can BK wholly "funny" just like I wouldn't really call GB wholly "serious". BK is dark as fuck with some really dark and sometimes goofy humor tossed in. Why not call it what it is? It's a Spike Lee joint. His stuff is always very...Spike Lee-y. As for GB, I would call it this year's "cute" racism movie. Yes, Mahershala Ali (who I dug in Treme and everything else I've since see him in) wasn't allowed to eat here or try a suit on there and some white men pushed him around and punched him !!!! But that punch happened off camera. Because this was a PG-13 exploration of racism in the Deep South in the early 60's, so there was only so far they could go. In the end, the racism felt problematic, a thing to be navigated, rather than the huge, disgusting stain on history it really is, and as it was shown, beautifully, tragically, in BK.
Also, I feel like we missed something between Viggo's character THROWING OUT GLASSES BLACK MEN HAD TOUCHED to taking the doctor's money and agreeing to be his driver for two months. They didn't seem THAT hard up for cash. And, yeah, I got the feeling he didn't want to work for the MAFIA, but there wasn't enough of a struggle for me to believe this racistdude would just go along with it. And, the fact that these two magic months taught Viggo Mortensen tolerance and love and respect...I don't know, it just felt like a Disney version of racism.** The performances were great, the music was excellent, truly something special, but the whole thing felt very sanitized, which is exactly how racism should NOT be portrayed, especially today, in this racial climate with this Nazi sympathizer as the president. It should be exposed and left seething as the filthy shit it is, not something to be tiptoed around.

Final thought on Green Book: Viggo Mortensen is starting to look like Ed O'Neill in his later years.

* I just love that sneaky little 'z' at the end of her name...

** And not like Song of the South. That's...a different form of Disney's version of racism.

I'm Doing Stuff Too...OSCAR EDITION (BlacKKKlansman, Bohemian Rhapsody)

Never known Spike Lee to make anything that isn't both brutal and beautiful, but those last few minutes...aw man this place is STILL so fucked up. The mix of empowerment and disempowerment is artful and crushing. Topher Grace is goddamn chilling with his "aw shucks" avuncularity, Jasper Pääkkönen is that horrid, unspeakable kind of redneck piece of shit that gets you mad just thinking about him, and Adam Driver has so many great little moments. The fact that so fucking little has changed since when this film was set is enough to drive one over the edge, but the worst thing is that the people who need to see this (the ignorant diaper bags who are actually portrayed in the film) will never see this. It's the same with climate change docs and all that science that they label as propaganda. Oh fuck me I'm so white and straight and liberal...

As for Bohemian Rhapsody, I feel that biopics that aren’t rated R can’t portray any real truth. At some point or other in anyone’s life/career, they’re going to say 'fuck'. A lot. I feel Mercury's slide into the world of sex and drugs and more of both was done rather toothlessly, but again, PG-13...can't offend folks...

And, speaking of teeth.

Oh my sweet chili peppers...the teeth.
The. Teeth.
Or, in his case the tteeetthhh.*

Did Malik deserve Best Actor? I don't know, I haven't seen the rest of the films. Overall though, I didn't really care about the film. It felt too much like a biopic about a really popular band. It was like, let's hit all these notes and that's it.

Whatever. I do think I am going to start listening to more Queen though. And I'd love to pick my friend Angie's brain, if she saw it. I am also curious what the film would have been like if Sacha Baron Cohen had played Mercury, as was going to be the case a few years back. I think that would have been an amazing performance and would have made for a much better movie.

I did see AND ENJOY The Favourite though...COLMAN!!! YEAH! I've loved this lady since she randomly showed up on EVERY BBC SHOW EVER IN THE EARLY 00'S. And now, everyone else does too.

Crack on, Olivia.

* Get it? Because he has too many?

I'm Doing Stuff Too... (Collateral, I, Tonya)

Heard about Collateral because Tom Cruise played a bad guy in it. He smiled less than usual and talked more quietly. Good stuff. Otherwise, this was one of those dozens of perfectly serviceable, sometimes stylish, almost instantly forgettable action/thrillers that come out every year. Last year it was The Commuter. Mark Ruffalo was a nice surprise, specifically his facial hair choices.

Not a clue how or when I heard about I, Tonya. Probably when Allison Janney got the nom/award for Best Supporting, which she earned completely. An evil Janney is something to behold... Can say the "incident" really affected my life one way or another when it happened, but, hey, Margot Robbie. They did such a fantastic job at making her look less like the angel she is. And, because I am a nerd...this was a movie starring Harley Quinn married to the Winter Soldier.

These "reviews" are so good and helpful, you guys.

I'm Doing Stuff Too... (Blue Ruin, Hard Eight)

After mentioning Green Room, my beatboxing sweat-brother Jon Schoss* turned me onto Jeremy Saulnier's earlier film, Blue Ruin, apparently the first in a trilogy of "color" films. Again, I was struck by how spare and direct it was. How "this happened and it went wrong, where do we go from here?" Also how fucking much Macon Blair looks like Graham fucking Skipper. It's beginning to freak me out. I dug the trappings of GR more, but this was a great experience.

Can't recall how I heard about Hard Eight. Probably saw it mentioned around when PTA was up for Oscar shenanigans with Phantom Thread. It's really funny how this feels like a PTA student film; it still has the actors and the situations and the Jon Brion music, but the scope is tiny. One ONE story?! One FOUR characters?! My biggest problem with this movie was believing Gwyneth Paltrow as a prostitute. I can't think of a more haughty actress...maybe Madeline Kahn? But, seriously, even completely broke and dying of starvation, I cannot see Paltrow selling her body for ANYTHING less than 6.5 million dollars.
Also, I strongly believe that Philip Baker Hall has neither chewed gum nor worn jeans in his entire life. The jeans would instantly turn to a black, tailored suit. I also believe he has looked and sounded like he does now, at age 87, his entire life. First words, "Mother, I'd like to suckle, if I may."

* A man who always brings the kukushiki.

I'm Doing Stuff Too... (Bone Tomahawk, Green Room)

I stumbled upon Brawl In Cell Block 99 a while ago and enjoyed it. I like where Vince Vaughn is these days. I was at a session and Brawl came up. Turns out my friengineer, Dan, worked on the next movie S. Craig Zahler did, Bone Tomahawk. Dan said if I liked one, I'd probably like the other. He also said there was a moment so brutal, that it might undo me.

I'm not normally a Western kind of guy, white hats, black hats, shooty bang bang, I get it*, but this...aside from the excellent subtleties these actors brought, the twist on the antagonists was phenomenal.

I spoke with Dan briefly as soon as THAT scene happened. We discussed how "dry" the film was, but score-wise and sound-wise. It really works.

I'm looking forward to Dragged Across Concrete, Zahler's most recent. Also his new film. Specifically because there's a guy with a mohawk in it who apparently has a really small dick...but he knows how to USE it, and THAT is what matters.

Then, I tried Green Room. All I knew of this was that Sir Patrick Stewart goes against type. I saw the A24 logo at the start and any fears that lingered were allayed. After ten minutes, I thought this was going to be a sort of Mid90s but for an underground punk band. Boy howdy had I misread the room...the...green...room. This is a tense, taut, tight, tinsel, tangelo, tawny thriller. Plus there's a dude in it named Macon Blair who looks a little like my friend Graham Skipper's chubby older brother.

These were a perfect accidental pairing and I'd highly recommend them both. Although, heads up, they both get a bit graphic.

* Although Val Kilmer is and shall always be my huckleberry.

I'm Doing Stuff Too... (Tag, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald)

Christina has gone to Europe for like a month.

Fine. Whatever.

I can do things too.

SUCH AS.

I have this little flash drive on which I put movies. I'll hear about a movie and years later, pick it up. I'll see mention of Jon Hamm's dick and get another.

I'll have a hankering for something specific and go get it.

While she's gone, I'm going to work my way through these.

Some I have seen, some I have not, some are classics, some are trash.

SOME ARE SOMEHOW ALL FOUR.

I started things off with Tag.

I like all the actors in it so how bad could it be? "Not bad at all" is how bad.

It was a fun little romp and gave Jeremy Renner something to do while not filming Infinity War. There was a weird thing at the end with the whole cast singing "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm" by Crash Test Dummies. I'm sure that has some meaning.

I am not sure what it is and I do not care enough to dig deeper.

I also learned that Isla Fisher is fantastic. "Quite the firecracker" as some septuagenarian might remark.

Ed Helms is a national treasure.

Next was the second Fantastic Beasts movie. First off, I don't care if there's no chemistry between Newt and Tina; they're portraying the man with Asperger's and they're doing it well and I think that's great to see. I also think Johnny Depp is playing Johnny Depp with paler skin than usual and I don't think his performance ameliorates the charges of abuse leveled at him by Amber Heard. I don't see how one has anything to do with the other but there you go.

While it's fun to get back into the whole Potterverse, I'm really glad I outgrew these books/movies. I feel doubly so after learning this isn't to be a trilogy but, apparently, a quintology.

Yikes.

More to come.

If I feel like it.

"SPECTRE" PROBLEMS

When I walked out of the theater that night, I was apoplectic. Not only had it been a bad Bond film, something I thought we'd seen the last of in 2002 when whatever devils shat out Die Another Day*, but it had actually managed to damage and devalue the previous three, excellent Bond films*** and set the whole franchise back. After that shitty little tacked on scene, I was completely fine with a new Bond****. Toss it out and burn it down.

Since then, I have purchased the film and rewatched it, taking notes about what, exactly, had made me so furious, confident that it couldn't be that bad, right?

I am exceedingly pleased to admit to myself that it's not, in fact, that bad, and convinced now that that guy who said Spectre was "the worst Bond films in 30 years" had never seen Die Another Day.

After some time and distance (and filtering out the niggling shit), here are my biggest issues with the new Bond:

Oh that credit sequence: In all seriousness, did NOT ONE PERSON INVOLVED with this know of the existence of tentacle porn? Also, while we're talking about octopi: the octopus as a symbol works, but the actual octopus, especially an octopus/woman hybrid does not. Fire, good; mirrors, good; hentai, BAD.
Then, there's Sam Smith's voice. His testicles? Where are they, please? I get that there must be emotion, but, if you're going to get that high, just get a lady to do it. I don't want Bond to be associated with men singing in breathless falsetto. Unless it's as a joke.
Or unless it's beautiful.

WHY DID BLOFELD’S TORTURE CHAIR DO, LITERALLY, NONE OF THE THINGS HE SAID IT WOULD DO?! Not only did Bond remember exactly who Swan was seconds after having his brain drilled, but, moments later, he sprints down a hallway, disarms a guy, shoots that propane thing, and snipes a whole bunch of dudes, things one couldn’t do without, you know, "sight, hearing, and balance", all the things Blofeld said he'd just fucked with. Plus, if ANY of his senses had been the slightest bit affected, that would have been an excellent time for Swan to be more than a damsel with pretty hair. It ends up making Blofeld look like an idiot.

That weird and clearly tacked on bit at the end. It's obvious the creators didn't know how they wanted to leave things, so they shot that bit of drivel.

And here's the niggling shit I filtered out.

"I think you're just getting started!" - Jesus fuck

So, that posthumous message from M indicates that she knew about SPECTRE? Nah, let's not bother explaining that.

Hi, I'm Rory Kinnear, double-0 exposition.

"Of course! (forehead slap) Mr. WHite!!!!!!!11!!!"

Making Mr. Hinx superhuman is the bad kind of reference to older bond movies. Jaws was Jaws, let him rest.

Why does SPECTRE headquarters feel like a spa?

The details of the ring and how it connects everything is WAY underexplained. I had to pause the movie on Q's computer screen to put it together. Am I that stupid? 

"I'M THE METEOR!!! ME! AND SPECTRE! WE'RE ALL THE METEOR!!!"

Blofeld talks about how he was (indirectly) responsible for the death of all the women in Bond's life, but the woman from QoS didn't die. You'd think with so many cameras, that Blofeld would have known that.

So much surveillance and foreknowledge of Bond and they didn't check his watch?

The fluffy, white cat just for fan service felt silly.

So love is stronger than…cataclysmic brain trauma?

They should have let the "now we know what 'C' stands for" joke stand on its own.

The escape from M I 6 was way too cozy.

That last a little car commercial moment is just awful.

Here's what I'd like to see if there is another Bond in this series: 

SPECTRE returning to its roots and moving off of the personal shit with Bond. Or, maybe they put a bounty out on Bond and Swan, allowing us to see a little more of her being awesome. You could also throw in 009...played by Idris Elba. And, one way they could ameliorate that pointless and completely ineffective torture scene would be to have lingering effects hindering Bond.

I'd really like to see Swan in the next one and the issues Bond has with real life. We didn't get nearly a long enough look at that with Vesper in the third act of Casino Royale.

Or reboot the whole thing. Again. After the bad taste Spectre left in my mouth, I'd be fine throwing out Craig and starting things over. I like M, I like Q, I like Moneypenny, and I like Blofeld.

* One of my favorite credit sequences though.**

** Not the music; the visuals and story tie-in.

*** I enjoy Quantum of Solace as a direct follow-up to Casino Royale, not something to be viewed after a long period of time.

**** Although not Idris Elba. I love his strength and grit but he is not Bond any more more than James Brolin is.

A review of "Cooties"

Much in the same way* This Is The End was spawned from the sentence "I want to see Jonah Hill raped by a demon", Cooties was* spawned from the sentence "children are fucking monsters".
You ever watch "Glee" and then, for whatever reason, one of the Saw movies and then think, "you know, I'd like to see these folks get together and do something"? If you said "yes" to this**, then you should probably see Cooties.
Cooties is a grisly horror comedy which tackles the zombie apocalypse from a pretty novel microcosm: grade school, with Patient Zero portrayed as a young girl who has eaten a tainted chicken nugget. Although the tried and true zombie movie beats do, eventually, rear their undying heads (Jump scares abound! Hey! The lights are out!) they, at least, seem lovingly crafted and are spaced out nicely by some pretty sharp writing. The entire cast does a great job of being the typical horror movie ensemble, with Elijah Wood as the Timid Protagonist, Rainn Wilson as the Slightly Grizzled Badass Weirdo, and Alison Pill as the Adorable Spunky Love Interest, although poor Jack McBrayer is, yet again, cast as Jack McBrayer.***

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how excellent writers Leigh Whannell (of Saw and Insidious) and Ian Brennan (of Glee) performed as Doug (the Awkward Science Guy) and Vice Principal Simms, respectively. Then there's the fantastically horrid**** opening as well as a post-mayhem, slow motion playground montage that will make you cry with laughter and then chill your tears.

The only real downside to Cooties is the ending, specifically in the sense that it doesn't really have one*****. Seriously, it just ends. But, if you can accept the non-ending and just want something not quite as funny, clever, and scary as Shaun of the Dead or Housebound, then rub your eyes all over Cooties, because it was made for you.

Cooties will be in select theaters and available on VOD Friday, September 18th.

* I'd imagine.

** Especially if you said "yes" out loud.

*** Anderson! Tarentino! Fincher! Coens! Please help this dude before it's too late!

**** Fantastically horrid mainly because of its accuracy.

***** Oh, also the kinda racist cameo by Peter Kwong as Ninja Janitor, Mr. Hatachi.

A review of "Witching and Bitching" ("Las brujas de Zugarramurdi")

Thanks to the largesse of one Philip Maniaci, I have just returned home from a screening of Álex de la Iglesia's Witching and Bitching*.

After a riveting and beautifully edited opening credit sequence, the film starts out as a slick and snappy heist romp, featuring a wonderfully choreographed and executed robbery which involves a disturbingly gratifying moment when Spongebob Squarepants gets utterly annihilated by automatic weapons fire, ** and then takes a pretty sharp left, transitioning into a genuinely freaky horror flick with a fantastic and epic third act, in which the chaos is palpable and truly unsettling. Did I forget the men vs. women metaphor that underscores the whole film? Because there’s that as well.

The casting is perfect: the Mother, Maiden, Crone trio of Carmen Maura, Carolina Bang and Terele Pávez (especially those last two), each terrifying and compelling in their own specific fashion, the cordial, well-spoken monster played by Javier Botet and the corrupted, chilling innocence of Enrique Villén’s El Inadaptado Socia. ***

Overall, Witching and Bitching feels like a funnier, smarter and more subtle From Dusk ’Til Dawn. It exudes a stylish feel as thick as blood or the fog in the forests of Zugarramurdi. If you’re a fan of the skillful combination of horror and humor (Shaun of the Dead, Drag Me to Hell, Zombieland, Army Of Darkness) then you should probably check this out. 

Witching and Bitching is coming to theaters June 13th as well as VOD and other digital outlets.

* Las brujas de Zugarramurdi in the original Spanish.

** Living in New York City and having seen such abominations cluttering up Times Square...well, you understand.

*** Literally, “the social misfit”.

A review of "Rigor Mortis"

Take elements of Stephen King’s Pet Sematary, Jacob's Ladder, the Hellblazer comics, Silent Hill and put them into a blender with a healthy dollop of pure, original Takashi Shimizu and your resulting beverage will be Rigor Mortis.

Also blood. Lots and lots of blood.

The residents we meet in the gray and eldrich apartment complex which serves as the backdrop for the film include a jolly yet nosy superintendent, a sweet old tailor and her cantankerous husband, the newest tenant, a washed up actor…and a necromancer, albino anime boy whose mother suffers from PTSD and a former vampire hunter turned cook.* You in yet?

Before things get overly dark, there’s a wonderfully refreshing edge of quirky, black humor that sets this apart from your typical American horror film where everyone is taking everything so seriously that the audience has no choice but to giggle. But, as I said, things do get pretty dark.

Every shot is arresting, an absolute portrait and there’s a moment or two of fantastic, horrific, nightmare imagery. Throw in a score and sound design that settles on the viewer like damp cobwebs and you have an atmosphere so thick you couldn’t cut it with an axe.

It’s not a perfect horror film though. They’ve trotted out the old “children’s scary drawings as plot devices” trope, one character who starts out sympathetic just ends up seeming evil, and, at times, I felt as if I were missing something, whether it was bad editing or just lost in translation, I couldn’t say, but only once or twice did I find myself actually taken out of the movie because of it. Perhaps if they had done a better job explaining the rules of this world/apartment complex.

Then again, the two lines: "Oh? So you know that vampires are afraid of glutenous rice?” and "The cigarettes I smoke are made from ashes of the unborn” probably should have tipped me off that this is a culture I will never fully understand. One thing is for sure: I have never seen a horror movie with as much martial arts in it. There’s some pretty spectacular supernatural combat in this, specifically towards the end.

If you’ve enjoyed the Ju-On films (yes, this film features creepy, stop-motion nightmare chicks, smoking and climbing on walls) and Shimizu’s other works, you’re going to enjoy this.

And now, I’d like someone to open a Kickstarter to raise money to hire Juno Mak and Shimizu to direct the next Silent Hill film. It makes too much sense, you guys.

There’s actually a part, towards the end of the film, where you can hear the air raid siren….

Anyway.

Rigor Mortis will be in select theaters and available for digital download on June 6th.

For more info, head to the Rigor Mortis official page for theaters, trailer and other stuff.

* The explanation for which is just delightful.

Some thoughts on "Days of Future Past"

Saw the new X-Men movie for Meghan's kickass birthday.

Here are some scattered notes and thoughts.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SUCH SPOILERS!!!!!

At the end of everything, this was just a super stylish way to reset EVERYTHING back to 1973.

Didn't just get rid of Last Stand, got rid of EVERYTHING, including, it seems, Wolverine: Origins, since DOFP took place AFTER that and Stryker seemed to have no idea who Logan was.

So grateful that Halle Berry had only three lines and then died. I knew, even when it happened, that it couldn't be real, but still, a sweet dream. Here is where I disclaim and say that I do not wish Halle Berry any harm, just that she would stop acting, or at least, talking.

Any of those would be fine.

Back to the movie.

I am more excited than most about the introduction (finally) of Apocalypse. 

I love that Singer had planned to introduce both Sentinels and Apocalypse on his third X-Men film...something he did about 7 years later.

It's called stick-to-it-tiveness.

More excited about him than I was about Thanos.

Here's why: in the case of both Avengers and X-Men, more so with Avengers, you have some pretty powerful dudes. The idea that nothing any of them can do will affect either Thanos or Apocalypse is thrilling. We're not going to see Storm throw lightning at Apocalypse, just like we're not going to see Cap throw his shield at Thanos.

Hopefully not more than once.

Honestly though, it would be great if we could just skip all the "I have no idea what I'm up against, so let me try this, nope, that totally didn't work" crap. Just like the obligatory, "Why are we fighting? We're on the same side!!!!" device that's been used for years to kill an issue or a comic or half of an act in a film.

I was also okay with them killing the folks from First Class. Especially Frost. January Jones was just awful.

Obviously, Quicksilver and his scene were amazing, very well done. Totally fine with the two Quicksilvers in the MCU.

It was also refreshing not to see Evan Peters as a raping ghost, accused serial killer abductee and/or reanimated corpse.

One question: when did Shadowcat become Timeprojectioncat? Have I missed something?

Anyway, that's everything that really jumped out.

Great stuff, although it was just a really fancy reboot switch.

Between this, ASM 2 and Winter Soldier, I think I still have to give it to Winter Soldier.

Hail Hydra and here's hoping that after X-Men: Apocalypse, we'll meet Cable (played by Ron Perlman) and then get a really cool X-Force movie, which will introduce Deadpool, who will, finally, get his own, R-rated, movie.

Quick write up of The Amazing Spiderman 2

Just got home from taking in the new Spiderman (Spider-Man?) movie with some friends.

Nutshell: if you liked the first, see the second.

Here are some more in-depth thoughts.

YES! THERE ARE SPOILERS!!!











Max Dillon was a bit much before he changes as was his origin, all a little too 50's sci-fi, but, as my friend Alan pointed out, of course it's going to be comic book-y...it's a comic book movie.
I think I've just been a bit dampened by the tone of Winter Soldier (which I really dug).

I really liked the scene between Electro and Spidey in Times Square. Of course it had to all go wrong, but it was interesting for a few moments when it didn't. Well done.

Did not like the random dub step soundboard that was Electro and his powers, and what the fuck was up with all that angsty whispering? Jesus. There was a better way to do that: not at all.

The introduction of Ravencroft, Smythe and Felicia was just wonderful.
So much teasing of the cock.

While some might find it cheesy, the, literal, foreshadowing with the appearance of Captain Stacey worked really well for me, especially the last time we see him.
His face...so judgemental.

The quips are perfect, and the moments of comedy were perfect.

I thought the way they handled Gwen was SO hilariously brutal, especially for folks who knew of her fate from the comics.
She's falling! He saved her.
She's falling!!! He saved her!
She's falling!!!!!!! He...almost saved her.
Totally fucking brutal.
Wow.

Love. Love. LOVE all the seeds they're planting for the next (based on that list that Harry gets from his dad) forty seven films.

Wanted a bit more Rhino, but the bits we got were just great. Paul Giamatti is doing what an actor should: enjoying himself, thus causing the audience to enjoy themselves.

Wanted a real stinger, not just a trailer for the X-Men movie, which I want to see less and less the more I see of it.
Unless they kill Halle Berry.
Then, I'll see it twice.

Fingers crossed for that Sinister Six plot Webb teased recently.

Some Oscar Movies I Saw

A friend lent me some screeners and, after agreeing to "destroy this disc by cutting it in half" once I was finished watching them"*, I watched "Captain Phillips", "12 Years A Slave" and "Philomena". I also watched "Drive". Because of Hotline Mimi.

As far as big ol' based-on-real-life let's-engineer-this-to-be-an-Oscar-movie movies go, "Captain Phillips" hit every note.
Tom Hanks? Check.
Score by Hans Zimmer? Check.
Harrowing real-life drama that turns out okay for America? Check.
Introduction of some foreign, talented unknown actor? Check.
Tom Hanks crying? Check.
I'll admit that my staggering lack of awareness of "current"** events made this movie much more suspenseful that it should have been.
What else needs to be said?

"12 Years A Slave" was fantastic and brutal and horrifying, the serious version of "Django Unchained". I wish there had been more Michael K. Williams, and I wish I'd known that Ejiofor was the super-badass, completely fucked up mercenary from the final episode of Firefly.
Damn.

Paul Giamatti is the worst person in the world and probably had a great time portraying it, Michael Fassbender is, literally, hypnotizingly evil, and Benedict Cumberbatch is absolutely amazing until he, with all sincerity and heartfelt intention says the words, "you are an extraordinary nigger", at which point the audience is reminded that a nice slave owner...yeah, still a slave owner.

My only issue with this film was Brad Pitt playing that role. It felt so...I don't know...self-indulgent? I might not have felt that way if his company, Plan B, hadn't produced it and it had just been a weird casting choice. But him as Solomon's savior was a bit too much.

Seriously though, other than that?

Wow.

One question though, just something to think about: why are there still films being made about slavery and the Holocaust and other such atrocities? Do we need films with famous actors to remind us that these things happened? Are these movies for people who don't know anything about history? I'd like to hope they aren't just being made to garner Oscars. But, Kate Winslet did make a pretty compelling argument in Extras.

Maybe films like "12 Years A Slave" are made to mitigate the existence and *gag* success of Tyler Perry's cavalcade of loose feces that is his entire filmography.

Just something to chew on.

The question, not the loose feces.

Don't chew on the loose feces.

"Philomena" was sweet, but not Oscar sweet, na' mean? It was wonderful to see The Coog *** sing his insurmountable snark for the forces of good. For the most part. And Dam Judi nch. Good lord. She played an actual leprechaun and made it believable. One thing that did kind of boggle me a bit: her totally cool and laid back reaction to her son being gay. I understand that she was a nurse for thirty years, but she was so wide0eyed and naive in so many other ways that her complete acceptance, like, not batting an eye, was a bit hard to swallow. Also, wasn't her son taken when he was something like two or three years old? Can you really nail down that your kid is gay by then? In the forties? In Ireland? In a nunnery? When you didn't even know what sex was? Again, a bit of a stretch, but, like I said, not quite up the "standards" (read "rigorous and intentiona codtructional guidelines") of an Oscar movie.
I would now like to see the sequel to "The Trip" starring Judi Dench and The Coog.
Chop chop, we've all got places to be.

And, then, after a conversation with Ray about Hotline Miami, he urged me to watch "Drive".
And I did so.
Yikes.
First things first, I don't think I've ever seen anything of Ryan Gosling except for the meme with him being the best boyfriend in the world and riding on a white horse, so his character, who bounced between three states of being namely, being good with kids and Carey Mulligan (who looks like a grown up version of Drew Barrymore from "E.T." AKA as cute as the very cute nose on her very cute face), pure, cold nothing and Kill Machine X-15 was quite a shocking introduction. I have this crazy urge to not see anything else he's ever been in and let this be the Ryan Gosling that I know.
I love love love the idea of Ron Perlman and ALbert Brooks (!) as aging, Jewish gansters who are also brothers. LOVE. Brooks did a great job of being that bad guy who you hate to hate. He was just so nice...the way he murdered Bryan Cranston so humanly...wait.
Oh, and yeah, Bryan Cranston.
Why did they pick Zombieland over him as Luthor?
Silly.
And the quickness and brutality with which they dispensed Christina Hendricks?
Holy fuck.
Aside from a few too many shots dragging on for a few took many seconds, this was a really solid film. Surprisingly so.

Planning on checking out "Gravity", "Matthew McConaughey Gets AIDS In The 80's And Learns A Lesson About Being A Homophobic Asshole" and "Batman, Hawkeye, Hunger Games, Lois Lane, Hangover, No Actual Plot, Just Stars: The Movie" soon.





* Oh, Hollywood. Do you honestly think your movies are THAT valuable or that someone couldn't just download a torrent of them in the time it would take for someone to put said screener in the mail?

** There's no way I can get away with calling 2009 current without ironic quotation marks, is there?

*** What Steve Coogan's friends call him.

It was late and I watched "R.I.P.D." and "In Time"

And I took notes.


R.I.P.D.!!!!

About two minutes into R.I.P,D. and I'm screaming "Kevin Bacon did it!!!!" into my screen, let's see if 32 years of not being surprised by movies starring Kevin Bacon have taught me anything...

Didn't know this was a fun, Men In Black romp kind of thing, I thought it was some overly dramatic crime shit like Cradle 2 Tha Grave or that other one starring DMX and Steven Seagal's ponytail.
See? Advertising doesn't work on me.

Ryan Reynolds should be America's ambassador of smarm and jackassery.
He should also be Deadpool.

Has someone already described this as "Beetlejuice" meets "Men In Back"?

Their "camo" intro was pretty amazing. Well done.

"Eternal Affairs" - Jesus.
As in: "Oh, Jesus, that's a bad pun", I'm not implying that Jesus is the head of Eternal Affairs...although I guess that would make sense, wouldn't it?

Jumping right to the Apocalypse? Wow, where do you go from there?

There must be hundreds of old, Chinese men ready to swoop in when James Hong finally dies...in 2036.

This was damn fun.
Looking forward to the sequel?
(checking IMDB)
Never mind.
(checking wiki)
Wow. Had no idea this movie was being considered for this year's Worst Picture AND Worst Actor.
I didn't really see a difference between how Reynolds acted in this and in, you know, everything else. Can someone tell me when / if Reynolds has ever been considered good in anything?

IN TIME!!!!!

They explained the entire premise in less than a minute, now we have two whole hours to check out this world.
Well done.

Going in, I've heard the world is awesome but the movie is shit.
Let's see what the horse's mouth has to say.

How could any world allow a fine piece of ass like Justin Timberlake to die that young?!
Also, the fact that he's playing 25 even though he's 32 means he's taking MUCH better care of himself than I am.

Great device to have a lot of hot young things run around and act weird.

The flipside of "eternal affairs" from R.I.P.D. are the new meanings to the old, overused adages and idioms about time, i.e. "don't waste my time, clean your clock", good stuff.

I like the look of this as well, nicely shot.

I feel like a lot of this started with puns...
Puns and weed.

PETE CAMPBELL IS IN THIS!!!!!

Pete is the PERFECT 85 year old 25 year old. Well fucking done, faceless Hollywood casting agent.

Even in the future. Even in an alternate timeline. JT makes them panties DRAWP.

The chick, Sylvia, looks a bit like an alien if you stare at her too long, like a word that stops making sense when you say it too much.

The hand fighting was a bit weird, especially because JT turned into James Bond for a moment, killing three guys in two seconds. I thought he wasn't a criminal.

Also, almost forgot to mention: Scarecrow, what?

Yeah, world and its rules were interesting but I actually didn't think the movie itself was that bad.
At least Scarecrow didn't reveal he was JT's dad.

And, again, PETE CAMPBELL!!


Thanks for being a spectator to my wispy, late night driftings.

I got to see The Wolverine tonight. And here's how it went.

Remember how X-Men: Last Stand was garbage and Wolverine: Origins was mostly garbage and ruined Deadpool and how X-Men: First Class was pretty good, but, since it was set in the 60's it sort of didn't really have anything to do with the trilogy and also how awful January Jones was?

Never mind.
I just saw The Wolverine and it was fucking awesome.

In a nutshell: Wolverine fights ninjas.

But there is more to this movie than Wolverine fighting ninjas...

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!




The intro was fantastic, opening with Logan in a prison camp at Nagasaki, minutes before the bomb dropped.
Very dramatic stuff, although Logan still has those magic pants we first saw in Last Stand, you know, the ones that can withstand the Phoenix fire?
Turns out they can also withstand A FUCKING ATOMIC BLAST.

After executing her in Last Stand, it seems that Jean Grey is still with Logan, in his mind.
This is done well and I'm glad of it, as the "haunted by the interactive memory of my dead love" trope can get pretty boring and cheese.

Logan's reintroduction to society is pretty great also: it involves a bar fight.

Then, Yukio, the super tight Japanese badass, brings him to Japan and things get...well, Japanese.

Wolvie is offered a chance to lose his healing factor and live the rest of his life like a human and, thankfully, this whole thing isn't the focus of the entire movie. Plus, he doesn't become a totally normal human, the efficacy of his healing factor is just greatly reduced. He can still take a bullet (or a thousand fucking arrows*), but he feels it.

Once Wolverine gets his mojo back, we learn that one of the villains is Viper.
Now, I do not know a lot about Viper; I always thought she was the chick with the green hair who worked under Red Skull and lead...Hydra...later? But, in this world (unless there is a different Viper) she is a hot blonde mutant chemist who is immune to all poisons and also able to spit acid, steal peoples' life force and shed her skin.
Yeah, it was weird, but not bad weird.

The big showdown is between Wolverine and the Silver Samurai, who looks fucking awesome, almost  combination between the Silver Samurai we all know and love and Shiva, and, at the end of it, Wolverine has lost his adamantium claws...and grows the bone claws.

Loved what they did with Yukio (who can now see how people die...) and Mariko, specifically how Mariko wasn't just a kidnap victim the whole time...although she did get kidnapped...twice.
They made her a competent fighter, just not that competent.

It was also nice to see a comic book movie where the stakes weren't so high, as with Iron Man 3 and Man Of Steel.

So.
I dug The Wolverine.
Very well made, satisfying movie.
But.
After the credits...
You know how, in all the recent Avengers movies they'll have a cute little teaser at the end?
Oh, look, Thor's hammer! Hey hey, Loki is controlling that dude!
This time around...

We see Logan in an airport, about to go through a metal detector.
A title appears and lets us know it is two years later.
As he is walking towards the checkpoint, he notices a commercial for a company called Trask Industries.
As he is about to walk through, he notices that things are acting weirdly; the metal detector is freaking out, coins are vibrating, keys rattling in their trays...his eyes widen, he pops his claws and swings behind him...but is stopped...by Magneto.

Magneto: There are dark forces gathering that seek to destroy our kind
Wolverine: How can I trust you?
Magneto: You can't.

At this point, you notice that time has apparently stopped moving behind the two of them.
And up rolls Charles Xavier.

Wolverine: How is this possible?
Xavier: As I told you long ago, my friend...there are others out there with gifts.

In the span of twenty seconds we get Sentinels, Magneto and Professor fucking X!

Fucking take that, shawarmas!





* Effectively becoming The Porcupine.

Sinister

Sinister.
Sinister.
Sinister.

Quick lead up: a few days ago, I was trying to remember a movie that involved demonic possession and which had a truly frightening trailer. I did a search for recent movies involving demonic possession on Doogle* and, although I found what I was looking for**, my eye was drawn to another title.
Sinister.
I saw that it starred Ethan Hawke (no problems with him) and had been rather well received , plus, any movie title based on Latin makes me sweat, so I decided to check it out.

They had me at the opening shot.

I'm not going to spoil it, in case you haven't seen it, but I am going to share with you how great I thought it was.

First things first: the music and sound design.
The overall score, by Christopher Young, is very, very solid, not your typical strings and boring bullshit that you see in every other horror movie out there, but, where things really worked were during the home movies.
So, minor spoiler, the main character finds a box of 8mm films and, of course, since this is a horror movie and no one ever has any clue as to how bad an idea it is to watch a random box of fucking 8mm films, he watches them. While the films themselves don't have any sound, the director chose to score each one with a different piece of music.
I. Have never. Ever. Been more unsettled by anything. EVER.
The films, in complete silence, would have been disturbing, but, paired with these soundscapes?
I wanted the films to end so the music would stop and I wanted the music to stop so the films would end.

Then, there were the actors and their acting.
We've all seen horror movies where, clearly, something is wrong and yet the only people unable to sense this are the people in the movie; hence those ridiculous assholes who actually feel a need to yell at the screen.
Not the case with Sinister.
They all know something is wrong, but are held there for completely believable (to some extent) reasons.
As for the actors, Ethan Hawke does an excellent job of falling apart on screen while Juliet Rylance does an excellent job trying to hold him together. The kids playing their children also do a great job at not being child actors, although the decision to cast a boy with the most womanly hair I've seen in a while puzzled me.
There's even a quirky cop who plays it just quirky enough to neither stand out nor be forgotten.

Although I didn't love the ending, this has been the only horror movie to really get under my skin since In The Mouth Of Madness back in the 90's.
People, I was scared to be alone in my darkened apartment.

And, now that I have completely built it up, feel free to check it out and be disappointed.
Although...you know...even if you find everything else cheesy as hell...I challenge you not to be utterly undone by the sights and sounds of those god damn 8mm films.

I plan on having some people over soon to watch this.
With the lights out.
And with the 5.1 cranked.
BYO adult diapers.

Oh, yeah, and, before I took in this screaming bit of psychosis, I watched the director's cut of Daredevil, a.) because I haven't seen it in a while and I do enjoy me a superhero movie and, b.) because Jim fucking Potenza said that the director's cut made the movie better.
Silly, gullible hatchling that I am...I thought he was telling the truth and that an extra fifteen or twenty minutes of "darker" footage could make this movie less of a piece of shit.
I was wrong.
And Jim was wrong.
And Jim. Was wrong.
Best part of the movie was the (almost 100% improved) banter between Affleck and Favreau.
Worst part...hm.
Toss up between the bleeding edge Nu-Metal gub and the trite ass action movie dick-swinging.
I'd love to see a woman direct a dick-swinging action movie; a woman who gets it and is a fan of the genre but who also rolls her eyes at the shitty big dong schlock with which Daredevil was dripping.
Oh, and it was pretty clear that they wanted Brad Pitt for Bullseye but couldn't get him.

And that was last night.

Very soon, I plan to watch the last episode of Batman: The Brave and The Bold and then move onto either Young Justice (first few minutes look pretty cool) or the first season of Arrow, of which I am far more pensive since I'm not up on my Green Arrow mythos and because live action superhero stuff is always a lot harder to nail...especially on TV.

BUT!
We will take this adventure together!
And together we- oh, you've left.
Okay.
Hm.

Well.





* Demonic Google

** The Devil Inside, which, apparently, is a piece of shit.

I just Saw Iron Man 3, And I Have Some Complaints

SPOILERS AHOY!!!

But first, some not complaints...what are those pesky things called...?
Anyway.

Advanced Idea Mechanics has been introduced into the world of the Marvel film universe and that is awesome.
Now, "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." doesn't have to constantly rely on third and ffourth string Marvel super villains for antagonists!
Also, the door is now wide open for M.O.D.O.K.
And other stuff, but, mainly M.O.D.O.K.

Uh...okay, now to the complaints.

First and foremost, the fact that there was no Mandarin.
Yes, yes, what a twist, and he did a great job as both "the Mandarin" and Trevor, but, seriously?
No.
You don't cast Ben Kingsley as this character and then cut his balls off.
What a fucking waste.
This like having the Joker turn out to be a hologram or a bad dream in The Dark Knight.
Still (obviously) seething about that.
And, since there is no Mandarin, does that mean that Aldrich Killian has been behind the "Ten Rings" organization since the first movie?
What up, grudge?
What up, doesn't really work when you think about it?

Secondly, Tony happening to run into a supergeniusboy in the middle of Tennessee? This isn't about there not being any intelligent people in Tennessee, this is about the random luck of the situation. And the way they were first talking to one another, I was just waiting for one of them to refer to a past friendship or something.
A bit too deus ex machina for me.
Or sloppy, if you want to call it what it is without using Latin.

Third, we have the whole Pepper/Extremis thing.
For a moment, I thought, okay, let's see where this goes, you've given her some really amazing powers and a chance to oh never mind "it was tough, but during this end-of-the-movie montage, we made her uninteresting again".
*sigh*

Then, and this is totally a fourth-on-the-list complaint: Jon Favreau...dude...lose some weight.
You're a high-powered, high-paid Hollywood director; get a personal trainer.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but, please, you knew there was going to be a third movie and you knew that you looked like a red sausage man* in a suit on camera.
Just the idea that he was able to land one punch on that crazy Extremis solider...silly.

Also, that last battle was a 50/50 split of too action-y and pretty cool and, while they didn't need to be in the movie at all, I would have dug some S.H.I.E.L.D. presence.

So...yeah, other than those...admittedly rather huge sticking points, I enjoyed myself and am curious as to where things are taken next.

One last thing I will add: the previews for IM3 were absolutely stuffing my 12-year old self with candy; the new Thor, the new Wolverine and the new Superman.
God damn it feels good to be me, here, now.





* That's a man made entirely out of red sausages.

The Master...And MORE!!! But Not Much!!!

I have been meaning to watch The Master and, between PSH in Mr. Ripley and my friend Bill telling me how awesome both he (PSH, not Bill) and Wakanda Fenix were in it, I did that very thing!
Just the other night!
And the next afternoon!!!*
The very first thing that kept coming back to me: Jamiroquai's character sounds a lot like Buffalo Bill throughout the whole movie...which both lent something and took something away from it.

Phil Sey Hoff was, as always, perfect. This guy's reel has GOT to be pretty impressive by now. I mean, I don't imagine that he still has to audition for things, but, if he does, wow, you know, I think he's gonna be all right.

Pump, pump, pump.

Plus, Amy Adams! Way to not do the typical Amy Adams thing!

You know what?
I'm done talking about it.
Really good stuff.

Picked IASIP back up (last episode I'd seen was The Nightman Cometh) and I am just staggered by a.) how awful all of these people are and b.) why I keep watching, knowing that they are just going to continue doing awful things/being awful/never succeeding at any of the awful things they attempt to accomplish.
It's like a car crash with Danny DiVito.
DeVito?
The Penguin.
That waitress is pretty cute though.
And the episode with Mary Lynn Rajskub? Holy fucking shit.
Her phlegm choice was just utterly perfect.

Unrelated to the above statement: I have officially been booked for another round of VO for the Target Everyday Collection campaign. Three more national radio spot recording next week.
What what.
Plus, I have finished the recording of my second audio book...which...I think is a surprise?
I don't know.
Either way, it's not going to be released (at first) as a typical audio book that no one will listen to, but, rather, in a different format to which no one will listen!
WOO WOO WOOOO!
BIIIIG MUUUUNNY!!!

There is also a Le Pain Quotidien that's JUST opened up near where I work.
I look forward to eating there.

Ugh.
This was boring.
Sorry.





* The movie was long and I was SLEEPY!!!!