A note about Phil Tucker's new epic fantasy series, "Chronicles of the Black Gate"

Facebook posts and Twitter blurbs weren't doing it for me, and, not that anyone will read this or do more than scan the title and click "Like"*, I felt as if I must expound on my thoughts and feelings towards Phil Tucker's new high/epic fantasy series, Chronicles of the Black Gate.

I'm not a high/epic fantasy guy. Never got into it. Got through the first two Ice & Fire books and then tuned out.** Made it to the Tom Bombadil chapter in Fellowship and actually told the book to fuck itself. The closest thing to high/epic fantasy I dig is King's Dark Tower books, and an argument could be made that those aren't really high/epic fantasy at all. So, when Phil, one of my oldest and dearest friends, reached out to me about reading The Path of Flames, the first book in his new epic fantasy series to get my perspective (that of someone who is not a fan of the genre) I was pensive. I love Phil's writing and the worlds he creates and have since we were in high school, where he introduced me to role playing (White Wolf's Mage the Ascension and Vampire the Masquerade mostly), but I was worried I'd get bored with the subject material and it would turn into a chore. 

It did not. 

It fucking did not. 

I found each of the six main character's intertwined stories engrossing and compelling, and, although I was waiting for a dull moment to crop up, spurring me to skip to the next paragraph***, that moment never came. When I reached the end of the first book, I was sated yet still ravenous; both to experience the next step in each of the protagonists' journeys and to discover more about this startlingly original world that Phil had created, its rules, its history, etc. But, more than that, as always with my favorite writings of his, I didn't just want the next book, I wanted to role play in the world, have Phil DM and plot some horribly twisted and delightfully macabre demise for me.

But, taking a step back, what did it mean if I, someone who doesn't know anything about the genre, liked it? It could be a fluke. I could be a fluke. One might also think that I'm biased towards everything Phil would write, as his friend, but, anyone overhearing my frank and, yeah, let's say it, brutally scathing review of the first two books in his recent YA vampire series would have to rethink that opinion. I'm acidically critical of Phil's work because I know what he's capable of. Same with Trent Reznor, same with all of my favorite artists.

So: I liked it. I gave Phil my notes and wished him well. As it turns out, I was right; it wasn't just his closest friends who'd liked The Path of Flames, it was other authors and fans of the genre; positive reviews and record breaking sales had confirmed what I had suspected: this was a truly excellent and potentially far reaching and massively appealing work. After reading an almost final draft of the second book, The Black Shriving, just released on Amazon today, I was completely sold. I'm in for the long haul. Might his Chronicles of the Black Gate make me into an epic fantasy fan? Probably not.**** But if this is the only high/epic fantasy I ever read, I'm comfortable with that.

* Or another one of those goddamn fucking emoticons that I WILL NEVER USE FACEBOOK SO EAT A SMILING DICK.

** And I've never seen an episode of GoT.

*** Not because of Phil's writing, but because my attention span has been as deliquesced by the uprising of social media as the next bent-necked, fungus-brained zombie.

**** Fuck Tom Bombadil. Forever.

Skrutz

11.22.11
3:38 pm
 
That's about where I'm at right now.
Skrutz.
Why am I skrutz?
Good question.
Good.
 
On Friday, I was asked if I could come into work on Monday, not at 3pm, but at 4:30pm.
I happily said yes and then proceeded to stay up until 6am on Monday, playing the new Assassin's Creed.
I woke at 3pm, showered and went to work.
But (and here's where some of the skrutz comes in), I had a booking with Cablevision* at 10am this morning.
So, I went to beddy sleep at 1:30 this morning, hoping to, I don't know, trick myself into getting a good night's sleep, but no one can fool me.
Not even me.
Or can I?
No, I can't.
Everything was fine, I went out like a light at 1:45ish, only to wake up at 3:45 and then again at 6, 7:30 and, finally, at 9:45.
The booking was from 10am to 2pm and was a bit hurry-up-and-wait because of "crossed wires" and "group failings".
But, it was all good, as the folks from Kirshenbaum Bond Senecal & Partners all have wonderful, twisted senses of humor and we got along thunderously.
Then...at 12:30...Sound Lounge (the place I've been booking a lot of stuff lately) presented lunch...a fully catered Thanksgiving bonanza consisting of everything wonderful you could ever wish for.
Luckily, the client called in and gave notes and I did the last bit of VO before the food kicked it.
At this moment though, the food has officially kicked in.
I'm not one of "those people" who believe there is enough tryptophane in a few slices of turkey to actually affect a grown man like myself, but I do believe that a full tummy (especially when that tummy is full of yummy nummy foodsies) plus lack of proper sleep results in skrutz.
Hence: me, now.
Skrutz.
 
And yet...I carry on...
Somehow, some way.
LBC, funky ass shit, etc.
 
So, back to the me.
...have I mentioned that I finished editing my recording of The Grind Show?
I know Phil knows, but...hm...I may have forgotten to mention it elsewhere.
Well.
Done with that.
Taking a bit of a breather and then I'm going to take his notes and implement them.
Implement them xmax.
But Christ the Jesus does it feel good to be, more or less, done with this project.
Now, the ball is in audible.com's court.
Hopefully they'll pass it back covered in honey and thousand dollar bills.
That is how this whole thing works, right?
Balls covered in honey and thousand dollar bills?
Honeymoneyballs?
 
I've also been reading the new King, 11/22/63.
After the requisite "here's how time travel works in this book" chapters, things were pretty cool; the main character returns to Derry, Maine, about a year after the events of IT and runs into some familiar faces, but after that, things got real uninteresting, real fast and have stayed that way for a while.
And King has actually brought out an argument that is tantamount to the old chestnut "would you kill Hitler as a baby?" and he's (the main character) acting all mixed up about it.
Dude.
Yes.
You kill Hitler.
You always kill Hitler.
As an adult, as a baby, as a sperm in his father's nut sack.
You always. Kill. Hitler.**
Anyway, hopefully things will pick up again.
 
I've been intersticing the King with some DC comics (which is redundant, but so is the "Rio Grande River" so fuck right off), namely Suicide Squad (pretty good, depending on the writer/time period. Here's a hint: avoid the 80's.), Checkmate (slow), Salvation Run (excellent) and, just recently, Batman Confidential, which has been rock solid for the first dozen or so issues.
The second story arc is a reinvention of the Joker's origin by a guy called Michael Green and it's stunning.
Gives Batman a lot more of the responsibility for what happened... 
The art is a bit odd, looks a touch like Aeon Flux at times, but with a lot more lines.
 
Going back to whatever it was I was talking about before; last week, Comcast called me back for yet another rerecord AND have booked me Monday for yet another rerecord.
I must say, being the "voice" of a certain spot for several months running is a lot better than auditioning and not getting gigs.
A lot.
It's like, "Yeah, we remember you were good that one time, so let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the monkey?"
And you're like, "Just pay me every time I walk through the door."
And they're like, "Have some Thanksgiving dinner on a Tuesday."
And you're like, "Yes. I will."
This is what I was talking about when I said I enjoy being a boy in love with you.
In love with you, girl.
Oh yeah.
 
Fucking shit I'm tired.
Does Starbucks do Frappucino enemas?
Can I get extra caramel?
And a lot...of whipped cream.
 
Oh, and go check out that short film that Ray and me and Pete and Jess Howell and Phil (different Phil) did.
I'm scary as shit in it and I did the sound design.
Not the piano, the cool background ambience.
Here's a link!!!
"Bitter Sweet"!!!!!!!!
And, the entry before this is a behind the scenes look...in writing!!!
BLEEDING EDGE TECH!!!
 
Then:
MONEY FOR DOPE!!!!!!!!!!!
BANGOLIN!!!!!!!!
A DOZEN OYSTERS ON THE HALF SHELL!!!!!!!!!
WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GALVANIZED TUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MONEY FOR DOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*Cablevision = enjoying my Kool-Aid
 
** Would someone please t-shirt that for me? Something pink and flashy? XXL, if you could.

Subway? No Way!!

10.25.11
5:09 pm
 
Actually, until I start making more disposable income, I kind of have to take the Subway.
But, at least I can whine about it!!!
For instance:
You know how MTA just spent/is still continuously spending thousands of months and trillions of dollars in order to, somewhat, catch up with the trains in Washington D.C. five years ago?
You know, by utilizing bleeding edge tech to put up some shitty LED displays informing commuters when the next train is arriving?
God damn do they love to jerk themselves off about those fucking things...and then play around in the ejaculate like hungry porn stars...
Anyway, I was watching one of those earlier today (a shitty LED display, not a hungry porn star...), and saw the next train clock jump from three minutes to one minute.
"Okay," I thought, "that's not too crazy, what's sixty seconds among friends?"
But then...the train after that jumped from thirteen minutes...to eight minutes.
My first thought was: wormhole.
Obviously.
Then I figured that there must be a supercollider somewhere under the city of Manhattan (supercolliders do stuff to time, right?)
And then I realized that, despite millions of months and quintillions of dollars (over a hundred per month coming directly from yours truly), those fancy, astonishing-in-1992 train clocks...don't work correctly.
But, please, don't let MTA know.
I could easily see them suspending service on every train line going to and from Manhattan just to make these things work a little less badly.
Maybe only be off by four minutes...
**cue "Great, Big , Beautiful Tomorrow"**
Like I say (out loud) in response to those self-satisfied placards plastered all over the interiors of every fucking train: no, I don't care about when the next train is arriving, just that it is, in fact, arriving, and will continue to do so for more than a week at a time, you cockmeisters.
Oh, and, MTA, if you even think about shutting down stations in order to put in carpeting (AKA Wino Vomit Sponges/Disco Crackhead Yoga Mats), I swear I'm going terrorist and killing the world.
And it will be your fault.
There.
At least now, when I get arrested or flagged or something because of that statement, they'll know why.
And I'll totally get a fair trial, because my peers (of which my jury will consist)...are rad.
 
In other news, I finished reading Chuck P.'s latest, Tell-All.
I might be done with this guy.
After Haunted, everything has been down hill.
His characters' gimmicks and quirks are getting in the way of the story and everything feels smaller than it used to, less significant.
Rant was also pretty good, but Snuff felt like a slice of a bigger work that, I suppose, Palahniuk was too lazy to write, and Pygmy was just dull.
Nothing has been as cluttered with literary falderal or as effortful to drag my way through than Tell-All though.
Man, was that not enjoyable...
Anyway, the new King comes out next week.
The one about traveling back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination.
Yeah.
That wasn't a joke.
So I guess I'm going to have to read that...
I also have the latest Dresden book on stand by.
I want to read it, lord oh lord do I...but I know I'm going to burn through it in three days, so I'm saving it for...something...
Might dip back into the Hunger Games series as the first one was pretty great.
 
And then there's Batman: Arkham City.
Mother fuck what a huge, amazing, mindblowing game.
I've completely the main story and I'm only 60% through the whole thing.
Yeah.
Tasty.
 
This weekend is our Halloween party, although I fear it is going to pale in comparison to years when Phil, Grace, Jeannie, Rich, Kathy and/or Molly were in attendance.
But, no worries, we have a contingency in case things get too slow.
Poison.
 
See you Saturday!!!!!!
No trains to Queens!!!!!!
 

7:29 pm

I've just had my very first Take 5 bar.

Quite enjoyable.

 

A Question For Tim Burton

10.20.11

10:42 pm

This first part is kind of just for Tim Burton, so if you aren't Tim Burton (the director Tim Burton, not the milkman from Kelsey Park, Kansas), you can skip to the next section.

If you want.
No one is forcing you to read this.

Tim, last night I watched your film, Batman Returns.

I enjoyed it very much, and, aside from the presence of Prince, it is better in every way than your first Batman movie, Batman.
I have a question for you: why on earth did you not make a third, fourth and fifth Batman movie?
You had already set up Billy Dee Williams as Harvey Dent (the reason Lando took the role in the first place, I might add) and you're awesome, so...que the fuck?
Get back to me, man.

So...to everyone who is not Tim Burton...Batman: Arkham City is definitely a game.

One that you play with a controller.
Batman is in it.

I suppose there's more I could say; about the Batman game, about life in general, but, well, what would be the point?

I mean, you shouldn't be living vicariously!
Life is for the living!
Death for the dead!
If you're alive, live!!!!

Also, I just read the King eBook Mile 81.

Pretty awesome.
For once, there are kids in it without super mind powers.
Three of them, all just kids.

Plus, a reference to Christine, which is delicious.

Yes, it might be a bit self-indulgent (eh, Phil?) and yes, this story is pretty much about a car that eats people, but, god damn it, the guy does it well.
So he's allowed.
Although, I will say I'm astounded at the volume of work he's putting out for a guy who's retired twice.
I hope my retirement is less busy than his.

Anyway.

Fish.

Crunchy Bits

8.16.11

8:53 pm

 

Very tired today.

Bear with me.

There is a bear with me.

 

WHY I am tired pertains to a thing that Digitas and I have going on...

I have booked three out of three recent auditions, plus a re-record for an earlier project in the past week.

Two of these bookings in one day, both of them (along with this morning's re-record) all paid for by Digitas.

I don't know who is running this company, but obviously they think they owe me some money.

Or they realize that I'm a hot, young talent.

Probably both.

Which I'm fine with.

The two bookings on one day were pretty damn disparate: the first was a growly, kill-the-kids-because-they-won't-survive-what-is-about-to-come-to-pass-and-death-would-just-be-more-merciful voice over for Harley-Davidson cookware.

Or vacuums.

I can't quite recall.

I think I may have mentioned that audition here a while ago...

Whatever the case, I got it and recorded it in the same booth with a bunch of characters from Grand Theft Auto IV were recorded.

Which I thought was cool until I talked to my engineer who informed me that Rockstar (the makers of said game) were total shitheads.

Bummer.

From that booking, I went across the street pretty much to record a lot of text, while maintaining a level of enthusiasm that, if used in every day affairs, would result in repeated tazings, in a crazy short amount of time.

Like five lines in seven seconds.

This was for Optimum Online.

Which also makes cookware and batteries or something along those lines.

Before that, I played a talking dog in the style of Christopher Guest from Best In Show.

The first two are straight up television commercials, but this is a fun one: in late August or early September, on Zyrtec's web site, you will be able to play a sort of choose-your-own-adventure game involving talking dogs.

I am the bloodhound in episode two, which I believe is called Parks Unleashed.

It was fun as hell and the folks in the studio were also fun as hell.

When I came in, they were recording some sort of rap about lobster rolls.

And I continue to love my job.

The same can be said of the Optimum session: Chris, Chris, Brian (who'd won an Emmy!!!), Laura (who's voice didn't register on autotune...but that's neither here nor there), Bill, T.J. and...Melissa, I believe.

Between the actual recording session and waiting for the client to call, we all hung out and got to know one another a bit.

Very cool people, all of them.

And, thanks to one of them, T.J., I had my first Chick-a-cavo sandwich from Lenny's.

That man knows a good sandwich when he sees one.

Chicken breast, avocado, roasted red peppers, melted provolone and toasty beard.

As mentioned above: I continue to love my job.

Then, early this morning (the equivalent of 4 o'clock in the morning for you Daylighters), I was called in for yet another Comcast/Xfinity spot.

Specifically to remind folks that Boardwalk Empire is starting up again on September 29th.

Or 25th.

I'm not paid to remember, I'm paid to spit buttered leather.

AND, I found one a few days ago, that the Flumist "Pick Your Nose" campaign I was involved in was nominated for a Webby, which has something to do with Huey, Dewey and Louie's relation, that little duck chick.

Still haven't found the actual thing I was involved in...it's an app that has a bunch of different people saying "I want to pick my nose".

Could someone with a smartphone check this thing out?

Then...don't tell anyone...but I recorded a scratch track for a super secret thing that Ray is working on for Batman...or some other super secret organization.

I can't remember, but I already told you, I'm not in the remembering business.

I'm in the spitting buttered leather business.

So, in other words, I've had a pretty good run, despite my sweatiness...or...perhaps...because of it?

 

And during NONE of these recording sessions have I been dissuaded from buying an iPad.

In fact, pretty much everyone at these sessions that has one says it is fun as hell.

Consensus has pretty much been that it is more of a toy than an actual life-tool, but, fuck you, I like toys.

 

Also:

Since I obtained a Twitter account, I have been using up a lot of text messages (I have a lot of very interesting and exciting things to say) and I was reflecting that, although sometimes I find it odd that I'm writing a tiny message on a tiny keyboard when I'm holding a telephone, literally, in my hand, there are just so many things that would be weird if you called someone and said it rather than texted it.

I mean god forbid you got into a conversation with someone.

That would suck apes.

Curse this information age.

Maybe Marilyn Manson had it right when he totally coined the phrase "DISinformation age"!!

No.

No, he doesn't have anything right.

Poor guy.

 

Over the past two days I have watched Supergirl for the first time since I was 7 and, just this afternoon, Apocalypse Now.

Okay.

This is going to totally sound off the wall...but they were basically the same movie.

Basically.

Although Supergirl was a total piece of badly produced and edited shit, Faye Dunaway looked like she was having a ton of fun and some of the practical effects were actually pretty cool.

And Supergirl is a cutie.

So is Martin Sheen.

According to his son, Charlie, who is also an actor, he watches that movie once a week.

Charlie, not Martin.

And Apocalypse Now, not Supergirl.

That might give some insight to his whole...thing.

I went into Apocalypse Now knowing only that it was supposed to be nuts.

One thing stood way out and that was the creepy chaos at the last U.S. post on the river, that scene at night with all the fireworks.

Man was that effective.

Killgore was fun too.

The whole surfing thing was wonderfully surreal.

Overall though, I think I saw this way after the fact and could have done with less close ups of sweaty people's eyes.

I then found out about all the crazy shit that went on behind the scenes and decided I'm done with this one.

I would like to maybe watch some West Wing this evening, just to freak myself out.

 

Just a few moments ago I finished the Millennium trilogy.

Satisfying read, if, at times, a bit...oh, I don't know...focused on the minutia of Swedish finance.

I do get the point the author was making though, about how reading about the inner workings of the Swedish financial system is as painful as actually being ass raped.

Apparently, Stieg Larsson did not like economics as the whole trilogy was written to support that fact.

But I appreciate his dedication to the joke.

You know I do.

 

That would have been a great segue.

 

Since picking up those two Submarines albums after the Eels show, I've formulated an opinion of them.

Want to hear it?

While the lead singer's voice can be crazy saccharine at times (she sounds a lot like the lead singer of The Cardigans from time to time...fair warning) and the subject matter just so adorable and twee that listening to it is like burying your head in a bowl full of rambunctious puppies, there's a sincerity there that not only makes them tolerable, but endearing.

As for the music itself, if there were just a little less effort put into the production, this band wouldn't be worth mentioning, but the additional noises, instrumentation and layers add enough to make things interesting and to warrant repeat listening.

The songs tend to be sunny, wonderful (as in full of wonder) and joyous.

I'm referring to the two later albums, "Love Notes/Letter Bombs" and "Honeysuckle Weeks" (fae title, no?), and not their first album, "Declare A New State" which is a bit too underdeveloped for my bitchy tastes.

Standouts from the latter albums include: 1940 (a bit sexy, if you can handle it), Tigers, Swimming Pool (sweeter than an actual swimming pool full of cotton candy and Care Bears) and You, Me and The Bourgeoisie (in which they manage to make an attack on consumerism cute...it's insane).

I probably wouldn't go out and buy their albums...as I just did...but track them down on MyBook or FaceSpace and give them a listen.

You could have just lost two legs and an arm in a combine accident and they will manage to make you smile.

Try it.

 

I've also been listening to Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, a weekly podcast on which Michael Ian Black and Tom Cavanaugh (from Yogi Bear and Ed) pick, eat and rate snacks.

They deliver exactly what they promise and their friendship is evident and hilarious.

 

I have nothing else for you.

And that is a relief.

This Weekend In Sloth

7.25.11

5:03 pm

 

Thursday evening, Chris and I put in our air conditioner and then I dragged my mattress into the living room.

It has been there since.

My increased proximity to my entertainment center has resulted in the following: less motion.

BUT I did manage to record the 18th chapter of The Grind Show.

I think it may have been a massive fail as far as this project goes.

Hopefully it's all up hill from here.

Or uphill, whichever Spell Check deems fitting.

Along with that, I finished a remix I've had in the back of my head since...well, 1997.

Not for public consumption, this is just for me to enjoy and that makes it okay.

 

Other than these two "achievements" everything else was flan, baby.

I watched The Green Hornet (might be worse than The Shadow, but I'm not sure. No, wait, yes, I'm sure, because this was made IN THE PAST YEAR).

Watched Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (bottom line, these people are having fun and it's fun to watch people having fun...at least when one of them is Steve Guttenberg).

Saw Horrible Bosses with Jeannie and Chris (best 'R' rated comedy I've seen in a while, better than both Brides Maids and Bad Teacher).

I'm also still chewing my way through the final season of 24.

Beginning to get really concerned about where I'm going to get my mindless action fix once this show is gone from my life.

In a moment of panic, I took Netflix's advice and added the entirety of Prison Break, half out of desperation and half out of wonder at how in the fuck they're going to stretch a prison break over five fucking seasons.

Made the prison is a prison for prisons?

SPOILERS!!!

I am gloriously happy that Netflix has added the next two seasons of That Mitchell and Webb Look to their Instant Thing.

I watched most of the second series last night and had trouble not waking Christina with my laughter.

There is a little bit they do at the end of one of the episodes (as themselves) involving the creation of cheese which is incredibly funny.

 

As for paper TV, I am still reading A Clash of Kings and it really is a chapter by chapter thing now.

Once I've drilled through that, I plan to take a break with either John Hodgman's Areas of My Expertise, the third and final book in the Millennium trilogy, the Hunger Games series (recommended by Jeannie) or maybe the latest book in the Dresden Files, Ghost Story, which comes out tomorrow.

One thing is for sure: whenever I choose to read it, I'll be buying it tomorrow to avoid being book-raped for buying it next week, when the price triples.

And yes, I do know two people working for the publisher, both who could probably get me a copy for free, but I haven't spoken to them in maybe half a year or more and that would be a bit obvious, no?

I also have the latest Terry Pratchett...

Mm...reading options...

 

Should be wrapping up Saint's Row 2 soon and I'm fine with that.

Feeling a bit of open world burnout.

Might finish Portal 2's co-op if Will ever drags himself away from his dead end exploring-the-universe job and focuses up.

WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT GLADOS IS UP TO!!!!

 

Also did some research on iPads.

God damn those things are expensive.

Even the basic model.

Anyone know Bill Gates?

Or where he keeps his iPad?

...call me...

 

All right then.

You've had enough.

Done. So Done.

7.12.11

5:40 pm

 

I...am so done.

So much so done that I can so taste it.

It tastes like three days of vacation, pizza and Saint's Row 2.

 

Just this afternoon, I finished editing and posted my "Can't Keep Johnny Down" video.

God and John Hodgman willing, this will be the last thing I film with my shitty, obsolete camera.

In the end, it was a pain in the ass, as all things that involve massive amounts of editing are, but it was a fun pain in the ass.

Like a clown hamster.

You can see this clown-hamster-up-my-ass video here.

 

Over the weekend, I hosted the 1st Annual DBO/NYC Fountain Tour with one Dawn Brooke Owens and her sister, Naomi.

We wandered around Central Park, covering at least 85% of it (and of the 85% covered, about 75% was intentional and not based on me getting us lost).

It was a fun, exhausting day and I'm probably not going to do it again until some other person wants a goddamn fountain tour.

Or statue tour.

Or gargoyle tour.

Actually...that last one sounds pretty cool.

Anyone want to do a gargoyle tour?

We could look at gargoyles.

 

And now, a rough outline of the next five days: sleep, sweat, play Resident Evil 5, play Saint's Row 2, finish season seven of 24, watch The Green Hornet (I support Seth Rogan), watch Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment (don't you fucking judge me), do dinner and Bad Teacher with Chris, Lauren, Brian and Jeannie and see the play Chris has, literally, shed blood over.

And I might see Horrible Bosses as I am a fan of about three quarters of the cast.

Other than that?

Nothing.

Well, I might record/edit some more Grind Show.

Almost halfway.

God damn if only it were 18 degrees cooler...

Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe this weather?

No?

Well, maybe later.

 

Picked A Clash of Kings back up, despite my own screaming protestations.

I think I figured it out...I don't like it when nothing happens.

Superficially in situations where two people are talking and we see what one is thinking but then their thoughts, which would totally make things exciting and interesting if only they'd fucking say them, are followed by "but Ser Wigglebottom didn't say that".

It's like, well, obviously he didn't say that, that would have made these books more interesting and shaved off a hundred pages and ten months from this fucking thing and we wouldn't want that, would we, GRRM?

I also believe that the series could have been four books and done by now if Martin didn't love the sound of his own fingers on his keyboard and making up funny names and family trees that go back eight thousand fucking years.

This guy is so verbose, he has two middle names, of course his books are going to reflect that.

Anyway.

 

I have downloaded and listened to the new They Might Be Giants' album.

A review should be up around Monday as I'm not doing anything that even slightly resembles work during my time away from this Ass Box.

I'll put everyone's* fears to rest and say now that it isn't the horrible car crash I thought it would be.

It has a lot of great stuff on there, including a few instant classics.

Not as immediately enjoyable as The Else, but the Dust Brothers aren't on this one.

Speaking of TMBG, originally their free show on the Williamsburg waterfront on the 29th was them and Eugene Mirmen.

Then I found out that Jonathan Coulton was opening.

Then I found out that Kristen Schaal and Patton fucking Oswalt will be performing as well.

For free.

What...did I do to deserve this?

Is it the fountain tour I put together for Brooke?

It is all the hours I spent cleaning oil from angry, sad sea creatures in the Gulf of Mexico??

Is it all the infected Africans I killed in Resident Evil 5?

Let's go with that last one.

Yes.

 

Okay, I hear what you're saying, it is indeed time for pizza.

Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Who?

Sclub.

7.8.11

4:27 pm

 

Finished Simon Pegg's autobiography, Nerd Do Well, last night.

Overall it had some good bits and a few great bits, but it rambled quite a bit and focused waaay too much on his early days as a boy.

I blame myself.

Just because I like the work of an actor/writer/whatever doesn't mean I'm going to be interesting in his or her life, or even that he or she has actually had an interesting life.

Not 100% sure, but I think this is the first autobiography I've ever purchased...no, wait, I picked up Marilyn Manson's when that was out.

Actually, I remember buying Manson's book with a Barnes & Noble gift certificate I received for placing in a Shakespeare Competition at which I represented Lake Highland.

I did a sonnet (the "anti-sonnet") and the "Floating Dagger" speech from...that one Shakespeare play..."Omelet"?

Get this: after the competition, I mentioned to LHP's drama person, Ginger Bryant, the person who had suggested I enter, that a lot of the other competitors seemed to have picked the same Floating Dagger speech, to which she replied, "Yeah, it's one of the most overdone Shakespeare pieces."

I then went on to ask why she let me choose, rehearse and perform it for the past month or so if that was the case.

She shrugged and said something about not wanting to interfere with my performance.

Ah, Florida.

Top notch schooling xmax.

Did you know that I almost went to Bishop Moore...the same high school as Britney Spears?

Or so I heard.

Anyway, thanks Ging, way to let me suck for my school.

Whatever the case, I always enjoyed the fact that Lake Highland ostensibly bought me Marilyn Manson's autobiography, even if it was badly written and full of ridiculous bullshit.

Take that, Bible Belt!

Although, I'm the one who read it, so it's really, take that, me.

Sad.

 

There was an interesting bit about "quantum attraction" in Pegg's book that was quite captivating.

It seems as though "quantum attraction" is the thinking man's substitute for "fate".

Whatever works.

I call it "the Whim of the Great Magnet" (and what a fool I was to resist it) in honor of Hunter S. Thompson.

There was also a revelation that hit me like a fucking truck and made me feel like an idiot.

Pegg brought up how weekends, when he was 8, seemed to last forever.

Then he said exactly why.

I don't have it in front of me, but it was along the lines of, when you're little, you've only lived a fraction of your life, so a two day period feels so much longer since you've only experienced a handful; as opposed to the angry thirty year old who, ;literally, screams in frustration when it's Sunday at 11:50 and he feels as if the entire weekend was pissed away.

It's simple and I feel like a priest that just had evolution click for him.

Sheepish.

I attempted to pick A Clash of Kings back up last night but the book is, physically, fighting me.

For reals.

But the new Dresden book comes out Tuesday so, fuck Martin, let him give his slavishly devoted fans the raw deal.

Jim Butcher will save us.

 

Finished two more chapters of The Grind Show, although I'm furious at my awful Irish accent.

I pray no Irish ever get their hands on this.

Don't get me wrong, at times, words will sound Irish.

Then they'll sounds British, then Scottish, then like some crazy accent I made up myself with elements of all three.

Plus Dutch.

And Canadian.

And mentally handicapped.

Phil, I know you're in the midst of writing the second book so fucking listen up: NO MORE IRISH.

Here are the accents I can do convincingly*:

English (sort of, might actually piss of some Brits, or at least confuse them)

Scottish (much more so than Irish; if you'll recall our first VO session after which I asked, ever so politely, if it really mattered for the story that Jeremy was Irish and could you, please, make him Scottish? Thanks.)

French

Russian

German

The "New Yawk" accent

Various Southern accents

Morgan Freeman

 

There's others, but I can't just whip them out like some overeager porn star at the Adult Movie Awards.

I can do a fair pirate if you want...are there any pirates in your new book?

Why not?

You dick.

 

Things are 80% in order to tomorrow.

Hopefully this will be the last day of the Can't Keep Johnny Down shoot.

95% of the stuff left to shoot is going to be in Chris' room in the morning, then a quick trip to a nearby graveyard and then, tomorrow evening, the final shot.

Then, I finish importing and editing and Robert is your Aunt's husband.

Still feeling hopeful, but I have no real reason to.

At one moment, I think my video is too obtuse, at the next, to obvious.

One thing is for certain, no one is going to confuse this with a real TMBG video.

But this isn't, according to them, going to be their official video.

They will be shooting a "pro" video.

Which is fine with me.

I feel worse for Chris.

There's so much stuff my vision doesn't allow me to accomplish, simple things, that I need her for and she's still wrestling with this fucking Galileo bullshit.

After next week, she is taking a well earned break.

 

Speaking of next week, I had three vacation days left that I needed to use before the 17th of July, so I took them next Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

My plans are as follows: finish editing and submitting my Can't Keep Johnny Down video, finishing editing chapters 8 through 17 of The Grind Show and send them off to Phil, see that play Chris has been working on, see Bad Teacher with Jeannie and Chris...and maybe Lauren...I should call her.

Other than that, ,maybe play a few more levels of Resident Evil 5 and then crack open either Saint's Row 2 or Infamous 2.

Just called Lauren.

She's in.

Rock on.

Then, the new TMBG comes out, then, free TMBG show in Brooklyn, then Eels show in Brooklyn with Chris and sis.

Such business.

That's busy-ness, not business, like a business suit.

Oh, speaking of which, I had only listened to a little Har Mar Superstar over the years, and I kind of felt a connection between him and Midnite Vulture's Beck.

After listening to all but one track of Har Mar's "You Can Feel Me", I take that back.

He sounds like someone trying to be Beck but failing more often than not.

He has a few gem here and there, but it's mostly just tasteless and badly done music.

The latter more a problem for me than the former, obviously.

 

Anyway, before all the nutty shit next week happens, this Sunday, I am hosting one Dawn Brooke Owens and her lovely sister, Naomi, on a fountain tour of the city.

Do you think sounds out of character for me at all?

Well then you don't know me from Adam.

Nagorski.

He's not as tall as me and went to Harvard I believe...or Amherst, I can't remember.

 

Anyone else think it's weird that the closest police precinct to me here is the 23rd?

No?

Okay.

 

LET'S ROCK~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Convincingly to a person who has never been to the place where this accent occurs naturally and who has never heard anyone from one of these places talk.

Had to share...

7.1.11

9:50 pm

 

I picked up Simon Pegg's autobiography, Nerd Do Well, yesterday and came across something hilarious.

The following is Pegg's reaction to seeing the Star Wars characters in 1977 before having seen the movie:

 

    "There was an old man in a cloak carrying a glowing blue sword, a man dressed entirely in black with a helmet like a dog's face and a glowing red sword, a young blond boy in pajamas, a cool-looking guy in a waistcoat firing a big pistol, a similarly armed girl wearing a white dress, a gorilla, a dustbin with legs and a gold homosexual. "

 

So far the book is all right, not as amazing as Pegg's movies, but, well, he's a person not a movie, so, there.

I'd recommended it if you are a geek and like Simon Pegg.

Hip Flop

6.21.11

 

7:06 pm

 

I finished The Girl Who Played With Fire last night.

It ends on a cliffhanger!!!

And the third and final book picks up right where the second left off!!!!!

I really am a sucker for stuff like that...

Anyway.

I thoroughly enjoy the second book, but I still plan on taking a bit of time before I dive into the third.

Anticipation and all that.

On the whole, I found Fire to be more enthralling than Dragon Tattoo, as you already knew the characters and there was a lot less information about Sweden as a country and financial entity.

There was a metric shit ton of coffee consumed though.

I have a strange feeling that the writer is a fan of They Might Be Giants.

Or maybe just coffee.

But seriously, the only thing people drank in the first two books was coffee and the only thing they ate, no matter what time of day, was sandwiches.

There are a few exceptions; Billy's Pan Pizza, ham pie, bacon pie, fried sausage and an occasional apple.

I'm not really sure why these things caught my eye...maybe because I don't drink coffee often?

 

Might pick up A Clash of Kings again, but...no, I won't.

 

In other news, Phil is on his way to do some desert research for the next Grind Show book.

The working title: Cock Slap Sandwich.

Quite frankly, I think it's ridiculous.

There should be a hyphen in there.

 

Just last night I picked up the new SONOIO release, RED.

Not sure why Alessandro Cortini is so fond of caps, but, whatever, he's Italian.

I enjoyed his first volume, BLUE, better.

This one seems...I don't know...forgettable.

BLUE only had a few good tracks on it, but he's making some interesting stuff, so I'll keep buying it.

And I have been buying it, not just downloading it.

He's not signed to any label and he's ex-NIN, so that carries some weight with me.

Although the only ex-NIN thing I've actually really enjoyed has been Tweaker.

And Manson has him now.

Hopefully, he won't have been able to leach all of Chris Vrenna's talent.

 

Recorded chapter eight of The Grind Show last night.

1/5 of the way finished.

I'm going to try to record a chapter a night until the thing is done.

As long as my voice is able and I don't have an audition too early the next day, this should be done in a month or so.

I think it's going well, but I completely understand why editors and people along those lines exist.

Paging Edward Excellent

6.13.11

3:54 pm

I've just finished reading a huge interview with John Linnell regarding, for the most part, the presence of computers in his life.

At one point the seemingly inevitable question of how computers have affected the distribution of music came up and Linnell mentioned that he feels less people are listening to albums, preferring to buy individual songs from iTunes and other such digital marketplaces. He talked about how more people would prefer to have a playlist of songs rather than a related collection they would sit and listen to.

And I'll agree.

You know why?

Because bands, chiefly because of this recent development of the ADHD way of listening to music, have stopped putting effort into the whole album.

They think, "Well, there's three singles...it doesn't matter what else we put on here" and thus another musical turd is born.

I hate the word 'turd', by the way. 

As I was saying, I don't think this is the band's fault, it's our fault as consumers with the attention spans of a hummingbirds.

I didn't grow up with LP's, so I never had that whole "listening to a record is a ritual" thing, but I did have cassettes and, more often than not, I would listen all the way through. Because, even if one particular song on the tape wasn't my favorite song, it was still by this band I was listening to and I like them enough not listen to the rest of the album, so why would I skip this one? And plus, a song is, what, four minutes? What's the big deal?

Granted, I have lost that respect of a lot of music.

I have just as many playlists on my iPod as the next person, but I will often still slap on the first track of an album and let it play, because that's how these artists intended it to be.

How could I call myself a fan of a band if I only like three songs per album?

The issue is, as I said before, that these bands I like seem to think that no one is listening to their albums as albums anymore and have started putting less effort into the music as they used to.

And then fans only listen to three or four tracks per album.

And then bands make albums with three or four good tracks.

It's a vicious cycle and it fucking blows.

And it's never going to stop until either: a. fans start taking time to listen to full albums as full albums or b. bands start making albums that are so enthralling that people have no choice but to listen to them in their entirety.

Now, people are stupid and fickle and hummingbirds etc. as I said before, but these bands (technically) are artists.

So, sadly, I'm going to have to put them blame on them.

How do you get people to listen to more than three or four tracks off your new 13 track album?

MAKE BETTER SONGS.

BETTER SONGS THAT FORM A BETTER ALBUM.

This feels obvious...is this too obvious?

I mean, has anyone called the VP of Music and told him, "hey, fucko, tell them to make better music and people will buy more music"?

Am I really out on a limb here?

Whatever the case, there are at least five bands that I listen to whose albums I will gladly listen to as wholes.

I might pick my favorites and put them on a playlist, but that doesn't mean I'm going to discard the rest of them.

It's disrespectful.

Now THAT sounds weird coming out of my fingers...

Hm.

I might be rambling, pointing out the obvious, but, seriously, things aren't going to get better.

 

Switching things up: I am almost done with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

I decided, now that I'm near the end, to watch the trailer for the Fincher remake and see if I could match scenes with scenes.

I can.

Then, I watched the trailer from the original Dragon Tattoo movie to see just how necessary this remake is.

Seems that the answer is: not very.

I can clearly see some guy in a suit in somewhere in Hollywood (perhaps the VP of Showbiz?) meeting with David FIncher and laying it on the line for him:

Okay.

Some people will never see a movie, not matter how great, as long as it has subtitles.

So.

We like money and are running a tad short on ideas at the moment, so we'd like to replace the all Swedish cast and crew and script of the original The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo movie with James Bond, the cute, smart chick from The Social Network, that German doctor from Thor and the Avengers movie, have the director of Fight Club shoot it and get hot, new Oscar Meat©® Trent Reznor to do the score.

What do you think?

And I suppose that David Fincher said yes.

Anyway.

I saw The Hangover 2 this weekend with Jeannie, mostly to try and catch the Dragon Tattoo trailer, you know, the one specifically engineering for theatrical presentation, but it wasn't there.

Movie wasn't bad though, so, whatever.

Have no idea how they are going to top themselves for the third Hangover movie...quite frankly, I'm a little frightened.

All right.

Enough talk.

9:22 pm

Just finished The Girl etc. etc. etc.

Planning on watching the original film in a few days.

I think I may jump into the second in the series as soon as I've finished typing this.

I hope to Christ that there is less research and coffee drinking in the second and third books.

One thing I will say, I am greatly looking forward to a Trent Reznor/Atticus Ross score for this movie more so than I was for a movie about the creation of Facebook.

For as good as that score was...SO incongruous.

In fact, I'm hoping some Nine Inch Nails fan with more initiative than I sets certain scenes from Fincher's Dragon Tattoo with some of the Social Network score, as I've always felt that stuff on that would have been perfect for a rape/murder type movie.

Dark Side Of The Network?

Social Side of the Moon Tattoo?

Certain scenes in particular have such potential for perfect pairing with Reznor and Ross' stuff...

Anyhoodle.

I was thinking about picking Song of Fire and Unfinished Manuscripts back up, but...I'm not going to.

Eat it, G.R.R.M.

EAT.

IT.

10:46 pm

 

Only three chapters into The Girl Who Played With Fire and I'm hanging on every word.

I do so enjoy the second book in a series that doesn't take twelve chapters to catch you up on what you missed.

As long as this book revolves around these events and has nothing at all to do with Swedish economics, government, agriculture, mining, binary thought engines or anything else...I'm set.

I even enjoy the stuff about Salander and math.

I've always been a numbers kind of person and her new obsession is wonderful and fascinating to me.

Man, I hope these first few chapters are good indicators...

Jumpy Stomp

6.8.11

5:01 pm

 

First things first: after being out in the sun for about thirty minutes, most of my body is bright red.

"Paul", one may ask, "knowing you, why the fuck would you ever choose to be out in this weather?"

Well, yes.

Fuck you.

I was just helping a brother out.

Alan needed a huge madman to destroy a box in front of him and Jess Howell for Bob Greenberger's roast next month.

And I, being that helpful, box-destroying type, of course, agreed.

We were also running hella behind on the shoot and so I had no time to get home to grab my stuff for work, so I've been here for the past two hours or so with nothing but my thoughts...and my sunburn.

I'm going to streak home on my break, stand in a cold shower until my genitals disappear and then get my stuff for the final four hours of today's sadness.

"What stuff"?, did I hear you murmur?

No?

Well then...I began to find the second book of the Fire and Ice series a bit...annoying and decided to check out Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy.

As I said before, I'm learning a lot more about Swedish economics than I ever would have thought from such a lauded book.

How the fuck can out fasterfasterfaster culture have accepted such a slow-starting book?!

It's astounding!

On one hand, it makes me think people are getting smarter, on the other hand, this book isn't nearly as fun as I thought it would be.

Larsson certainly understands the definition of "juxtaposition" though...one paragraph has one main character reading quietly through a binder of decades old police reports while, in the next paragraph, the other main character is being brutally sexually assaulted.

I'm almost halfway through and beginning to get into it, but the pace, at least of the sections following the financial journalist are dryer than the sheaves of papers he's spent most of his time sorting through.

ZING!!!

Take THAT, Mikale Blomvkist!!!

I'm curious as hell how Fincher is going to make this an interesting film.

Then again, I had that feeling before The Social Network and...well, he didn't really make an interesting film, per se, more like he made it...engrossing.

But, seriously, the first quarter of the book is like one big library scene.

At one point, the financial journalist is being set up for a long story and he actually says, "look, get to the point".

I pumped my fist in utter unanimity and prepared for the chase to be cut to...but then the person telling the story says, "you must be patient" and the first responds with, "Okay."

Christ...

Phil liked it very much because he said he found it grounded the book.

Look, grounding is one thing, but watching the ground as rain dries on it?

I'm especially rankled by the fact that I put down A Clash of Kings because it was dragging, not knowing I was in for a history of Swedish industrialists.

AND NOT EVEN REAL SWEDISH INDUSTRIALISTS!

FAKE SWEDISH INDUSTRIALISTS!

I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THESE PEOPLE THE NEXT TIME I'M INVITED TO A RECEPTION AT THE SWEDISH CONSULATE!!!

But, like I said, the book is growing on me.

Hopefully it will pick up.

And hopefully Fincher will find some way to reconcile his awesome, tense, insane directing style with this tinder-dry story without doing anything ridiculous.

And, again, like I said, I'm only about halfway through this thing.

Everything could explode on the next page for all I know.

I'll weigh back in when I've finished it.

 

Meanwhile, I've decided to record no more than two chapters at a go with The Grind Show, for the sake of vocal integrity.

Chapters one through three are all edited and ready to rock, while four and five exist in their rawest, unedited forms, waiting to be glossed.

Not sure when that will happen, as all I want to do in this horrible fucking weather is die, scream at the sun and die again.

I'll do my best though...for science.

 

Time to run home.

 

Ha.

5.12.11

8:56 pm

 

Last night I beat the single player portion of Portal 2.

Without spoiling anything, it's a fantastic ending (paired with a fantastic pun) that surpasses that of the first.

And there is another, excellent JoCo song.

More excellent that Still Alive?

You decide.

 

I also had an hilarious revelation while finishing the game last night.

GLaDOS reminds me of Danielle.

Something about the coldness with just a hint of emotion...

 

And speaking of coldness, I have just embarked upon George Double R Martin's Fire and Ice books.

I'm only a chapter or two in, but it appears promising.

I like wolf babies.

I like Others.

Each of the four books thus far released is about 800 pages, making the total number about 3,200.

Toss in the last three (hopefully published before I die) and that's 6,000 pages, give or take.

THAT is what I'm talking about.

You know, I hear the trogs around me talking about these "great books" they're all reading and passing back and forth like herpes in a college dorm with titles like "Dirty Divorcee" and "Mistress" and "Still A Mistress" (not joking about that last one), and, after wiping the tears of laughter and sorrow from my eyes, I find myself reflecting: what would these people do with an actual good book. Not a good sci-fi or fantasy book, but a good, classic book. Like from a fifth grade reading list?

Would they be able to understand and enjoy it?

Would they think it too "smart"?

Would they set it down and clamor instead for the latest novelization of the new Medea movie?

Would they know what "novelization" means?

Am I being elitist?

Would they know what "elitist" means?

I could ponder on this all day...

...asshole.

 

Last night, TMBG put up their latest podcast which consisted of one song called "Fellowship of Hell".

Flans said it was recorded during the "Join Us" sessions, but will not be on the album.

Which is a goddamn shame because it's great.

With lyrics like "Rock had a baby/and called it 'AHHH!'" and "there is no loathing/like self-loathing", it exhibits that catchy, weird darkness I love and miss about them.

Still about two months out from "Join Us", but "Fellowship of Hell" gives me a spark of hope...unless, of course, they left all the good songs off the album to suffer the fate of b-side and podcast fodder...

Whatever.

The fact that they're making and releasing this good stuff is what matters.

 

This weekend, Sony-willing, I will try out the Portal 2 co-op with Will.

I will also NOT be jumping out of a god damn birthday cake.

Fascists.