I Am Waiting For A Bus

1.29.09

7:38pm

I have had a headache for over a week.

It comes and goes, but always, it is there...eating my brain like the Conqueror Worm.

I wish it was a tumor so I could just kill myself and get it over with.

Orgasms and generic ibuprofen seem to stave it off for a while though, so.

Next.

I have been seeing these new Pepsi ads that contain the new logo.

I'd like to repeat here some of the slogans without the eye-catching and very expensive graphic design that usually accompanies them:

"Sooooooweet"

"pop pop pop"

and

"Yo"

I enjoy that the first one kind of sounds like a pig call.

Someone was given a fucktoin of money to "design" these.

Fuck you and give me some.

Finally (FINALLY) had a really great moment today.

Last night, I found out about a Battleship audition today (they are re-re-reinventing the classic plastic-pegs-in-plastic-boats game) for which they were looking for a Don LaFontaine movie trailer voice.

In case you don't know who that is...well, you obviously haven't been watching TV, movies or listening to the radio for the last fifty years.

In a nutshell, he's the guy that people are imitating when they start off a faux movie trailer by saying "in a world..."

He was one of the highest paid actors (let alone voice actors) in the world and now he's dead.

Today, I was told that I sounded just like him in the audition and that I should have a future in his area.

That, is the coolest thing anyone in the business has ever said to me.

Now if only Milton Bradley will agree with this producer and give me summa dat CHEEEEZ.

Seeing They Might Be Giants on Saturday (Jess' first TMBG concert!) and Michael Ian Black on Sunday.

And I will drink my weight in blood...I swear it...

Out.

Batman Vs. X-Men Vs. The Terrible Smell Permeating The Upper East SideVs. Misc. Etc

1.21.09

3:13 pm

Couple.

Of things.

First, got cable installed by a surly and world weary dude this morning.

Immediately wondered why.

Flipped through the assorted 350+ channels and continued to wonder why.

Got the COMPLETE Batman: The Animated Series for my Birthday.

17 discs.

109 episodes.

I've probably seen 100 of them more than three times, but goddamn it that a solid show.

I watched the first episode (with the original voice actor for Alfred...who sucked) and the nostalgia was sweet like some sweet thing I used to enjoy while watching the show.

1992.

Wow.

I have also, recently, been watching the X-Men animated series which was on around that time, but on Saturday mornings as opposed to weekday afternoons.

The X-Men show has NOT held up but the Batman show is still freaking tight as a turtle.

I think it has everything to do with the stylization of Batman.

The show doesn't feel dated because it's always in the 40's (the 40's without robots and lasers and stuff).

Also, the first Batman episode just jumps right in, no lengthy, heavy-handed introductions, whereas the X-Men show ran over and over the fact that they are mutants and hated and Rogue can't touch people and Wolverine is REALLY angry and Jean Grey can't do ANYTHING without fainting and Professor X is an asshole because he's always sending Storm into situations where her claustrophobia will cripple her and endanger the rest of the team and Gambit wants to FUCK, NOW and no one ever uses their powers to their full extent and blah blah blah.

I do enjoy the sheer volume of X-Men and random Marvel characters they'll just toss in though.  There's a cameo from Nick Fury and War Machine for Christ' sake.  That's always fun for a fan to be like, "I have seen that character in comic books!" or some other equally powerful declaration.

In fact, I actually had a dream relating to the X-Men last night... it was some sort of new animated series...all I really remember is Gambit using dice at one point and Cyclops blasting the shit out of Sinister.

There was a HUGE fight.

Pretty cool.

Quite frankly, I'm more excited about Batman than cable.

THE TELEVISION SERVICE, NOT THE MYSTERIOUS TIME TRAVELING MUTANT!!!

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I can see how you might have made that mistake.

Changing gears RATHER quickly (keep up children...), I watched The Boondock Saints a few nights ago for the first time in years.

That is quite a bad movie.

I mean, it's great for what it is, a massive-cock-action movie, but every moment of it tries waaay too hard to be genuine.

I'm wondering if the sequel is going to be gently mocking the original and actually strive to be a good movie, or if they are going to just try to out-cock themselves.

Apparently the writer and director (Troy "How Irish Can I Get?!" Duffy) burned all his bridges by being a douche.

As long as Willem Dafoe makes out with another gangster, I'm down.

*SHUDDER*

Next, right outside the Hospital today, I saw a snowball fight turn into a fist fight within a matter of seconds.

Jesus loves the little chiiiildren.

But I don't.

If only they exploded on impact.

That would be awesome.

POP

SPOOT

And finally, Will, I want a Google X-Prize awarded for tracking, cataloguing and eliminating the homeless/vomit/garbage smell permeating the Upper East Side.

It's like the diametric opposite of the lovely syrup smell that occasionally engulfs the city as if we are some huge, dirty pancake covered in angry, polyglot ants.

Finally for real, I have been listening to the New Pornographers today.

Their hopeless and peppy melancholy fits my woke-up-too-early-for-Mr.-Surly-the-Cable-Man mind state.

And "Stacked Crooked" might be my favorite NP song.

Think that might be it...you lucky frog you...

Chupa chupa.

1.20.09

9:20 pm

Ah, sweet, succulent resolution.

Like pulled pork for the soul.

Not really, I'm just passing this whole shit burger into someone else' hands...GOD'S.

Let go and let god.

Man that is freaky.

Like, I picture some crazy Southern Baptist mother with a car full of screaming children just taking her pudgy,  fish-belly white hands off the wheel, rolling her eyes skyward and muttering that under her breath while the car goes through the guard rail and into the ravine or river or some other geological formation starting with an 'r'.

Is a river a geological formation?

Is you is or is you ain't my baby?

And are these two gentlemen in the security office real human beings or just doing impressions of African American stereotypes from the 1920's?

I'll never ask.

SO glad I can't materialize weapons with a thought.

And speaking of materializing whatever it was I just said, tomorrow, I'm getting cable.

350+ channels, 14 of which I'll actually watch.

Welcome to the future.

Oh, also found out a little more info about my Burger King radio thing.

Apparently it is playing in two "major markets" (or so they are called on the paperwork) called Albuquerque and Flint.

Now, I have NO clue what that means, but I certainly hope this fucking thing is playing in more than just TWO cities in the fucking country.

And why Michigan and New Mexico?

My hopes are that those are the names of regions, rather than actual cities.

I also learned that They Who Program Commercials have the ability to play this one until August 2010.

And finally, I am indeed getting residuals.

In other words: cha-CHING.

Hopefully.

If my voice ends up giving children seizures or something maybe less cha-CHING than get that horrible man of the radio right this instant.

But,we'll see.

I have just eaten a burger and now I will continue reading Cloud Atlas.

One final thing, Will and Lady have set a date.

Come December 31st, 2009, I will be in another country.

AGAIN.

Holy fucking shit.

Woo hoo, Will and Lady, woo hoo, I say.

Some say it was a warning...

1.16.09

11:29am

First things first...yesterday on the train, I saw a little old Asian woman eat an entire apple in about 12 seconds.

I have no real feelings about this, but it was just impressive.

There was a slight hint of desperation under the efficient fervor though, as if someone were going to get on at the next stop and eat the apples of everyone who had them.

Or something else along those lines.

Along the lines of MTA Apple Police.

I then thought that the scene, a wizened Asian woman furiously devouring an apple, was a great symbol of something.

I don't know what though.

Maybe the Asian populace taking over New York City, but, as far as I know, that hasn't happened.

I am ill informed on such matters.

Very much so.

And I'm enjoying the cold.

I get to use ALL my big fluffy blankets with impunity.

With immunity from impunity, if you will.

I like the cold better than the hot anyway.

No matter how cold it gets, there is always a certain number of clothing, blankets, sweaters etc. that you can wrap yourself in to make yourself warm enough, but if it's too hot? You, my friend, are shut out of lick.

Also, I hate sweating unless I'm scrumping.

Hate it hate it hate it.

Sweating, not scrumping.

I like scrumping.

A lot.

Just finished reading Trainspotting.

When I first saw the movie waaaay back when, not only did I not understand two thirds of what was being said, but I didn't get why things were happening or why they were funny/emotional etc. except for the really obvious stuff (he pooped......IN THE BED!!!!).

A few months ago, I watched the movie again and understood the whole thing...except for a lot of the actual language. 

The intentions were clear just like they were clear in The Universal Language, but that accent?  Yeesh. 

So, in the book, the writer, Irvine Welsh, WRITES with the accent a lot of the time.

At first it was hilariously overwhelming, but then I got into it and just rolled with it.

The glossary at the end helped too although that was more for terms rather than normal words.

Those I had to sound out and it was fun.

Like learning to read again.

The effect was quite the opposite of finishing a Harry Potter book.

Whereas after Harry Potter and the Prancing Pumpkins or whatever, it's as if any book that isn't on the same literary level or lower is hard to read.

Not hard, but...well, sticky.

After Trainspotting though, everything seems TOO easy.

I like my brain and its sexy nooks and crannies.

Surprised to find that there is actually very little trainspotting done in the movie.

Surprised and disappointed.

Now I am reading Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell because both Phil and his uncle Martin raved about it over the holidays.

Glow sticks and all.

Digging it xmax so far.

Also picked up Snow Crash by this Neal Stevenson character I keep hearing people cream over.

I tried to read the Denis Leary book, but it's just not that funny.

It's way too obvious and just obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious.

In the introduction he even says you're gonna be offended and you're gonna laugh...a lot.

Way to believe your own hype.

I think the last time I was offended by anything was an episode of South Park.

They consistent offend me and therefore make me laugh.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the hell out of Denis Leary, but I suppose his stand up/comedy stuff has lost its edge since No Cure For Cancer.

I do love me some Rescue Me though.

Mucho.

Let's get the shiny people over here and the happy people over here.

I want two lines.

Speaking of two lines...I made my Birthday playlist yesterday during a lull at work.

Ha.

Yes, during that one lull...

"White Lines" is on it.

I'm pensive about this party.

No, not true.

I'm pensive about how certain people will react and behave around each other.

Why can't we all just get along with that which Paul wants?

Less of a WWPD?

More of a WWPWMTDFH, What Would Paul Want Me To Do.For Him

Is that selfish?

Ah ah ah...remember...WWPWMTDFH...

There we go.

Seriously though, I passed out once from drinking when I did that tequila thing and it was like time travel.

I boaked, fitted myself into the bathroom corner and then BLINK B.J. was waking me up some time later to bring me home.

All in all not a bad experience.

But again, how often to people REALLY completely forget things?

Pale, pale excuse.

But, what does that indicate?

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

Planning on rejoining the Club because I miss swimming.

In a clean pool.

With naked, wrinkly old men.

*SHUDDER*

Birthday Birthday Borthday.

My son is also named Bort.

Say what you will about Dunking Doughknots, but when they make (microwave) that sausage, egg and cheese on a croissant right it's fucking magic.

The indigestion is also magic.

Like a burning leprechaun dancing up and down the length of my esophagus.

Burny O'Toole.

Stompy McPain

Ouchy McFuckoff

The Prince Thing went rather well I thought.

Got to know Emily a bit better.

Got to spend some time with Kaitlyn and Christina Nongirlfriend.

Reminded of why I'm friends with them.

Still haven't seen Graffiti Bridge.

Not sure I want to.

1990 was a weird year for Prince and I don't think I know any of his shit from those years.

Lauren got me a HUGE Prince thing for Xmas/Berfday and in it there's a rare, live Prince CD.

Of the 20 or so tracks, I know about three.

I'm not a big Prince fan, but I'm a big fan of Prince, n'est pas?

Oh this shift has its ups and downs.

The ups correlate with the times when Mungo is not in the fucking office talking.

The downs correlate, strangely, when she is flapping her MASSIVE gums.

Oh to be Prince Caspian, afloat upon the waves.

She just left, and now I'm enjoying an up.

Woot.

And as far as ups go, I found out that the switchboard might be "up" shit creek without a paddle for OVER A YEAR.

Gaw bless us, evvy un.

I believe I'm through.

Some say it was a sign...

Tepid and Viscous, I Remit...

12.9.08
8:18 pm

First:

Episode TWO of the Diesel Dance Party (in which I command the dancers) has just been put up on http://www.diesel.com/.

It looks as if they are going to put up one episode per week of this six episode psychodrama.

If you want to know the definition of "fear" and "sex", you need look no further than the Diesel Dance Party, for I embody BOTH while remaining disembodied.

Only I could achieve this momentous, paradoxical feat.

Second:

I defeated BOTH the Cockmasters here at my job AND in the Nokia/AT&T Machine today.

At the job, I found a way to silence the everfucking beeping that goes on in the shitty, nonfunctioning Fire System (that, ironically, wouldn't be able to tell if the System Itself was on fire) once and for all.

But the best part is, if I want to return it to its normal (read "broken") state, I can do so with the push of a button.

Fuck you, infernal beeping!

As for the Nokia/AT&T slutbags, I found a way to send ANY SOUND FILE I WANT to my new phone, regardless of whether or not it was purchased from AT&T.

Yes, I have a NEW cell phone.

It has a camera on it.

Ah. Ah ha. Ah hahahahahahahahahaha.

Prepare for penis.

At least, moreso than usual.

Third:

I am sick.

Sick sick sick sicky sick sick.

And I blame you.

Fourth:

I have nothing to go here.

Oh wait, yes I do.

So, you've seen/heard of 2 Girls, 1 Cup (and if you haven't, feel blessed)

I was recently sent something that some might consider far worse, although personally, it wasn't as disturbing to me as 2G, 1C.

Elements of it were but...

If features a man...hm...you know...this isn't something that can be just talked about or described.

You need to see it.

This is not safe for work unless you work in Hell and even then, only if your supervisor has a sense of humor.

Finally:

I am watching a British show called Skins at the moment.

It is excellent and I recommend it.

I am also giving the new Guns 'N' Roses a more thorough listen.

Look, I was a huge fan back in the day and it took 14 years to finish, I'm going to give it more than one fucking listen.

Still at the top of my Secret Santa Joke Gift List.

Even if it IS only available as a physical release from Best Buy.

Think that may be it.

Do your Thing...lest it does You...

The new Guns 'N' Roses album...

...is not very good.

In fact, it's quite bad.

It's bad for a continuation to Use Your Illusion I and II.

It's bad for a straight up Guns 'N' Roses album.

It's bad for a straight up album.

It sounds like the year 2000 or maybe 2002.

The only surprises on it are just how bad and overwrought Axl Rose sounds.

If you are a fan of Guns N Roses, re-listen to the earlier albums and pretend this never happened.

I read a huge review in a recent Onion that gave it an A- and compared it to a unicorn amongst horses ("should we compare its beauty to that of an average horse or simply marvel at the fact that it even exists?").

I then found out that the "special guest reviewer" was a huge GNR fanboy.

It would be like asking me to objectively review a new Nine Inch Nails album.

Not possible.

To be fair though, both this reviewer and Axl Rose say you have to listen to it several times to really "get it".

Thing is: I get it.

It is sucky.

It represents fourteen years of effort and it's terrible.

That is SO depressing.

Anyway, it is my top Secret Santa Joke Gift Item this year.

So, if you and I are somehow in a Secret Santa together, and I get your name, you know what you're getting.

But you have NO IDEA what you're getting into...

Meanwhile, the first episode of the Diesel Dance Party is now online at http://www.diesel.com/.

I am only in the first episode as "the guy putting hoods on people" (you REALLY need to see this) but I'm all over the next five (that's six episodes total, friends) as "The Voice of God" or "The Dance Commander".

I made up that second one, but, believe me, it applies like mascara, bitch.

And, yet no one reads this, I continue...

ATTENTION, PLEASE

10.21.08
10:17pm

Just wanted to take a moment to let you know that BRITNEY SPEARS' new music video "Womanizer" is HOT.

BRITNEY SPEARS is a SEX SYMBOL.

And her career is on the UPSWING.

She now owes me $17.

Also, cookies: never too old to enjoy them.

Next, after about 8 months, I have finally finished my radio demo with Bill and it is pure diamond, absolutely flawless.

It's perfect and I have not been prouder in recent memory.

Now if only I can get the right person to hear it...

Consumption:

I just finished the first Dexter book and Christina was right, the show is better.

I am about to start The Anatomy Lesson by John David Morley which is, according to Jess, amazing.

I am trying NOT to watch any more downloaded episodes of "The Shield" until the whole final season is up but goldurn it that's proving tough.

Ray has pointed me in the direction of "Superjail!" which I have watched all of (thus far).  It is pleasantly shocking and stars David Wain.

I saw "Blindness" this weekend and think that The Onion giving it a C+ or whatever was WAY unfair, the movie was excellent and fucking harsh.

I'm playing "Dead Space" on my own and loving it and playing "Silent Hill: Homecoming " with Danielle and also loving it.

Aside from the upcoming Halloween Movie Night thing, I'm planning a Bond Marathon (or mini marathon depending on who gets in on it) which will culminate with a showing of "Casino Royale" (2006 version) before heading out to see "Quantum of Solace".

This has been SO uninteresting.

Thank you.

I Am The Motherfucking Dance Commander

Yesterday, I said some things to some people that I would not have normally said.

"Have sex with the air."

"Wrestle with each others butts."

"Get international."

But...I was God.

And they did as they were told.

For fear of...reprisals.

Those reprisals were also meted out by my hand.

Yesterday...was weird.

Go to http://www.diesel.com/, and wait for my Presence.

P.S. I heard "Hangin' Tough" on the radio today.

This is going to be a long, cold winter.

I Rock. Band. 2.

If you'll be so kind as to head over to www.mtv2.com and click on the "Sharts" section, you'll find a listing for something called "Pure Evil On The Red Carpet".
That's me.
Enjoy.

I also posted some pictures from the shoot on my My Space photo page.
Also enjoy.

P.S. AND in the "Best Created Character" clip you can see the character based on me, Newton.

Couchthulhu

I must write in haste, for I believe it knows where I am...

Oh how I yearn for simpler, less deadly times!

Alas and alack!

But I digress...

Just this morning, there was a sound of rapping at the door to my domicile.

When I opened the door, I saw no living thing but a comfortable, loden green couch.

How foolish I was!

I took it in as if it were a boon from the Gods themselves!

And perhaps it was...but from which sinister Gods I know not!

They say never to look a gift horse in the mouth and I have always upheld that adage...until now!

For one might not know their gift horse's mouth contains the gateway to Hell itself!

Ah, but again I digress!

Please forgive me, for my very soul has been chilled!

Upon replacing my old, trustworthy couch with this sleek, new abomination, I began to notice slight changes in my home...

Walls seems closer, the ceiling, lower and the sunlight, less brilliant on my varnished wooden floors...

It was as if some maligned force was affecting the very place I called my own!

If only my mind had been more quick to act!

But now I suffer the consequence of lethargy...

I ignored the communiqués from every nerve in my body and succumbed to the drowsiness that stole over me.

I lay on the new couch to close my eyes for a moment and regain my strength that I had, up to a few moments before, been instilled with.

I awoke with a start from a horrible dream of drowning or being swallowed alive to find that, indeed, it had been no dream!

I looked down at myself and saw with horror and revulsion that this demon spawn had separated me from my right leg at the thigh!

It was alive!

It was hungry!

I made my way from the parlor to my study and locked the door to write this, which will certainly be my last communication with the world of the living!

Such a fool I was!

I came here to this accursed place to find out what had happened to my father and his father before him!

Now I know all too well!

Stupid stupid stupid!

Devoured by a couch?

How utterly inane!

how vainglorious!

How fucking goddamn dumb!

Fuck! FUCK!!

Wait...what was that noise?

Oh dear shit!!

It's...somehow it's...EATING THROUGH THE DOOR!!

As I write this it's slowly moving towards me!

If only I could stop describing the events befalling me and simple exit through the window which would lead me to safety!

But alas, I must recount every last terrible detail!

Why did I not actually read the bloodstained diaries of my father and grandfather?

What could I have been thinking taking residence here at Evil Couch Manor?

How was I to know it wasn't just a silly name like

Oh no!

While lost in reverie, the abomination has drawn even closer!

I might only have a few paragraphs to live!!

How slow it moves!

How inexorable yet slow.

So slow!

If only I could just stand up and leave!

The window is right there!

Seriously!

But I must leave this for MY son to find...

Wait.

Hm.

I am not married.

Well, that changes things a bit.

I don't even think I've made love to a woman ever...

Let me see...

There was that costume party a few months ago at Cecil's summer home in Normandy but...no...that was just a blowjob...hm...women can't catch preg from that can they?

Ah!

If only I had read the bloodstained volumes regarding human sexuality and basic anatomy!

Fool!

Fool that I am!

Or was in a few minutes' time when this demon consumes me whole!

Alas and alack!

Alack and alas!

Alas— oh, a penny!

Syphilis Road

or St. Fuckeyes Cathedral!

Revelation 7:23

I just pet a priest's wiener dog.

Should I go to confession?

nullity

9.9.08
8:03pm

Just finished Bret Easton Ellis' Less Than Zero.

I totally want to move to L.A.

And kill myself there.

Give me his non-relative-with-the-same-last-name Warren any day.

Yeech.

What I Did Today

Today, for the first time since the time Phil and I went to see Will in D.C. and I won* the Big Lebowski Drinking Game, I had five guys in my mouth.

And it was heaven.

Jess tried her best but could only have a widdle 'cuz her widdle tum tum was toooooo widdle!!!

You should have seen her with her grown up soda though.

Scrabbling at it with her widdle paws...

Too cute.

Xmax.

Danielle abstained from lunch because she gambled with the Rainbow and lost.

Also xmax.

Then I went home to nap (which is a delightful practice, I understand why babies are always laughing) and was woken up by the sound of future disappointment, or, to be fair and slightly optimistic, potential future disappointment.

But then again, what doesn't fall into that category?

After that, I woke and went to work.

Ah work.

So quiet.

And I am now in the midst of the final story in Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

A book you should read, unless you are an asshole.

If you are an asshole...well, I why am I even addressing you?

Asshole.

Think that's all.

Be brave.

Be tigers.

*Although no one really wins the BLDG

summation

Julian Cope

Pancake Lizard

The S-Word

Boiling Seas of Blood

Sweating

Mr. Xcitement

Cunning Stunts

137%?

So.
I'm watching 'Strangers With Candy' for the first time thanks to Christina Nongirlfriend.
My cousin Stephanie worked on the show back in 2000 as assistant somethingorother.
I IMDBed her and, along with her name, mine popped up as well, from 'Binding Silence'.
Although I knew I was up there, I never really looked at the entry.
Nothing much except for info on the film.
Under the entry, however, I was informed that my "STARmeter" is up 137% since last week.
Whatever you're doing folks, keep doing it.

TMBG in SEPT (and OCT)

Just saw in today's Onion that They Might Be Giants are playing in September and October at a place called Le Poisson Rouge at 158 Bleeker (twixt Bleeker and Thompson).

I just got my ticket for the September show, Saturday the 27th with Les Chauds Lapins (the Hot Bunnies) at 7:30.

Tickets are $25 (with a $1.65 service charge.

They have another show on Saturday, October 25 for $26 with no opener announced yet.

Anyone interested?

Call 800 838 3006.

Tuesday: Better Than Monday

Today. Has. Been. Awesome.

Last evening I am informed of an audition this morning at 10:20am (an unheard of time for me to be awake) at House Productions for something I might not be able to talk about yet and based on my experience with the Sci Fi Network, I'm going to err on the side of not getting yelled at by a major name in the industry.

Suffice to say that I was supposed to look as attractive and model-y as possible based on the name of the company.

So, I walk out the door, as hot as lava in summer (thanks 90% to my little nouf and 10% to my Super Fuckability) and stroll into my audition.

I soon noticed something was amiss.

At the sign in sheet for an on screen audition there is usually a script and maybe a breakdown of the project or storyboards or something else.

Today, there was a sheet that read:

PREPARATION

Do not talk to anyone in the waiting area.

Please take this as serious as possible.

You are in the underground and have been for a long time.

You have been out of the modern world for some time.

You only exist as you appear on the screen.

Always be as sincere as possible.

You often refer to yourself as "WE".

To understate: I was intrigued.

After filling out my info and getting my snap, one of the awesome chicks at House says that we're taking a trip to wardrobe.

In there, I meet Andreas who puts a cloak and mask on me.

Yes, a cloak and a mask.

I then sit, silently, out in the waiting area, not talking to anyone, getting into this character as much as I can.

I am having fun despite the heavy cloak, black satin mask and the stares I am getting...or maybe because of it?

From the audition space, I hear a blaring, discordant siren go off, once, twice.

Soon after, I hear someone playing a tambourine, badly.

And after that, the small of burning toast.

To understate: I was excited.

Then,. after about 20 minutes hunched on a bench, not talking, not looking at anyone, my name is called.

I walk into the room and it's set up like most on screen audition spaces, flat screen monitor, lights, camera, prompt boards, bounce boards etc.

There are a few people that are having a mumbled discussion about me.

They remove my mask, ask to see me without my glasses and them decide they like them.

As do I.

I go to my mark and am told to answer as seriously and sincerely as possible.

I am then "interviewed" by a distorted voice over a bullhorn.

"What is your name?"

"How long have you been here?"

"What is your favorite color?"

""Tell us about your mother."

"Tell us about your childhood."

"What is your star sign?"

"What is your lucky number?"

"Have you been treated well here?"

"Are you efficient?"

"Do you like children?"

"Have you ever been on television?"

"Take off your shoes."

"What else have you done?"

"What is your favorite?"

I'm missing some, but you get the gist.

Or most likely you don't.

It was weird, but exhilarating.

Especially when I'm usually talking about HOW GREAT OPTIMUM ONLINE IS.

Anyhoo, then they have me read from the board some phrases that seem to tie in with the project.

I won't go into them verbatim, but they were ominous.

Then they blindfolded me and gave me some objects to hold.

One was a telephone, the other was glass, that's all I know.

Finally, they said thank you, but before I could go, the director asked me to tell a joke, in the fashion I had been instructed to deliver everything thus far.

So I told the one about the man who was not enjoying sex with a prostitute until she...did something.

If you don't know it, then you aren't as close to me as you think.

I warned them it was a doozy.

So, I tell the joke, pause a moment after the punch line and then grin.

"Pretty foul, huh?"

They laugh and then thank me and applaud.

I returned my cloak to Andreas and left.

I'll let you know if anything comes from this when I'm able, but just know that this has been one of the most fun acting experiences of my life.

THIS is why I'm an actor.

I am pancreatic cancer.

Specifically, Bob's pancreatic cancer.

More specifically, Death by pancreatic cancer.

Yes, my week started off with an audition for Death (by pancreatic cancer) for a PSA.

Remember when PSA's had cartoon characters in them?

Jesus.

Don't really know if I'll get this one, I think my mortification (no pun here...) came across quite clearly I fear.

But you never know.

I'm waiting to hear back from something that went exceedingly well last week.

Or so I think.

You know, no matter how good you think you did or how good you actually did, some person in an office somewhere might hear your voice and be reminded of someone they hate from years ago and, boom, an excellent audition is trashed.

Kind of a downer, but then again, every once in a while, you get that booking, and you are God Himself for a moment.

And it feels good.

Aside from its somber beginning, I have also been listening to the new Walkmen album.

There is such a feeling of loss and worn out hope...let's just say that Monday feels themed.

They have a fight. Buffalo wins.

THIS is what the Internet is for.
Click.

Also, this:
Click.

But not this....never this...
Click.

"And the world spreads its legs for another star..."

Cablevision: Suck My Dick

Dear Cablevision,

    First off, I'd like to say thank you for the myriad opportunities you've extended to me.

I love that every time you have a new commercial that you think of me as a potential voice talent.

    Secondly, I'd like to say, yes, you do offer a huge number of excellent services including Optimum Online, Optimum Voice and iO Digital Cable, all for only $29.95 a month!  Wow!  Seriously a great value.

    And finally, I'd like to invite you to suck my fucking dick.  I feel bad that you've offered SO MANY chances over these past five years for me to lend my vocal abilities to your numerous ad campaigns without having something in return to offer you.  Well, I'm putting an end to that right here, right now.  In fact, for just $29.95 a month you can suck my fucking dick wherever, whenever, and that's a promise I'll make to you, Cablevision.

    To wrap up, Cablevision is a ridiculous name.

Thanks again,

Your Interesting, Intelligent, Not Announcery But With A Hint of A Smile Friend