THIS IS NOT ABOUT BANE OR ANAL AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BANE OR ANAL, SO JUST STOP, OKAY?
Thank you...jeez!
Since returning from the Great White Whale, I've gotten back into my routine of watching...things...
Although I've seen it before once or twice, I had a hankering to watch The Departed again...and so I did.
Martin Scorsese can really only do one thing right, but, well, he does it right, so who cares? One thing I didn't remember from the last time I saw this was all the deus ex machina that happens.
Oh, Matt Damon left the ridiculously incriminating envelope on his desk for anyone to see.
Oh, the entire time Nicholson had some other mole buried way deep in the State Police.
Oh, some other.example that I'm too tired to remember.
Great movie though, it manages to keep that crazy ultra-violence without the silly accents of the Italians...although the Boston accents are pretty funny, I'm looking at you, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg and Martin Sheen (whose accent might be the funniest because it disappears from time to time...like a spring peeper!)
I also rewatched Hot Rod, which still holds up beautifully as one of the best comedies in the vein of Wet Hot American Summer since Wet Hot American Summer. Not quite surreal comedy...more like...hyper realistic? Absurd? Whatever. Hot Rod can suck its own dick...and does...a lot.
Chris and I have begun (and are almost done)* rewatching Firefly and remain utterly baffled as to why it was cancelled. Was it the excellent writing? The really solid acting? Maybe the well-rounded and multi-faceted characters, perhaps? Well, I'm sure you made the right choice Fox...you always do what's best for people.
And, after considering her recommendation for about a year, I have finally taken Becca's advice and started watching Homeland, starring Claire Danes looking like smoothie made of cuteness, paranoia and screaming psychosis. I am enjoying it thus far and my only regret is that I will be finished with the first season weeks and maybe months before the second season is out and available for totally legal download.
I used to watch My So-Called Life** and seeing our little Angela screaming obscenities and doing other adult things that would have melted MTV in the 90's is...well...weird, it's fucking weird.
In news not relating to things that aren't real...does that scan...?...yes...anyway, Saturday, Jen and Lisa joined Chris and I to eat much meat at Alobar (bacon-wrapped meatloaf...all of it...in me...) and give the brand new Second Expansion of Cards Against Humanity a twirl.
Some very nice additions.
Sadly, I don't think I can play that game for a while...between the laughpocalypse with Chris, Jim and Phil a few weeks ago and this most recent foray, I don't want to overuse this gift, na'mean?
BUT that won't be a problem for long, as Resident Evil 6 comes out in a few short weeks and (maybe) I'm going to have a sleepover with Jen and Lisa and we're going to do my hair and talk about boys' butts and kill the living shit out of the victims of the most recent Umbrella Corporation abomination.
And make popped corn.
On Sunday, Chris and I met up with Hillary and Alex at Bare Burger and talked of things which aren't really public yet, I don't think.
She was in town to get shoes and do some ADR for the upcoming film The East which is going to be awesome for her.
Then Chris and I spent about forty five minutes with a ten-week old, black French bulldog and almost bought it...but, luckily, we thought it over and, after finding out that that particular pet store was investigated for buying puppies from a puppy mill, we decided against it.
And I'll say no more on the subject because it will break both our hearts.
And, finally, today, one Jen Rock began her internship at MY shitty Hospital. After her shift, we got lunch and macarons and then ate them loudly in front of the statue that I thought was Christopher Columbus, but which is not.
Bummer.
Now, I might write a song about having a Birthday party for a box of pancake mix.
I just don't know.
* Fuck you so hard, Fox.
** That's putting it mildly. My friends, Kirsten Snyder and Elizabeth Burden actually called each other characters from the show...I was Brian Krakow... * sigh *
Showing posts with label Cards Against Humanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cards Against Humanity. Show all posts
9.10.2012
9.04.2012
Cards Against Humanity/For Laughing So Hard You Cry And Are Unable To Speak For A Good, Solid Minute
I will never play Apples to Apples again.
Never.
I have no need, so why would I ever do so?
"Why (you don't ask aloud), why, Paul, do you have no need?"
Three words: Cards. Against. Humanity.
NUTSHELL: A group of long time friends played Apples to Apples and decided that it wasn't dark enough.
Yes, you could pair the adjective "effective" with the noun "Adolf Hitler", but, at its heart, the game wasn't about that.
It was great...but it wasn't that.
So these sick fucks made a Kickstarter page and the rest is black, black history.
And, after a struggle, I obtained the main game its the first expansion.
And, because I did, I laughed the longest, deepest and hardest that I have in years.
I'll stop the pitch and get to the funny:
On Saturday night, after a long and less than excellent shoot, I met Phil, Chris and Jim at Bare Burger in Queens to have some dinny poo and talk of things, then, we retired to my home where we broke out CAH.
Folks, we played through every card in both decks.
That's 600 cards.
Some highlights* (there were four white cards submitted to each black card, one from each of the three players and one from the Pile, a random card thrown in to make things more interesting. The Pile always has a spooky succinctness to its submissions, at the end of this game, the scores were Chris with 29, the Pile with 26, Phil with 22 and Jim and I tied at 17. I'm writing the answers I can remember.):
"Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of __________"
Dead parents.
"What were Bane's final words to Batman?"**
Vigorous jazz hands.
Balls.
Gandalf.
Making the penises kiss. (the winner, obviously)
"Next on Lifetime:__________, the story of __________"
Golden Showers//The Make-A-Wish Foundation
Free Samples//Grave robbing
While the Bane one had us all paralyzed for some time, the below picture was my favorite and had me completely incapacitated for a solid two minutes or so.
Guys, I really don't know what to say: Cards Against Humanity is described as "a party game for horrible people", but, if being a horrible person feels this good?
Then we should all take a few steps in that direction.
Buy Cards Against Humanity.
Get horrible.
*And, when I say "highlights", I mean that the four of us were incapacitated with laughter, with tears streaming down our faces, unable to speak for a period of time. I am not exaggerating one bit.
**This was a blank card, written in during my first game with Chris, Lauren and Jen some weeks ago.
Never.
I have no need, so why would I ever do so?
"Why (you don't ask aloud), why, Paul, do you have no need?"
Three words: Cards. Against. Humanity.
NUTSHELL: A group of long time friends played Apples to Apples and decided that it wasn't dark enough.
Yes, you could pair the adjective "effective" with the noun "Adolf Hitler", but, at its heart, the game wasn't about that.
It was great...but it wasn't that.
So these sick fucks made a Kickstarter page and the rest is black, black history.
And, after a struggle, I obtained the main game its the first expansion.
And, because I did, I laughed the longest, deepest and hardest that I have in years.
I'll stop the pitch and get to the funny:
On Saturday night, after a long and less than excellent shoot, I met Phil, Chris and Jim at Bare Burger in Queens to have some dinny poo and talk of things, then, we retired to my home where we broke out CAH.
Folks, we played through every card in both decks.
That's 600 cards.
Some highlights* (there were four white cards submitted to each black card, one from each of the three players and one from the Pile, a random card thrown in to make things more interesting. The Pile always has a spooky succinctness to its submissions, at the end of this game, the scores were Chris with 29, the Pile with 26, Phil with 22 and Jim and I tied at 17. I'm writing the answers I can remember.):
"Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of __________"
Dead parents.
"What were Bane's final words to Batman?"**
Vigorous jazz hands.
Balls.
Gandalf.
Making the penises kiss. (the winner, obviously)
"Next on Lifetime:__________, the story of __________"
Golden Showers//The Make-A-Wish Foundation
Free Samples//Grave robbing
While the Bane one had us all paralyzed for some time, the below picture was my favorite and had me completely incapacitated for a solid two minutes or so.
Guys, I really don't know what to say: Cards Against Humanity is described as "a party game for horrible people", but, if being a horrible person feels this good?
Then we should all take a few steps in that direction.
Buy Cards Against Humanity.
Get horrible.
*And, when I say "highlights", I mean that the four of us were incapacitated with laughter, with tears streaming down our faces, unable to speak for a period of time. I am not exaggerating one bit.
**This was a blank card, written in during my first game with Chris, Lauren and Jen some weeks ago.
8.14.2012
That Ol' Mexicali Jambone
Some months ago, Christina and I were discussing movies we watched obsessively as children.
Eventually, the movie Cyborg (starring Jean Claude Van Damme, henceforth known as JCVD or Jesus Christ! Venereal Disease!) came up.
Apparently, her and her brothers would watch it over and over, and it was awesome.
I told her that, when I was younger, my best friend Simrall and I would constantly watch JCVD movies, specifically, Double Impact, the movie in which JCVD stars opposite JCVD (twins separated at birth) and they work together to kick some ass and talk funny.
So, we made a deal.
We watch Cyborg and then Double Impact.
But.
After watching Cyborg, life just..got in the way, and she never held up her end of the bargain to sit down and watch Double Impact.
A quick aside: neither of us was under the impression that these movies would hold up or even be watchable, understand? So there was an element of "why are we doing this to ourselves" to this whole thing.
Fast forward a few months to Chris waxing nostalgic about watching another movie endlessly with her brothers, namely, Best of the Best, starring Eric Roberts' hair and, for some odd reason, James Earl Jones (and Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs...what?).
I say that I'll gladly watch this but only if we watch BOTH Double Impact and Double Team, the movie in which JCVD teams up with, you guessed it,* Dennis Rodman, the gay basketball player who married Madonna thinking she was a rich man.
Why would I ever even know about this utter piece of shit, let alone want to watch it?
Because there is an element of punishment to this: we watched HER movie almost immediately after the deal was sealed and then didn't want mine until just last weekend.
Oh, and I know about this because my old friend, Angela, had a major boner for Dennis Rodman and wanted to see him with his shirt off so we saw it in theaters.
Anyway, all this to say that on Sunday, Chris and I watched Best of the Best and Double lmpact back to back.
Best of the Best had some amazing hair, surprisingly good dialogue, the worst music I've head in a movie in a while, and a bunch of unanswered questions such as: how is James Earl Jones (who didn't throw a punch once in the film) the coach of the United States Karate Team (which isn't a thing), why would one of the five "best of the best" be a forty something year old assembly line worker with an injured shoulder and another of the "best of the best" be a dirty fighting, overweight racist with, based on his performance, no formal training in anything more Eastern than eating Chinese food?
But, to think more on these questions and their unattainable answers would cause brain death, so let's move on to Double Impact.
You guys...this movie was a whole lot better than either Chris or I could have hoped for.
JCVD plays Chad AND! Alex, one was raised in L.A. and teaches yoga and likes pastels and is maybe six inches from being gay, while the other grew up in Hong Kong (another aside: "Hong" shows up in spell check, but not "Kong". Do we have a huge ape to thank for this?) and wears leather and smokes cigars and is mean. You actually get to see JCVD acting, and, like I said, it's actually pretty good.
That man is ripped in a way that makes men uncomfortable.
The bad guys die, the good guys don't, and, of course, JCVD fights JCVD.
JCVD wins...and so does the viewer.
Double Team arrives tonight from Netflix and everything will go downhill from there.
And before this magical day with my Beloved, I had a small group of REAL friends over to watch one of my favorite movies ever (Clue: The Movie, which, by the by, still, not only holds up, but standing highest among those in its genre) and (fucking finally) crack open my copy of Cards Against Humanity.
The wait was completely worth it.
I'm not going to try to explain its glory, I will just say this: if you love Apples to Apples and always give the green card to the person with the darkest, most fucked up noun/adjective combo, then this game was, literally, made with you in mind.
I will never play Apples to Apples in my home again unless it's with total strangers...and even then I may go with CAH, just to see what happens.
It's never felt so good to be horrible.
I believe this weekend is reserved for quiet reflection before Chris and I go to fucking Alaska for her fucking brother's beautiful fucking wedding.
It's going to be fucking magical, but, obviously, I'm complaining because I can't not.
I CAN'T NOT.
How can someone so miserable have snagged someone as glittering and sparkles and effervescent and just fucking unequalled in amazing awesomeness as Christina?
What's the gag?
Is she a man?
Am I in a coma?
Is it some mean prank?
Am I just a dolphin dreaming up this tall actor, shambling and sweating his way through this life he's constantly bitching about?
Hope I never find out, because this is awesome.
* You totally didn't guess it.
Eventually, the movie Cyborg (starring Jean Claude Van Damme, henceforth known as JCVD or Jesus Christ! Venereal Disease!) came up.
Apparently, her and her brothers would watch it over and over, and it was awesome.
I told her that, when I was younger, my best friend Simrall and I would constantly watch JCVD movies, specifically, Double Impact, the movie in which JCVD stars opposite JCVD (twins separated at birth) and they work together to kick some ass and talk funny.
So, we made a deal.
We watch Cyborg and then Double Impact.
But.
After watching Cyborg, life just..got in the way, and she never held up her end of the bargain to sit down and watch Double Impact.
A quick aside: neither of us was under the impression that these movies would hold up or even be watchable, understand? So there was an element of "why are we doing this to ourselves" to this whole thing.
Fast forward a few months to Chris waxing nostalgic about watching another movie endlessly with her brothers, namely, Best of the Best, starring Eric Roberts' hair and, for some odd reason, James Earl Jones (and Nice Guy Eddie from Reservoir Dogs...what?).
I say that I'll gladly watch this but only if we watch BOTH Double Impact and Double Team, the movie in which JCVD teams up with, you guessed it,* Dennis Rodman, the gay basketball player who married Madonna thinking she was a rich man.
Why would I ever even know about this utter piece of shit, let alone want to watch it?
Because there is an element of punishment to this: we watched HER movie almost immediately after the deal was sealed and then didn't want mine until just last weekend.
Oh, and I know about this because my old friend, Angela, had a major boner for Dennis Rodman and wanted to see him with his shirt off so we saw it in theaters.
Anyway, all this to say that on Sunday, Chris and I watched Best of the Best and Double lmpact back to back.
Best of the Best had some amazing hair, surprisingly good dialogue, the worst music I've head in a movie in a while, and a bunch of unanswered questions such as: how is James Earl Jones (who didn't throw a punch once in the film) the coach of the United States Karate Team (which isn't a thing), why would one of the five "best of the best" be a forty something year old assembly line worker with an injured shoulder and another of the "best of the best" be a dirty fighting, overweight racist with, based on his performance, no formal training in anything more Eastern than eating Chinese food?
But, to think more on these questions and their unattainable answers would cause brain death, so let's move on to Double Impact.
You guys...this movie was a whole lot better than either Chris or I could have hoped for.
JCVD plays Chad AND! Alex, one was raised in L.A. and teaches yoga and likes pastels and is maybe six inches from being gay, while the other grew up in Hong Kong (another aside: "Hong" shows up in spell check, but not "Kong". Do we have a huge ape to thank for this?) and wears leather and smokes cigars and is mean. You actually get to see JCVD acting, and, like I said, it's actually pretty good.
That man is ripped in a way that makes men uncomfortable.
The bad guys die, the good guys don't, and, of course, JCVD fights JCVD.
JCVD wins...and so does the viewer.
Double Team arrives tonight from Netflix and everything will go downhill from there.
And before this magical day with my Beloved, I had a small group of REAL friends over to watch one of my favorite movies ever (Clue: The Movie, which, by the by, still, not only holds up, but standing highest among those in its genre) and (fucking finally) crack open my copy of Cards Against Humanity.
The wait was completely worth it.
I'm not going to try to explain its glory, I will just say this: if you love Apples to Apples and always give the green card to the person with the darkest, most fucked up noun/adjective combo, then this game was, literally, made with you in mind.
I will never play Apples to Apples in my home again unless it's with total strangers...and even then I may go with CAH, just to see what happens.
It's never felt so good to be horrible.
I believe this weekend is reserved for quiet reflection before Chris and I go to fucking Alaska for her fucking brother's beautiful fucking wedding.
It's going to be fucking magical, but, obviously, I'm complaining because I can't not.
I CAN'T NOT.
How can someone so miserable have snagged someone as glittering and sparkles and effervescent and just fucking unequalled in amazing awesomeness as Christina?
What's the gag?
Is she a man?
Am I in a coma?
Is it some mean prank?
Am I just a dolphin dreaming up this tall actor, shambling and sweating his way through this life he's constantly bitching about?
Hope I never find out, because this is awesome.
* You totally didn't guess it.
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