I don't role play much, but almost every time I have, Philip Tucker has been the DM/GM/Storyteller/whatever you nerds call it.
Below is an account of one of the best, if not
the best role playing experience I have ever had.
It was all thanks to Phil and further proves how insane, brilliant and beautiful his mind is.
If this doesn't make you want to read more of his work...well, then you're an accountant.
Sorry to be so harsh...but you are.
Enjoy.
These events transpired roughly between 4:30am and 6:30am on Monday, December 22nd, 2008.
Philip utilized the White Wolf dice system which entails the use of 10 sided dice.
He used a random number generating website for dice rolls.
Characters have skills, attributes, etc. that range from 0 to 5, five being world class.
All "dots" were assigned on the fly, in the context of my character, there was no character sheet.
Throughout the playing of the game, the Mickey Avalon album was on shuffle and repeat, although at specific and key moments, Phil would play
"My Dick".
Character name: Mickey Avalon
Description: 13 year old kid from the Philippians, a hustler working for Mammon.
Found myself at a bar, sweating out drugs which I had taken in place of food and water after a three week party that left me stranded in the desert. I received a call on my cell from Mammon's number and was told by a voice that Mammon wanted to see me.
I told him to send a car to get me and then I turned back to the bartender, who was a pre-op transsexual, and flirted with him, tweaking his nipples (which he did not feel).
A zebra-striped limo arrived outside and a thick, monk-looking fellow in a robe stepped out. I recognized him and got in.
Disco lights and purple fringe.
Half the limo's interior was blood spattered and the rest was bare where the interior had been torn up.
The windows were tinted from the inside and I couldn't see where we were going.
We arrived outside a hotel on South Beach, it was one of Mammon's headquarters.
I asked the monk for a knife (the weapon with which I am most familiar) and he told me he never carried weapons because-- and then I cut him off and walked inside.
Went to the elevator in the back. Mist poured out as it opened and there was only one button which read "MY DICK". I pushed it and was taken to the fourth floor where I arrived at the remains of a party. I noticed Lenny Kravitz in a sex swing wearing assless chaps and lipstick. I took the wallet of some unconscious rich man as well as a letter opener that had been stabbed through his hand. I then noticed the up and coming flyweight boxing champion sitting in the corner muttering to himself over a deck of Tarot cards, all of which were "The Fool", I entered Mammon's office where he sat behind a desk, with the monk at his side, I had NOT seen the monk pass me on the way here and there were no other exits or entrances to this room.
Mammon was described to me as being obscenely corpulent. I was told he might have a chair under him somewhere and that he was probably pantsless, as usual. Mammon also has long, curly white hair that went down to his ass. It was wispy enough to trail behind him a moment after he stopped moving. He tells me about a job that will pay $10,000 as opposed to my usual $2,000. I say "hit me" and then lose an initiative roll by one die. I feel "the tiniest prick ever enter my ass". I asked Philip for confirmation and he rephrases the statement to inform me that the monk (who is half monk and half ninja) has injected something from a syringe into my ass. Mammon informs me I've been infected with "some Japanese synth shit" and I will be dead within six hours. Also in the syringe was a custom made STD and my mission is to infect someone with it, then, Mammon tells me, I will get my money and the cure.
I decide to go against my normal impulse and I jump up on his desk and put my letter opener less than an inch from his eye. The monk/ninja fails his roll and "stumbles over an imaginary turtle, which he then stops to contemplate". Mammon calmly tells me that his foot is now depressing a pedal under his desk that is rigged to 18 Desert Eagles hidden in and around his desk, all pointed up as a failsafe against his death. If I kill him they all go off. I interrupt him by pushing the letter opener three inches into his eye. At this moment, the ninja/monk kicks me in the back of the head, causing the letter opener to go further in. As I fall behind the desk, I hear "an ominous click" from inside Mammon's skull and an instant later, napalm is spraying out of his eyes, nose and mouth, drenching the ninja/monk (who landed right where I had been a moment ago) in jellied fire. He falls to the ground, silently. I kill him, just in case. I then search the desk and find one Desert Eagle, a few boxes of shells, $200,000 in cash, about a dozen car keys and a pillow case labeled "Virgin's Blood" which is full of cocaine. Under the desk I find a flamethrower with a full tank. I take the car keys, the money and the DE with some shells. I also cut a huge line of coke to ease my pain. As I'm coming back around, a razor sharp Fool Tarot card buries itself in surface of the desk. I turn to see the boxer has just thrown one and is about to throw another. I take a shot with my DE and miss. He throws again and I attempt to catch the card in my teeth. I fail and cut the shit out of my mouth.
As I'm preparing to shoot again, the wall behind me explodes inward. I look over my shoulder to see a clump of pink tentacles questing around the room; they are moving in a sort of pattern which I cannot discern because I fail a Perception (4) and Crafts (5) roll. I turn back to see that the boxer has fled into the main room through which I entered. I spray a few shots through the wall in hopes of hitting him and instead, cause the tentacles to not only find me, but complete encircle me and lift me out of the hole it made in the wall. I am now four stories above the ocean, looking down at a group of screaming people and a cop trying to keep them calm. The thing the tentacles are attached to looks straight out of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, but pink. I decide to bite it. It dies immediately and I land, safely, on its body. I then step, with utmost style and composure from its corpse onto the beach, right in front of the hotel's parking lot. The cop and crowd are staring at me. The cop sees my DE and yells to freeze. I take a shot at him and hit his shoulder. He uses the momentum from the impact to spin around and take a shot at my knees. He misses and I put one in his chest, dead. I then look to see if any of the keys in my pockets match any of the cars in the parking lot. One does. The logo on the key is Lamborghini. I look around and see a slick and beautiful Lamborghini with five models on it, rubbing themselves and being model-y. I fire a warning shot at them and blow one's head off. The other four models seem not to notice and the crowd politely applauds. I get in and see there is no keyhole, only a button on the key ring. I press it and a voice says "You're not Mr. Mammon." I tell the car that he's letting me use it. "Password," it demands. I think for a moment, smile and say, with utter confidence, "My dick." The instrument panel slides open, the car starts and it then asks me where I want to go. I tell it to get rid of the models. The car emits an electric shock, blowing them from the car. The crowd applauds more loudly. I tell the car I want to make a stylish exit. "My Dick" starts playing and the crowd applauds and dances as I peel out.
I then extend my arm to the car's dashboard and say "Analyze my blood." Sure enough, a hole opens and I put my arm in. Then the car starts to freak out. It says "Japanese virus". I ask where I can get the antidote. It stutters "3....2.....3...." and then stops talking. A moment later, the voice says "must terminate". It then starts driving at over 100 MPH. I take a shot at the engine from my seat and the bullet ricochets and goes in through my stomach, out through my back, back into my back, out through the stomach and in once more from the front. Black blood starts pouring out of me. I duck and take another shot, it bounces until it stops. I brace myself as best I can and the last thing I see is the speedometer reading 140 and a wall. Next thing I know, I'm sitting in the burning wreck, completely unscathed. I get out and look for an Internet cafe in which to look up the address "323". I find a super hip Internet cafe filled with black-clad emo kids. I turn to the nearest one and ask for his clothes a la Arnold Schwarzenegger from T2. He begins to give me a smarmy answer so I pistol whip him (getting an exploding ten (allowing another dice roll) which causes me to utterly annihilate his jaw). He hits the floor and says "thank you". I'm trying to get his clothes off him when the other 65 emo kids all get up from their seats and start to do the Robot. They begin to slowly move towards me. I take the jawless emo kid's iPhone and run outside. It asks me for a password and I gleefully enter "my dick" again. Access granted.
I find out that the only "323" address that could be anything is a beer hall called the Abbey. I then do as much research on "Japanese virus", "some new Japanese synth shit", "healing factor", "black blood" etc. as I can via Google. Eventually, I find two articles, one on Yahoo! and the other from The Onion. They describe a new Japanese synthetic drug called tricycline 3 that is derived from orca and killer whale cells. It replaces one's cells with whale cells, hence the black blood and amazing healing ability. I go to find someone who knows the most about drugs and that turns out to be the head of a McDonald's that is really a huge drug dealing hub. I need a car to get there, so I use my sex powers to get someone to pull over. Dozens of cars crash around me, their drivers wanting to touch me. I get in the nearest one as the emo kids (still doing the Robot) round the corner. I back over one, then again but the third time he has gotten on top of the car. I take a crazy corner and he goes flying off. I crush him against a wall and take his wallet. Phil gives me a MASSIVELY mundane yet detailed description of what's in the wallet including a family photo and four condoms, one sheep skin, one Trojan and two with Japanese writing on them as well as red lightning bolts. I take one of the Japanese ones out. It crackles in my fingers, seeming to singe my flesh. I put it on my dickus and my penis immediately becomes "a power rod". On the way to McDonald's I stop to sex a man out of his clothes. At McDonald's, I find Joseph, the 12-year old girl who runs the place. I ask her if she knows anything about "this", and then I bite a chunk out of my wrist, causing black blood to pour from the wound. She hands me a hamburger bun and tells me to soak it up with it. I do so and she takes it back, puts cheese and lettuce on it and then eats it. A moment later she tells me it's tricycline 3 and that I need to see this Japanese guy to get the antidote. She holds up a business card, out of my reach. I ask what she wants for it. She asks what I've got. I offer her the 200k but she refuses, I offer her my erect and electrified penis and she says she's a lesbian. She then asks for me to hold out my left hand. I give it to her and she produces a cleaver which with she cuts it off. She then hands me the business card. On it is written "Stephen Lee, Chemist, Walgreens". I thank her and drive off.
I arrive at the Walgreens and go to the pharmacy counter where I see a display for the condom which I am wearing.
A Japanese man appears and I ask him what these condoms do.
He tells me they feed off my chi and that wearing them for more than forty minutes will cause my brain to explode.
I remove mine along with several patches of dick skin.
I ask him about the virus.
He begins to give me "wisdom" and then I plant an image of the mass pelvic thrust from the
"Yes" video into his brain.
He begins to furiously hump the counter before slapping himself, swallowing a whole packet of horny goat weed, slapping himself again and then putting one of the lightning bolt condoms on himself. "None of that!" he says.
I ask him what I need.
He asks to see my palm.
I ask him if he has a cleaver and he says no, then licks my palm.
He then tells me I need the poison sac of a Fugu fish, the spit of a pre-op transsexual fried on one of the condoms and then injected via syringe into my heart.
I buy the syringe and two more condoms and then ask if he knows where the bar (with the pre-op transsexual) is.
He then fades like a flower and disappears behind the counter.
I look over and see him lying there, looking up at me.
It is awkward.
I begin to suck on my gun barrel in order to get him to tell and he does.
I turn to leave when I see the front of the store is being slowly filled with the emo kids still doing the Robot.
I flee out the back and see a DeLorean with a sign that says "Drive Me."
I get in and tentatively say, "Hello?" The car asks where I want to go. I tell it I need to go to a sushi place. It begins to spin around and around until it reaches 88 MPH, at which point it's engulfed in lightning. Suddenly, the lightning clears and I'm in the parking lot as before, with a different configuration of cars. I ask when we are and the car says, "three hours ago". We then speed to the sushi place. Out front there are five live sharks hanging by their tails off which a line of sushi chefs are carving shark steaks. There are also platforms on which kids are standing in order to be raised inside the sharks and back down again. I enter the restaurant, which is very trendy and playing German trip hop and ask the chef, in Japanese, for Fugu. Everyone stops, dropping their utensils, the music screeches to a halt. The chef says, "White man is not strong" I then interrupt Phil to remind him that I am Filipino. He then says "This Filipino man speaks like a white" I interrupt him AGAIN to remind him that I spoke in Japanese. The chef presents the Fugu, still alive, flayed open before me and wearing a breathing apparatus to keep it alive. I bow (the entire restaurant bows back) and grab a combat knife from the table to remove the poison sacs. As I leave, I recite the haiku "FOR THIS GIFT OF FISH/ THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME/I PAY YOU WITH SEX"
This causes people to faint and projectile vomit and the building to collapse. I get back in the car and tell it to take me to the bar. I arrive just in time to see myself leaving in the zebra limo. A large group of people enter just before me and, as I am waiting to talk to the pre-op transsexual, I notice that the man at the bar buying everyone shots...is the Judge from Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian. He looks at me and nods, as if in approval, I nod back, VERY relieved, but still pensive. The pre-op transsexual comes over and I ask him for his spit in a shot glass. He obliges. I head into the Men's room to mix my antidote...
The Men's room has two stalls. one "out of order" (in the same sense that the stall in Desperado or Trainspotting was "out of order") and one with the door closed. I had a bad feeling and went into the Ladies' room. There was only one stall and it was closed. I knocked, got no response, and pushed the door open...standing inside, naked and with a huge smile on his face, was the Judge with his arms open to embrace me. He had "annihilation in his eyes". If you don't know about the Judge, I'll relate what Philip said: "He is immortal. He is the Avatar of War. He does not botch." According to Phil, the Judge has all 6's in a rule set where 5 is the most a character can have. So, I'm standing there facing him. He wins the initiative roll and goes to hug me (which, I find out later, is instant death, no questions) AND FAILS HIS ROLL OF OVER TEN DICE. It's my turn and I debate whether to shoot or run. I choose to run. My rolls contains THREE exploding tens (which means I get an extra die to roll), two of which are also exploding tens. I end up with a total of 9 successes, the Judge BARELY missing me with 6 successes. I explode into the car, which, thankfully, sensed danger and was ready for me. I scream to get us away from the Judge and the car says to do so we must enter the time stream. I scream to do it and the car begins to spin. Out the window, I see the Judge exit the bar. On the first rotation, I see him removing the bolts from one of the huge arc sodium lights in the parking lot, on the second, I see him push down the light, on the third and fourth I see him tearing the wiring out and gathering it up and on the fifth, I see him making a lasso out of it. At this point, the car is up to 77MPH. I see the Judge throw the lasso and see it snag the car's antenna. The surge of power sends the speedometer from 77 to 140 and the last thing I hear as I blast into the time stream was the Judge's laughter echoing behind me.
We reappear in the same parking lot. The cars are in a different position and the light pole is still down. I ask the car what happened and it says we've been hurled a few hours into the future. I suddenly begin to die. The Judge has sent me just past the end of the six hours the virus took to kill me and I am on my way out. I roll to put my antidote together and fail. The last thing I say is: "Take me to Joseph". The car peels out and streaks to the McDonald's. On the way, I make the second most important roll of the game and stave off death long enough for Joseph to make an excellent roll herself and inject a syringe of adrenaline into my heart. With her needle still in, I decide whether I want to attempt to make the antidote now or make it while telling her how to in case I die. I decide to make it myself and succeed, slamming the needle into my heart an instant after she has pulled the other one out. A moment later...I'm fine.
I ask Phil how much money I have in savings from my years of hustling. He says four million. I ask Joseph how many people we could get for four million to take someone out. She says it depends on who we want and how long it would take, I cut her off and tell her it's the Judge. She screams and runs back inside the McDonald's, slamming the door behind her.
And the game ends.
Afterwards, Philip and I go over what's just occurred, bask in our utter and complete awesomeness, and then he drove me to my hotel, where I sat in the lobby for an hour and a half, writing this account.
