The Radio Mercury Awards

For the past ten or so years, I've been working as a professional voice actor in New York City (90-95% VO, 5-10% on screen actor).
The majority of VO auditions I go out on are boring, banal and completely lacking the cool/important/effective sound or vibe that the writers/clients want and need so desperately. Every once in a while, a job will come along that is rewarding, challenging, and fun (Speakaboos, Target) but those are exceptions.
Some of the more overused and tired directions these scripts come with are "not-announcery", "conversational", "friendly" and so on. Although these are well known tropes, often it seems like no one is doing anything to change the status quo. How can we make people think of something more interesting? To challenge themselves to write better copy and push their limits?
Offer them money, of course.
So, then there was the Radio Mercury Awards, who give $50,000 dollars to the agency/production company who comes up with the most creative/innovative/entertaining etc. radio ad.*
Anyway, about a month or so ago, my friend and VP of Just Voices, Roger, got in touch with an audition that was pretty much right up my alley: I had to do about a dozen different voices, each one mocking the shitty copy I've been reading for a decade.
I played like a child in the ocean.
I auditioned, felt great about it, and, a day later, booked it.
I got to record in one of my favorite studios in the city (Sound Lounge) and work with some giants of the industry, who I proceeded to impress and delight with my vocals skills and then, on top of all this...I was given money for it.
Long story short: here's the first part of what we shot, enjoy.

Things We Don't Want to Hear in a Radio Ad (Part 1) from Radio Mercury Awards on Vimeo.

* And a bunch of random sums to Best New Agency, Runners Up and so on.

#NoPantsAllDreams

Based on my lack of ascerbic, rage-fueled fuckrants over the past year, I think it's safe to say that my job was what was making me such an asshole.
The job which I left almost exactly a year ago today.
While I sure do hate having nothing to blog about, I'm totally okay with the fact that I am much happier since having left said job. Sure, misery is a great motivator, but, it also sucks. That's why it's called "misery" and not "puppies".

In the past year, I've had a whole bunch of acting stuff happen*, plus, I started working with and writing for and acting in Our Bar, that monthly original sketch theater-in-a-bar thing I mentioned before but that you didn't read about.
I'll admit that I'm not doing nearly as much stuff as I thought I'd be doing and, hopefully, I'll correct my deviant, pantsless behavior soon, although I wouldn't hold my breath.
Have I mentioned how often I am pantsless these days? It is absolutely glorious and, no, I don't think it adds to or subtracts from my daily productivity. I think I'm happier without pants. And a happy Paul is a productive Paul.
Or a sleepy Paul.

There's been a music video, some short films, some web series in various states of completion, a lot of writing, some music making, a lot of concerts and seeing friends and things and stuff...
Hm.
You know what?
Pants or no**, I'm not going to ramble on about how awesome it is to do what you were made to do and receive money for it, because you're either doing it and you know what I mean, or you're not doing it and this is making you sad.
Don't be sad.
Just take off your pants.
And smile.





* You can check out my web site if you go fuck yourself none of you are going to check out my web site.

** No.

This Bar Is Our Bar

The first week of November 2013 marked my return to the "stage" at Our Bar, the monthly sketch thing of which I am now a part. Big thanks to my two real friends, Jen and Christina who managed to make it out.
For the rest of you, I totally understand how hard it is to get the Midtown Manhattan. I completely get that there probably weren't any buses, trains, cabs or you-have-fucking-legs-and-could-have-walked-there-if-needed-be.
I rully do.
Rully.
You guys.
Rully.

Anyway, I've come to terms with my disappointment and with the fact that no one does anything any more if it requires more than clicking "Like" or "Favorite" or "Smile".
Sort of.

Man. I am just a sack of bitter squenchface today, isn't I?
Next time I'll just list the media I've been interacting with and my thoughts on it.
Promise.

Than you can click "Like".

JESUS!

FOCUS!

Okay.
The original reason for this was to delve into how it feels to be stage acting and writing (one of the three sketches I wrote for the November show was chosen and performed at the show, same with the December show) again. At least, in this particular format. I'm always writing something.
Usually scathing.
Usually directed at my friends.
Sorry.
This is a totally different place. I'm now writing with people in mind. I'm writing stuff that actual people who don't know me and don't get my charmingly poisonous sense of humor or perspective on life will see. And sometimes there's collaboration.
I like to think that I haven't really given a shit about what people have thought about me since I was 16 or so, and, on the whole, it's been a very helpful tool. When you take other people out of the equation that is your life, things get a lot less complicated.
I'm not talking about disregarding the rules of society, but more along the lines of spending time hoping that people will like me and trying to get them to do so by...I don't know...doing things to impress them.
It's a waste of time and energy.
But.
With Our Bar, I'm finding that feeling resurfacing.
When I write something, I now have to think: are these people who, for the most part, I find funny and intelligent, going to like this? Just because it's funny for me is it going to be funny for them?
If they don't laugh, is it because it wasn't funny? Or because they "didn't get what I was going for"? Or because their heads are not in a funny place on that particular day?
Or because it was so funny and I'm so talented that they're all threatened by my talent and are trying to make me feel bad?
Am I paranoid or just fucking gorgeous?
Writing with a particular audience in mind is nuts.
Then, and this might be the worst part, when I do write something that I think is funny and they do laugh, the first thing my brain asks me, in that subtle, knifelike voice is: are they just trying to make you feel welcome? Are they just coddling you? What do they get out of it?
And so on.
This has been my last ten years as an actor in New York City.
Every victory is almost immediately tainted with questions like that.
And, even if everything is just 100% diamond aces, there's always that awful question that every professional actor has to ask themselves...when's my next paying gig?
How long do I consider myself a professional actor until I don't anymore?
A month?
Six months?
A year?
And, if I'm a professional actor who hasn't worked in a year, doesn't that, technically make me unemployed?
That.
That is the downside to making six months rent in one, two hour VO session.

But, back to Our Bar.
When it comes to creating content, I've always found myself best in a sound board capacity.
Someone has a seed but that's it.
I like imagining what that seed will grow into. Is it a tree? What if this? What if that?
I do create my own stuff, but I always love the bouncing back and forth of ideas, and that's something else I've gotten from Our Bar, to a point.
At the handful of writer's retreats I've been to, it's, usually, all about seeds, although sometimes, someone will have a full scene that needs a little something. The beginning doesn't work, the ending is a bit abrupt, something seems to be missing, whatever.
Sometimes I get something out of the retreat and run off to write my own thing, sometimes not.
I don't like to force creativity, as you can usually tell when it's been forced.
Then, there's the submission and the readthrough and the jury and a whole bunch of other stuff that makes me feel like a teenager, desperately yearning for that same approval I yearned for before I evolved into someone who just doesn't need that as a source of sustenance.

I'm still rambling.

Okay....on the whole, the experience has been great but nervewracking.
And that's all my fault as these are some of the most warm and wonderful and fucking whip-smart and funny people I've ever had the pleasure of working with.
My friends Becca and Jesi brought me into this place and, despite the problems with my fucking eyes and everything I might say or do to myself to try and convince me otherwise, I'm loving it here.

The next show is Wednesday the 5th of February.
Pretty sure you won't be there.

The Making of the "Grey World" Music Video

Adam Rivera, rocking out

Back in August, Adam Rivera contacted me about creating a music video for "Grey World", a track from his latest album, Rorschach Radiowaves, the lyrics to which are cobbled together from various They Might Be Giants songs and song titles. He knew I was a huge fan and had seen my "Can't Keep Johnny Down" video and wanted "an early TMBG-esque video. A kind of a tribute. Maybe borrow some the elements from their work." 

Gigantic John Heads created by Christina Bryant

I sat with that for a few days and came up with the idea of Adam as Adam, a huge TMBG fan who is making this video as sort of a loving tribute to one of his favorite bands, seeking out and going to the locations of their early music videos and then recreating moments from them. What could be a more perfect expression of artistic adulation?

Linnell goes in the cage. Linnell...always goes in the cage

 But, as with most They Might Be Giants songs, the uptempo beat and jaunty instrumentation often belies a darker reality. We've all heard "Don't Let's Start", with John Linnell happily singing "no one in the world ever gets what they want, and that is beautiful / everybody dies, frustrated and sad, and that is beautiful".  So, I decided that Adam, in the true spirit of TMBG, should also, not ever get what he wants.


The idea was to go to the locations of four early They Might Be Giants videos, specifically  "Put Your Hand Inside The Puppet Head", "Don't Let's Start", "Ana Ng" and "They'll Need A Crane", and have Adam try and recreate these ideal, perfect moments from the past, but have each one ruined or interrupted, either by something mundane like a throng of uncaring tourists or a locked gate, or by something a bit more...dramatic. Also, the moments from the past were to be saturated with bright, vibrant colors while everything in the present would appear muted and washed out. 
I wanted this to reflect the feel of the band itself and their early work, but I also wanted to address how people are always striving for that idyllic, golden past, bemoaning the fact that "their new stuff isn't as good as their old stuff" and refusing to let go of how things were and focus on how things are and how to make things better. We're never going to get those moments back because we're no longer those people.
No one in the world ever gets what they want, and that is beautiful.

(from left to right) myself, Phil, and Adam at the Williamsburg Waterfront 

So, as I am just about as technically proficient as a dead cat missing a leg, I turned to Phil Maniaci, friend, collaborator, co-creator of the web series, Unker & Physia, and founder of Tofu Bandit Media, in order to make this dream a reality, and, as has always been the case when working with Phil, it turned out beautifully.
The three of us got together and shot for two days in October, the first in Central Park at the Bethesda Fountain and then at the site of the 1964 World's Fair in Flushing, New York, and, the second day, at the Williamsburg Waterfront.

"Death & The Johns"

I am very proud and happy with what we've all created and I hope you enjoy the fruits of our labors.

"Grey World" written and performed by Adam Rivera

Directed by Paul Guyet & Phil Maniaci

Prop Construction by Christina Bryant

Illustrations by Ethan Harper
Kraken Master - Bryan Rusch

Playing Catch Up

First and foremost, just last week, the right Reverend Philip Tucker came to town for some job thing and I ended up tagging along to help him inform college students at Adelphi about studying abroad in Spanish speaking countries.
After watching him do it a few times, I was a natural and only mentioned starting a Machete Fight Club twice.
It helped that Philip knew virtually nothing about what he was talking about either. We were, hands down, the most attractive men in the room.
Did NOT manage to get any hot, college pussow though.
Maybe next time.
During his time here, I finally sat that swarthy fuck down and interviewed him for my podcast (quite a romp) and showed him the glory that is Telltale's Walking Dead game while eating 25 samosas.
Chris and I will be heading to Massachusetts in a week or so to hang out on HIS turf with his lovely wife and demonic fox dog, Simon.
And, perhaps, to play another game of Werewolf: The Apocalypse...

As I near the end of my first month of being a full time actor, things are still going pretty strong, booking VO stuff continuously and scoring my second on screen gig in a month thanks to my casting director friend, Tom, the same guy who cast me as Newton, the Death Metal Golfer for an MTV/Rock Band 2 spot several years ago. This time around, I played a "really tall guy".
You will not believe the nuance I bring.
I am happy to report that I am STILL not a jaded dick actor when it comes to being on set, as I still massively appreciate the free food and whatnot, although I am sad to report that not even MTV's best hair and make up people were able to improve upon the shimmering, shattering perfection that is me.

Some other acting victories include sitting in a posh studio, eating some of the best food I've ever had while listening to They Might be Giants' Nanobots on said studio's 7.1 because the client was taking a stupidly long time to give final approval on a spot we had just tweaked.
But I did not complain.
No.
Then there was the CSX session just this morning which was supposed to take three and a half hours, but which I wrapped up in bout twenty five minutes.
Because I am very, very good.

Along with the jobs people are paying me for are a few that I'm doing on my own, including a web series I'm developing with some friends and a music video I'll be directing for Adam Rivera.
More on those soon.

NOW, enough personal bullshit.
Let's talk media consumption.

I was worried that not having a set time to be at work every day would result in some kind of media freak out: shutting down and watching movies and TV while chewing through that stack of game I'd been amassing for the past several months. I am happy to say that has not happened exactly.
Sort of.

Thanks, once again, to Graham Skipper, I took in Guillermo del Toro's first film, a quirky horror movie called Cronos. It's features one of the most interesting vampire rule sets I've ever seen, sort of combining the vampire with the zombie. Ron Perlman is in it and has begun to look more like Hellboy than Ron Perlman to me.
I love Tito.
And, if you ever see this movie, you will too.

In the same vein* as the above, Chris and I checked out The Skin I Live In, which Chris said had blown her mind to the point where, when she saw it in the theater, she actually turned to the person she was with and said, out loud, "What the fuck?!"
I was less astonished.
At its heart, this is a revenge flick. Perhaps a revenge flick that goes further and gets darker than any revenge flick I've ever seen, but a revenge flick nonetheless.
Also (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD), was anyone NOT surprised when Vera killed Robert the first chance she got?
Come on.

As Chris and I have decided to finally have a Twin Peaks themed Halloween party, we have been carving our way through the series. We just found out who killed Laura Palmer and now have only the 15 or so shitty, meandering episodes to look forward to.
It's not all bad though, we get to see David Duchovny in one of my favorite roles of his, as well as....uh....
Once the viewer discovers the secret of Laura's demise, they can watch Fire Walk With Me, a Lynch film that came out a year or so after the series that details the days leading up to Laura's death.
It also stars David Bowie and might or might not have him turn into a talking monkey.
I...am not kidding...
"I don't wanna talk...about Judy..."
While this seems to "explain" more about the Black Lodge**, it also seems to muddy the waters even more.
God damn it,
I love the concept of the Black Lodge, but everything is just so unclear...argh.
It's annoying to not have things spelled out for oneself from time to time, especially when I want them spelled out.
I also forgot that Kiefer Sutherland is in FWWM.
Good times.

Before launching into Twin Peaks, however, I'd had a hankering to rewatch Lost Highway and did so. That is still a great Lynch film, my favorite, in fact.
I used to think I had a handle on what was going on, and I did...until the last fifteen minutes or so.
See, I had thought that, if you just accept some basic truths about Pullman and Getty's characters and the nature of time that everything makes total sense.
I was wrong.
You win this one as well, David...
Henry Rollins nails it once again.

Did I mention that I finished Alphas?
Yeah.
You know, I knew, going in, that the series ended on a cliffhanger, but, come on guys, shit.

On September 12th, I watched all of Derek, the new Ricky Gervais show.
While I'm happy he's not rehashing The Office or Extras or Life's Too Short, I feel like the show was a bit too intentional. Yes, it was emotional and heartfelt and all that, but it felt too well planned.
Here's where the viewer will get weepy and here's where we make the tears fall. Now, a joke fro the gross, comic relief guy, now BANG more tears!
Can an argument be made that all shows go for the same effect? Sure, but, knowing Gervais' history and how smart he is, I felt his hand too heavily on Derek.
Major props to Karl Pilkington for utterly nailing this though. I'm glad Gervais stopped torturing the poor guy, although, I can't help feel that Gervais turned to him at one point and said something like, "You are my Derek."

AND SPEAKING OF NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES, Chris and I took in Hemlock Grove.
If Twilight is vampires and werewolves for idiot tweens and True Blood is vampires and werewolves for horny twenty somethings, Hemlock Grove is vampires and werewolves for faggy, art house junkies.
Who like funny accents.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes, although I feel that, while trying to walk that thin line between giving too much away and not explaining enough by the end of their first season that they sort of ended up on the latter side.
Whoooole lot of questions up in this bee hatch.
And a lot of dead folks.

BREAKING BAD.
I'd seen the whole show up to that hellish break in the final season and held off watching anything until yesterday, during which I watched the first five or so episodes of the final, final season.
God...the evolution...
One thing...even though they're doing some really great stuff, I'm hoping the cat and mouse game between those two people who are having a cat and mouse game ends soon.
The last episode I saw ended with an all out firefight between some folks*** and if everyone walks away from that unscathed I'll...well, I'll probably not care and scream until I've seen the whole show.
Man did shit gets fucked up or what...
What is television going to do after this show ends?

And, finally, I just finished watched the first episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Pretty happy with it so far. A solid start.
My only problem is with Chloe Bennet, who plays Elisha Dushku-spore, "Skye".
In fact, I actually thought she was Dushku until, oh, four days ago?
It's my opinion that Dushku ruined Dollhouse (along with the fucks at Fox), and that Bennet is going to ruin this.
But.
Apparently, a lot of people are loving her, so, knowing Whedon, she's either going to die or be made legitimately cool.
As for Coulson and what he really is, I heard something somewhere that he would make a great Vision in the next Avengers movie and I think that is more than feasible.
What I want from this show is to further expand the universe of the films and this is a perfect opportunity to introduce and explain things without having to take up all that valuable big screen time doing so.
And also some Ultron teases.
So far, they're on track; bringing Extremis back, but revealing that someone has taken it and altered it. Nice.
As long as they stick with basing stuff on the comics/film universe and not going too crazy with totally original content that no one really cares about, I'm happy.
I would also like to see some of the characters from the movies, although, yes, money, I know.
But, is it too naive of me to hope that their commitment to their characters and their love and respect and gratitude to the fans who spent over a billion dollars on their movies deserve oh of course not.
The money.
Well, even without the biggies, I suppose there's more than enough to keep us geeks happy...although a S.H.I.E.L.D. show without Hawkeye, Black Widow and Fury is kind of dumb.

Anyway.

Yes.

Be sure to subscribe to my podcast**** and visit my web site***** and come to me with anything creative stuff you're interested in.
I'm still turgid with creativity and up for most anything.





* HA HA HA HA.

** As much as any David Lynch movie "explains" anything about anything

*** Some folks with astonishingly bad aim...like Empire clones without eyes bad.

**** See *

***** See ****

Things With Which I Am Currently Involved

Not bragging, I'm honestly losing track.

digressive_obscenity
The second wave of my podcast (which has been nominated for a Geekie Award) begins this Friday when episode eleven goes live. This time around, I'm not going with my original plan of "wait until ten episodes are recorded and edited" before releasing them, as there was a lot of down time between the recording of the first episode (early October) and its posting (late January). This time around, I'm going to interview, edit and release the episodes as soon as I'm able.
At this moment, three episodes have been recorded, three more are scheduled and then there are some wild cards which might or might not come to fruition.
You can head over to the tumblr site, or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes.
You can also follow digressive_obscenity on Twitter at @digress_obscene .

The Electromagnetic Theater
This is another podcast I'm doing, although it's more fitting to call it a radio play, I suppose. There are six episodes, each a different, fully dramatized short story/play and all but two feature me, sometimes as a main character, sometimes as a supporting character, always as the goddamned sexiest voice you've ever heard.
Always.
The website is here, where you can like and follow and snuggle and etc.
And, if you don't give a fuck about the website and just want the money Lebowski, you can skip the bullshit and go straight to iTunes.
There are a lot of talented people* involved in this and I hope you take a minute and check it out.

Just Super
Thanks to the wonderful that is Becca Kopec, I'll be starring alongside her, Jesi Mullins and Karen Bray in an original web series written by Mary Beth Walsh and Alan Kistler called Just Super. In a few weeks, we're going to shoot a trailer with One Glass Productions and then, soon after, a pilot. Then, it's your problem: we are going to be posting what we've got on Indie Go Go or Kickstarter in order to make this thing a reality.
It's going to be hot, sweaty, amazing stuff.
At the moment, you can follow us for updates on Twitter at @JustSuperSeries.

Target's "The Everyday Collection" radio spots
A while back, I did three radio spots for Mono's award-winning ad campaign and, lo and behold, they had me back in to do three more.
Just today, I booked two more spots for Canadian radio; recording next week and hitting the aiewaves sometime in August.

Zantac's new TV and radio campaign
Starting in August, I will be the voice of the new Zantac campaign. Not sure how much I can share at the moment, but I'll post stuff as soon as it's available.

Too Tall
Back in May, Philip Maniaci invited Ray Zablocki, Chris and myself to participate in the 24 Hour Film Race. After a crazy night of brainstorming and writing and not nearly enough sleep, we returned to the set and created something...epic. It's called Too Tall and he been selected as one of the top 24 films in the film race. It will not win because, frankly, the world is not ready to see what we have wrought.
You can have your mind blown here.
I also wrote the song (entitled "Egg Party") for the 80's party section.

Speakaboos
The iPhone and iPad apps are about to launch and I am all over this thing. I can't wait to share all the fun I've had doing these; this is the reason I got into the business in the first place: to do funny voices while people hand me money.
Just today, a new story that I narrated was posted, it is tender and sweet and all about sleep...just like me.
Check out "Night Boy".

NYSE
A whole bunch of commercials for the New York Stock Exchange just hit the more grown-up TV channels like CNN and Bloomberg and other things my father might actually see. And I voice them all. There might be more to come and, while they aren't the most fun...shut the fuck up and eat the corn.

McGladrey & CSX
I auditioned for both of these on the same day and in the same place. The original breakdown stated that "these scripts are tongue-twisters" and that "actors that can't handle that shouldn't waste their time". I was thrilled at the idea of actually doing tongue-twisters and was more than a little disappointed when I found out that the "tongue-twisters" were just grown-up words that I'd never said before. Financial stuff, intermodal railroad stuff. Yag. These kinds of VOs are pretty much just for the money. I'm not saying the people involved aren't all cool, because they are, I'm just saying that these aren't the fun ones I love.

AIA
Just recorded this this morning. Look, this isn't going to make sense to anyone who isn't a voice actor and I know my job isn't difficult in the traditional sense of the word; but this was a fucking tough one. The script was about 8 lines, none more than four words each and the clients, all six of them calling in at 11 am our time, 11 pm their time from Hong Kong, had me do the script fifty-five times.
In the end? They went with take ten. Look, we all have good days and bad days, and this was just exhausting.

Two more things
The first, I'm sad to say, probably is not happening and that is SUCH a huge bummer that you have no idea, but, the second one should be coming to light very soon; don't worry, I won't let you miss it.

Whew.
Okay, think that's it.
Now, here's some inner psyche shit: Chris thinks that I am doing well and that I should revel in that fact, but I know that one is only as good as their last job and I know how fast things can just stop.
So, while she is telling me to focus on the positives, I'm focusing on the dark patches between the sunshine.
I guess that's just me.
I don't like it, but, yeah, I guess that's just me.
Does that make me a pragmatist or a pessimist?





* Aside from just me, you guys!!!

Today's News

Earlier today, I had an audition that, based on the script, was for a company that manufactures and sells meaningful hugs.
The text was simple, short and just the way to start the week.
I then boogied over to Nutmeg here I recorded some really niche shit for folks who know about shipping things via trains. The company is called CSX and I said the words "intermodal rail transportation" more times than I would like to remember.
I'm talkin' to MAGNATES, PEOPLE!!!

So, that happened.

Then there is the new podcast I'm involved with, The Electromagnetic Theater. It launches on July 1st and will release one episode per week for...five weeks? Of the five episodes, I believe I'm in all of them in some capacity or other.
Think...radio plays...

As for MY podcast, digressive_obscenity, two episodes of the second wave have been recorded, one of which has been edited and, at the moment, four more are scheduled, with one or two more still in the works. Very exciting stuff...maybe.

Then, there is media!!!!!

I have since finished Remember Me and, while the game was way too short, in my opinion, I did enjoy myself. I'd like to see what they'll do with a sequel set in the same world, this time with a lot more remixing of memories, perhaps with a bit more subtlety.

Alongside that, Chris and I are now four episode out from the end of the new season of Arrested Development. While things have gotten much, much better (thank you Maria Bamford, Ben Stiller and Tommy Tune(!)), there is now almost too much going on, although I'm sure they'll find some strange way to wrap things up. Seeing as everybody seems to want a fifth season, I'm hoping that'll happen...within this decade. Honestly, I think it was just the shock of watching season three and going right into season four, when all these people are suddenly ten years older. It's like that scene from Flight of the Navigator when the kid meets his family and they are all hella old.
By which I mean to say, creepy.
Very creepy.
The things freaking me out the most are how thick David Cross' neck has gotten and how less hot Portia De Rossi is.
Also, the best episodes are those that focus on Gob.
This is not an opinion, this is truth.

Other than that, there are mung beans.

Spongebob Drinks Bud Light While Transporting Goods Via Rail For Business

Mulch.
My body feels wrapped in mulch.
Wet, dirty, hot mulch.
But I smell fine.

Morning started with me waking up BEFORE I WANTED TO FUCK YOU GOD FOR THIS.
Then a shower (the result of which was undone and soaked in sweat mere minutes later), then out to my busy day.

First, a trip to Nutmeg to audition for some powder dry industrial for some company that...hm...you know? I have no fucking clue. The text was all about "we have a code and it helps us help our clients. With the future and business and plans and future business and our clients" it didn't actually say what, exactly, the fuck, it is that they do.
It would be awesome if this place (McBladders? MacLadders?) was just a shell company for Hustler or something.
Hustler shows you the insides.
After I read that thing with all the warm, supportive hugs my voice could muster, I tackled the script for the CXS Rail Transportation Navigator.
And it does exactly what it says it does.
Remember some months ago when I stupidly agreed to read about four hours worth of Dell Cloud shit for investors? The thing where I had to say words that I knew were words, but that's I'd never spoken before?
This was not nearly as bad as that, so I was easily able to make it sound like I knew what the fuck I was talking about.
It's called voice acting, folks...and I'm good at what I do.

After that, I headed over to Just Voices where I had a wonderful chat with Roger about the wedding and how nothing (to my neverending shock and delight) got fucked up and then I read a bunch of lines in my 75-80% Spongebob Squarepants voice.
I feel pretty comfortable about it, but, who knows?
CERTAINLY NOT I!

Next, my last minute session for Bud Light...for which I was already 12 minutes late (something runs two minutes late, then you miss a train, then something else runs five minutes late etc.).
This took place at a studio on Varick called White House and I don't think I've been to a swankier set up...well...the offices were swanky, the booth, not as much.
But, god DAMN this industry is doing just fine.
I drank two wine bottles full of water (I tend to perspire), jumped in the booth and did this intense read, then a less intense read, then a different kind of intense read, then some wild lines, then another read with more wonder, less anger and then, they decided to just go with my very first read, no edits, no nothing.
"One Take Jake" they called me, but I corrected them and told them my name was Paul, so it would be "One Take Paul".
And we laughed.

Then, without nothing but my iPod and the sodden clothes on my back, I set out for work where I sit now as the horrible beast slowly chews its way through my door, drawing sluggishly yet inexorably closer to mine form, just inches away now! If only I could flee, but nay, I just record these events in case of
You get it.
Lovecraft was silly.
Yeah.

Aside from all this, I have been informed by the Powers That Be Philip Maniaci, that "Too Tall" (the recent 24 Hour Film Race entry on which I worked) will be available for public consumption around June 6th.

And I will probably be able to scratch up a link.
But it'll be a secret...just for you...
shhhhhhhh...

Script writers! A moment of your time!

I'd like to take a moment to talk about writing and the evolution of an idea.

During the recent 24 Hour Film Race for which I wrote, the original idea for our script centered around this:

But. after a few hours of tinkering and too many chefs in the kitchen, it became this:



The moral?

Be true to yourself and your artistic vision, otherwise you will never get to see a penguin fuck a butterfly princess on camera.

Don't dream it.

Be it.

Time Travel Mother Fucker

Over the weekend, while my two close friends, Lisa and Alan, were getting hit with cars, I took part in a 24 Hour Film Race with Philip "The Maniac" Maniaci, Ray "The Maniac" Zablocki, my lovely wife, Christina "The Maniac I Married" Bryant, many others and a dude named Nestor L. Marmol.
The guidelines were announced at 10 pm on Friday the 17th (theme: time travel, prop: an egg, action: crumpling a piece of paper) while Ray and I were in a car on our way to the location (Castle Braid in Bushwick, Brooklyn), and, after meeting most everyone who we'd be working with, Phil, Ray, Cecilia and I came up with, to be totally modest, some really fucked up shit.
At 3:30 am or so, the script was locked and we returned to our respective places for sleep, in my case, two and a half hours thereof.
I met Ray in front of his place the next morning at 7 or so and we headed back over to Castle Braid.
Shooting began around 10 am with me and my lovely co-star, Cayla Buettner, together in bed.
It was totally not scandalous!!!

Then, things progressed through the day, bleary and blurry, until we wrapped at just after 8 pm.
Then, those poor bastards had to edit this pile of gooey brilliance into something a normal human could comprehend.
As there was, at one point in the film, a dance party, I whipped up some music and, after I arrived home, threw in some ridiculous lyrics and sent the whole thing over to Phil, who dropped it, as if it were hot...
Late on Sunday night, we all got the link and...well, you'll see the results soon.

Needless to say that I am very proud of what everyone was able to put together for this and I'm just floored by the resulting film.

It's called Too Tall and has several lines of dialogue addressing the size of my penis.

And I cannot wait to show it to you.

Stay tuned.

Here's A Little Movie 'Bout Dongs...And Hearts

I'm trying very hard to remember just why I wanted to check out Magic Mike...
But I cannot.
So let's just get this thing going: I watched Magic Mike last night. Originally, I was planning to watch it on my own (in case there were any embarrassing and confusing boners), but Chris ended up watching it with me.
See, she didn't get the appeal of male strippers (neither did I), but, by the end of this two hour movie...she kind of did.
I still do not.

A few things regarding Magic Mike: Tampa was the best setting for this; it was always washed out and seedy and desperate...just like Tampa.

When Mike casually mentions that, over the past six years he has only socked away $13,000, the movie lost a lot for me.
Let's break this down: Mike HAS to be making AT least $400 a night at the strip club (and that is a conservative estimate), the cost of living in Florida is dirt fucking cheap, he's running three other businesses and yet he only manages to put away a little over two thousand a year? Break that down even further and that's about $183 a month, about $42 a week and about $6 a day! That's, like, two less beers when you go out at night!
Then, there's the fact that all Mike wants it to stop stripping and make his silly furniture...even though you only see three pieces in the entire film and you NEVER see him building ANYTHING!

Wait.

Ami I missing the point of this movie?
It's that male strippers have it a LOT easier than female strippers, right?
Yes?
Okay, good.

Anyway, I've never seen him in anything else, but Tates is just the charmingest stripper I have ever seen.

Along with Magic Dong, I also finished the sixth and seventh season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, the last two episodes of which reveal A LOT.
The Waitress' name*, Mac's name and that Dennis, after all the hinting and dancing around it, really DOES appear to be about two bad sexual encounters away from being an actual serial killer.
Other highlights from these seasons include the entirety of "Chardee MacDennis" (they need to do one of these per season), Charlie's simple question to Santa Claus, the manifestations of some of the...things from Charlie's "Dram Bok", the Jersey Shore episode (mainly beause they shot most of it in Ocean City, NJ, the site of BEECHOUZATRONICON XMAX ), plus the addition of both Mary Lynn Rajskub as Gail the Snail (SUCH A FUN PERFORMANCE) and Jason Sudeikis as Smitty.

Looking forward to seeing where they go with the serial killer thing...

Along with all this television and film that I've been watching like a PRO, I'm happy to announce that The Electromagnetic Theater will be launching soon and available on iTunes in a month or so.
This is the podcast/radio show thing I worked on a few months ago in which I play a whole bunch of different characters.
You can head over to http://electromagnetictheater.com/ for more info, although the site isn't up yet.
Don't worry, I'll let you know.
DON'T WORRY.
DON'T.

Shhhhh....





* It's inferred and I wouldn't be surprised if turns out to be a red herring.

The Master...And MORE!!! But Not Much!!!

I have been meaning to watch The Master and, between PSH in Mr. Ripley and my friend Bill telling me how awesome both he (PSH, not Bill) and Wakanda Fenix were in it, I did that very thing!
Just the other night!
And the next afternoon!!!*
The very first thing that kept coming back to me: Jamiroquai's character sounds a lot like Buffalo Bill throughout the whole movie...which both lent something and took something away from it.

Phil Sey Hoff was, as always, perfect. This guy's reel has GOT to be pretty impressive by now. I mean, I don't imagine that he still has to audition for things, but, if he does, wow, you know, I think he's gonna be all right.

Pump, pump, pump.

Plus, Amy Adams! Way to not do the typical Amy Adams thing!

You know what?
I'm done talking about it.
Really good stuff.

Picked IASIP back up (last episode I'd seen was The Nightman Cometh) and I am just staggered by a.) how awful all of these people are and b.) why I keep watching, knowing that they are just going to continue doing awful things/being awful/never succeeding at any of the awful things they attempt to accomplish.
It's like a car crash with Danny DiVito.
DeVito?
The Penguin.
That waitress is pretty cute though.
And the episode with Mary Lynn Rajskub? Holy fucking shit.
Her phlegm choice was just utterly perfect.

Unrelated to the above statement: I have officially been booked for another round of VO for the Target Everyday Collection campaign. Three more national radio spot recording next week.
What what.
Plus, I have finished the recording of my second audio book...which...I think is a surprise?
I don't know.
Either way, it's not going to be released (at first) as a typical audio book that no one will listen to, but, rather, in a different format to which no one will listen!
WOO WOO WOOOO!
BIIIIG MUUUUNNY!!!

There is also a Le Pain Quotidien that's JUST opened up near where I work.
I look forward to eating there.

Ugh.
This was boring.
Sorry.





* The movie was long and I was SLEEPY!!!!

Media Salve

This weekend...aside from almost wrapping up my second audio book...I just soaked myself in media...

Chris and I finished the third season of Walking Dead...Spoilers!!!...the fact that they are stretching out the Governor plot line gives me a sinking feeling that they've kind of run dry for season four...despite the, literally, hundreds of issues of the graphic novel that are out.
I'm very happy that Andrea has finally shuffled off this mortal coil as she was just retarded this season.
"Muuuuh, mebbe I can haz help the Gubberber be nice and gud agen!!!! Fistanks full up HEDZ?! Naw...no warning signs there..."
Idiot.
Glen and Maggie getting married?
Meh.
Zombie fodder you have an emotional attachment to is still zombie fodder.
Carl losing every shred of his soul?
Now THAT is good* TV! And, when he called out his father for being a pussy and not doing what was best for the group?
Nice.
Seriously though, they could have killed the Governor, like, six times before THEY LOST HIM.
Ugh.

Never mind.
We also took in the remake of Total Recall.
Pretty solid.
Really cool design and future stuff. Didn't hate Jessica Biel. Lens flares used abundantly yet appropriately, J.J. I'm looking at you...
I liked the nods here and there to the first movie and was totally okay with the fact that Mars had NOTHING to do with anything.
Also, Bryan Cranston: elect him President than have him punch some guys.
On the whole, I liken this to the remake of Judge Dredd which I squirted over recently.
Mindless, yet well done action, cool future design etc.
If any of you saw TR and dug it, you'll probably dig Dredd.

Finished the fourth season of Archer in, what, two days?
More.
More, more, more.
And Jon Hamm was amazing.

Also watched the Comedians of Comedy Live thing on Netflix. Actually cried with laughter during Eugene Mirman's set.
I need to see him so I can feel emotions again.

Rewatched The Talented Mr. Ripley since the first time I saw it in theaters with Jeannie in Miami.
Very solid. Although Jesi Mullins and I discussed later on how neither of us get Paltrow as the most beautiful anything in the world. She's just too plain. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but, come on, the world is pretty freaking big.
Don't know if I've straight up come out and said this but: I enjoy Matt Damon.
I'm going on record.
I enjoy Matt Damon.
I also think Jude Law did a great job as a vain, overprivileged asshole.
And he has a great ass.
Unless that was a body double, in while case, shame on you, Jude.
Shame.
Tease.
Oh, and, Philip Seymour Hoffman!
I love to hate you!!!

Then, I finally got around to watching the RZA's movie, The Man With The Iron Fists.
Wow.
Wow wow wow.
This film is made of two things: kung fu and ridiculous.
He finally got to make his kung fu movie and holy fucking god shit does it deliver.
It is EXACTLY what you would expect from RZA, Tarentino and Eli Roth.
Seriously.
Think of what a kung fu movie made by these three would consist of and you have thought of this movie.
Oh, but first, add Russell Crowe as an oversexed, opium addicted government agent/assassin.
There you go.
Now you have thought of the movie.
Something interesting that I picked up on...there is hilariously graphic violence in this, violence to rival and overcome that which was seen in the Kill Bill films, but, although there is a whorehouse (run by a fucking bad ass Lucy Liu who comes equipped with a fucking blade fan), there is no nudity whatsoever.
There is a comment here...somewhere...I don't know where and I don't quite know what...but there is a comment there...
Maybe something about how violence is more commonplace and accepted than boobs.
Which is dumb.
I'd rather watch boobs than violence any day...then again, if Chris came home and saw me playing a video game that consisted of boobs rather than horrendous violence...actually, I have no idea how that would go down...
Let's move on.
Check out The Man Etc Fists.
It's just stupid great.
...and they're hoping to do a sequel!!!!!

Going back to horrendous violence for a moment, since I returned from the honeymoon, I have been digging into my pile of purchased yet unplayed video games.
I have finished Metal Gear Rising on both easy and normal and when I tried to play it on heard, I realized, once again, that I am not good at video games.
I think I might be finished with that game.
My time with it was short and mostly enjoyable, although it felt way too short to be a real Metal Gear game. I enjoyed the characters and story and all that, but, yeah, there needed to have been more Kojima-ness.
I might run through it once more, just to see if I missed anything (codec conversation whore...right here) and, although the first piece of DLC was panned, I might check that out as well.
I'm not really ready for the game to be over, I suppose...especially since the next real Metal Gear game isn't coming out for years.
One thing I will say: when you take out a fucking Metal Gear Ray with nothing but a SWORD and your massive balls in the fucking TUTORIAL?
Nice.

Aside from MGR, I jumped into Bioshock Infinite a few weeks ago and, while it is still just a god damn FPS, the story is SO intriguing...parallel universes have been introduced and I have been to three (that I know of) at this point. Have not finished it yet but I am wildly excited to do so.

By that time, Remember Me should be out and then The Last Of Us is right around the corner...even though I have a solid stack to make my way through along with those...sheesh.

BUT I have not just been soaking my balls in media since I got home!
I am one recording and editing session away from completing my second audio book, which will be released as a 13-part podcast before normal distribution as a complete work on the retail sites (Amazon, Audible, iTunes). Very, very excited for you to hear this.
It's hot.
Like...sexy hot.
So, if you've ever wanted to hear me read a sex scene...yeah...his one is for you...and decidedly not for members of my family.
So, do me a big up and don't mention this one to them.
Much thanks.

Also on this front, in eleven days, I shall pick up my brand new iMac from the Apple Store, at which point I shall install the new ProTools and begin the second wave of digressive_obscenity.
Why, you ask? Is it, perhaps, because of the thunderous response I received from my first wave of episodes?
Not at all! As far as I can tell, maybe 15 people have listened to said episodes! I'm doing this because I have a lot of fun and, as it turns out, its pretty easy to get in touch with the publicists for the bands/artists that you really like.
So, hopefully, the second wave should have a bit more...mass appeal, but, if it doesn't?
Fuck it.
I still have cool and interesting friend with whom I want to talk about things...and stuff...and boobs...

Aside from all this media-ball-soakage and DIY fame and fortune hunting, I'm also about to show up on a different podcast AS TOTALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! It's called Electromagnetic Theater and it should be up soon...I'll keep you posted.
Then there's the Speakaboos iTunes app, which should (hope hope hope) be launching at the end of May if everything goes well. I am ALL OVER Speakaboos.
Then, more Target radio spots starring me and my sexy voice mouth, plus a huge thing that might or might not happen!!!
HUGE!!!
MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT!!!!
And, as mentioned at some point before, we are finally commencing with shooting the pilot for Becca Kopec's web series, Just Super, in which I will wear a trenchcoat and might (OR MIGHT NOT!!!) be a pervert.

Whew.

Such busy!!!!!!
Such busy is me!!!!!!!
WOO WOO!!!!!!





* Read "horrifying and sad"

OMFG!!! MARRIAGE UPDATE!!!!

As of right now, I'm eight days out from my wedding.
But this isn't about that.
This is about my week in voice acting.
Sucker.

Monday was stupid, angry early.
A booking for Carrabba's from 9 am until the client's final approval but with a hard out at 2 pm*.
Oh. Sorry. 8 am.
This is the kind of voice over I'm not a big fan of: it was a remote, which means I'm in a booth in New York with an engineer (J.D., who was totally awesome) while the producers, directors, audio folks etc. are in another location and only talk to me through a set of headphones. What this means for me is a lot of standing in silence while they talk things over.
Then, once we have a good version of the scripts (a :30 and :15 version), they have to send it off to the client, the people representing Carrabba's.
This is the awful part.
To "send something off" means to, literally, attach a rough version of the VO to an e-mail and send it. In this case, that meant to Florida. After an inordinate amount of time, they get back to the folks in the studio and tell them that they like what they're hearing or that they want something different.
Sadly, the client wanted something different.
Which means back into the booth and start from scratch.
When this new delivery is finished, again, it gets sent to the clients.
Long wait.
Final decision.
The people were all great, but the copy was so bland. This isn't an interesting commercial that people are going to want to hear again, this is something that will make them change the channel and I don't like the boilerplate read that I did.
But, it's the client's money and their choice so, whatever.
Thankfully, they liked what I did the second time around and I go out around one.
Four hours, during which time I was actually recording for, maybe, ten minutes, forty five seconds of which will actually be used.
Behold: the Industry.
After that session, I headed over to an audition that was supposed to have taken place an hour earlier, but, because the session ran long, I missed my slot. I called to see if I could still make it and they said yes. It was at Sound Lounge and with Andy and I'm more than cool with both of them.
It was a lucky thing I made the audition, because I ended up booking the gig...Bud Light.

Another "9 am" session...another open ended "9 am" session.
Such...suffering...
But, it was at Sound Lounge and these guys are always cool. The room was comparatively packed; two people from accounts, two from creative, a producer and the audio engineer. Throw in a keg and...no.
This was a lot more fun than Carrabba's, it always is when the room is full of people.
At one point, Prince was brought up** and it turned out that most everyone there had excellent Prince stories.
The script was more fun than any beer commercial that I've ever heard and, although the client seemed to want something more boilerplate, the creative folks wanted more of a Denis Leary read...which was perfect for me at fake-9 am. At one point, I got to improv some stuff which is always a blast, but, whether or not they use it, I suppose we'll see.
In the end, I had to leave at 2 pm, but we had gotten everything done that we needed.
Sadly, it looks as if the Leary read will not be the one they go with.
Again: the Industry.

The next morning was yet another session at Bang for Speakaboos, which has become my favorite voice over gig ever thanks to Amy Kraft, the executive content producer. We bond over such wonderful geeky stuff...
Thursday's session, while only from 10 am to 12 pm, was full of the most fun and challenging voice work I do these days.
First on the docket, I met the creator of Scrapkins, Brian Yanish, who was working with Speakaboos to get one of his stories animated. My character? Digger.

He'd never been voiced before and I had the honor of doing so. Brian had an idea of what he should sound like and, after I made a bunch of weird noises, we had our Digger.
Did I mention that Digger speaks his own language?
He does.
Example: I had to say "Zoogarrrr!" in several different ways.
After this, which was...just the most silly fun ever...I was handed a more kid-friendly version of Shelly's "Frankenstein"***, for which I did all the voices, the narrator, Dr. Frankenstein and the Monster.
Have I mentioned that I enjoy working with these guys?
Then, with just a bit of time left, I was handed "Night Boy", written by Anne Carter and illustrated, beautifully, by Ninon Pelletier, for which I read the narrator and Night (brother of his sister, Day).
Although we only got halfway through, I'm going back in on Tuesday for three hours to finish that up and do some more, undoubtedly, fun, challenging, creative and wonderful stuff.

Before I do though, there is the matter of Monday...on which I will be recording some internal VO for mono, the ad agency behind the kick ass Target "Everyday Collection" campaign. Turns out that this campaign really took the ad world by storm and now it's been nominated for a bunch of awards. I'm going to be voicing the award submission video and the video that kind of breaks down and explains the campaign to folks.
These guys have also been totally awesome and I'd love to work with them again.
I love how they've taken the ironic glamour and elegance of "Tar-jhey" to such a ridiculous extreme that it's actually become cool and funny.
Have you seen these commercials?

And, on top of all this paid work, I'm just over halfway through recording my second audio book for Phil. As it is a fraction of the size of "The Grind Show", it is going so much faster and less frustratingly and I'm almost enjoying the actual recording.
Hopefully I can get that wrapped up before my honeymoon, because, if I don't...it's really going to eat me up.
I loathe having creative projects not finished when there's nothing stopping me but me.
I never understand that...how some people have ideas and then just write them down in little books until they grow moldy and less pertinent. If you have an idea and are able to carry it out, fucking do it. There is nothing, NOTHING more satisfying than having a thought, writing it down and then creating and releasing it; whether it's glorious or insane or pure shit. It's something you made, something no one has seen before...hopefully.
It also pays to Google your idea first, just in case.

So, yeah.
Eight days before the happiest day of my life and I'm voice acting like a fucking maniac.
Good stuff.





* A "hard out" means that, no matter where we're at, I'm out the door by that time. If you're too nice (like me), sometimes you get taken advantage of.

** Yes, by me, and yes, that counts.

*** Less murder and burning.

Beer. At Nine In The Morning

Just received word from my panicked agent that I booked a Bud Light voice over for tomorrow morning...at nine...in the morning...A.M.
It has something to do with March Madness, which, I think, is some sort of fungal rash, typically found around the genitals, specifically the anus region; like Athlete's Foot, but with more hives and burning and stink.
I'M JUST KIDDING!!!
I KNOW ALL ABOUT MARCH MADNESS!!!
It's when basketball fans act even more obnoxious and vicarious than usual.
And I am about to get paid ca$h money to rile them up even further...
This must be what Satan feels like.

Aside from beer, just yesterday I was called back in to do some more recording for Carrabba's, a chain of Italian restaurants that are better than Olive Garden.
10% of the time was spent actually recording while the other 90% was spent eating Goldfish and talking with the engineer, J.D. about how great this industry is and that someone in the industry can never complain to someone not in this industry about the industry or we'll sound like assholes.
Overpaid assholes.
Overpaid assholes who don't do nearly enough for what we are being paid.

On Thursday, both the 14th (Pi Day!!!) and the 21st, I have EVEN MORE SPEAKABOOS!!!!
The last time I was in, I did a villain, finally, although not an evil one, a repentant one...with a goo wand...

And, on Monday, I have another session with Target recording an introduction and breakdown video for their Everyday Collection campaign so they can submit the spots to awards and stuff...so...bacon.

All this and I'm about halfway through recording my second audio book. Thank the bleeding lord Jesus it's only a fraction of the size of Grind Show and that the longest recording session I've had has been just over an hour. I need to fucking soundproof my home...

Along with all this, Chris and I watched that Netflix series, House of Cards which wasn't as bad as one might expect for being an original series on Netflix and the second season of American Horror Story.
Four words: Ian McShane. Holy fuck.

Then there is the wedding.
May I just go on record as saying that Chris has done about 97% of the work?
Thank you.

We're stressed and dying and getting there and it's going to be awesome, but, before it's awesome, it's massive brain and butt fuckery; financially, emotionally and physically.

The podcast is going strong.
But it could go stronger.
You lazy, fucking assholes.
Go here and listen and subscribe and rate and review my shit*.
Then, go here and appreciate all the fucking work I put into the style of my fucking podcast.
Fuck.

I completed Dead Space 3 and didn't think it was as horrendous as everyone else did.
As soon as I have some time, I have, literally, eight games just waiting to be played.
I think I shall start with Metal Gear Rising.

I'm finished.





* Favorably, you fucking dicks.

They Might Be Giants to Peter Firehead: "You're On Fire"

Just a quick note to tell you that there's a new They Might Be Giants track (from their March 5th release, Nanobots) called "You're On Fire".
It might or might not be the theme for my web comic, The (Mis)Adventures of Peter Firehead.

Listen and look and then decide for yourself, but I will tell you that the music video is now in the works.

It Ain't Easy Being Awesome -OR- It's Actually Pretty Easy And Awesome Being Awesome

First, some victorious self-tooting, if I may.
Without going into too much detail: I had a VO session with a big corporation recently.
The promised rate was $1000.
After the session, the producer told some untruth to my agent regarding me, which I, rather rabidly, refuted.
Next, instead of having me back in to do some more work on the session (which they asked about in an earlier e-mail), they decided to go with another talent (which has happened to me before and doesn't really matter because this was a poorly written internal thing which no one was really going to have seen anyway and, either way, whether they use it or not, I still get paid) and then try to ask for an invoice...for $300.
Hey now wait.
There were e-mails exchanged back and forth, all of which amounted to jack shit, because the contract I received FROM said producer on the day of the session said, clearly, $1000.
Anyway, after some bullshit, this huge and very well-paid corporation found it in their gigantic and love-filled hearts to honor the original fucking contract.
Fucking assholes.
Anyway, hard won victory.
Tastes like the best lobster rolls in Maine.

On top of that, tomorrow and Wednesday I have bookings, one for MCCH...whatever that is, and then I go back in for some more Miriam Hospital stuff.
Plus, last week, San Pelligrino had me back for my third session for their new internal video thing.
It's sexy and sexy and yeah.

Over the weekend, I recorded three episodes of digressive_obscenity (with Ray Zibba Zabba, Alex "Wide Receiver" Pakla and Dawn Brooke Owens, putting me four away from my goal of ten for the first wave. While I have a few potential guests lined up, I'm always looking for more, so, let me know if you have an iPhone and an urge to get digressive with me.

Aside from creative things that I am involved with, there's a bunch of creative stuff that I am not involved with that I am enjoying.

Such as Community (after having it, literally, forced down my throat by Jen and Lisa, I have finally sat down and burned my way thought the first two and a half seasons, leaving me with only 12 or 13 more episodes before they are finished and a part of me dies...until February. On the whole, I have found real enjoyment, and, in some cases, like the paintball episodes and that parallel dimension episode, some profound joy, but, while I haven't disliked any one episode, sometimes the hype doesn't live up to the product. It is, however, immanently quotable. And season three is delightfully batshit thus far.).

I've also just embarked upon the fifth season of Mad Men and...well, things are happening there as well. I continue to love how hateable Roger is. And seeing Alison Brie as both Pete Campbell's wife and Annie Edison is...confusingly arousing or arousingly confusing.
Or both.

Just recently, Chris stumbled across what may be the darkest and most disjointed Brit-com I've ever seen. It's called Snuff Box and is (incredibly) loosely based around these two hangmen, Matt Berry and Rich Fulcher. These guys have popped up in The IT Crowd and Mighty Boosh as well as a bunch of other BBC stuff (I love how incestuous the BBC is...) and...it's pretty insane. I don't really think I can explain it...so...I'd say you should just track it down; it's streaming on Netflix.
If this helps, Christina is convinced that I've written about 80% of it.

Over the weekend, Chris and I also took in Pirate Radio (which, while nothing more than a blow job for all of rock and roll- not that there is a thing wrong with that, rock and roll is pretty awesome- had an amazing cast and some of the best deleted scenes I've seen since Wet Hot American Summer. Sadly, it also had a lot of montages the content of which covered "people listening to the radio while happy", "people dancing while listening to the radio" and "people listening to the radio while sad". Maybe if they had cut out some of these montages, they could have fit some of the forty minutes of deleted scenes back into the film.) and Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (which is based on a book that Marilyn Manson has been fellating since the early 90's. It stars Ben Whishaw (the new Q) and, after seeing this, I truly believe that he should be the next Bond villain. Wow is this dark and well shot and that makes it worse because you can clearly see all the dark and horrible shit going on on the screen. Worth a look if you have the balls and guts and stomach and other parts of human anatomy.).

Along with these, I was almost done re-reading The Langoliers, but got bored when they started refueling the jet, and put it down in favor of re-reading some of the Ian Fleming Bond books, namely Live and Let Die. I've also ordered the first of the Young Bond series from the early 00's as Alan has been going on about them favorablyy for quite a while.

I also have the urge to read more Iron Man...so that may happen as well...if you're lucky.

Shockingly, I haven't been doing much gaming as I'm still waiting for that Resident Evil 6 update that allows Jen and I to finally finish the fucking game. I AM SUCH A GOOD AND PATIENT FRIEND AS I COULD HAVE FINISHED THIS ON MY OWN MONTHS AGO!!!!! I have five brand new, unopened video games (The Amazing Spider-Man, Silent Hill: Downpour, Shadows of the Damned and Assassin's Creed 3 with Lollipop Chainsaw on the way) and all I want to do is finish RE6.
WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR?!

I don't know why these things keep happening to me.

But, aside from all this horrible stuff, the plans for my wedding to my One and Only are running smoothly now that the election is over. She's got her dress and, hopefully, this weekend will result in our caterers being booked...hopefully. I am finding that the money-grubbing, love-raping, cold, gray, stone-faced wedding industry is not making me love Christina any less, so I guess that's something.

Me and S. Pellegrino: We Cool/The World Premiere of Unker & Physia

So.
Some weeks ago, I was told I had an audition. The day before the audition, I received an e-mail stating the client had cancelled the audition. The morning of the audition, I was told it was back on and was asked if I could get there within the hour. Since I was already in the neighborhood and since I really like the production place and the people at the production place where it was being held (Hobo audio), I went. I thought it went well, the folks at Hobo thought it went well, I left feeling pretty okay and then thought nothing of it.

A few days later, I was put on hold for the recording, which was to take place two days later. Two days later, I was put on hold for the following two days. And two days after that, I was put on hold for two days the next week. And then, at the start of that next week, I was informed that the project was not going to happen.

Three weeks later, I was informed that I had booked said gig for yesterday, Wednesday, and then, minutes later, that the booking had been moved from Wednesday to today, from 10 am to 2 pm.

During all this, I had not asked what the rate was, mainly because if I didn't book it and it was a lot of money, I'd be bummed.
Or course, on the other side of that, there was a chance I would book it, and it would be paltry.
After my manager confirms and reconfirms with me that we are, in fact, 1000%, recording today, I ask what the rate is.
Paltry.
For me.
After bitching at Chris about not being given enough money to talk*, she suggests I call my manager and see if I can get more money.
Hm.
That is what managers do in the movies...
So I call him and say, look, they have me booked from 10 am to 2 pm and, when you break down the fee to an hourly rate, it's almost insulting AND they've been jerking us off for about three weeks, changing the hold, cancelling the project, rescheduling the hold etc.
He says that he agrees with me and that he'll see what he can do.
This morning, I wake at 9:20 and get ready to head out to Hobo. I check my e-mail and find that my manager has gotten the clients to almost double my fee.
Hot.

I arrive at Hobo and jump in the booth. The engineer does some magic, and suddenly I can hear three or four random voices speaking Italian in my headphones like a river full of sunlight.
Italian is such a beautiful language...
They tell me this version of the script, the English version, is all about trying to describe what it's like to be an Italian (the good parts). They play the Italian spot and it's fabulous, this guy sounds amazing, so passionate, so sexy, yow.
I tell them that English will never be able to express what that guy had just said as beautifully as him, but that I would do my best.
Eventually, we record; I turn on the hot buttered sex voice that they NEED to get their Vespas going and, after six takes, we're done.
One of them said, "motto bene" and I nearly squeaked.
They said, "Grazie!", I said "Grazie!"
They said, "Ciao!", I said, "Ciao!"
It was...motto bene.

Then, as I was scheduled to come back to Hobo at 1:40 for an audition, I asked if I could do it now, if it wasn't a problem (it was not yet 11 am).
It wasn't a problem and I was led into a different studio where the head of Hobo and all-around awesome guy, Howard, gave me the breakdown and ran the session.
Afterwards we talked a bit, specifically about if he knew the hobo-centric works of John "Pizza Miser" Hodgman. He said yes and that he had, in fact, contacted Hodgman about maybe doing a promo or something for Hobo audio, and that Hodgman never got back to him. I told him about my pizza dilemma and he suggested I make a YouTube video a la "United Breaks Guitars" and get that goddamned pizza.
And I just may.

Anyway, all this to say that today, while long, was pretty great and that San Pellegrino and I are cool once again.
It's alllll bene.

Tomorrow is yet another early and long day, during which I will be shooting the final episode of the first "season" of Unker & Physia. Thank Jebus we're shooting just down the street from my house...I might have time to shower before work...
This has been quite a roller coaster ride, but, last night's screening went very well, a full house full of people happy to be there and happy to see Jess and I being wonderful.
Afterwards, we went to a nearby drinking place where I had a subpar burger and some amazing conversation with Dave Ratura, Rachel Goulet, Gia (and her uncircumcised friend, Alex) and Fitzy. Dave and I need to create something...something...horrible...
He promised me that he'll watch Human Centipede 2 and then call me.
Big, huge, mad props to Chris who had to sit between Dave and I as we talked about the more gruesome details of Human Centipede 1. I can only be thankful that had yet to see the second film.

It was a really fantastic night and I'm so happy people were able to make it out and share in this thing we've been creating over the past months.
There is a lot more to come, so keep your eyes and ears open.









* I know, I know, "Go fuck yourself."

Let's Get Sloughy!

Slough.
Fistula.
Rectourethral.

These were this weeks' buzz words here at the Hospital with Jen. I believe all three can be made sexy if spoken huskily enough, a task I am more than happy to accept.

...fiiistulaaa...

I believe that "slough" is the most disgusting onomatopoetic word there is, although I'd be happy to discuss this.
No?
All right then.

I've had THREE acts of Subway fuckery in THREE days and I'm ready to fill the tunnels with the screams of the children of those that run the MTA. And each time they broke it off in me, I was in a car full of their self-aggrandizing, "cute" ads for how great they are and how smoothly things run because of them.
Oh such rage...such impotent, impotent rage...
How is it that I have NEVER, ONCE had a Subway meltdown?
More often than not, I'm pressed against some unwashed fucktard, covered in sweat and told by some chipper robot that "You're going to be fifteen minutes late just because! Eat a dick and then pay us $100 a month for the privilege and the pleasure, cuntface!"
Hm.
Maybe, all this rage I've been swallowing my whole life is what has made me so tall.
I'm made of rage.
Awesome.

Moving on, the last three days (technically two days, but it was going to be three days) have been thick.
Wednesday at 9:15 in the morning (which can be converted to 3:15 in the morning for everyone with a 9 am to 5 pm job) I had to rise and be acting until I then went to work. Which was awful. Then, that evening, I carried out my second digressive_obscenity recording with Will, which went excellent after a ten or fifteen minutes false start due to shitty audio, but, aside from having a great session, I have now figured out how to patch in anyone with an iPhone, thus solving the problem of interviewing anyone who isn't in the room with me. Once November rolls around and my schedule clears a bit, I'll focus on DO and really get things swinging. I spent the past few days working on some transitional music and also on creating some art for the podcast, mostly with some glitch art apps. Some really cool looking stuff coming soon.

The next morning I was up early for an audition that well very well...no...an audition at which I, personally, sounded really good. Yeah. So, we'll see.

Then, I was to be up hella early this morning to shoot the FINAL episode of Unker & Physia after rerecording some stuff for TransPerfect on my home rig as well as some silly audition of Target, but, thanks to rain, I slept about ten hours.
Which I needed.
It's hard to be good at acting with such little sleep...
And now the only day we have left to shoot that final episode is the day that I might be booked to record something, so...fuck.

All right, enough of that.

Yesterday, the new tweaker album, call the time eternity, was posted on Revolver's web site and last night I listened to it.
And now I'm really sad.
I'm going to spend more time with it, maybe try a headphones/versus speakers comparison but...yeah, as of right now, I'm really sad.
God damn it.

This weekend will be spent killing the shit out of some more zombies (but only for a fraction of the time spent killing the shit out of zombies a few weeks ago), and finishing the decorations for the Halloween party. I think, for ONCE, Chris and I will have this thing ready before the actual party begins next Saturday.

Then, on the 30th, I shoot my stuff for the pilot of Becca's webseries, then two days of rehearsal for Electromagnetic Theater (radio show/podcast thing) then two days of recording that weekend.

Then, I am fucking done.

Nothing to deal with except for my wedding.
Oh.
Oh shit.

Just kidding, it's going to be awesome and Save the Dates just went out so that's all good.
Again, cannot wait for my schedule to clear up.

Go.
Be free.

This Radio...It's Bookend Tiger

Confession: I have no clue what the title of the Bookend Tiger Radio podcast means.
Is it an anagram?*
Is it a radio made of bookends that look like tigers?
Is it merely an arrangement of words that sound pleasing together, like "cellar door"**?
I...do...not...know.
What I do know, is that, at around 1:30 this morning, my phone rang and I was then connected with one Mr. Dan "The Blade" Delgado and one Mr. Andy "Hot Snakes" Overton, the Mad Scientists behind Bookend Tiger Radio.
For the next hour and a half or so, we spoke.
We spoke of many things.
Many NSFW things.
Many completely fucking NSFW, are you out of your mind?? things.
The topics touched upon included: The Human Centipede 2 (I had nothing to do with it, even though I am more than familiar with the series, the 2:14 Downtown L.A. to Long Beach AIDS Bus, intentionally getting AIDS, intentionally getting AIDS from Magic Johnson, Mitt Romney in black face, the depth of my voice in correlation with the size of my penis, corporate handjobs and, oh does it really matter?
It's dark.
Dark dark dark.
And fun.
Fun and dark.
Or at least the three of us thought so.
It was a blast and an honor and I'd love to do it again if I haven't lost them too many listeners (although they're  clocking in at about 2.5 billion downloads per episode).
Not sure when it'll be up, but, hey, I'll probably mention it once or twice in a couple places, you know?

Then, it was sleep, although not nearly enough, because, this evening I am meeting Jade and Allister for dinner downtown and therefore had to rise at 9:30 (remember, 9:30 am to me is like 3:30 am to you) in order to become ready for work.
I probably should have called in sleepy and just taken the day, but, well, I dumb.

And so, here I sit, sleepy and cranky; my normally expansive patience for and tolerance of morons is already dwindling, my iPad is at home, getting iOS 6-ed (can't wait to ask Siri my litany of stupid questions) and some third bad thing...oh yeah, the stupid, fat, loud mouthquake of a shitbox I hate is working three feet from me.
Yes, you, you blatting, nosy, swollen carbuncle.
You reek of regret and ignorance.
And yo' mama so fat that no one wants to look at or talk to you.
That one.

Hm.
It seems that, while typing this, I received a message from the good folks at TransPerfect. They'd like me to remotely supervise a recording tomorrow afternoon. Which means they put me on speakerphone while someone else records a voice over session and I correct them if they fuck something up, grammatically.
And then they pay me.
While I'd never give up voice acting for listening to someone voice act, I am flattered that they recognize me as good at talking English good and the concept of this is just twinkling.
I think I'm going to be naked for this phone call.
Mmmm...naked grammar....
Let's see those gerunds.

STOP!










* I found "Breeding Took" and "Rebooted King"...so, either they are fans of Tolkien or perhaps making a veiled political statement?
** Yes, I saw that in Donnie Darko and, no, I don't know what they were talking about.