The Account

I don't role play much, but almost every time I have, Philip Tucker has been the DM/GM/Storyteller/whatever you nerds call it.
Below is an account of one of the best, if not the best role playing experience I have ever had.
It was all thanks to Phil and further proves how insane, brilliant and beautiful his mind is.
If this doesn't make you want to read more of his work...well, then you're an accountant.
Sorry to be so harsh...but you are.
Enjoy.

These events transpired roughly between 4:30am and 6:30am on Monday, December 22nd, 2008.

Philip utilized the White Wolf dice system which entails the use of 10 sided dice.

He used a random number generating website for dice rolls.

Characters have skills, attributes, etc. that range from 0 to 5, five being world class.

All "dots" were assigned on the fly, in the context of my character, there was no character sheet.

Throughout the playing of the game, the Mickey Avalon album was on shuffle and repeat, although at specific and key moments, Phil would play "My Dick".

Character name: Mickey Avalon

Description: 13 year old kid from the Philippians, a hustler working for Mammon.

    Found myself at a bar, sweating out drugs which I had taken in place of food and water after a three week party that left me stranded in the desert.  I received a call on my cell from Mammon's number and was told by a voice that Mammon wanted to see me.

I told him to send a car to get me and then I turned back to the bartender, who was a pre-op transsexual, and flirted with him, tweaking his nipples (which he did not feel).

A zebra-striped limo arrived outside and a thick, monk-looking fellow in a robe stepped out.  I recognized him and got in.

Disco lights and purple fringe.

Half the limo's interior was blood spattered and the rest was bare where the interior had been torn up.

The windows were tinted from the inside and I couldn't see where we were going.

We arrived outside a hotel on South Beach, it was one of Mammon's headquarters.

I asked the monk for a knife (the weapon with which I am most familiar) and he told me he never carried weapons because-- and then I cut him off and walked inside.

    Went to the elevator in the back.  Mist poured out as it opened and there was only one button which read "MY DICK".  I pushed it and was taken to the fourth floor where I arrived at the remains of a party.  I noticed Lenny Kravitz in a sex swing wearing assless chaps and lipstick.  I took the wallet of some unconscious rich man as well as a letter opener that had been stabbed through his hand.  I then noticed the up and coming flyweight boxing champion sitting in the corner muttering to himself over a deck of Tarot cards, all of which were "The Fool",  I entered Mammon's office where he sat behind a desk, with the monk at his side, I had NOT seen the monk pass me on the way here and there were no other exits or entrances to this room.

    Mammon was described to me as being obscenely corpulent.  I was told he might have a chair under him somewhere and that he was probably pantsless, as usual.  Mammon also has long, curly white hair that went down to his ass.  It was wispy enough to trail behind him a moment after he stopped moving.  He tells me about a job that will pay $10,000 as opposed to my usual $2,000.  I say "hit me" and then lose an initiative roll by one die.  I feel "the tiniest prick ever enter my ass".  I asked Philip for confirmation and he rephrases the statement to inform me that the monk (who is half monk and half ninja) has injected something from a syringe into my ass.  Mammon informs me I've been infected with "some Japanese synth shit" and I will be dead within six hours.  Also in the syringe was a custom made STD and my mission is to infect someone with it, then, Mammon tells me, I will get my money and the cure.

    I decide to go against my normal impulse and I jump up on his desk and put my letter opener less than an inch from his eye.  The monk/ninja fails his roll and "stumbles over an imaginary turtle, which he then stops to contemplate".  Mammon calmly tells me that his foot is now depressing a pedal under his desk that is rigged to 18 Desert Eagles hidden in and around his desk, all pointed up as a failsafe against his death.  If I kill him they all go off.  I interrupt him by pushing the letter opener three inches into his eye.  At this moment, the ninja/monk kicks me in the back of the head, causing the letter opener to go further in.  As I fall behind the desk, I hear "an ominous click" from inside Mammon's skull and an instant later, napalm is spraying out of his eyes, nose and mouth, drenching the ninja/monk (who landed right where I had been a moment ago) in jellied fire.  He falls to the ground, silently.  I kill him, just in case.  I then search the desk and find one Desert Eagle, a few boxes of shells, $200,000 in cash, about a dozen car keys and a pillow case labeled "Virgin's Blood" which is full of cocaine.  Under the desk I find a flamethrower with a full tank.  I take the car keys, the money and the DE with some shells.  I also cut a huge line of coke to ease my pain.  As I'm coming back around, a razor sharp Fool Tarot card buries itself in surface of the desk.  I turn to see the boxer has just thrown one and is about to throw another.  I take a shot with my DE and miss.  He throws again and I attempt to catch the card in my teeth.  I fail and cut the shit out of my mouth.

    As I'm preparing to shoot again, the wall behind me explodes inward.  I look over my shoulder to see a clump of pink tentacles questing around the room; they are moving in a sort of pattern which I cannot discern because I fail a Perception (4) and Crafts (5) roll.  I turn back to see that the boxer has fled into the main room through which I entered.  I spray a few shots through the wall in hopes of hitting him and instead, cause the tentacles to not only find me, but complete encircle me and lift me out of the hole it made in the wall.  I am now four stories above the ocean, looking down at a group of screaming people and a cop trying to keep them calm.  The thing the tentacles are attached to looks straight out of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, but pink.  I decide to bite it.  It dies immediately and I land, safely, on its body.  I then step, with utmost style and composure from its corpse onto the beach, right in front of the hotel's parking lot.  The cop and crowd are staring at me.  The cop sees my DE and yells to freeze.  I take a shot at him and hit his shoulder.  He uses the momentum from the impact to spin around and take a shot at my knees.  He misses and I put one in his chest, dead.  I then look to see if any of the keys in my pockets match any of the cars in the parking lot.  One does.  The logo on the key is Lamborghini.  I look around and see a slick and beautiful Lamborghini with five models on it, rubbing themselves and being model-y.  I fire a warning shot at them and blow one's head off.  The other four models seem not to notice and the crowd politely applauds.  I get in and see there is no keyhole, only a button on the key ring.  I press it and a voice says "You're not Mr. Mammon."  I tell the car that he's letting me use it.  "Password," it demands.  I think for a moment, smile and say, with utter confidence, "My dick."  The instrument panel slides open, the car starts and it then asks me where I want to go.  I tell it to get rid of the models.  The car emits an electric shock, blowing them from the car.  The crowd applauds more loudly.  I tell the car I want to make a stylish exit.  "My Dick" starts playing and the crowd applauds and dances as I peel out.

    I then extend my arm to the car's dashboard and say "Analyze my blood."  Sure enough, a hole opens and I put my arm in.  Then the car starts to freak out.  It says "Japanese virus".  I ask where I can get the antidote.  It stutters "3....2.....3...." and then stops talking.  A moment later, the voice says "must terminate".  It then starts driving at over 100 MPH.  I take a shot at the engine from my seat and the bullet ricochets and goes in through my stomach, out through my back, back into my back, out through the stomach and in once more from the front.  Black blood starts pouring out of me.  I duck and take another shot, it bounces until it stops.  I brace myself as best I can and the last thing I see is the speedometer reading 140 and a wall.  Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the burning wreck, completely unscathed.  I get out and look for an Internet cafe in which to look up the address "323".  I find a super hip Internet cafe filled with black-clad emo kids.  I turn to the nearest one and ask for his clothes a la Arnold Schwarzenegger from T2.  He begins to give me a smarmy answer so I pistol whip him (getting an exploding ten (allowing another dice roll) which causes me to utterly annihilate his jaw).  He hits the floor and says "thank you".  I'm trying to get his clothes off him when the other 65 emo kids all get up from their seats and start to do the Robot.  They begin to slowly move towards me.  I take the jawless emo kid's iPhone and run outside.  It asks me for a password and I gleefully enter "my dick" again.  Access granted.

    I find out that the only "323" address that could be anything is a beer hall called the Abbey.  I then do as much research on "Japanese virus",  "some new Japanese synth shit", "healing factor", "black blood" etc. as I can via Google.  Eventually, I find two articles, one on Yahoo! and the other from The Onion.  They describe a new Japanese synthetic drug called tricycline 3 that is derived from orca and killer whale cells.  It replaces one's cells with whale cells, hence the black blood and amazing healing ability.  I go to find someone who knows the most about drugs and that turns out to be the head of a McDonald's that is really a huge drug dealing hub.  I need a car to get there, so I use my sex powers to get someone to pull over.  Dozens of cars crash around me, their drivers wanting to touch me. I get in the nearest one as the emo kids (still doing the Robot) round the corner.  I back over one, then again but the third time he has gotten on top of the car.  I take a crazy corner and he goes flying off.  I crush him against a wall and take his wallet.  Phil gives me a MASSIVELY mundane yet detailed description of what's in the wallet including a family photo and four condoms, one sheep skin, one Trojan and two with Japanese writing on them as well as red lightning bolts.  I take one of the Japanese ones out.  It crackles in my fingers, seeming to singe my flesh.  I put it on my dickus and my penis immediately becomes "a power rod".  On the way to McDonald's I stop to sex a man out of his clothes.  At McDonald's, I find Joseph, the 12-year old girl who runs the place.  I ask her if she knows anything about "this", and then I bite a chunk out of my wrist, causing black blood to pour from the wound.  She hands me a hamburger bun and tells me to soak it up with it.  I do so and she takes it back, puts cheese and lettuce on it and then eats it.  A moment later she tells me it's tricycline 3 and that I need to see this Japanese guy to get the antidote.  She holds up a business card, out of my reach.  I ask what she wants for it.  She asks what I've got.  I offer her the 200k but she refuses, I offer her my erect and electrified penis and she says she's a lesbian.  She then asks for me to hold out my left hand.  I give it to her and she produces a cleaver which with she cuts it off.  She then hands me the business card.  On it is written "Stephen Lee, Chemist, Walgreens".  I thank her and drive off.

    I arrive at the Walgreens and go to the pharmacy counter where I see a display for the condom which I am wearing.  A Japanese man appears and I ask him what these condoms do.  He tells me they feed off my chi and that wearing them for more than forty minutes will cause my brain to explode.  I remove mine along with several patches of dick skin.  I ask him about the virus.  He begins to give me "wisdom" and then I plant an image of the mass pelvic thrust from the "Yes" video into his brain.  He begins to furiously hump the counter before slapping himself, swallowing a whole packet of horny goat weed, slapping himself again and then putting one of the lightning bolt condoms on himself. "None of that!" he says.  I ask him what I need.  He asks to see my palm.  I ask him if he has a cleaver and he says no, then licks my palm.  He then tells me I need the poison sac of a Fugu fish, the spit of a pre-op transsexual fried on one of the condoms and then injected via syringe into my heart.  I buy the syringe and two more condoms and then ask if he knows where the bar (with the pre-op transsexual) is.  He then fades like a flower and disappears behind the counter.  I look over and see him lying there, looking up at me.  It is awkward.  I begin to suck on my gun barrel in order to get him to tell and he does.  I turn to leave when I see the front of the store is being slowly filled with the emo kids still doing the Robot.  I flee out the back and see a DeLorean with a sign that says "Drive Me."

    I get in and tentatively say, "Hello?" The car asks where I want to go.  I tell it I need to go to a sushi place.  It begins to spin around and around until it reaches 88 MPH, at which point it's engulfed in lightning.  Suddenly, the lightning clears and I'm in the parking lot as before, with a different configuration of cars.  I ask when we are and the car says, "three hours ago".  We then speed to the sushi place.  Out front there are five live sharks hanging by their tails off which a line of sushi chefs are carving shark steaks.  There are also platforms on which kids are standing in order to be raised inside the sharks and back down again.  I enter the restaurant, which is very trendy and playing German trip hop and ask the chef, in Japanese, for Fugu.  Everyone stops, dropping their utensils, the music screeches to a halt.  The chef says, "White man is not strong" I then interrupt Phil to remind him that I am Filipino.  He then says "This Filipino man speaks like a white" I interrupt him AGAIN to remind him that I spoke in Japanese.  The chef presents the Fugu, still alive, flayed open before me and wearing a breathing apparatus to keep it alive.  I bow (the entire restaurant bows back) and grab a combat knife from the table to remove the poison sacs.  As I leave, I recite the haiku "FOR THIS GIFT OF FISH/ THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME/I PAY YOU WITH SEX"

This causes people to faint and projectile vomit and the building to collapse.  I get back in the car and tell it to take me to the bar.  I arrive just in time to see myself leaving in the zebra limo. A large group of people enter just before me and, as I am waiting to talk to the pre-op transsexual, I notice that the man at the bar buying everyone shots...is the Judge from Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian.  He looks at me and nods, as if in approval, I nod back, VERY relieved, but still pensive.  The pre-op transsexual comes over and I ask him for his spit in a shot glass.  He obliges.  I head into the Men's room to mix my antidote...

   The Men's room has two stalls. one "out of order" (in the same sense that the stall in Desperado or Trainspotting was "out of order") and one with the door closed.  I had a bad feeling and went into the Ladies' room.  There was only one stall and it was closed.  I knocked, got no response, and pushed the door open...standing inside, naked and with a huge smile on his face, was the Judge with his arms open to embrace me.  He had "annihilation in his eyes".  If you don't know about the Judge, I'll relate what Philip said: "He is immortal.  He is the Avatar of War.  He does not botch."  According to Phil, the Judge has all 6's in a rule set where 5 is the most a character can have.  So, I'm standing there facing him.  He wins the initiative roll and goes to hug me (which, I find out later, is instant death, no questions) AND FAILS HIS ROLL OF OVER TEN DICE.  It's my turn and I debate whether to shoot or run.  I choose to run.  My rolls contains THREE exploding tens (which means I get an extra die to roll), two of which are also exploding tens.  I end up with a total of 9 successes, the Judge BARELY missing me with 6 successes.  I explode into the car, which, thankfully, sensed danger and was ready for me.  I scream to get us away from the Judge and the car says to do so we must enter the time stream.  I scream to do it and the car begins to spin.  Out the window, I see the Judge exit the bar.  On the first rotation, I see him removing the bolts from one of the huge arc sodium lights in the parking lot, on the second, I see him push down the light, on the third and fourth I see him tearing the wiring out and gathering it up and on the fifth, I see him making a lasso out of it.  At this point, the car is up to 77MPH.  I see the Judge throw the lasso and see it snag the car's antenna.  The surge of power sends the speedometer from 77 to 140 and the last thing I hear as I blast into the time stream was the Judge's laughter echoing behind me.

    We reappear in the same parking lot.  The cars are in a different position and the light pole is still down.  I ask the car what happened and it says we've been hurled a few hours into the future.  I suddenly begin to die.  The Judge has sent me just past the end of the six hours the virus took to kill me and I am on my way out.  I roll to put my antidote together and fail.  The last thing I say is: "Take me to Joseph".  The car peels out and streaks to the McDonald's.  On the way, I make the second most important roll of the game and stave off death long enough for Joseph to make an excellent roll herself and inject a syringe of adrenaline into my heart.  With her needle still in, I decide whether I want to attempt to make the antidote now or make it while telling her how to in case I die.  I decide to make it myself and succeed, slamming the needle into my heart an instant after she has pulled the other one out.  A moment later...I'm fine.

    I ask Phil how much money I have in savings from my years of hustling.  He says four million.  I ask Joseph how many people we could get for four million to take someone out.  She says it depends on who we want and how long it would take, I cut her off and tell her it's the Judge.  She screams and runs back inside the McDonald's, slamming the door behind her.

    And the game ends.

    Afterwards, Philip and I go over what's just occurred, bask in our utter and complete awesomeness, and then he drove me to my hotel, where I sat in the lobby for an hour and a half, writing this account.

Simile of A King

3.4.10

10:37pm

In the midst of reading "A Very Tight Place", a short from Stephen King's Just After Sunset.

Hadn't actually gotten around to finishing the collection until this evening.

Anyway, I just came across this jewel that made me laugh out loud.

To describe a tipped over Port-O-San disgorging its content out from the mouth of the toilet bowl, King served up the following:

It was like New Year's Eve in hell.

Keep 'em coming, Steve.

Revelation 7:23

I just pet a priest's wiener dog.

Should I go to confession?

Nothing propinks like propinquity

1.18.07
1:29 PM
I know how everyone loves my bitchy stories about the idiots I work with and that is why I continue to relate them to you via the Internet. This is, as it has always been, for you.
In my feverish fuckrants you have heard about children dying under very suspicious circumstances, dead bodies being misplaced and frail pre-corpses wearing pajamas, bright yellow “do not let me out of this facility” bracelets and with gaping, whistling holes in their throats walking right out of the place, and, of course, a cavalcade of retardation that defies comment and often causes one to just sit and disbelieve.
The subject of this entry falls into that final category.
So, in front of this august establishment there is an American flag.
Every evening it is taken down and every morning it is put back up.
I’m just going to cut right to it: some shining example of dumb fuckery hung the American flag upside down.
About four minutes ago (six and a half hours or so after the fact), someone noticed and corrected the situation.
Now, it isn’t illegal to hang the American flag upside down, it indicates distress.
So either the person that did this is a very clever and ironic person who was making a genius statement that this place is in a perpetual state of distress or a total fucking moron incapable of looking up.
Guess which one my money is on.
All the other instances (lost bodies, resident escaping, kids dying) are caused by a chain of stupid people bumping into one another and being distracted by something shiny, a loud noise or a kitty cat and not doing their job, but in this case, there was just a lone idiot who, in a simple, powerful gesture, expressed to everyone passing this establishment that we are a building full of people who are all in distress.
I applaud you, you solitary mook, you have summed this place up quite nicely.

An Octopussy To A Kill

12.14.06
3:33 PM
Yes.
The movie is called “Octopussy”.
Let’s move on.
This is the first time we see another 00 agent in action (009 to be precise) which would be cool except for the fact that he is dressed like a clown and dies soon after from a knife in his back.
Bummer.
Bond starts this one off by pretending to be a Spanish General then blowing up some bad guys.
So far, so good.
After this, we are introduced to a bunch of Russians, one of which is crazy. That’s General Orloff. Whoever played this guy did a pretty good job.
They try to introduce some political stuff into this movie but don’t do a very good job and end up relying on a “there’s a bomb” plot instead.
But before the bomb, there is the egg. 009 stumbled into a party carrying a Faberge egg.
There is a silly little bit about switching the real egg for the fake at an auction where we see the most effete Bond villain ever—Kamal Khan (although he is also very polite and a great host…he throws a dinner party for Bond complete with stuffed sheep’s head…hm.).
Bond follows the hot, eggy action to India and runs into Kamal again at a game of high stakes backgammon where he uses Kamal’s loaded dice against him.
Biotch!! You been DICED!!!
We also meet Kamal’s right hand man, who was the model for the character Great Tiger from Nintendo’s Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, minus the flying around in circles thing.
And, for some reason, whenever he is mentioned or referred to or shown on screen, the director chose to ZOOMINQUICKLY to Great Tiger’s face. The effect is pure hilarity.
After burning Kamal for millions of rupees (totaling $40 US) he sets Great Tiger after him on a magical chase through the crowded streets of India.
Incidentally, they did a great job shooing away the starving homeless and filling the streets with extras, fire breathers, sword swallowers (Bond removes the sword in order to engage a baddie), nail bed people (Bond tosses a guy onto it) and hot coal walkers. You can taste the realism. It tastes like curry and kerosene.
After the chase, Bond puts some moves on this hot chick who turns out to be a Kamal supporter and, after the scrumping, Bond notices a tattoo of a blue and yellow octopus on her lower back. When he asks her what it is she says, “Oh, that’s my little octopussy.”
Bond refrains from commenting, as shall I.
She escapes with the real egg into which Bond has cleverly installed a microphone.
Bond is then held captive sort of and sneaks around Kamal’s Purple Palace where he discovers a cooler full of bodies, which he hides in.
He is then aided in his escape by some helpful body chuckers who zip him up into a big canvas body bag. Right as he is about to be thrown off a body dumping cliff, he plays the zombie card and scares away the guards.
He is then chased by Kamal on an elephant.
In the next two minutes, Bond runs into a spider, a tiger (which he orders to sit and which obeys), a bunch of leeches, a snake (which he orders to “hiss off” and which does) and an alligator.
India is, by far, the most dangerous place Bond has ever been.
Just when you think he is nipped by the opposition, he swings from vine to vine (accompanied, naturally, by the Tarzan “I’m swinging from vine to vine” sound effect) and swims to a tour boat.
Style points xmax.
Soon after all this kerfluffle, Bond discovers that Kamal is working with a mysterious woman smuggler named Octopussy who runs an island restricted to all but women.
Attractive women.
Scantily clad, attractive women.
Scantily clad, attractive women with large bosoms.
Bond’s reaction to this information is brilliant:
“An island full of only women? Why that’s sexual discrimination.”
Bam. Fuck him ladies, he looks just like my grandpa…who is dead.
When he gets there he finds out that Octopussy (which by the way is her father’s pet name for her…that’s healthy) is in debt to him for killing her father. This was good for her for some reason.
Then Kamal comes in and Bond is all like “I’m going to have sex with Octopussy” and he’s like “I heart the ky-yock” and Bond is like, “Well, duh.”
Then Kamal, who is heartbroken over the fact that Bond is strictly AC, goes to a creepy fucking one-eyed Hindi fucker who chuckles a lot and gets some crazy saw blade yo-yo psycho to go after Bond.
Bond kisses an angry Octopussy and then has sex with his Octopenis.
Honestly, if anyone but Bond kissed that many angry, crying women, he’d be arrested as a rapist. I guess it’s the accent.
Anyway, post-coitus, Yo-Yo Death takes out Bond’s side kick who was fun and a tennis pro. Bond gets stony faced and says let’s fuck up these dragon farts.
The Yo-Yo Death people invade the Isle of Vage and one of the baddies gets killed by a poison octopus.
A Rock Octopus.
Most of the rest get fucked up by Bond who slides down a marble banister with an AK-47 shooting off the newel post before it turns him into a double O eunuch.
After this impressive shoot out, it’s off to the circus.
The Big Bad Guy is planning to not only double cross Octopussy but also detonate a nuclear device on German soil that will cause some crazy Russian reaction that benefits the aforementioned General Orloff.
Bond has an awesome train-top fight with a knife thrower and Great Tiger after hiding in a gorilla costume. Bond gets tossed off the train with the knife thrower and is then chased through the woods by the same knife thrower that killed 009.
Is 007 doomed to the same fate or do we smell vengeance?
No. Bond gets killed by the knife thrower and the movie ends.
Or does he/it?
Of course Bond kills the knife thrower (with his own knife even) and avenges 009.
Then Bond hitchhikes to the circus with some jolly Germans. He then sneaks in and becomes a Killer Klown from the British Secret Service who, in just the nick of time, diffuses the bomb.
What’s left but to take out the Big Bad Guy at his hideout?
Nothing.
So, Octopussy and her Circus of Twizzies (with the help of Bond and Q—who arrives in a huge Union Jack hot air balloon) use their circus ninja skills to break into and takeover Kamal’s castle.
An interesting note: the invasion starts at night (and this is one of the first night shoots that takes place AT NIGHT in the Bond franchise) and ends about twenty minutes later…in broad daylight.
Uh…continuity…hellooo?
The castle and all the baddies inside are dispatched but the Big Bad Guy and Great Tiger escape with Octopussy (although it would have been much easier to just kill her because a.) it would have lightened their load and b.) it would have upset Bond and made him emotional and sloppy but NOOOO) in an airplane that Bond jumps onto.
Then Great Tiger and Bond have a flight on top of the plane which Great Tiger loses.
Bond then disables the plane, rescues the girl and Kamal goes down (snicker) in flames.
Bond gets pretty banged up in the landing and later we see him on a galley in traction with his arm and leg in a cast, but with one suggestive remark, he snaps his proverbial chains and proceeds to tickle Octopussy’s tentacles once again.
Not even broken bones can stop his sex.
Quintuplepussy:
2 (the egg stealing tattoo lady and Maud “Octopussy” Adams*

*It’s about time I brought this up…
In several Bond movies (six, to be exact) the same actor has been brought back to play a different character. Now, at age 25, it is obvious that they are the same actor playing different parts, but when I was a child, I was a bit boggled, especially in one case.
The first occurrence is between “You Only Live Twice” and “Diamonds Are Forever” where Charles Gray (the narrator from “Rocky Horror Picture Show”) plays an ally of Bond (named, coincidentally enough as you read the summary of “The Living Daylights”, Whitaker) who gets knifed in the back and dies (YOLT) and Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Bond’s nemesis (Diamonds).
Next we see Maud Adams (AKA Cheekbone McSkeleton) as Scaramanga’s ill fated cock sock in “The Man With The Golden Gun” and then as Miss Independent Woman herself, Octopussy in…”Octopussy”.
It happens one more time in “The Living Daylights” and “GoldenEye” with actor Joe Don Baker. He is a fun character both times, in one a bad guy, in one a good guy, but I’ll mention that later.

Say good-bye to Roger Moore and Lois Maxwell.
Say hello to Nazi doctors and the eternally terrifying Grace Jones.
This is “A View To A Kill”.
This is also one of, if not THE best Bond theme and title sequence (which is offset by THE worst title drop), complete with women wearing nothing but ski parkas and Day-Glo paint.
We first see Bond as a snow bunny, swaddled in more clothes than the baby Jesus. But the baby Jesus never had to outrun Russian ski troops.
Bond recovers a microchip from the corpse of 003 and then is chased by these Russians fucks in front of a blue screen.
Bond first loses a ski and manages on one for a while, but after he decides that isn’t impressive enough, uses the rigging from a snowmobile as a snowboard…set to the Beach Boys’ “California Girls”.
It is one of the best moments in a Bond movie.
He then carries out a Jesus-esque “snowboard across water” feat before firing a smoke bomb into the opposition’s helicopter, causing it to crash into a mountainside.
Having accomplished his mission, it is now time for sex. Five days worth of sex with his slutty blonde contact he meets up with at the water’s edge.
Give it to her once for me, James.
Then Duran Duran lead us into the future with synthesizers and keyboard riffs.
And, folks, the future, despite what Prince says, rocks.
Now, at this point (and probably at several points throughout) I am going to mention the fact that Moore is 57 years old in this movie.
In the new M’s office (we last saw the old M in Moonraker. He left the series in protest of Shirley Bassey’s shitty theme song) we find out that the microchip Bond recovered is special because it is impervious to electromagnetic pulses, rendering a nuclear explosion harmless (aside from the huge wave of destruction). Here is an interesting thing: the plot of “GoldenEye” centers around a nuclear device installed in a satellite that, when detonated over the Earth, will cause all electrical equipment to shut down because of the EMP. The villain plans to do this over London, thus destroying the global economy.
The issue I bring up is this: if they have these microchips in hand in 1985, why not use them so in 1995, this villain’s plan will be less destructive?
Think about it.
Anyway, the guy making the microchips is none other that crazy American industrialist…Max Zorin.
Zorin is played by a man that needs no introduction.
Bond goes to Paris to meet up with a private detective who is privately investigating Zorin. They meet at a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower where, after contributing absofuckinglutely NOTHING to the movie, the PI (who must have had a terrible accent because all his lines were dubbed over badly) is killed by a butterfly ninja who turns out to be Zorin’s right hand psycho, May Day (played far too convincingly by manly man Grace “Who and Why Did People Find Her Attractive?” Jones). After he chases her upward for a bit, she jumps off and a parachute (black and yellow…the colors of SPECTRE) bursts open, foiling Bond.
Or does it?
He somehow manages to climb down the tower and steal a cab from a French taxi driver who is sitting behind the wheel and drinking a glass of wine.
Tres realistic.
He chases the parachute through Paris, tearing off the roof and back half of the cab in the process (it truly is a great chase scene).
She lands on a wedding boat (where a French jazz band is playing a French jazz rendition of the theme song) and, just as Bond arrives, crashing through the roof and spoiling these poor French people’s wedding, escapes in a speedboat driven by Zorin.
Here’s a question: usually the Big Bad Guy has layers and layers of lackeys to do his job, why the fuck would he straight up expose himself within the first half hour of the movie?
Because he is a psycho, that’s why.
I mean it, he is an experimental superhuman created by a Nazi doctor after WW2.
By the by, Walken had to do very little research for this part.
After all this shit, Bond is sent to investigate Zorin and his affairs and he gets an invitation to Zorin’s horse show as James St. John Smith (last word pronounced in the obnoxious British fashion as to rhyme with the farming implement that Death wields) accompanied by Sir Godfrey Tibbit, who is going undercover with Bond as his valet.
The interaction between Bond and Tibbit are great and you really come to enjoy his character.
Bond meets some ditzy chick at the house party who is doing something mysterious with Zorin (and, trying to start a conversation with her, says in the cutest way imaginable, “I’m English!”) and the aforementioned crazy Nazi doctor. He snaps a few pictures of the key players with his trusty camera ring (awesome gadget) and then teases Zorin with the old “I know your minion killed that badly dubbed Frenchman with a ninja butterfly thing at the Eiffel Tower” tactic. Zorin is abashed and around that time decides to have him watched if not killed.
After this flagrant display of blowing-his-cover-ness, May Day tells Zorin that “that man looks so familiar”.
Hang on.
He shot at you. He chased you around Paris in half a car. He caused you to jump off the goddamn Eiffel Tower! How many times in a week does this happen for you to not recognize him?!
In the evening, Tibbit and Bond go sleuthing and find a secret lab (crazy fucking Nazis and their crazy fucking secret labs) where they find out that Zorin has been using the EMP-proof chips to cheat at horse racing.
Ooooh, look at the Big Bad Guy, cheating at horse racing!! Watch out Blofeld, Zorin’s going to corner the world horse racing industry!!
Just kidding.
Bond and Tibbit have a rousing bout with some Zorin thugs and set the whole place on watch for them.
Zorin is practicing judo with May Day (who is sporting a nightmarishly revealing spandex leotard) and is about to have nightmarish judo sex with her until he is interrupted by the phone call that Bond is running around loose, a fact which causes Zorin to utter one of the funniest lines in the movie: “We must find him”. He says it as Christopher Walken would say it before he became the Christopher Walken that simply sells tickets by being in something. This is the Christopher Walken who still had to work for it.
And he does a great job.
Anyway, Bond evades capture by sacrificing his body…to Grace Jones.
As a result, he is made pregnant with her seed.
This is why “View” is the last Moore Bond, because Grace Jones made him pregnant and because Christopher Walken ate his soul.
The next day, Zorin is done fucking around. He invites “Mr. St. John Smith” to his office, takes his picture and identifies him as Bond.
He then challenges Bond to a horse race, during which Zorin’s horseback thugs try to kill him and fail, not knowing that Bond is (along with being a secret agent, an astronaut, a ninja and a stunt driver) an equestrian.
Mores the pity for them.
Luckily, Zorin cheats and soon Bond is subdued with poor, dead Tibbit who was aced by May Day.
Next stop, Mr. Bond…the bottom of the fucking lake.
But mere water cannot kill Bond, something that Zorin will soon learn.
And now, it’s about time to reveal to the audience what the fuck this crazy bastard is up to.
Hint: it has NOTHING to do with horses, in fact, General Gogol (who Zorin used to work for as a KGB agent) chewed out Zorin for all this…heh heh heh…horseplay and things looked grim, until May Day lifted one of the General’s men over her head…because she is a monster.
Soon after this, the people in charge of this flick decide that we, the audience, have been in the dark for long enough as far as the plot is concerned.
They decide to solve the problem by having a Big Bad Guy meeting.
We see Zorin explaining pretty much everything (with the help of an excellent little model that he calls forth from the floor with sheer force of will.
However…there is always some poor fuck who does not want to be a part of the Big Bad Guy’s plan.
Well, Max Zorin knows how to handle them.
Here’s a hint: he drops them out of a blimp.
And it is from this blimp that the worst Bond movie title drop is uttered by Grace Jones and Christopher Walken.
When the Golden Gate Bridge floats into view, May Day says: “Wow…what a view…”, then Walken says, in the only way it’s possible to say something this stupid, “…to a kill!”
Ladies and gentlemen, yet another reason this is the last Moore Bond.
Suddenly, Bond’s in San Francisco and is talking in code to a fish monger.
Then Bond is introduced to a pirate captain who is complaining about crabs.
I shit ye not.
So Bond investigates…AND ALMOST GETS SUCKED INTO AN UNDERWATER DEATH VALVE!!!
But he doesn’t; some poor Russian spy does, but that’s what you get for snooping around Zorin’s shit, man. Just leave the guy alone! He only wants to be left alone! God!
Bond sees another Russian spy escaping and chases him down. The him turns out to be a her that Bond boinked once in the past and they escape to a Chinese bath house in San Fran.
They engage in jacuzzi coitus.
Then, while Bond is washing the cundy off his gadgets, the Russian spy runs off with a tape recording of Zorin talking about his plan “Project: Main Strike” (which, I think, was an opening band for Duran Duran in ’82…) but who could ever believe the Russians are more intelligent than the British…Bond switched the tapes.
Now, Bond knows that something bad is going to happen in the next few days.
So, naturally, Bond goes to City Hall (as reporter James Stock for the London Financial Times) and just asks. While he’s there, he sees that hot, stupid ditz from Zorin’s horse party and follows her home.
He then uses a Sharper Image device which appears to have the sole purpose of breaking into people’s homes through their windows and sneaks into her place.
Her pet cat (named "Pussy") flashes down the stairs past Bond making a noise, for some strange reason, like an exploding dinosaur.
Bond introduces himself to her (as James Stock…oh the delicious pun…) at gunpoint (hers, not his) and before she can shoot him: HOME INVASION!!!!
Bond fights off the goons with a shotgun loaded with rock salt.
It is during this fight that I took note of how daintily Roger Moore kicks people.
Hard to explain: just watch this fight scene to understand better.
After the fight, Bond cooks a majestic meal for Idiot Stacey.
He can now add Master Chef to his resume (secret agent, ninja, astronaut, stunt driver and equestrian).
A bottle and a half of wine later, Bond gently puts Stacey to bed, not touching her. The tenderness of that scene is lost a moment later though, when Bond is seen crying and masturbating furiously on her pet cat…Pussy.
In the morning, Stacey and James go to City Hall to report Zorin’s badness. Stacey gets fired and Bond gets an erection.
They talk to Bond’s CIA connection and then he and she decide to break into City Hall that night and see if they can find any more info.
For some reason, they find info on Project: Main Strike in a file cabinet in City Hall.
Question: why the fuck are there plans for Zorin’s evil plot filed in City Hall?
I’m too baffled to even invent a funny answer.
As Bond and Stacey are about to achieve some goal, Zorin and May Day (and Zorin’s evil head of security) show up and things gets sticky…with bloodshed!!!
Zorin leads Bond and Stacey into Stacey’s boss’s office and then tells him to call the cops because these two people broke into City Hall to kill him.
Then her boss cocks his head and says, in the worst acting in the series perhaps, “But…that would mean…I would have to be….” And then Zorin says, “Dead!” and shoots him.
Brilliant.
Clap clap clap.
Then the shit gets wicked as Zorin traps Bond and Stacey in an elevator while tossing Molotov cocktails all over the place.
I have never seen Walken more content in a role than he is here, throwing fire bombs all around a government building.
They leave with Bond and Stacey safely dying in the elevator.
But Bond. Does. Not. Die.
He and Stacey escape only to be accused of murder by the idiot San Fran Police which spurs a massive chase scene through the city with Bond driving a stolen fire engine and then giving the wheel to Stacey while Bond (for no fucking reason at all) climbs from the front to the back of the fire engine.
Eventually, Bond and Stacey outrun half a dozen police cars in a fire truck…somehow.
Hours later, they pull up to Zorin’s abandoned mine shaft base and they discover his stupid plan…to cause a “double earthquake”…something SO rare that Zorin had to invent a name for it…that will destroy all of silicon valley, leaving him in charge of all the world’s microchip production.
The sad thing is, I don’t think this is the stupidest plot in Bond history.
Long story short, Zorin kills everybody in the mine with either a machine gun (laughing all the while he is gunning them down, earning him another Psychopath Biscuit), an explosion, a flood or his bleached blond hair.
The only survivors are Bond, May Day, Stacey and Zorin’s people (the head of security and his Nazi doctor).
May Day sees that Zorin has killed a friend of hers and changes sides.
Her and Bond lift a huge bomb from out the San Andreas Fault and May Day sacrifices herself in order to foil Zorin’s crazy plan.
In retaliation for this thwarting, Zorin swoops down in his house/blimp and grabs Stacey.
Bond just barely grabs onto a conveniently placed rope hanging from the blimp and proceeds to make escape difficult for Zorin and his crew by tying the aforementioned conveniently placed rope around a part of the Golden Gate Bridge, hindering its movement.
Making the smartest decision there is, Zorin decides to step out onto the bridge and fight Bond with a fire ax.
After a battle that redefines the “Ax Fights On Top Of The Golden Gate Bridge” genre, Zorin tumbles from the bridge, screaming as only a thwarted Christopher Walken can: loudly.
But we’re not safe yet!!!!!!!!!
That blimp still holds a Nazi doctor and a newly unemployed head of security, neither of which are very fond…of Bond.
So, making the second smartest decision there is, the crazy old Nazi opens a safe and removes a bundle of dynamite…something you should never not have on a blimp and lights it.
He then proceeds to drop it when Bond chops the guy wire, setting the blimp free and next thing you know, Bond is short two nemeses.
It’s fuck time.
“A View To The Clap”
4* (Slutty blonde contact in sub, May Day—shudder, Natasha Banikov and Stacey the Erotic Geologist)

*Since this is Moore’s last hurrah they decided to REALLY milk him. Remember that one of these women got the Bond treatment for five days straight in a submarine.
I knew there was a reason Moore looked so wrinkled.

For Your Moonraker Only

12.7.06
4:47 PM
James Bond brings sound into the vacuum of space in…“Moonraker”.
Now, in most Bond movies there is a small amount of disbelief you must suspend. “Moonraker” tests just how far you are able to stretch said suspension properties.
Another title for this movie could have been “James Bond In Space”.
And speaking of the title, what the fuck is a moonraker?
For that matter, have we figured out what the fuck a thunderball is?
Goddamn it…
This one starts out with an awesome sky chase. I don’t mean helicopters or airplanes, I mean Bond getting thrown out of a plane without a parachute and being chased by the one, the only, the Captain of the Fuck You Up Brigade…Jaws.
During his time in the air, Bond “tackles” the pilot and steals his parachute but just as you think the fun is over, Jaws catches up with him.
Jaws is about to take off Bond’s ankle but they he pops his chute and Jaws plummets tens of thousands of feet to his death.
Or not.
See, in “Spy” you got a sense that Jaws was hardcore. But in “Moonraker”, you see he is actually a demigod.
The theme for this movie is probably the worst in my opinion.
Shirley Bassey has lost it, never to find it again.
Soon after the start of the film, we meet Hugo Drax who is to space what Max Stromburg was to water.
Literally.
There is no difference and the fact that they made these movies right one after the other just make the similarities stand out.
However, Drax is SO much better than Stromburg as far as personality.
Drax is so aware that he is a Bond villain that it shows through in every “death trap” he sets for Bond.
He tries to kill Bond by trapping him in a malfunctioning centrifuge, siccing an Aikido warrior on him, putting him under the rockets of a space shuttle about to launch and dropping him in a pool with a boa constrictor (which is, by the way, the only animal that maintains its original Latin name) after which he actually speaks the line “”You defy all my attempts at planning an amusing death for you.”
Excellent villain (even if he is rather long in the tooth when it comes to speeches).
When Bond first steps into the office, he tells Moneypenny (the lustful secretary who has been in every Bond movie since “From Russia With Love”), when she asks where he’s been, that someone pushed him out of an airplane.
I laughed my ass off because usually he has something clever to say but not this time.
“Someone pushed me out of an airplane.”
Brilliant!
He is then equipped with a wristwatch that fires cyanide tipped or explosive darts when one flips their wrist up and it is this device that saves Bond’s life in the haywire centrifuge. This is one of the only times a piece of Q equipment has directly saved Bond’s life.
Thanks, Q.
The watch also has a quantity of C4 and a detonator in it which Bond uses later.
A very not-fucking-around watch.
Bond then meets the fourth strong woman character in the series, a scientist and an astronaut.
Her name is Holly Goodhead.
Yea.
Strong woman, stupid name.
Bond spends some time at Drax’s huge fucking manor and sneaks into an office (after some sport fucking with a helicopter pilot who gets killed later for letting Bond into the office) where he takes pictures with his little spy camera.
The camera would be cool except for the “007” emblazoned it.
Way to be secret, Agent We-Found-Your-Camera.
At this point, I would like to take a moment to say that Sean Connery is SO much better dressed than Roger Moore it is funny.
It’s not, it’s actually rather pathetic.
Bond leads some goons on a boat chase through the canals of Venice with a Q-ed up gondola. Bond gets cornered and then flips the switch that turns the boat into a car and rolls through Venice, British Pimp style.
Big ups!!
Soon after that, he finds the secret lab where two scientists are moving these strange pods about.
Bond finds a vial of concentrated death and accidentally kills the scientists. He has no problem with this.
Nor does he have a problem with hurling the aforementioned Aikido warrior through a stained glass window and into a piano.
Then it’s sex with Goodhead and off to Rio for a romp with a totally random girl before a tram chase in which Bond and Goodhead narrowly escape while the whole fucking building collapses on Jaws who falls in love with a tiny blonde woman after dusting himself off.
Let’s go to the jungle.
Bond traces the concentrated death to a flower found in the Amazon and takes YET ANOTHER Q-ed up boat there. Somehow, Jaws finds his way into a boat behind Bond and starts firing a mortar cannon. Bond escapes by turning his boat into a hang glider this time and Jaws falls to his death yet again…or fucking does he?
No.
He picks up Bond by his face from the snake pool and marches him into the Big Bad Guy’s jungle launch pad.
Yes, jungle launch pad.
Next thing you know, everyone, including Bond is in space.
Add the Astronaut merit badge to Bond’s vest.
What’s next you ask?
Why a laser space battle between the U.S. Army’s 35th Spaceborne Division and Drax’s perfect humans.
Bond blows Drax out into space with a cyanide dart in his gut, which seems like overkill.
Jaws changes sides for his girlfriend and helps Bond and Dr. Excellentblowjob escape so they can shoot down the Death Pods flying towards our planet.
Bond and Goodhead succeed in blowing up the Evil while Jaws and his girlfriend crash into Earth in Drax’s space station…and survive completely unscathed.
See? Demigod.
Or maybe he’s just immune to falling from heights.
Anyway, at the end, the brass is trying to find Bond and suddenly the video feed pops up with Bond and Goodhead involved in some zero g fucking.
Rock on.
When M asks the general assembly what he’s doing, Q answers in earnest, “I think he’s attempting reentry.”
Rimshot!!
“Liceraker”:
3 (helicopter pilot who is later fed to dogs because of Bond, random cum dumpster Bond meets in Rio who serves very little purpose in this movie aside from receiving Herpes, Bond Herpes, and the good doctor Goodhead)

Hot, Greek archers abound in “For Your Eyes Only”.
This is it people. The end of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
We open on Bond in a cemetery, placing flowers on the grave of his late wife, Tracy.
He receives an urgent message that a helicopter has been sent to pick him up.
And everything is fine until we see a man in a wheelchair (apparently Bond crippled Blofeld in that mini sub swinging event back at the end of “Diamonds”) hit a button and electrocute the helicopter pilot!
Blofeld is controlling the helicopter via a remote and watches as Bond climbs out of the back, crawls around to the front and drops the dead pilot out of the chopper taunting “Mr. Bond, have you no respect for the dead?”
Ouch.
So Bond, right before Blofeld plants the chopper into the side of a building, wrests control back and spears Blofeld’s chair on the end of the landing gear and drops him down a chimney, ending (at least in the subsequent Bond movies) his life.
Fina-fucking-ly.
The question is, what do you do after you vanquish your archnemesis?
The answer: you make a sub-par Bond film.
I have to say that this movie didn’t really hold my attention.
There were good points (like the very first night scene shot at night in the franchise!!!), but overall, watching this Bond movie was the only time (thus far) I have felt that I was completing a task.
But here we go.
We meet a new M (since the old one died between “Moonraker” and “Eyes”) and he is sub-par as well. Doesn’t have the same disdainful respect for Bond that the original M did. We learn that some piece of equipment has been stolen from the wreckage of a ship and both the Russians and the British want it.
Somehow, Bond’s mission gets tied up with a revenge mission some hot Greek chick is on.
Someone killed her family and her and her arrows are going to find out why.
Her and Bond both arrive in Cuba, but she kills this dude with an arrow which leads to a VW Bug chase because some henchmen broke into Bond’s amazing 80’s car (which went well with the amazing 80’s music in this movie. Jesus God did it ever.) causing it to explode.
Please stand back, this car is protected by fucking flaming death.
The two follow the trail of some crazy assassin who looks like a squishy Tim Robbins (who Bond identifies by using a ridiculously outdated “Identograph” that Q devised. Imagine recreating a human face with a MAC from 1983) here and there and meet some asshole who happens to be the sponsor of a tasty piece of American Olympic ice skating jail bait who wants Bond to do figure eights on her clitoris the instant she lays eyes on him.
She later sneaks into his room and says, “I will do anything for you”.
At this point, she is like 17 and Bond is like 55 so he says the words “Get dressed” for the first time in the series and buys her a soda.
It appears that her sponsor is trying to help Bond but TWISTY TWIST TWIST!!!!! he is really the Big Bad Guy! FUCK!
So Bond teams up with the Big Bad Guy's Big Bad Guy, this sexy Greek man who is constantly eating pistachios.
I don’t like pistachios.
By the way, this Greek guy knows Bond so well…he lures him to a meeting by offering him a woman.
Bond is assaulted by motorcycle thugs, a German Olympic ski assassin (who happens to be great at the biathlon…which is ridiculous. Skiing and firing a rifle? What the fuck? The ancient Greeks DID NOT do that, naked and covered in grease or otherwise. Still better than curling I suppose.) and the New York Rangers, and he dispatches all of them.
He and the girl also survive a keelhauling with adequate aplomb.
Thanks to a helpful parrot, Bond, the Greek girl and Pistachio Man find out that all their missions are intertwined and decide they must storm a mountain base.
Rad.
We see Bond painstakingly climb a sheer face of rock until some thugs knocks out his pitons and he is forced to get Ninja on them dropping them to their gaijin dog deaths.
They storm the mountain base successfully and Bond obtains the A.L.T.A.K. right before the Russian General shows up to claim it and then destroys in right in front of him.
“Detent, General” Bond says with a smirk.
After this, we see that the sexy Greek man will be making gyros out of the ice skaters anus and the Greek girl wins second or third place for “Worse Use of the Title of A Bond Movie in the Movie” award by dropping her clothes to the floor and saying, “For your eyes only, James…”
Like we’re supposed to believe she’s a virgin.
Yeah right, and Greek men are all hairless and clean.
“Blood Test Results For Your Eyes Only”
2 (the bait Mr. Sexy Greek gives to James and Arrow Girl)

The Spy Who Loved Gun

12.06.06
4:46 PM
Sticking with the supernatural feel of “Live and Let Die”, Bond next takes on Dracula…in a track suit aka Francisco Scaramanga, “The Man With The Golden Gun”.
However, Bond has just smitten the God of Death Himself, how could anyone top that with just Dracula?
I’ll tell you how: with a motherfucking midget, that’s how.
That’s right, Christopher Lee is a top shelf assassin who charges one million dollars a hit…and he’s been teamed up with Herve Villechaize from Fantasy Island and Forbidden Zone.
This is probably one of the best Bond themes, not just because it’s super awesome, but because it fits so well into the different scenes of the movie.
Let me clarify, in a lot of Bond movies, the theme will be reinterpreted with various orchestration. The “Man” theme adapted for a chase scene is excellent. It gives a lot of dynamism while the slinky version used in the boner scenes makes you even harder.
Anyway, it appears that Bond is being tracked by this bloodsucking Spawn of Satan and so he decides to hunt him down and kill him first.
Bond goes to see the last person who was with 002 who was reportedly killed by Saruman. This turns out to be a belly dancer of sorts.
After the show, Bond goes in to “meet” her. And by “meet” I mean “suck the golden bullet that killed 002 that the dancer dug from of the wall and put in her belly button as a good luck charm out of her belly button”. Just as he accomplishes this, three totally random guys burst in and proceed to beat the shit out of Bond.
We saw them watching him watching the girl earlier but other than that, no fucking reason these assholes are tooling up on Bond.
Always kind of bothered me.
Q gets a nice dig at Bond when Bond is clueless about some ammunition maker. It’s good to see him win one now and again.
Bond follows this dude to some casino where there is a wild, two-floor betting game involving baskets. I have NO fucking clue what it is, but if it’s anything like the complicated looking card games Bond is used to, it is as simple as having a higher number card than the person on the floor above you.
Bond follows the bullets to Maud Adams who serves as Goldie’s glad rag.
Allow me elucidate…in the theme song (done SO well by Lulu) she sings the line “love is required/whenever he’s hired/he comes just before the kill”.
This means EXACTLY what it says.
So, right before he is to kill someone, he bones Maud Adams, who has cheekbones enough for China.
After the sex, he gets kind of Dracula and starts staring at her and thrusting his gun in her face and it is VERY creepy.
We then see the Bottoms Up club…a Hong Kong titty bar.
Where are Bill Murray’s politely confused countenance and Scarlett Johansen’s gorgeous ass listening to Peaches when you need them?
Outside the titty bar, some dude gets blasted and Bond gets arrested…or does he?
No, he doesn’t.
He gets taken to the wreckage of the Queen Mary Elizabeth…which is actually a hidden base for M and his friends.
Once there, he ups the stakes by telling Q to make him a third nipple.
Why?
Because he is James Bond, secret agent 007 and he wants a fucking third nipple.
And because although no one has ever seen Scaramanga it is known, for some strange reason, that he has a superfluous (thank God) third nipple.
Bond nipples his way into this Chinese industrialist’s home where he meets a naked Chinese girl named (phonetically) Chew Me and tricks the aforementioned Chinese dude (who is in cahoots with the real Scaramanga and ends up tricking Bond) into inviting him for dinner only to be ambushed when he returns to the dude’s place for dinner by two Sumo wrestlers. Bond gives one of them a hyper wedgie and is then knocked unconscious by the midget, Nick Nack.
Then things get awesome.
Bond awakens and finds himself surrounded by hot Chinese dumplings covering him with washcloths and bringing him tea. He thinks he is in heaven…but he is actually in Hell…Karate Hell.
After a moment, the room fills with many severe looking Asian dudes, two of whom spar with swords to the death. Then some harsh badger of a man comes out and kicks air for a bit. Then, Bond must school him and does so by kicking him in the face. Tally ho!
However, that guy was just the soup and salad, this next guy is steak, baby. Ninja Gaiden and Thomas from Kung Fu times hardcore.
Bond karates around a bit then punches this motherfucker in the head and dives out the fucking window only to be met by his contact that brought him to the Queen Mary earlier.
Him…and these two Chinese schoolgirls…
In a second, the karate school bursts open like 3D Karate Champ.
Bond, being the utter gentleman, tells the girls to step back.
They disregard his candor and the proceed to fucking rape these karate school pupils.
Turns out they themselves are Kid Ninjas.
They mop the floor of this Chinese pain restaurant but then, for some stupid reason, the guy and his Sailor Moon cadets drive off without Bond who is forced into a boat chase in a boat much thinner than those in “Live and Let Die”.
Thin boat of not, Bond dispatches the entire Karate school crew team (with the help of a little brown boy that Bond heroically throws into the filthy water).
During his victorious saunter off screen we see an old friend…the one and only Sheriff J.W. Pepper, on holiday in Asia with his equally fat and repulsive wife.
But we’ll come back to him.
Bond takes his contact, Goodnight, a sweet British tart, out to dinner and is presented with Chinese wine, Phoo Yuk. He propositions Goodnight…and she fucking turns him down.
Bam. The sound of two knees clapping…shut.
Bond is so shocked that all he can utter is…Phoo Yuk.
A moment later Bond returns to his room, probably about to masturbate for the first time in 35 years…when he hears a noise and pulls his gun.
If he can’t fuck, then by God he will kill (and probably torture in order to let off some steam).
But there is no need to kill…for it is only Goodnight wearing a scandalous nightie.
When Bond questions her about her frigid vagina a minute ago she simply responds “I’m weak”, a summary of almost every single woman character in every Bond movie.
But anyway, right as Bond is about to have a Goodnight…bam, Cheekbones LaRou busts in giving Goodnight only a fraction of a second to hide in the closet.
She lays it all on the table.
She wants him to kill Dracula. In return she will get him the Solex agitator, some little thing that Scaramanga has that will end the energy crisis.
Aside from money, she will also give Bond cheek.
Bond takes a down payment and then, after she’s left, lets Goodnight out of the closet.
She is upset.
The meeting place for the hand off is a Sumo match. Bond has all his people (the one guy and Goodnight) surround the place, but then finds that Cheek has been killed in front of everyone.
But how?! Only a master assassin could…oh, right.
Bond meets Scaramanga and he tells Bond he enjoyed meeting him very much and please stay out of my way.
Next thing we know, Goodnight is in the trunk of Scaramanga car with the Solex thingy with Bond and Sheriff Pepper chasing them in a stolen car.
Bond (ninja, secret agent) adds a new skill to his resume: stunt driver by driving from one section of broken bridge through the air onto another.
He corners Goldie at a garage and is about to make a frontal assault when the Hong Kong Police (“pointy heads” the Sheriff lovingly refers to them as) pull up and he makes his escape with the help of a flying car modification to his ride.
Very Grand Theft Auto patch.
Bond finds his way to the Island of Dracula where Goodnight has been wandering around in a bikini…just because.
Then Lee turns into the best host ever. He gives Bond a tour, he feeds him lunch and gives him champagne.
He then challenges him to a dual.
His golden gun vs. Bond’s Walther PPK.
Then things get weird…
A little background on this man avec le gun de gold.
He was raised in a circus as a trick shot.
His only friend was an elephant.
One day the trainer shot the elephant in the eye.
The elephant came to Scaramanga and stood on one leg.
Scaramanga shot the trainer.
And thus we have a total explanation for the last scene of the movie.
Bond takes his twenty paces and turns around, firing at nothing.
Sarumanga has disappeared into his hideout.
Nick Nack tells Bond how to find him and leads him into Scaramanga’s personal assassin’s fun house, complete with mirrors, wax dummies of Al Capone and confetti.
Not really, but I like confetti.
Bond looks fucked because he loses his Walther but just as things are looking grim, Bond (dressed as the wax dummy of himself that Scaramanga has in his fun house “just because”) comes to life and blows Scaramanga away.
Bond gets the solar thingy thus solving the energy crisis and sails off in a Chinese junk for some Chinese junk fucking right as the island is exploding because Goodnight threw a lecherous technician into a vat of liquid helium.
You go girl.
Right as penetration looks imminent, Nick Nack, with a knife in his teeth, drops from the ceiling of the bedroom and attacks Bond and Goodnight. He kicks Bond in the shins, hides under a table and then begins hurling bottles of wine at the two of them.
So Bond does the only reasonable thing there is to do: he locks the Midget in a suitcase and then confines him to the crow’s nest.
Game over you stubby little fuck.
At the end of the movie, we hear a different theme that actually has the words “Good night, good night. Good night/Sleep well my dear/don’t worry/James Bond is here” (or something along those lines) to the original theme tune. It’s stupid as all hell, but Lulu’s gotta sing.
The Man With The Golden Genital Warts:
2 (Maud “Miss Cheeks of Ethiopia” Adams and Goodnight)

At this point in history, Britain was more frightened of Russia than they were of Dracula so they scrapped the Return of Scaramanga with Nick Nack as Renfield and went with “The Spy Who Loved Me” (“Me” referring to James Bond, not you).
This movie has been described as “You Only Live Twice” but underwater.
And a lot of stuff, if one watched YOLT and then this back to back, might seem similar, such as the Big Bad Guy with a crazy base (underwater instead of in a hallowed out volcano), the mystery vessel that swallows other vessels (space pod in YOLT and a huge fucking boat in Spy) plus both have an all out assault on the Big Bad Guy's bases).
However, there are a few things that this one has that YOLT didn’t.
Namely, a car (first in a while) that turns into a submarine, a female, Russian James Bond and one of the most badass Bond badasses ever: Jaws.
You see a bit of it here, but this mother trucker really shines in “Moonraker”.
He is a henchman of one Max Stromburg, the crazy bastard who steals a bunch of nukes in order to wipe humans on the face of the Earth. He then plans to either repopulate the Earth or bring a chosen few on Earth down into his underwater cities.
Like I said, a crazy bastard. Cranky too.
We see him kill three people in like three minutes; first, his secretary who he drops from his elevator of death (v 2.0) into a shark pool of death (v 3.0), then the two scientists who were working with him by blowing up their helicopter.
Actually, I suppose that’s four people in three minutes if you include the helicopter pilot.
God, what an asshole.
Anyway, Jaws is sent by him to find some microfilm (not to be confused with microfiche. NEVER to be confused with microfiche) and kill anyone that has it.
A moment, if you will.
I have used microfiche in the library when I was younger, but, outside of spy movies, does microfilm even exist?
If so, where can I get some?
I want some fucking microfilm for my birthday.
Okay?
Back to the thing, Bond starts this movie off with a bang by killing a bunch of Russians and then jumping off a huge goddamn cliff to his death…or so it seems. At the last moment, he pops his chute, which is emblazoned with a Union Jack. Way to go, secret agent, they’ll never know who killed their spies now.
We see M and his Russian counterpart, General Gogol assigning their best people to the case of the stolen nukes. In the U.K., Bond, in the U.S.S.R., Agent Triple X.
Yes folks, Vin Diesel is a copycat AND a hulking bull dick.
Eventually they end up in Cairo, both trying to buy the microfilm from some scummy Egyptian.
A moment later, the Egyptian is killed by Jaws.
And how does Jaws kill someone?
By biting their fucking throat open.
That is the very DEFINITION of hardcore.
Soon, it’s Bond and XXX vs. Jaws in the Pyramids.
They drop thirty tons of sandstone on him and escape, but only after he rips their bumper off with his bare hands.
They get on a boat where Bond tries to put things in her, but she sprays him with fucking knockout gas.
Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
Eventually they find out that Stromburg is the Big Bad Guy.
Something interesting about Stromburg and his forces…he appears in every way to be SPECTRE right down to the colors of the bad guys (yellow and black) but SPECTRE is all about ransom, not word destruction.
Anyway, after Bond visits the villain as a marine biologist, Stromburg confirms that they are, indeed, spies and sends fucking everything after them. There is a car, a motorcycle and a helicopter....above ground. After Bond uses his magic car to destroy them, he drives off a pier into the ocean…where his car becomes a submarine. He then launches a Polaris style missile at the chopper blowing it to hell and gone.
Everything seems ducky until a fucking mini sub loaded with bad guys shows up. Bond actually commits an act of underwater vehicular manslaughter. That is a new one.
At some point before the Big Battle, XXX finds out that one of the Russians Bond killed at the beginning was her lover, YYY. She vows that when the mission is over, she will kill him.
Soon after, there is a boat battle and then the U.S. fires nukes at Stromburg’s underwater sex garden…but wait, you can’t destroy it yet…XXX is in there and Bond has to save her!!
So he shows up, shoots that asshole Stromburg in the crotch five times then faces off against Jaws. Now, up to this point Jaws has been buried in sandstone, dropped off a cliff in a car and thrown out of a speeding train and he has recovered from all events unscratched. So what the fuck does Bond, WITHOUT A WEAPON, do to this massive manimal? He punches him in the teeth. The fucking dolt.
After realizing that his teeth are actually metal and not just shiny, he uses a ceiling mounted electromagnet to pick him up off the ground and then drop him into the shark pool of death…where Jaws bites a fucking shark to death.
HARDCORE!!!
He then rescues the Ruskie and they escape in an escape pod.
Now that the mission is over, Bond wants to risk fatherhood with this tasty Red babe, so he turns to get the champagne (there is ALWAYS champagne around when he needs it) and turns back to find XXX pointing a gun at him.
Just as we think something is about to happen, the writers realize there is nothing left in them and have her just change her mind, forgetting her lover, YYY, and embracing the enemy with her iron meat curtains. Mother Russia? Prepare to get plowed.
The Spy Who Loved Pussy:
2 (_______, some girl who I have forgotten and Agent XXX, better Red head than dead head)

Live and Let Diamonds

12.5.06
7:47 PM
And as if no time has passed….
Bam, the final (official) Connery Bond…Diamonds Are Forever.
The last time was saw Bond, he was weeping over his gunned down wife. The last time we saw Blofeld he was driving away from the murder scene…with the smoking machine gun in his hands.
Therefore it’s no surprise that we first see Bond hunting down Blofeld. When he finally gets him, he buries him in a ton of mud…or does he?
Blofeld appears from the other side of the room and taunts Bond for about thirty seconds before Bond turns the tables, exhibits his ninja skills from “You Only Live Twice” with some scalpel throwing and then plunges Blofeld, headfirst, into a vat of boiling stuff.
Did I mention that Blofeld is now played by Charles Gray. The Narrator from the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well he is.
Deal with it.
This is a cheese-fest from start to finish, but everyone is having fun, including the gay hitmen, Mr. Wint (played to the nines by Crispin Hellion Glover’s creepy fuck of a father, Bruce Glover) and Mr. Kidd.
These crazy, gay fucks use any means necessary to kill whoever they’re told to: scorpions, cake bombs, flaming skewers of meat…you name it.
Bond only has sex with a record ONE woman, (who, when she appears from her room wearing a very short, totally see-through scarf kind of thing and pretty much nothing else, he comments to “Well, that a lovely little nothing you’re almost wearing.” That line goes up there with “She is very sexyful.”) but she is so whorish that I’m going to count her as at least three.
In fact, he would have boned a casaba-breasted girl named Plenty O’Toole (“Named after your father, I assume?”) if it hadn’t have been for that scummy redhead. So, I’ll say three.
There is a genuinely frightening moment when Bond is knocked out and put into a coffin which is then put into a crematorium (the gay hitmen strike again). He is surrounded by the flames and is in serious shit until he is (obviously) saved, but it is one of the rare times we see him in mortal danger without a gadget or his wits to save him.
And it’s a scary fucking way to go.
Trust me.
It is also confirmed later that Bond is, indeed, a card carrying member of the Playboy Club.
Bond runs amok in a moon buggy through the Nevada desert and swings into Vegas (which looks awesome in the 70’s).
Q cheats at the slot machines and Blofeld dresses up like a woman.
Eventually we find out that Blofeld (who is by far the most polite villain so far) is basically using a Star Wars-esque device to blow up cites in the world unless he gets money.
In the end, we see Blofeld in his escape sub being swung around by Bond but we never see the end of Blofeld…will we ever?
Yes.
But not yet.
It’s a very fun movie made even more so by the gay hitmen, the time warping Blofeld and again by the creepy-as-all-get-out-I-cannot-describe-in-words-how-fucking-creepy-he-is Bruce Glover playing his role to the hilt.
Herpes Are Forever:
1 (Tiffany Case, the reason why this was the last Connery Bond. He contracted mega-clap from her and his brain melted)

At this point, the Bond people thought that Connery and SPECTRE were both getting a little old, so they recast Bond with one Roger Moore and pitted him against something even more terrifying that an international terrorist agency bent on taking over the world…namely black people, heroin, crocodiles, amputees, voodoo and the God of Death Himself, Baron Samadhi.
This is “Live and Let Die”.
The bottom line is Paul McCartney approves of this new Bond and so must the rest of the world. He showed his approval by creating the theme song.
In order to show that this new Bond is tough on racism, the makers of this work made sure to have plenty of images of black women on fire in the opening title scene.
And while some people might see this as a bit offensive, I saw it for what it truly was: a subtle warning for any and all black people to stay the fuck out of Britain.
The first time we see the new Bond, he is lying in post-coital bliss with some smoking hot piece of Italian twizzini. We see him in his own home for the first time.
He has a cappuccino maker.
We also see him rock a new superwatch which doubles as a powerful electromagnet and a buzzsaw. Yes. A buzzsaw.
A few high up Brits have been killed, one stabbed by a midget, one voodooed to death and the third had his mind blown at the United Nations. I still don’t get that one, but whatever, I also don’t get how Bond doesn’t have AIDS either.
On his way to the UN some fat, black guy kills his driver and sends him careening down FRD drive at rush hour. We later find out that this tubby bitch is Whisper, a pointless henchman of the New York based drug lord, Mr. Big. Not too be confused with the boss in Kung Fu, N.A.R.C. or the 80’s band that sang “Wild World”.
At one point, Bond follows the Whispery bitch up into Harlem…in the 1970’s.
Long story short, the music is FOUNKHAY!
Bond is referred to as a honky, a jive cat, a cue ball and “Jim” (not as in the abbreviated form of James but the Negro slang for “some white guy trying to follow a brother into Harlem in a taxi cab”).
He then gets rescued by a CIA agent who has a car with a lighter that is a radio. When Bond hears Felix on the radio, he turns and says, “A genuine Felix lighter.”
It is then that he becomes James Bond.
Eventually, we see him bop down to San Monique because the UN ambassador from there (Dr. Kananga) is somehow wrapped up in this.
While checking his hotel room for bugs as he always does, he pulls out what can only be described as a Morse code brush, but he either doesn’t get it or it doesn’t work because after a moment or two of fruitless clicking he puts it down and walks away.
To this day I have no idea what the fuck that thing is.
If someone can help me, please do.
Anyway, back to San Monique.
Here we meet Quarrel Jr., the son of the boat guy from “Dr.No” who gets killed by a dragon and Rosie, the inept CIA agent who ends up double crossing Bond. After some hot chocolate (always after), Bond puts a gun in her face and demands the truth. She runs off and is killed by voodoo gun statues.
Good riddance.
She was an idiot and even Bond makes reference to the fact that she was only good for one thing…an interracial facial.
Of course, Bond can’t be without twang for long, so it’s good that soon after he loses Rosie the Dick Warmer he meets Solitaire, the Big Bad Guy's tarot card dealing, future reading babe.
Bond rigs her deck of tarot cards in order to infiltrate her hymen (see she is only gifted with prognostication if she is a virgin). Once her hymen is infiltrated, all she wants is for Bond to predicked her orgasm over and over.
Ah, the virgin whore.
Then again, what do you expect? Bond is puffing on a comically large cigar for most of this movie and we all know that cigars mean you have sex with fortune tellers.
Bond ends up in New Orleans, where there are more black people.
Black people and crocodiles.
And a boat chase.
And Sheriff J. W. Pepper of the Louisiana State Police.
This man is how the British see white Americans.
The drug dealing pimps are how they view black Americans and this guy is how they view white Americans.
See, the British? They’re better than all of us.
Yeah.
Fucking crumpet pumpers.
Anyway, this guy is all scrunched up face and chewing tobacco and calling black people “boy”.
He is also fucking ridiculously hilarious.
He is the white equivalent of a minstrel show. There you are. In a nutshell.
Around this time, Bond leads the bad guys on a chase around an airfield with some old white chick in the co-pilot chair. Strange but funny.
Then it’s back to business.
Bond is sent in at night (although apparently back then when you wanted to film at night you actually filmed during the day with a blue filter over your lens. I remember back in “Dr. No” that the moon was SO bright that people were squinting…well that’s because it was the sun. And here we are about a decade later and it hasn’t improved at all) to clean house and rescue the girl…as usual.
Although for this raid, then equip him with a weird looking gun that shoots compressed air pellets and a .357 magnum.
Anyway, we see his lady friend about to be sacrificed to the God of Death when Bond fucking unloads and blows his fucking head off…literally. It turns out that the God of Death was just a statue…or was it?
From the shattered remains of this fake God of Death comes the REAL God of Death, who Bond quickly throws into a coffin filled with poisonous snakes.
It’s how he would have wanted it.
Then Bond and the deflowered tarot reader descend into the Big Bad Guy’s totally nondescript base where the villain (who is Dr. Kananga dressed as Mr. Big) ties Bond and Solitaire to a crane that lowers them into shark water. Oh, the bad guy has also cut Bond’s arm so as to attract the sharks.
Cunning.
Long story short, Bond escapes using the buzzsaw watch and opens a compressed air capsule inside the bad guy, popping him like a creepy, bowrn flesh balloon.
And after that, everything is okay, right?
WRONG! FUCKING WRONG!
Because Tee Hee, the one armed, one steel clawed motherfucker who failed at feeding Bond to the crocs is on the train with him somehow!!
Bond flips him out the window, wrenching off the steel arm (I wince every time).
He then continues to fuck Solitaire as we see, sitting on the front of the train, Baron Samadhi, the God of Death.
He is laughing.
At Bond.
But that doesn’t stop the credits.
Live and Let Die from AIDS:
3 (Tight little Italian job, Roise the Fucking Dunce and Solitaire, who deals the anal card…every time)

On Her Majesty Only Twice

11.15.06
4:50 PM
In the first five minutes of “You Only Live Twice” we see an astronaut go hurtling off into the vast coldness of space, hear James Bond says the words, “Why is it that Chinese girls taste different than other girls?” and then watch as he is killed.
Stakes…you have just fucking been raised.
An alternate title for this movie might very well be: “James Bond Goes To Japan” or “James Bond and the Ninjas”.
Pesky old SPECTRE is at it again. But this time they are taking money from the Japanese to start a world war between Russia and the US. God damn they are an efficient people.
AND we finally get to see the face of SPECTRE leader…#1.
He is an ugly, ugly man.
We see the first ridiculous Big Bad Guy Hideout. In this case, the inside of a hollowed out, dormant volcano.
We also hear the head of the Japanese Secret Service say, in reference to a woman Bond has chosen as his massage girl, “She is very sexyful.”
This line had the honor of being the first thing added to the Wall O’ Stuff in my dorm senior year.
This is one of the most parodied Bond’s, lampooned by both Austin Powers and The Simpsons (“You Only Move Twice” from the epic and perfect season 8).
The theme is a great one as well. Very fitting for the movie, although they never really explain how Bond survives being folded up into a diabolical Murphy bed and hit with like 1,000 rounds from three sub machine guns.
One of the most important elements of this movie is that James Bond is now a ninja. He had a three or four day crash course and now he is one with the shadows. In fact, he even kills a man with a throwing star. It is fantastic.
In the end, #1’s cat freaks out, there is one of the coolest scenes ever in which the Ninjas storm the base and face off against the forces of SPECTRE* where they fight with guns, swords, grenades, throwing stars and sheer brawn, and the whole fucking place explodes when #1 pulls the self-destruct lever.
Excellent Bond movie.
As for the ladies…
You Only Jizz Thrice = 3 (cute Asian JSS liaison who later gets the poison that was intended for Bond, ANOTHER smoking evil Redhead who turns out to be none other that SPECTRE’s #11**, another cute Asian girl who does not get poisoned…that we know of.)

*Ladies, if you are ever with a man and he is having erectile troubles, just say the phrase “SPECTRE vs. ninjas” and if he isn’t harder than steel in an instant, he is not a real man and should be castrated.

**She was fed to piranha for failing #1. Hottest fish food I have ever seen.

Now, what could be more shocking than killing James Bond in the lead in? Replacing him with another actor of course!

“On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” ushered out the Sean Connery Bond and ushered in the George Lazenby Bond.
For one movie.
Then Connery was hastily ushered back in, in hopes that no one would remember “that Australian guy”.
And what better way to make us forget a Bond than to dress him in a kilt?
If you think I’m kidding, that’s all right. I don’t believe it either.
This guy wasn’t a terrible Bond, but he just didn’t have the face for it. It was sort of soft and forgettable, but other than that, I think he was okay.
OHMSS was when the tongue was surgically grafted to the cheek. You can tell because the first line of the movie is Q telling M the benefits of miniaturizing, then showing him Q Branch’s latest breakthrough…radioactive lint. The tongue on cheek action doesn’t end there though…
At the end of the lead in, we see a mysterious girl taken from Bond by kidnappers. After they have driven away, he turns to the camera (right at the fucking thing) and says, with a grin, “This never happened to the other fellow.”
On one hand, this could be an implication that the rank of 007 and the name of “James Bond” are just numbers, masks and that ANYONE can be Secret Agent James Bond, 007…but no, that was the late 60’s sticking its diseased fingers into the Bond franchise. Let’s go smoke some opium.
Aside from these two cheeky/tonguey moments, we see Bond resigning from MI6 and then packing a bag. He begins to remove items from his desk…first, the knife and scabbard that Honey Ryder was wearing in “Dr. No”, then the wristwatch/garrote wire that belonged to SPECTRE henchman Donald Grant in “From Russia With Love” and finally, the tiny breathing apparatus from “Thunderball”. When each item is pulled out, a snatch of the theme from that movie is played.
If that wasn’t enough, at one point, Bond is being escorted (at gunpoint) to meet who he thinks is a Big Bad Guy (but who turns out to be an ally named Count Draco) we see a midget janitor sweeping up…and whistling the “Goldfinger” theme.
Subtlety, thy name is Whistling Midget.
This movie focuses on Operation: Bedlam which is all about finding Ernst Stvro Blofeld after he escaped from the exploding volcano in “You Only Live Twice”. Bond hooks up with this Count and agrees to marry his daughter (Tracy) is exchange for info on Blofeld’s whereabouts. Romance xmax.
After a montage, her and James fall in love and Bond discovers part of Blofeld’s insidious plot. He then disguises himself as a genealogist and is taken to Blofeld’s hideout/research facility/mountain getaway. We see Blofeld is now Telly Savales, but since Bond is now George Lazenby, no one says anything.
This actually bothers me a bit: at the end of “You Only Live Twice”, Blofeld (Donald Plesance in this movie) and Bond come face to face for the first time, yet when Bond meets him in OHMSS, there is no recognition on either part.
We get to check out the first of several ski chases, complete with crazy stunts and terrible blue screen and M’s home, where we learn he is into butterflies. How British…spearing and quietly cataloguing beautiful, dead insects.
Bond finds out that Blofeld is brainwashing a bunch of International hotties to use them to spread a plague of his own invention called Virus Omega. Sounds scary but…Telly Savales. Bond and Draco drop in on Blofeld and blowfeld the shit out of his operation. All is well until the end of the movie…
The end of this movie made me cry as a child and, to this day, I have only seen it three times.
Once when I was a child, once my sophomore summer at Fordham and earlier today.
As a child, my mom would take me to Couch Potato Video on 2nd Ave. between 69th and 68th (it’s gone now, replaced by something colder and more modern) and I would, like all 7-year olds, look at every fucking movie in the place, and then rent one of the 30 or so I always rented (Labyrinth, Care Bears, some fairy tale series that used big name actors and told the original stories without the Disney glammer, Police Academy movies, Little Shop of Horrors (musical version) and others). All the Bond movies were in the same place and each one was watched so often by me that they each had an emotion attached to it. I remembered feelings rather than scenes. Every time I saw the box for OHMSS, I became sad. I’m not talking about pouty sad, I’m talking about tears welling up in my eyes sad.
What is it that so traumatized little Paul you might ask? Well, I’ll tell you.
After a prolonged luge chase (only one in the series regrettably), Blofeld appears to have been killed and Bond is married to his love, Tracy.
While driving to his honeymoon with Tracy, he pulls over to change a tire.
Suddenly, Blofeld and his heanchcow, Frauline Bunt, roll up and pull a fucking drive-by on Bond and his new wife.
Now, obviously an adult, knowing the dangers of Bond’s career, would have seen this coming, but as a wide-eyed, innocent 7-year old, I did not.
When I found out that James Bond’s new wife was dead, killed by Blofeld, I was ruined. I cried and cried despite the fact that “it was just a movie, it was just a movie” as my mother kept telling me. I felt so bad for James Bond, who was the sun and moon to a kid like me, and I was so affected by the death of his wife that I didn’t watch the movie again for about 15 years.
Upon this reflection, a greater truth becomes apparent: I don’t think I am able to say with any authority that any of these movies are good or bad. I can only talk about them and how good I think they are. As in, they are all good, but some range from good to super good to good xmax etc.
Keep that in mind, if you would.
On Her Majesty’s Swollen Bellend…
OHMSS = 3 (Tracy Draco Bond—pre-assassination, British chick who was allergic to chicken that sort of reminds me of Frenchy from “Grease”, foreign chick who was allergic to potatoes)