12.21.12 = WE ARE FUCKED

4.27.09

7:53 pm

On Sunday, Chris and I joined Bill and his friend at a warm up show of sorts for Bill's friend, Chris Rush.

Apparently, Chris Rush was a molecular biologist who spent five years at Harvard and so on and so forth, and he s now doing stand up comedy (he and George Carlin were friends and, apparently, he is one of the only comics that George Carlin actually endorsed).

He has a one man show coming to the Bleecker Street Theatre called "Bliss".

Quite frankly, he was funnier than his show, but an old woman DID fall down and crack her head open just as he started.

That was not part of the show.

Anyhoo, we all went out to Acme Underground after the show and I learned a lot about the end of the world.

Apparently, it's going to be on December 21st, 2012.

And here's why.

First off, the Aztec calendar (which is apparently THE most accurate and blah blah one) is going to end (and, for some strange reason, it doesn't just start up again, it just ends. I personally don't get that. When one cycle ends, you start another one. But then again, I'm not Aztec).

That's something we've know since 1994 though, right? When EVERYONE said that THIS calendar was more accurate than THAT calendar. I believe we've had three apocalypses thus far? WE'RE STILL HERE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Next, (and alllll this stuff comes from Chris, who I really don't know from a hole in the ground, but he seemed pretty learned...sort of) 12.21.12 is the day when the sun, moon and Earth (I may be misquoting) are going to be in perfect alignment with the black hole at the center of our universe.

THEN, there is also going to be MAJOR sunspot activity that will, at best, fuck up all our electric shit and, at worst, release the thing will ostensibly to do us what whatever-it-was did to the dinosaurs.

And also, the magnetic poles have been losing their polarity and by 12.21.12, they might be switched, which also means a whole electrical apocalypse as well.

So...yeah, again, I don't know this guy from Adam (who is taller), but he's got some credentials.

I'm glad I've got Will as one of my two readers so he can chime in on all this eschatological hibble bibble.

Will?

Please?

Some light on this end times stuff?

Personally, I'm not going to worry until the Zombie Apocalypse which is, by far, going to be the most fun and marketable.

Go Shuffling Dead!!

WOO!!

Twits.

http://twitter.com/THE_EELS

Right on, E.
Right on.

I, Iterator.

4.23.09

7:52 pm

In all complete seriousness and honesty...why do all American Apparel models look like quirky rape victims?

Today I finally sealed the deal with the Davidoff folks.

After being put on hold for over a week due to "copy issues", I went in at 10 this morning, to the exact same studio with the exact same director and exact same sound engineer and was in and out in a little over a half hour.

Because they wanted deep and sexy and they fucking got it.

I may not be a morning person, but my voice sure is.

As I thought there were three versions of exactly the same sentence with different syntax.

The video looks like a porn directed by David Lynch and my voice provides the money shot.

Boosh.

There are two versions of the ad, a thirty second and a fifteen second.

The fifteen will air in the U.S. on all the networks and the thirty will run in Europe and in the UK forever according to the lady from the casting agency.

Apparently they love cologne and perfume commercials over there.

You should be seeing this around the end of summer.

Or not.

I get paid either way, but this thing might just be trashed or made exclusive in India or some other bit of corporate fuckery.

But again: I get paid.

Now that this thing is finally over, I feel as if a weight has lifted off of me.  This weekend I will record the "Children of Aruf" script with Bill and Gen, and then I will sleep.

A lot.

Oui.

A Quantum of Sexxy

You know that feeling you get when everything is perfect, like a Universal Click that just makes all those things that need to be, be?
Well, I got that.
And it's cool.

Back off man, I'm a scientist.

4.21.09

8:17 pm

Comcast.

Comcast, Comcast, Comcast.

I will say this:

I give you points for trying SOMETHING different.

Now let's see about giving me some of your infinite marketing cheese.

Had a Comcast audi today at Hobo.

Hobo is the place I did the 56 Plavix rerecords which bought me my TV.

It's run by a guy named Howard, who happens to be the only Howard I have ever actually met and spoken to.

And he goes right up there with Philip Lovecraft and the Duck as excellent Howard's.

This Comcast thing today called for a HAL 9000 voice.

I listened to some clips last night, just to be exactly sure HAL 9000 was who I thought he was.

He was.

So, I did the first read through, and Howard says take a little more time and make it a bit less whispery.

I do so and he says I nailed it.

Actually said, "You nailed it.  What's your availability next week?"

Now, you will hear this often times in "the business" (or, if I were a rapper, "the biz-NASS") and, when you hear it, it is good to remember it is usually worth the paper it is printed on, by, I feel like I DID actually nail this bitch and to have Howard confirm my nailing just made me feel good.

Not that my good feelings or Howard's kind words mean fuckall to the High & Mighty Shit Filled Condoms at Comcast who have been hearing and rejecting my beautiful, buttered leather voice for the PAST FIVE YEARS, but,  whatever, I had a good audition today.

Elsewhere in the realm of me talking, Bill and I and some other person (named Gen, I believe) are FINALLY getting together this Saturday to record that script he's adapted, possibly for an animated thing in the works.

Bill's been in the biz-NASS for over 40 years, so...he's the nozz.

At this particular moment, I am a bit high strung because this project I've been on hold for for over two weeks is about to (or not to) come to fruition either tomorrow afternoon or Thursday morning.

Once it is in the bag, I will feel, once again, like God's Own Boner.

Until then, I remain, as always, a Jesus Queef.

Elan!

'Scuse me gul I know 's a bit...embarrassin' bu' I cane hep bu' noticethem blogs...on yuh shirt

4.17.09
3:38 pm

To those who grok the reference in the title...we salute you.
And it's APPLICABLE.
Oh sweet buttery corn it's APPLICABLE.
I am now contributing to TWO massively homoerotic blogs stored RIGHT HERE, on the Internet!
The first is the Really Simple Pun Aggregate started by one Colin Goldberg a few weeks ago.
It's an aggregate, see...of puns...really simple puns...that give worms...to ex-girlfriends!
It's pretty groan and cringe worthy stuff.
Aaaaaand speaking of words that rhyme with "groan"....

Originally conceptualized as a book by Dan "The Slim, Fatal Blade" Delgado (no relation to Denise "The Butcher" Delgado) and then RE-conceptualized as a blog by Philip "Thundercat" Tucker, I am also happy to be named as a contributor to "Dead Ends", a blog that takes snapshots from people living in various stages of the Zombie Apocalypse...snapshots which would be included on the last page of the photo album...if you catch my drift.
At the time of writing, there are only four entries up, three from myself and one from Dan "The Dancing, Flickering Blade" Delgado (again, no relation to Denise "The Butcher" Degado) but there is another entry of Dan's and the same from me on the way.
Plus, we are open to adding contributor's.
No holds barred.
So, if you are into the Zombie Apocalypse and want to write about some poor, unfortunate bastard's end...you are welcome to join.
Just drop one of us an e-mail and start getting eschatologic on our asses.

In other, less bloggy news, about 7 of the 15 Manson tracks have leaked and it looks like this is going to be another disappointment.
Not as horrid and unlistenable as "Eat Me, Drink Me", but just a collection of unimpressive, easily forgotten Manson tracks.

In the realm of music that doesn't suck, this Saturday I will be "dropping some lyrics" onto Duck Jam/Duckernauts with Ray.
Prepare for testicular/labial puckering.

7:04 pm
Just got back from lunch.
Turns out, today was Spring.
Enjoy.

Tuna fish biscuits and Capathian kitten loss

4.14.09
10:09 pm

I wish I had an excellent entry to go with this excellent title.
But I do not.
So I'll just mumble a bit.
This weekend I did some work on Jess' song and it's going to be a winner.
A Grammy winner.
As in her Grammy will like it.

Had me first fun VO audition in recent memory today.
It was for some Canadian Internet provider called Shaw.and it consisted of three separate paragraphs, all tongue in cheek and clever.
I was directed to be a wiseass.
Oh Canada indeed.
Shaw makes Comcast look like...well...Comcast.

BUT, I actually had Y E T  A N O T H E R  Comcast audition on Monday (bringing my total to approximately "go fuck yourself Comcast") and, holy wet shit, they didn't have me read it.....friendly...not announcery...but with a hint of a smile...it was actually several different character voices talking about several different areas of Comcast's whatever it is they do and I got to do a wide variety of voices.
Way to go Comcast.
Let's see if you can't keep making good commercials or just stop bothering me.
Either way, I'm good.

Also, earlier today, a resident with dementia shambled into the Security office and demanded "tuna fish biscuits" get sent up to his floor.
I have latched onto that phrase, "tuna fish biscuits", like a lamprey and I want you to say it out loud once or twice and then just...groove.
It dances on your tongue like a tiny, tiny ballerina...

Also, for the next few days, I will be suffering from Carpathian kitten loss, thanks to Philip, who will also share in the grieving process.
Anyone else?
Will?
Are you a god?

Hi, we're New Zealand. We've seen Napoleon Dynamite. See?

4.10.09

3:43 pm

Before I got balls deep into Battlestar Galactica I had added the movie "Eagle Vs. Shark" to my Netflix.

It came in and Chris and I watched it over the weekend.

I later did some research and found out that the original title was to be "Napoleon Dynamite In New Zealand" and it was going to be the second in the Napoleon Dynamite series (here's a spoiler: they were going to have him spout off a lot of facts about Australia while in New Zealand).

It was going to be your typical fish out of water story but with that awkward character acting and 70's/80's/90's timesmear that Napoleon Dynamite forced a nation to fall in love with and quote incessantly for two years or so.

("Like Crocodile Dundee meet Napoleon Dynamite in reverse sort of" was one of the actual lines used in the original pitch).

Then the American studio said, "This is a god-awful retarded idea" and killed the project.

But New Zealand wanted the world to know how much they weren't just for jerkin-clad gay midgets and CG and how much they loved Napoleon Dynamite, so they got the most awkward, so-quirky-you'll-fart cast they could find and threw in some curse words and sex and violence ("America-ed it up" they said) and some overly indie, thinly veiled allegorical stop animation (the apples...represent the main characters!) and, voila, "Eagle Vs. Shark".

Or at least that's what I thought after seeing it.

Pour your sandwiches down on me.

4.9.09
10:04 pm

You know how people say "you learn something new every day"?
Well, I don't.
I really, really don't.
But today...I do.
I learned that, when it comes to being forced to order food delivered to my place of work, I no longer have to settle for greasy Chinese, greasy Italian, greasy Mexican or greasy deli.
I have discovered Seattle Cafe.
LAUGH!
SCOFF!
MAKE LIGHT!
"Ooooh, way to join 2002, Paul!  Do you like coffee?  Have you heard of this place Starbucks?  They make homosexual coffee! 'Tall' means 'small' there!"
I don't really care WHAT you think of me.
I have discovered a wonderful new alternative to my take out regimen.
They make paninis.
I like paninis.
They are not horribly overpriced nor are they greasy.
Hey Food Rut...prepare to become a notch deeper.
Bring on These Economics Times...I've got grilled chicken club sandwiches on focaccia, bitches.

In non-gastrointestinal news, I just finished the 7th or 8th to last Discworld book.
Man this guy is a brilliant humorist.
And he's going to die not knowing who he is or where he is.
That is utterly undeserving.
Why can't my enemies get the degenerative brain diseases?
Or even just some random asshole?
Why Terry "I'm Smart and Funny" Pratchett?
Hey, I know a certain crackhead who'd look just great lying in a gutter covered in his own bodily waste...

Had seven auditions last week ranging from Com-goddamn-motherfuckin'-cast legal copy to eating a fake burger and yelling "DANGUS!" at the top of my voice on camera.
May have snagged one, but who knows...
One in seven, people keep telling me, is pretty impressive.
At some point, I might even believe them.

Going back to all that music blither blather: the new Depeche Mode has leaked and it is some of their best stuff in years, plus six of the fifteen new Manson tracks have also leaked...they're...hm.
They're better than everything off  'Eat Me, Drink Me' (which, apparently Manson also thought sucked, because on his most recent tour he played only TWO songs from it each night), but none of them can hold a candle to anything off 'Antichrist Superstar'.
One or two Tori tracks leaked as well.
Straight up adult contemporary.
I hope the whole thing doesn't sound like them.
Still chomping at the bit RE: the new eels.
There's some half hour "making of the album" doc that will probably come out with the album.
Looks pretty masturbatory, but E has made his career out of having people watch him bleed and cry and masturbate, so no problems here.
The trailer to it has some of another new song, "Tremendous Dynamite", a song whose title has, sadly, written a check the song itself cannot cash.
But "Fresh Blood" is BEATING BEYONCE on AOL's Top 40 this week.
THAT is something to freak out about as eels has always been a smaller band, even though you've probably heard they're music in ALL the Shrek movies, Road Trip and a bunch of other places you wouldn't expect to hear it.
This just means more people for E to isolate.
Way to do it, E, you bearded cantankerous old misanthrope.
I say okay.

I Just Got Punched By A Crackhead

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4.7.09

9:32 pm

This is all absolutely goddamn true.

Coming back into my job after my lunch break, I approached the swinging doors in the vestibule that lead me into the hallway outside the security office, in which I work.

I reached the doors and pulled the left one open.

A short man with his head down came barreling out and ran right into my chest.

I said, "Excuse m-" then I felt something hit my stomach.

A man behind this punchy little fellow said,"Whoa, whoa, calm down man!"

It was right around then I realized that this fucking cunt rag had punched me!

Punched!

ME!

I was SO utterly SHOCKED!

No one has consciously tried to punch me since the 4th grade so I was literally standing there gape-mouthed while this scrappy thing was slowly backing away (I don't think he had seen who he'd hit as his head was down and he may have, just then, noticed that he'd struck a guy two and a half times his size).

I said, "What the fuck?!" more out of genuine puzzlement that belligerence.

"Got in my WAY, man..." he reasonably explained.

Then Sergeant Mann came into the vestibule and told him to get the fuck out.

I asked Sarge who this guy was as we went back inside.

He told me he was a crackhead who had come in with his friend  to smoke crack in the bathroom.

He'd noticed that they looked...well, like actual crackheads, people addicted to crack, and told them they could use the bathroom if they left their coats and bags at the security station.

They had agreed and went to the bathroom.

The Sergeant, having a pretty clear idea that they were, indeed, going to try to use drugs in the bathroom, stood outside the door and overhead the short, scrappy gentleman asking, in Spanish, for the stuff.

The other one said it was in the bags that they'd left at the security station.

You see the problem?

So, apparently, I had just walked in as Sarge told them they'd have to leave.

I then asked Sarge if he saw that guy hit my in the gut.

His eyes widened.

"When?!"

"Just now.  The little fucker."

"Why didn't you tell me then?!"

"Why? What were you going to do?"

"Kick his punk ass!"

Then came the lengthy discussion about what I should have done: taken him apart, pretended to fall down and get hurt thus getting paid disability or receiving compensation from the Hospital, restraining him while the police were called (since the Sarge knew these guys had drugs on them that would have been pretty detrimental I'd imagine), a combination of all three and a variety of other ploys and tactics.

Oh, to have those 30 seconds back.

I am still, three hours later, just shocked.

This chickenhead little cocksucker!

Hitting me!

Man.

I must say my general good feeling towards the crackhead community has greatly been reduced.

A Weensy Addendum

4.2.09
8:09 pm
Forgot to mention the last track on "LotusFlow3r", 'No More Candy 4 U' is fucking awesome.
If Prince could be MORE like Little Richard...well, this is that song.

And also that the first single Manson plans to release from "The High End of Low" (as in the song that will herald a new Marilyn Manson album and be played on the radio and have a music video to be shown...wherever music videos are now shown) is called 'Arma-goddamn-motherfucking-geddon', which, of course, on the radio and TV will be called Arma-*******-*************-geddon and will obviously have a huge silence in the middle of the chorus, which features Manson yelling the song's title four times in a row.
He did this a few albums ago when he released 'This Is The New Shit' as the first single off "The Golden Age of Grotesque' as either 'This Is The New ****' or (and this is worse) 'This Is The New Hit'.
*sigh*
Way to shoot yourself in the goddamn motherfucking foot.

After the fires, before the flood...

4.1.09
6:54 pm
This summer...is pregnant with music.
And the first baby has already been born.
It is called "LotusFlow3r".
It's Prince's 37th album and 19th double album to date.
It's a Prince album.
It's Prince doing R&B, jazz and funk.
Some tracks have words, some do not.
GOD damn is he prolific.
If ANY of the five bands I love were this prolific, shit, I'd probably get sick of them.
Like most recent Prince albums, there are one or two good songs, but no Hits.
I don't know if he's really going for Hits any more though.
I think he is just making music for the sake of music, which is a really amazing feat and I hope he never stops.
He has a cover of "Crimson & Clover"...well, the first third of it anyway; then he just makes sweet, sweet love to his guitar...which you can see if you look up in the air.
Some pretty, simple songs are scattered amongst the semi-lite-jazz and radio friendly funk along with some straight up Prince shrieking goodness.
But again, nothing so stand out.
Although there is a new lyric (from the genuinely heartwarming "4ever")  to be added to the Book:
"Stop lookin' at me like that unless you gonna bite that"
Is Prince indicating that he KNOWS about the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse?
What role does he play?
Good...or evil?

Then we have (that I'm aware of) five more sprogs to be dropped:

Depeche Mode "Sounds of the Universe" 4/21
God what a ridiculous title.
They've released one single thus far (called 'Wrong' and it's nothing to shake trees about) with the requisite nine drum and bass remixes on it.
Leave it to Depeche Mode to continue releasing CD singles.
I'm not complaining, I loved going around to every store in New York looking in the "Import Single" section for random Beck b-sides or EU eels maxi CDs.
The continual digitization of music has made it easier to get stuff, but less fun.
I just wish I gave more of a shit about Depeche Mode.
I think they may have peaked with "Songs of Faith and Devotion" with the occasional glimmer on "Ultra" and a glint here and there on "Exciter" and "Playing the Angel".

Peaches "I Feel Cream" 5/4
Based on the three tracks up on her myspace, I'm pretty certain that this is going to be a Peaches album.

Tori Amos "Abnormally Attracted to Sin" 5/19
Haven't heard anything of or from this yet.
If "American Doll Posse" is any indication, it's going to recapture some of the amazing stuff she used to do, but also have some of that adult contemporary flavor that you REALLY have to be in the mood for.
I have to say that "American Doll Posse" made me believe that Tori Amos can still make vital sounding music.
Still waiting for that Reznor/Amos piano centered collaboration though...

Marilyn Manson "The High End of Low"5/19
And speaking of misery...
Manson has released one track thus far, 'We're From America', so this might all be moot, a swallow does not a summer make and all that.
Musically, it is rather interesting, a return, somewhat, to the sound of "Antichrist Superstar"', but less gritty and...good; lyrically, however it's made up of his "clever" turns of phrase such as "we don't believe in credibility/because we're fucking incredible" and "we're from America/where we turn literature into litter" ZING! and his "shocking" world view (which he'll sing twice...so you can do a double take...because you're so shocked) such as "we don't kill our babies/we need them to grow up and fight our wars".
Whoa, Marilyn, that's pretty scathing...for the 1960's.
I think Manson should just stop trying to shock people and just make some interesting music like he used to.
Stop trying to shock listeners; after the election of a black President and the proliferation of 2 Girls, 1 Cup you're just wasting your breath, try to make something creepy and compelling like "Antichrist Superstar".
And lose the bad puns.
If I want bad puns, I'll just go here .
DOUBLE ZING!!

eels "Hombre Lobo" 6/2
Why is it always the most anticipated album that comes out last?
I would gladly give up three of the above releases to get this album sooner.
I've been trepidacious ever since I saw that the first eels album in 2 years after their 2-disc 30+ track "Blinking Lights" would only have 12 tracks.
Then I saw the title, album art and track listing and, as odd as this may seem, may spirits lifted.
Last night, E posted a track from the album.
The track is called "Fresh Blood" and it has made me ready for this album, now.
It's very eels, but in an immediately accessible and enjoyable way.
There's always some trepidation when it comes to a new eels album.
It took a while for me to love all of "Electro-Shock Blues" and even longer to love "Daises of the Galaxy" (and I still skip 'Estate Sale').
E has a tendency to drastically switch formats from release to release (as anyone who has seen them live more than once will tell you) and while each release and performance will be distinctly eels, some incarnations are more eels than others.
Dig?
E is just the man.
I think that may be it.
Another added jot of excitement; I, as Spanish as Norway, thought the album meant "wolf man" or "Mr. Wolf", but apparently, it means "werewolf".
Something about E singing "12 song of desire" as a werewolf...it just feels right.
Go check out 'Fresh Blood' and tell me you don't pop a musical boner.

Mickey Avalon's New Album Summer '09
Sort of an afterthought.
I'd say four or five of the tracks on his debut are truly memorable and the new single off this one (entitled 'Fuckin' 'Em All') has a delightfully Mickey Avalon music video to go with it.
It really could go either way and while I can't hope for a new 'My Dick', this guy knows how to party: with Salvia and whores.

Soulless? Moi?

Chris found this today.
Greg Brunkalla is the guy who directed the Nike "One Muscle" thing.
He's also plays Kevin.
Also found out that he directed the Saul Williams' video for 'List of Demands', the video that got Reznor interested in Saul Williams and lead to Niggy Tardust.
CHOMP.

Diesel's New Dark
The denim brand drops some surreal webfilms.
By: Nick Parish
A puppet made of meat, a sleepy-eyed lass in a bathtub of hair, hooded, half-nude contestants in a dungeon dance contest--all these strange, wacked-out notions are elements in Diesel's new homepage initiative, V.

The video content effort is the first from Swedish shop Farfar as Diesel's AOR, after the much-awarded Heidies "15 MB of Fame" and a nine-shop pitch to win the business earlier this year, and consists of several shows. "Dance Party," the aforementioned twisted reality show, brought a group of dancers into a basement studio and then forced them to dance, hooded, with a soulless voice directing them. "Corner Time" sees a series of various hucksters dispatch self-improvement methods, "Pete the Meat Puppet" chronicles one carne character's rise, fall and rise again and "Hair Bath" sees a heavy-lidded hostess implore viewers to send their hair to a P.O. box in Hillsdale, New Jersey so she can lounge in the tub with it.

The webfilms were executed in part by Legs, a new creative and production studio, part of the Milk Group in New York, consisting of Georgie Greville, Greg Brunkalla, Geremy Jasper and Adam Joseph. Greville and Jasper directed and wrote at MTV, respectively (you'll remember Jasper, who penned the music to "Pete the Meat Puppet," as the creator and songwriter behind MTV's Chunky Pam and founder of rock group The Fever and Greville for her Iggy-inspired short for Milk's casting service, House). Brunkalla is a director who got his start at @radical.media and also edits and Joseph, executive producer/director of creative content at Legs, is a former MTV casting director.

"The whole project was a gigantic collaboration for us," the Legs group writes. "Greg and Georgie would usually direct, Geremy would co-direct and be head writer and Adam, in the executive producer role, would oversee everything and manage our factory-like space."

A team from Farfar joined Legs at Milk HQ as they shot elements of the campaign inside the gallery/fashion/casting/production hub, going for a black and white, vintage feel for the strange tales, which have a feel to them not unlike John Waters meeting Tay Zonday in a Toys-R-Us unisex bathroom. The brief, the collective writes, was "a black and white 30-page PDF with super ambitious ideas for content of all shapes and sizes from short films to propaganda pieces to live interactive shows, all making up this surreal and mysterious internet TV station."

Judging from the initial content, 'surreal TV' is being achieved. Some of that stems from the real feel to the segments. For instance, "Corner Time," which, according to Legs, was unscripted and relied on casting guru types for its strange vibe. "Dance Party," however, took aspiring dancers and put them into a crazy, mixed-up world. In their underwear.

"There was a great moment when we first started shooting in the basement, where Adam was intensely interrogating all the dancers behind a blaring light. They became sincerely frightened and actually believed that they were being abducted into some sort of dangerous cult ritual. That was exciting. A bunch of them admitted to our PAs that they were legitimately freaked out when it was being shot. I guess being led around in your underwear with a bag over your head is a bit of a compromising situation."

Feel le pain.

Plato was a Douchbag.

3.24.09

3:16 pm

And here is why:

He whipped up this idea of the Ideal being utterly unattainable.

He said the Ideal versions of Everything was chained up in a cave somewhere and all we see are their shadows.

The shadows on the wall.

Et cetera.

This was a total dick move.

Because of this boyfondler's musings, THE ENTIRE THINKING POPULACE believed that nothing would ever be perfect in life.

Merely a goddamn shadow.

An impression.

A disappointment.

What a Greek douchbag.

Also, you ever feel as if you like the idea of a person more than you like that actual person?

As in, you like talking about them and thinking about them but when it comes down to actually spending time with them the experience lacks a certain...something?

That the mental picture tends to become the Ideal and you're really just hanging out with the shadow? 

Sometimes I feel like that.

On both sides, depending on the situation.

Fucking Plato.

As for my weekend?

I spent twenty four hours straight playing Fallout 3.

Twenty four.

Hours.

Straight.

During that time, I ate four Tim Tams, drank about 6 glasses of water and ate a bowl of Basic 4 with whole milk.

Twenty four hours.

It was...whew.

It was deliciously reminiscent of college.

Specifically the times we all (Mike, Dylan, Alex and Ryan) stayed up and played GTA III and, later, GTA: Vice City and also the time we watched the first season of 24 in twenty eight hours.

Then there was that time we got drunk off Peach Schnapps and played Tekken 2 until five in the morning.

But THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

Just the shadow of it.

Fucking boytoucher.

3.19.09

4:46pm

First: holy shit, it's already the end of March.

Then: I downloaded Chris Cornell's new album "Scream" last week after the Onion gave it a D- or something along those lines.

I'll just get right to it: Timbaland is not a magic wand.

In the right situation, he can do some amazing stuff and what he does just works perfectly with someone else's music.

The tracks he's done with Bjork, Justin Timberlake and M.I.A. are good (although his "rap" in M.I.A.'s Come Around is wholly shit) because they have all, at times, had a very "Timbaland friendly" way of making music.

As in you can dance to it.

But KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS.

Timbaland did all the beats on Cornell album and it all just sounds kind of like a musical joke.

I'll admit I know very little about Chris Cornell.

He was in Soundgarden and I dug some of their stuff although 'Black Hole Sun' was played out for me after the fourth time I'd heard it.

Then he was in Audioslave and I didn't really care.

Then he did the theme for Casino Royale.

I thought it was straightforward and perfect for the tone of the movie.

Then this?

I don't think I've heard more than one or two instances of guitar on this thing..

It's really like Chris Cornell did a bunch of vocals and gave them to Timbaland to place over his least creative beats.

And it has one of the worst "hip hop devices" ever.

The one where, during a quiet part of the song, the producer talks.

Just rambles about something like he's afraid of the silence.

So, in the title track, which is about getting yelled at by someone standing really close to you and not liking that, there is a break between the first chorus and second verse in which Timbaland says something along the lines of:

"Yo girl...why you gotta scream...you see me standing right here...yeah...Chris, sing the second verse..."

Like, the song was 99% done and they were in the studio being like "Mmmm...I don't know Timba...it's almost done...but something's missing..."

And Timba was like "Yo, Chris...I got this."

Ignore this.

8:04pm

If you ever find yourself embroiled in a situation where you must prove someone's essential humanity, I have developed a litmus test for just such an occasion:

Play them 'Hey Jude'.

If they do not sing along with the last four minutes or so, they are not human.

Also, if you play them 'Take On Me' and they do not "air keyboard" along with the keyboard solo.

You'll thank me when this test exposes a replicant in your midst.

And finally...

http://www.crystalheadvodka.com/

He is living the goddamn dream.

And you are drinking his goddamn head vodka.

I'm in the mood for love...SIMPLY...because you're near me!!

3.18.09
9:21pm
THAT is how powerful your sexy is!

Mere proximity encourages full turgidity!

Congrats!

Big MUNNY!

The song isn't "I'm in the mood for love, simply because you're clutching my John Johnson", NO!

We're talking lonely-inexperienced-teenage-boy-watching-his-secret-crush-buy-an-apple-from-the-cafeteria-fruit-stand reaction here!

Cannae control his self!

He cannae doot!

He cannae!!

That's what you're working with...ON A DAILY BASIS.

Shiz, niz, I'd never get anything done!

The merest hint of a reflective surface and I'd be off like pants afire!

Whoosh!

Porkchop sandwiches!

No mirrors or spoons allowed!

Done!

Now...you might (but are most likely not) be asking: Paolo, why be you so happy, eh? What deal be? Good hair day? GREAT hair day? Just how great...IS your hair today? Me want know! Me want know NOW!"

You MIGHT be thinking that.

And, let me tell you, it has nothing at all to do with my hair.

Unless you're referring to the "hair-like" axons in my brain as "hair"...which would be convoluted at best.

No, I'm not even having that great of a day, really.

Just sort of a regular type day groove.

But here's the thing...

On Sunday, Ray lent me Fallout 3, a HUGE (in the sense of width, depth and breadth) PS3 game which I have been enjoying ever since.

It takes place in a post-apocalyptic landscape etc etc.

I have also been watching Battlestar Galactica (and enjoying it) in which two main characters were boxing in a recent episode.

I have ALSO also been watching the start of the third "volume" of Heroes, in which this bald pyrokenetic showed up who reminds me of Butterbean (the redneck boxer guy).

All these components were mushed together into a tasty little botargo upon which I nibbled last night (well, this morning actually.  I played Fallout from 1 in the morning to 7ish today).

And the result?

My brain is convinced of something that is not happening and may never happen, but it has greatly improved my outlook on life.

At least temporarily.

And hey, if you're not living in the now, you're probably dead or an accountant.

I am neither, so I am happy.

Just a long, tangential romp to say just how much I dig my brain at this particular moment.

Go brain!

Go!!

And.  There's.  More.

Even though I have just recently finished the Inchoate Trilogy, I had another idea "just pop in there" like Ray (Stanz, not Zablocki) calling up the image of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at the end of Ghostbusters.

A hell of a long time ago, I decided to try to decode an Edward Gorey piece entitled The Chinese Obelisk.

In it, birdlike creatures fly past shattered or incomplete stone structures on a grayish background with strips of cloth in their mouths.

On each piece of cloth is a word.

There are about 80 total.

The words range from the mundane (glue) to the superarchaic (imbat) to the arboreal (jequirity) to the astronomical (gegenschein) and everywhere in between.

I had copied down each of the words to find definitions because I was excited to tighten my grasp on the English language.

Then I forgot about the project utterly.

Until today.

My new project will be called "The Chinese Obelisk" and will consist of 23 short films based on 23 of the words from Gorey's piece.

While the Inchoate Trilogy was never really meant to be taken seriously in ANY way, shape or form, these will actually have something more to them.

At least I hope.

These are going to range from shorts to soundscapes to whatever I think fits the word in question.

It should keep me busy for a while.

Along with that, I laid some vocals down (that means recorded some vocals to those not "in the biz"..."the biz" meaning the entertainment industry) on Ray's (Zablocki, not Stanz) sonic gangbang the other day (the working title is "Duckernauts") and, just yesterday, I wrote full on lyrics for it.

He and I will reconvene to record them soon.

At the same session, I also recorded some lyrics I'd had written for some months for a song called "These Are Some Things".

It's all mine and, at some point, that's going to pop up on the George Washington Diarrhea myspace site.

AND, there is a certain special li'l hedgehog out there who will soon have her very own theme song, although I think ditty fits more with the music and tone of the thing.

But I don't think she even knows this journal exists so this paragraph is thus rendered moot.

TASTE the mootness.

Mmmm...mooty.

Also yesterday, my shimmering, glimmering O&O managed to Morselate the anus of the Internet and score her and I two tickets each to two dates on what is to be the last Nine Inch Nails tour for what might be a very long time.

They are touring with Jane's Addiction (which I give not a shit about) and, yes, they're calling it the NIN/JA tour.

Merch stand, here I come.

Then there's the Cake show a week before the NIN show.

Not sure I mentioned this, but I haven't seen them in OVER ten years.

I hear John McCrea has become less of a douchebag, to his fans at least.

They're playing at Terminal 5 where Chris and I saw eels on their last tour and it's a great venue.

It's strange, I always held Cake and eels on the same level of fame in my mind and the fact that they are both playing at the same place just cements that construct.

What's ALSO strange is that THREE of my favorite bands got Grammy nominations this years as well.

Rock on, synchronicity.

And speaking of which, TMBG is having their sixth in an apparently never-ending series of shows at Le Poisson Rouge (and their seventh is planned for the Saturday after the Cake show).

Not sure if I'm going.

Quite frankly, there's no one left to go with.

I've gone to four of the six thus far and had a great time at each, but I'd also been with one or more people at each one.

I'll play it by ear.

Next, the Ghostbusters video game, which is fully sanctioned by, written by and voice acted by all four of the original cast plus Walter Peck and Janine Melnitz is coming out in June and I am pretty goddamn excited.

Even more so since Ray (Zablocki, not Stanz) informed me that, because of all the hype surrounding the game (which was to replace a third movie), they are actually going to do a third Ghostbusters movie.

Normally, I would have a violently adverse reaction to this based on such brilliant let's-do-the-sequel-over-two-motherfucking-decades-after-the-last-one-came-out examples such as Indiana Jones, Star Wars and whatever other bags of shit the Hollywood childrapers are responsible for bringing us, but Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis are SO dedicated to the source material that I can't see this turning bad.

One thing though: if there is even a whisper of aliens being included in the script...I will kill Dan Akroyd and that bee stung tubster Harold Ramis with my bare, throbbing erection.

The game is being released in conjunction with the Blu Ray version of the original Ghostbusters movie.

Teh w00t.

And finally, Philip and I were jabbering the other day and stumbled upon the fact that so many (all?) Prince lyrics could be adopted as mission statements, mottos, life lessons, religious tenants etc.

Here's a handful:

"If it breaks when it bends, you'd better not put it in."

"Look up in the air! It's your guitar!"

Call (in ecstatic, zealous tones): "You could be the President!"

Response (smug, dismissive): "I'd rather be the Pope."

"We don't have to make children to make love. And we don't have to make love to have an orgasm."

"I don't want to take my clothes off...but I've got to..."

Pick and choose, combine them all or find your own: if you take His words to heart, then you will truly be His Chosen.

But you can't touch people who aren't Jehovah's Witnesses.

Or at least I think that's how it goes.

There was a Jehovah's Witness working here when I started and she wouldn't touch ANYONE unless they were also Chosen.

Or maybe she was just a bitch.

For more information about the Church of Purple, go and watch Graffiti Bridge.

It's fucking horrible, but you get to see a "spiritual" Prince.

Warning: it's creepier than "normal" Prince.

That's all.

Go in Peace, to Love and Serve the Lord.

*sigh*

3.17.09

10:50pm

Heh.

Just overheard this at tonight's security briefing:

A resident was given a sleeping pill.

He was then allowed (by the same people who gave him this sleeping pill) to go, unsupervised, to the Smoke Room (where residents can smoke cigarettes).

About a half hour after this, a visitor contacted security and informed them that, as they were leaving the building, they shared an elevator with a resident in a wheelchair who appeared to be dead.

A few minutes later, security found this resident, as asleep as a human being can be, alone in the elevator, slumped over in his chair.

He had been alone, asleep on the elevator, for fifteen minutes.

The nurses on the floor admitted to giving him the sleeping pill and then leaving him to his own devices.

And nothing will happen to them.

Fubar uber alles.

Let's Get Inchoate

3.12.09
9:03pm

Sending out a Facebook thing in regards to this, so I'll just touch on it here.
THE INCHOATE TRILOGY IS NOW UP.

All right.
Just so.
In other news, I discovered today that Gorillaz is indeed releasing a third album.
That makes me all happy n stuff because, while it isn't always the best music, it's big fun getting lost in the mythos associated with the band.
I enjoy getting caught up in mythoses.
Mythoi?
Hm.

Since I last posted, I've finished Lost District and it made my very soul tired and cold.
Way to kill the sun, Joel Lane.
I then picked up and finished Alex Garland's The Tesseract which came very, very highly recommended by one Wade, Jessica AKA Deadpool AKA The Jesseract.
Although she was unable to recount a SINGLE REASON WHY, she insisted it was an excellent, brilliant, etc. book.
It was all right.
The ending was better than the beginning and that's a shame since the ending was about 9 pages.
I don't want to sound like I'm dissing her though; I want to make it clear that when certain people recommend books to me (namely those in the book business, people I know who have the same taste as me, people I know who actually write and write well or the occasional, mythic person who embodies all three of these traits in a wonderful Simpatico Smoothie) I expect them to be nothing short of amazing.
ESPECIALLY if they actually say the book they are recommending is, in fact, amazing.
Next on the docket is Diamond Age by Stephenson (recommended by Colin).
I think there were a few others floating around out there, but I'll need to check in with my tastemakers.

Saw Watchmen on Sunday.
That Ackerman chick needs to die.
Or just stop talking, whichever.
Yes, she had great breasts and a pert little tush, but a nice set and an picturesque bottom DO NOT a good actor make.
And the three and half minute bone scene do not make up for the rest the movie in which she is clothed and talking.
So few actors have what I call the Total Package.
I think it's just me and...well, Harrison Ford and me, that's it.
Don't hate us because we're beautiful.
LOVE us because we're beautiful.
You guys gotta get ORGANIZED.
FOCUS.
Other than her loud sucking throughout, I thought they did an all right job with this thing.
Rorschach was perfect.
Comedian was perfect.
If you nail those guys, you can afford some imperfections along the way.
But god damn I hated that chick.

Saw the aforementioned Terminator trailer with the NIN song in it.
Man I love hearing Nine Inch Nails on huge goddamn speakers...

Also started watching The Boondocks and Battlestar Galactica.
Enjoying both for different reasons.

Downloaded the third "volume" of Heroes because I liked the first and second just fine.
Might wait until I get tired of BSG (or al least fatigued) before I pick it up though.
BSG has my enjoying it at the moment, so I'll be happy to leave well enough.
Alone.

Also also watched the first season of the Britcom "Peep Show".
Of course I like it and, of course, only season one (of its four or five seasons) is on DVD here in the US.
Something about the main character Mark is very familiar and depressing.
He reminds me of me, somewhat, in high school.
Very depressing.
Very.

Happened to hear GNR's 'Estranged' on my iPod earlier this week.
Say what you will about Chinese Democracy (uh, yeah, I know I said I would give it another chance, but that hasn't happened yet) but they HAD IT back in the early 90's.
That song is just so everything-you-want-in-a-GNR-song song.
The fucking things is over NINE MINUTES LONG, there's at least three guitar solos, the chord progression is exactly what it should be, Axl counts off during it, he plays piano, he sing about water imagery, death imagery and death-in-water imagery.
It's THE DEFINITION of what a Guns N Roses song should be.
AND, it has a correlation with me.
Check it out...
So, the videos for Don't Cry, November Rain and Estranged form a triptych (at least according to MTV and Axl Rose.
Estranged was the final piece of the puzzle.The third and final installment.
Know anyone else that's recently finished a third and final installment of something?
I don't know.
Just symbolic, you know?
Not really, but, you know?
Come on, COME ON!

Yesterday was quite a talky day!
Had lunch with Jade (who is Aussietastic and was able to answer my question about how Australians in general feel with regards to Flight of the Conchords (enjoyment)), had an in-depth conversation about something or other with Colin which was interrupted, in the best sense of the word, by a call from Jeannie who I spoke to for quite some time after which I ate some very nice Chinese food, only to be interrupted AGAIN, by Philip chiming in my ears.
Very talky.
Spoke again with Mme. Radbill this evening and I hope to continue doing so.
She is one of the best and falling out of touch with her is always a bummer.

Anything else of note?
Mmmm....went to a party on Saturday.
It was....a party.
The hour disappeared while I was there.
Yep.
You COULD say the party was so good that it actually distorted the time/space continuum.
Although I would probably correct you.
And call you a fucking idiot.
But, hey, that's just me, not saying I would for sure, but also not saying I wouldn't.
Or something.
Ease up, hombre.

Ah, that triggered something.
Eels has FINALLY announced the new album.
It's called "Hombre Lobo: 12 Songs of Desire" and it's coming out June 2nd.
I'm ambivalent because I'm obviously excited for the new eels, but I'm also setting myself up for disappointment because the last eels album was this incredibly beautiful double album and this is only 12 tracks.
Who knows, maybe it will be 12 tracks of pure gold.
The same thing happened when NIN announced their first album after The Fragile.
BUT E has stated that he has another full album finished, so maybe he'll drop something before four more years have passed.

Along with the new eels, there's a new Manson album in the works coming out right before Hombre Lobo.
It has most of the production team from Antichrist Superstar, one of the only great Manson albums.
Could this be a return to form?
Maybe if Manson stops drinking so much goddamn absinthe.
This is the first album written with Twiggy in about ten years as well.
If Twiggy picked anything up from Reznor while he was with NIN, then this new Manson project just might be listenable.
How cool would that be?
Manson actually returning from this ridiculous nose dive he's been in for so many years?
Yowza.

All right.
That's it.
Go watch the Inchoate Trilogy.
And feel just awful about it.

The Inchoate Trilogy Trailer

Trailer is up here-->  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WhyH91E8vE
Also, relive my worst nightmares here--> http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=PaulGuyet&view=playlists