Ow.

My eyes hurt.

Seriously, it really is only built for cuban linx.

9.25.09

7:51 pm

Just finished "Rant".

That book takes quite a turn in the last sixth or so.

Way to go, Chuckster.

Watched the remake of Friday the 13th a few nights ago.

While I don't really think the series needed a "reboot" and I would have loved to see the mythic Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Ash plot that was in the works, they did an all right job of it.

Nothing too cheesy.

And Jason, while still able to apparently teleport, now runs! And has amazing archery and trap laying and tunneling skills!

He was more like a Green Beret gone Section 8 than a supernatural monster man.  He wasn't stabbed or shot forty times without feeling it, he was just really efficient.

I hope they don't make another ten movies before rebooting it again though, that would be a waste.

My mind was wandering on my way to work today and I reflected on just how creepy and awkward a key party is.

Did any of you see The Ice Storm?

Not only a good movie, but a great depiction of just how creepy and awkward a key party could be.

Granted I've been in a committed relationship for almost a decade, but still, sounds creepy and awkward...yeah...you picked those keys...go fuck Fred.

*SHUDDER*

Fred's gross.

Freds are always gross.

Although Freddie McFarren wasn't gross, he was more...rambunctious.

(He was this guy I went to grade school with.)

BUT he wasn't a Fred...he was a Freddie.

Freddie Mercury wasn't gross either so I suppose my hypothesis still holds fruit.

Ah, fruit.

I'm going to read some comics.

Then I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Actually, I'm going to watch Observe and Report.

Whoa.

I just sneezed ALL OVER EVERYTHING.

Hope you like hot dogs...

Happy Tears

9.24.09

8:06 pm

Just finished this week's Onion.

Good one.

Such headlines include "Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam" (with an excellent accompanying photo), "Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached At 3:32 This Friday", "Kid With Cancer Hopes To Realize Dream Of Meeting Competent Oncologist" and an opinion piece by LaVar Burton entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over".

Well done.

About to finish up "Rant", the third most recent Palahniuk book.

After his first few books, it seemed that Chuck Palahniuk grew tired of just writing a book and had to throw in some crazy literary smokescreen (this is a diary written about the owner of a different diary written by a house...in second person) which was maybe to distract from the lackluster core story.

That was totally the case with his latest "Pygmy", but "Rant" (which is told as a series of interviews with people who knew the main character) has a really intriguing world going on in the background.

Picked up "Stranger Than Fiction", Palahniuk's non-fiction collection, today.

When I get in a mood, I really get in a mood, don't I?

I'm also about to embark on the Knightfall storyline from 1992, apparently one of the only Batman stories to really nail Bane rather than just have him be an angry steroids junky.

But, first, No Man's Land, recommended to me by Alan a while ago.

'S gonna be Batastic.

Or maybe even namblatentastic.

Who knows?

Away this weekend for eye stuff.

God damn these rotten grapes.

Rub A Dub Dub...I'm A Frat Boy Rapist

9.18.09

4:03 pm

Remember that busy, motherplucking day I had last week?

Turns out I booked the parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles thing, but they ended up having a callback which was really a re-audition wherein they had the guys just do a normal voice rather than the character voice.

I was a bit peeved because I thought the high pitched one was great, but whatever.

Three hours in a studio with three other guys, four if you include the director, Rob, who is from L.A. and just shot a music video in which hot strippers were covered in slime at 1000 frames per second.

Ah the Business of Show...

It was wonderful, brilliant fun and the improv was filthy.

Should be out the first week or so of November.

The Davidoff thing is out and the CNN thing should be out soon.

I'll post links soon.

Been pretty fruitful recently.

Must be doing something right.

Also put three more Dead Ends up last night, as well as a new pun.

Sure wish Phil and Jess would pull their respective thumbs out of their respective asses and man up...shit, nig.

Going to some pre-wedding thing tomorrow.

*sigh*

I swear there will be no wedding shenanigans for me and Chris.

We're going to get married, quietly, in a lake in Maine or in a coyote den in the desert or in our bathroom, have a "Change of Facebook Status" party and maybe some cake.

Cake for us, not you.

No dresses, airplanes, farting, gifts, beer, nothing.

Just two awesome people in love.

Unless she finds out about my collection of circumcised clitori.

Might be a deal breaker.

Might.

Picking up my iPod today.

The headphone jack was being a dick and Apple wanted to charge me 175 fucking dollars to replace it.

And it would have taken over a week.

Tekserve wanted to charge me $50.

And it took them two days.

So I deferred to Tekserve.

You Apple fucks.

iTunes has a flawed interface!!!

Anyway.

I just came up with a new friend for Peter Firehead to play with.

His name is Mr. Face.

10:54pm
Just as I was about to leave one of the boiled potatoes I work with began to wax political about the mayor.
He lost all credibility (or whatever credibility he started with) when he referred to the mayor's "croonies".

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

9.17.09

3:42 pm

Motherfucker.

I hate.

Killkillkillkillkiollkilklklklkikiklklk.

But let allow me to take a step back...

Sergeant Mann (the guy on 3 to 11 with me who I respected and whose company I enjoyed) was fired because the High Up Guy didn't like him.

The person they have replacing him in this interim is the heinous, skin bleachingly annoying chatterbox loudymouth fucking loquacious duck fucker I mentioned in "Hot Mess Vs. OH-KAY!".

Of course you don't remember her because none of you have ever had the displeasure of having her splinter of a voice and personality jammed into your eyeballs, genitals and under your finger and toenails.

Some bullet points:

Her voice is so high pitched it makes my eyes water.

She is constantly on the phone, where she reverts to what the fuck ever accent she was raised around and starts sort of trilling, putting as many words into one breath as she can, all spoken in that needle high tone of voice.

She does that goddamned "OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-KAY" thing maybe forty times an hour.

She talks with her mouth full.  Now, I don't mean 'with food in her mouth', everyone does that, I mean she crams a fist-sized clod of food into her mouth and starts talking; to people, on the phone, she acts as if it isn't there.  I'm actually okay with that because every time she does it she's just inches away from choking to death and finally shutting the fuck up.

And she's here until further notice.

Not only does the ONE person I don't loathe here lose his job, but they replace him with one of the four people I would gladly kill with my bare hands.

I love life.

I may start taking drugs.

New pun up on RSPS.

Eat it.

Going to keep putting up Fireheads on Mondays.

Almost done with another Dead End.

Maybe tonight? Tomorrow?

I have no idea and I wouldn't tell you if I did.

Inglourious Beavers

9.14.09

3:25 pm

First off, black folks be LOVIN' Medea!!!!

She be alllll like 'Shut up!!" and then she be like "Oh LORD!!!" and then Joe be like "You can't spring all that ugly onna man!!!" and then Joe be like "Shit!!!!"

Can someone PLEASE explain the success or even the appeal of these shitty looking movies?

Please?

Are they like Police Academy for black people?

Like really stupid comedy so stupid that it's funny?

Or like...fuck.

I can't think of a white equivalent.

Someone help me out.

I don't want to watch them...but I might have to just to make sure they are actually terrible.

But again: black folks be LOVIN' THEM SOME MEDEA!!!

And P.S. racist or not, everything above is DIRECT FUCKING QUOTE from two different people working here.

And I was not one of them.

This weekend was full of things and stuff.

On Saturday, I saw 'Inglourious Basterds', finally.

And guess what?

Didn't really like it a lot.

Problem is I've had months of hype (years of it if you know that this is Tarentino's "World War II film" here's been working on/planning since 'Jackie Brown') and after 'Kill Bill' and 'Death Proof' I now have a certain expectations from Tarentino's stuff.

Some of it was great, but a lot of it just seemed a bit...un-Tarentino.

Plus the fact that he named the movie after this troop of Nazi-killing maniacs who were in the movie for about a half hour.

Only four or five or the eight of them even speak!

I didn't feel any connection to them and they're the title of the movie.

Oh well.

Maybe his World War III movie will be better.

Was going to see 'World's Greatest Dad' but the fucking thing doesn't exist anymore.

It was released on August 21st and now, it's playing in White Plains, NY.

That's it.

Robin Williams must have REALLY sucked in his last ten movies or so to be this badly treated.

Sunday was the shit.

I went hiking on Bear Mountain with Chris and we went to this zoo that was even more the shit than Sunday.

We saw an epileptic bobcat named Natasha, a pair of coyotes, some owls, an excellent box turtle, a British big mouthed bass, a bunch of bears, two or which were frolicking like the bears they were, friendly peepers, the lack of beavers, a belligerent bald eagle, an hyperactive otter, the goddamned laziest pair of porcupines in the world and a bunch of other cool animal friends.

Super awesome.

We then rented a busted ass rowboat which was less fun than being mauled by an epileptic bobcat.

It was truly awesome.

I love animals.

And now I must go because I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HEAR JUST HOW FUNNY MEDEA WAS THIS TIME AROUND!!!

THAT LADY JUST CAN'T KEEP HERSELF OUT OF TROUBLE!!!!!

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!

WHHHOOOOAAAA!!!!!!

Kill. Me.

The Terrorists Have Won.

9.11.09

4:06 pm

Busy, goddamn, motherplucking day.

Three auditions scattered throughout the morning, starting with a faux Darth Vader and a mimicking of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time banana vocalist for some Halloween thing, then some suede and gravitas vox about keeping kids safe from the flu and finally, some hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles for a parody of the typical hyperactive psychotic scrubbing bubbles.

I'm fucking wrecked.

And to add to the general wreckage, I've been soaked in both rain and sweat since I stepped outside which is supergreat when all the auditions are held in stylishly remodeled meat lockers.

And now I have seven hours left here.

With the Trogs.

Seeing World's Greatest Dad tomorrow with Lisa, Alan and Chris.

Good to see Robin Williams getting something that doesn't involve living kids.

Did that make sense?

God I'm beat.

Oh, also, at the flu/suede/gravitas vox audition, when I entered the lobby and removed my solipsistic headphones, I was assaulted by 520 8th Avenue's...Remembrance Celebration?

It was a bunch of overexcited douchebags in red, white and blue lame jumpsuits singing that song about the caissons rollin' along.

One was actually interacting with the people coming in, marching in place and smiling and, for a second, it was about to address me, but I think my look of hate, disgust and shock might have been enough to deter it.

Remember when people just used to be quiet for Crash Day?

Me neither.

Because IT NEVER HAPPENED.

The media and most everyone else has just been as shrill as on the day it happened.

Honestly, does ANYONE need reminding?

Especially anyone in New York City?!

AND DO THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED BY SOME COCKHOLES IN JUMPSUITS SINGING ABOUT CAISSONS!!?!?!!?

If I'd had mastery of time and space for just that one moment this morning, I would have teleported those fruit snacks back to the morning of September 11th, 2001 and duct taped them all to the fucking North face of Tower One.

Tell me more about your caissons, please.

7:31 pm

So the final four Nine Inch Nails shows were September 2nd, 6th, 8th and last night in L.A.

Over the course of the last two, about half the show was Reznor and his usual band while the rest of it was Reznor pulling out a myriad of guest stars including Dave Navarro (Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jane's Addiction), Gary Numan (just Gary Numan), Mike Garson (David Bowie), Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan), HEALTH, Danny Lohner (old NIN bassist), Eric Avery (Jane's Addiction) and Atticus Ross (12 Rounds and a lot of work on the last two or three NIN studio albums).

So half of the set was Reznor playing with these guys while they did most of the singing.

When I saw them in New York, everyone in the audience was hoping and praying for Bowie to show up (the son of a whore lives, like, two miles from the gig) but all we got, two nights in a row, was Peter Murphy.

He was only on stage for three songs each night, so it wasn't horrible.

They were both fully Nine Inch Nails concerts.

But the final two Nine Inch Nails shows ever were half other people and a third other people's music.

Quite frankly, I would have been a bit pissed at only hearing fifteen Nine Inch Nails songs preformed by Nine Inch Nails at their last two shows ever (or for five years or ten years or whenever Reznor gets bored of being a newlywed).

The fact that, aside from Danny Lohner, I don't really care much about any of the guests probably lends to that claim.

Bowie would have done it for me though.

But he didn't show up, so, yeah.

Next up: Waiting for NIN to release the concert DVD chronicling the final ten shows ever.

Moichendizing! Moichendizing! Moichendizing!

9:03 pm

So.

A woman just called me, at 9:02 pm on a Friday evening, from what sounded like the best house party since the movies of that name and asked me what insurance I (the operator) take.

I wanted to answer "all typesa shit" but I didn't.

Does this mean I like having my job or merely that I like having a job?

9:33 pm

Just got off the phone with Phil.

We have invented three new words which need definitions:

Namblatencity

(nam-blah-TEN-si-tee)

and

Namblatentastic

(nam-blah-ten-TAS-tic)

and

Namblatenacity
(nam-blah-ten-ASS-i-tee)

Keep it clean.

Peking! Duck!

9.9.09

10:34 pm

What's with me watching a shit load of bad movie lately?

First off, "Mad Max".

Never seen it before, know it's part of some crazy, oft referenced series starring Mel Gibson, Tina Turner and a midget in some post-apocalyptic wasteland battle arena.

How have I NOT seen this, right?

Well, turns out "Mad Max" blows dingoes.

Next, "Knowing".

From the word 'go' I knew this was going to be bad, but I wanted to see why and how.

Nicolas Cage.

Yes, I get it, he's horrible.

But, was he the reason the movie sucked or did his horrible suck infect the whole thing?

So I downloaded it and experienced first hand the disaster that is "Knowing".

The most shocking thing was that the movie (aside from the acting) was pretty good...until the aliens showed up.

*sigh*

Why are there so many aliens in the third acts of movies today?!

Jesus!

And why are all imbued with the ability to ruin a movie so wholly?

The truth is out there...and it is ruining movies.

And last night "Suspiria".

As Chris and I were wading into this ocean of shit, she was furiously Googling this filmic abortion.

Turns out "people" consider it to be one of the best horror movies ever.

I put people in quotes because, after you watch this movie and say it's good, you are no longer considered a human being.

It's not even "so bad it's good" bad.

It's just "bad".

I mean bad.

No quotes.

But, I have just finished the first season of "Fringe".

And I must reassess my original summation of this show.

It is more than just "J.J. Abrams loves the X-Files! Watch!"

It's not nearly as good as the X-Files, but it's a solid show and I look forward to the second season which starts...next week?

And...I've also just finished the new Palahniuk Pygmy.

It wasn't great.

I am about to embark upon the third most recent Palahniuk Rant.

Looks more promising.

Also interested in seeing:

District 9

Inglourious Basterds

Big Fan

Extract

World's Greatest Dad

And finally, I'm thinking of starting up Bite the Music again.

See if we can't fucking get our shit together now that we're five years older.

Working on finishing up some Dead Ends I started when the blog was stated so, keep an eye out.

Okay.

Done.

Oh and Batman Arkham Asylum is fucking awesome.

Can't think of a thing to say...

8.24.09

10:19 pm

I've just finished reading Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book.

In my experience, one concrete way to gauge if I really really love a book (or short story or novella etc.) is by my desire for it not to end.

Or, more correctly, for it to continue without an end; to be able to close one story and open another to find the same characters moving forward in the same universe.

It struck me as I finished The Graveyard Book, that this happens almost every time I finish a work by Neil Gaiman.

This guy...is just nuts.

He needs to just write some massive book bringing all these amazing characters together.

The really nutty thing is: he never really does anything totally novel or original, he just takes what's old and busted and makes it into the new hotness.

Like I said: nuts.

I recommend you read The Graveyard Book if you have not already.

I've had it on my shelf for the better part of a year and only after I heard it beat out Anathem for the Hugo did I even remember t was there.

It had sort of slipped from my mind, something that brings a smile to my face after meeting and getting to know the protagonist.

I also enjoy Gaiman's friendship with Tori Amos.

And with Jonathan Ross.

I feel as if all his works, in some part, contain elements of both of these people.

Usually more Tori than Ross, but she shimmers underneath a lot of his best work.

She really is a modern day muse.

I like the image of Tori and Neil just hanging out.

She's writing a song, he's writing a short story.

Then they just switch.

"Why don't you sing about Morpheus in this verse?" he suggests.

"Why not make Death a spunky, little redhead?" she counters.

I used to picture this in my head when I was younger, the bands and artists I loved working with each other.

When Reznor popped up on "Past The Mission" and then later on Bowie's "Outside" I had this strange, awesome feeling that, slowly but surely, all the artist's I loved were about to announce some massive, genre-melting, industry-redeeming project.

Never really happen though.

I'd still love to see Bowie, Tori and Reznor do something (the second part of the ""trilogy" Bowie started with "Outside" anyone?), just as I'd love to see eels and Beck collaborate.

Beck did cover "Diamond Dogs" and remix "Seven" though, so, that's something.

This Record Club thing I mentioned before would be an excellent opportunity for Beck to Bowie it up.

Can't really picture TMBG really jamming with any of these guys, but who knows?

Someone did make a mash up of "Particle Man" and "Closer"...

Aaaaaand speaking of Bowie and Nine Inch Nails...tomorrow and Wednesday are the final Nine Inch Nails shows in New York...EVER.

At least according to Reznor.

Whatever the case.

I will fucking be there, front and center.

Their first show at the Bowery was a crazy 27 song set and the second night at Webster Hall they played The Downward Spiral in its entirety, front to back, something that's never been done before.

No Bowie though.

And honestly, I don't know why I'm expecting him, but...godfuckingdamnithowfuckingcoolwouldthatbe?

Jesus.

Pretty jazzed over here.

Pretty jazzed.

Jazzed.

New. Hotness.

I have a web comic.
The (Mis)Adventures of Peter Firehead.
It will be updated weekly.
Enjoy.

Martin Scorsese: "I Like Gangster Movies! Whee!"

8.20.09

8:46 pm

I watched Casino last night. 

Somewhat by accident. 

It was one of the first five or so movies I put on my Netflix queue back in, oh, I don't know, 2005?

We also received Hairspray.

We need to pay more attention to the passage of time, specifically with regards to our Netflix queue.

The problem has since been rectified, but, I must speak for a moment about Casino.

Why is Martin Scorsese lauded?

I mean, yeah, the movie was long and Robert DeNiro was in it, but...why?

It just felt so...typical.

I guess maybe that's the point of his films?

Like, anyone can do a gangster film, but Scorsese can do a three hour gangster film.

Not sure.

The Departed was pretty good.

One thing that kept bothering the hell out of me: the number of music cues.

Jesus Fucking Christ, if you played some sort of drinking game linked to the number of times the music shifted in a scene you'd die.

Pick a song.

Stick with it.

Roll camera.

And hey, Joe Pesci as a mobster hot-head?

Brilliant!!

Eh, whatever.

I remember hearing this spoken of as "Sharon Stone's Oscar film" and it definitely felt like that, xmax.

So afterwards I watched some of Basic Instinct 2, just to put things in perspective.

Her legs look like skin bags full of cottage cheese.

*SHUDDER*

Anyway, Beck has been doing some interesting stuff lately.

He redesigned his website (http://www.beck.com/) and has been updating it with excellent little tidbits every two days or so.

One is a section entitled "Irrelevant Topics", which is Beck just talking to some other person in the industry about nothing in particular.  The first was him and Tom Waits and the second was him and Will Ferrell.

There's also something called "Planned Obsolescence" which is...like a mix tape, but a mix tape of stuff Beck listens to, which is...enlightening.

Only problem with that is Beck doesn't allow it to be downloaded, a problem Beck (or his label) seems to have with a lot of things.

The other two sections are far more intriguing and fun.

About a year ago, Beck released "Modern Guilt", a Beck-does-a-60's-album album.

Pretty cool stuff.

Not as long or lush as some of his other ventures, but good.

A few months ago, when he and his band returned from Japan, they went into the studio and re-recorded the album in a more acoustic, stripped down fashion and they've been posting it, a track at a time for the past month or so.

Some of it doesn't translate as well (Walls), but some of it allows you to see the song without all the Pro Tools (Chemtrails).

Along with "Modern Guilt Acoustic" Beck has introduced "Record Club".

THIS is the shiznit.

Beck got together with a bunch of other music people (including Giovanni Ribisi and Nigel Godrich) and, in a day, recorded, in its entirety, "The Velvet Underground & Nico".

He plans to do this again and has already with Sonic Youth's EVOL and some other album with MGMT..

I think Prince should do this, because, for all his prolificacy, he's just not doing a lot of good stuff.

Every three albums you get two or three memorable songs and that's just sad.

BUT Prince's recent cover of "Crimson and Clover" was the bomb.

And Foo Fighter's cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki" is also the bomb.

I'm just saying.

The only problem I really have with Beck is (and again, this could be him or his trundling, prehistorically out-of-date label) the stinginess.

When "Modern Guilt" came out, you could go to Beck's myspace and listen to thirty seconds of the new single.

Thirty seconds.

The single was already on the radio and on iTunes (and the whole album had already leaked to the torrent sites), but you could only hear thirty seconds of it.

Along with this is the plan to release a limited edition EP with some of the acoustic versions of the "Modern Guilt" songs on it.

Uh...

The same songs that I can hear on the website for free?

The same songs that, like all of the Record Club and Planned Obsolescence, can be downloaded from a torrent site about an hour after it's posted?

No, I'm not going to pay you for five of these ten songs.

This speaks directly to either Beck's lack of business savvy and disconnection from the modern music fan or that of his label.

I'd like to think it's his label that's not only out of touch but scrambling for already-tried-and-failed methods of raping a few more dollars out of the fans because the idea that Beck is the one saying, "yeah, let's charge them extra for this too" really fucks with the friendly-if-a-bit-vacant-hippy-spaceman -funk-folkster image he's created over the years.

Fingers crossed that the next Record Club with be They Might Be Giant's "Factory Showroom".

Beck could kick the shit out of S~E~X~X~Y...

Also, last week I had my first on screen gig since the Rock Band 2 thing last year.

NOT ONLY did I get to actually act, but I even got to improv.

It was...freeing.

The whole thing was rock solid except for the fact that I had a tiny piece of silicon from my ear plugs stuck in my right ear, cutting off any and all sound.

A little disorienting, but nothing world ending.

That should be all over CNN.com in the coming weeks.

AAAnd I just received the "Davidoff Hot Water" spots.

God damn.

They are just straight up beach porn with my dripping-wet-love-taco voice trailing along at the end.

As soon as they're released, I'll post a link or something.

Tomorrow morning I record yet another VO for the Adrenalina folks.

They like me and pay me so I like them.

It's as simple as that.

Thinking about seeing Inglourious Basterds this weekend.

Liquid Swords...of Metal

8.17.09

4:12 pm

This weekend, the Ageless Question (Does food taste better when cut with a machete?) was finally answered:

Yes.

Yes, it most certainly does.

This Saturday evening marked our first (Annual? Bi-annual? Seasonal?) Rooftop Machete Party.

Now, anyone who knows me also knows that when I plan something, anything, I create this Plato-Chained Ideal in my mind; well, this event was one for the Cave, folks.

We had an excellent turn out, several varieties of fruit (including some things that WEREN'T FRUIT AT ALL!!!) and a two and a half foot blade with which to massacre them.

The fruit, not the people.

After the rooftop hackery, we brought our sliced, diced and maimed trophies down to the kitchen where Kate Strauss, Purveyor of the Blade, Harbinger of Chaos, Mistress de La Machete made some kickass smoothies.

With real fruit.

Which we had just destroyed with an authentic Honduran machete.

Then came the Destruction of the Coconuts.

There will be footage up on YouTube soon, so I'll just bullet point it:

• Hammer
• Saw
• Lime in the coconut (drunk bode up)
• Coconut Memories

After that, in order to end on a fruit-related note, we all sat around and played Apples to Apples.

Then I ate a quarter of a watermelon in the bathtub, which was filmed by Ray.

It's...Lovecraftian.

That will also be up along with highlights from the roof, soon.

Thanks to everyone who came out and swung the blade.

And superspecial thanks to Kate, who rocks like the Grand Canyon and who made this epic, shimmering madness possible.

And who no longer has any culpability or legal responsibility for the aforementioned machete which she has presented to Christina and myself.

Dictated, not read.

The law firm of Booger, Booger and Fartybutts.

Happy Birthday...Welcome to Hell

First off, end of June/beginning of July: go fuck yourself.
Now, for Jess' Birthday I wrote and recorded her a song.
It's awesome.
But, I didn't just hand it to her, that's gay.
I made a tiny, Jess-sized ARG for her with the song as the reward.
As of this moment, she's stuck on the very last element of said ARG.
Anyway, the first step of the ARG was this video .
Didn't really plan for it to end up this creepy, but, whatever.
Shut the fuck up and eat the corn.
Just thought I'd share.

They're not just a band...they're a social club.

6.23.09

5:21 pm

The Street Sweeper Social Club album came out last week.  They opened for NIN and were excellent so I decided to check it out. 

Wow.  SO flat on wax.  Not even worth mentioning.

See them live or don't bother yourself with them at all.

Chris is away with massive Dad issues.

Things are very confusing at the moment.

Lots of trepidation.

Pulp Fiction...but not at all.

6.19.09

7:28 pm

Today I recorded this thing in which I played Eric Stoltz from Pulp Fiction.

It's way to hard to describe so...sorry.

Before that I had an audition.

It was a radio ad for GNC.

I couldn't stop thinking of Bearblasting and Humpcatting.

I have been up a LONG time today.

But I took two cabs while listening to my "mellow" playlist.

It was...mellow.

I also listened to the new Regina Spektor and I only really dig a song or two (Dance Anthem of the 80's and Human of the Year) .

She's lost a lot of that underground appeal from the first album.

Very slick and commercial this time around, more so than Built to Hope.

I'd now describe her music as a less trippy Tori Amos meets a more balanced Fiona Apple with some bucktoothed teddy bear thrown in for the Awkward Yet Cuddly factor.

Wow.

That was fucking apt.

At the recording this morning I was informed that the Tecate Light commercial is on the radio in the Southwest.

As is my Burger King commercial.

Now if only I ever listened to the radio.

In the Southwestern United States.

Wednesday I bought some Rasinets.

They were excellent.

Today I bought some David's Sunflower Seeds.

So I can spit them everywhere.

Whee.

I also bought some more Rasinets and Goldfish for Danielle and Lauren who have earned them and then some.

You SAY he's just a friend...

6.16.09

9:57 pm

But I digress.

I was a Cinematic Sailor this weekend! 

Yes I was! 

I saw Drag Me To Hell on Saturday with Sunny D which makes me more angry and more sad about Sam Raimi's continued involvement with  those horrible, horrible Spiderman movies.  He's wasting his talent.  Afterwards D and I hung out for like 8 hours!!

The words "barely" and "tolerable" swim to mind...
I kid.
Badly.
She taught me about Punk.
I like SoCal Punk.
Also, I think I missed the magic of Army of Darkness.
Total bummer.

Sunday was Lauren and I celebrating our tradition of seeing Night At The Museum and its sequels together.  So we went to some outdoor mall in Queens and saw it.  There was a moment when Tom Lennon and Ben Garant (The State, Reno 911!, Viva Variety etc) showed up cameo style.  I was puzzled.  Turns out, those fuckers wrote BOTH N@TM movies.  Cha-ching!  Honestly, not bad movies.  I have to say the Onion (whose opinion I usually accept without much question) gave it a bum deal.  They said the plot was convoluted.  I say they weren't paying very close attention if they were seriously led astray during this movie.  The children in the audience were with it the whole time; stop texting your friends about how big Ben Stiller's ears are the movie is while you're in the theater and maybe you won't get confused, dumbass. After that, she and I enjoyed some Japanese food prepared and named after a man called simply...Shiro.

Shiro...you are an honorable and tasty man.

Then we had dessert at this nearby fondue place.

For $10, I ate more than my heads' weight in dark and milk chocolate and got a tummy ache.

A $10 tummy ache.

It was worth it.

It was good to catch up with Lawn since I hadn't really seen her for a bit.

Then I went home to find Christina sleeping.

So I let her sleep.

Today I set out to purchase the Ghostbusters video game only to find it sold out at both Best Buy AND GameStop.

Good for the game's sales, bad for me.

I will try to hunt one down tomorrow.

Not sure what is happening this weekend.

Both Lauren AND Danielle have expressed interest in seeing The Hangover, but Lawn might be busy and Danielle might just have had her fill of Paul for the month of June.

I fully understand.

I may still have people over to watch the Ghostbusters movies, or I might just say y'all can take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut and watch them by myself, naked, with a jar of peanut butter and a dream.

Either way: I WIN.

Finally, I am maybe 7% still sick and I can fully function now. Good thing, because that VO is recording Friday morning.

Love the timing, folks.

Love it.

Oh, and also: Will's bachelor party is happening in my apartment some time in July.

Or August.

Or sometime before the wedding.

Whether he is here or not.

We're going to watch the Big Lebowski for five hours and...do things that never happened.

Of which there are not photos.

None.

An review of Hombre Lobo

6.12.09

9:12 pm

 

I've had this album for a few weeks (I downloaded a copy maybe four days before it came out...way to copyright protect, E...I think four days is a new record) and, although I haven't dedicated hours and hours of time to it, I think I'm formulating opinions.

 

First off, I had higher expectations because this was the last album to be released in this Summer of Music and it's eels, so I had a lot riding on it, but then again, I also had lower expectations because anything coming off of a four year wait and the most recent album (33 tracks, 2 disc, epic etc.) was going to be a bit of a let down.

 

Short answer: it's a good eels album, but only a few of the tracks are really notable; the rest are just "okay eels songs".

The problem is, with a 12 song, 40 minute album, if four of your songs aren't great, that's a third of the album.

Luckily, only three songs really don't jive with me.  Of the other nine, three are excellent and the rest are merely good.

All in all, not a bad record, but...four years for twelve songs....arg.

Maybe a bit too lean.

Plus the fact that there's not a whole lot of production here makes everything feel even more sparse.

Some songs do have some cool elements here or there, but overall, this just sounds a bit...demo-y.

One or two more layers to most of these songs could have done them some good.

 

Long answer: Here's a track by track break down.

 

Prizefighter

This is one of the songs I don't really like.

Not for the content, more for the form.

It's bad "simple eels" as opposed to good "simple eels".

I mean, the whole album is pretty simple, but this one just doesn't have the notes in the right order for me.

The message is great though, "let me be there for you, I'll listen and help out", good feeling for an opener, but don't dig the sound.

 

That Look You Give That Guy

Perfect example of good "simple eels".

Not only that, but E is so wonderfully shy and vulnerable that you can't not "awww" at this song.

You want to see the girl in this song give him a chance.

 

Lilac Breeze

Ah...the rock, how E does love it.

A sweet love song with some nice straight up bass riffs and rock drums.

The twist at the end of each chorus adds some nice nuance to what could have been a simple song.

I also enjoy the backing harmonies.

That's what I'm talking about, it's spare, but not boring.

The lyrics are a bit simple, as are quite a few on the album, but the meaning comes through better without too many words...sometimes.

 

In My Dreams

One of my favorites.

Great "simple eels" song.

Sweet and sad, the very definition of a good eels track and the band itself.

 

Tremendous Dynamite

Man oh man was I excited when I saw this song title.

STOP JUDGING BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.

The tempo really rubs me the wrong way.

And the repetition as well.

Some good lyrics here and there ("being the bomb is her birthright") but not enough to salvage the song.

Something kind of interesting starts to happen with the beat towards the end, but, again, not interesting enough.

Oh well, not every eels song can be perfect.

I enjoy the swagger behind the song, but not the song itself.

 

The Longing

Here we go.

Sad, beautiful and creepy, but in a totally relatable, understandable way.

I pity the person who hasn't felt this way about someone at some point in their lives.

It's a dark, yearning song that speaks of a pain that, if you haven't felt at one point or another, you've not truly lived or loved.

"...when I say I would die for her/it's not just words/I really would/and to make the world a safer place for her/well I believe I really could"

E might be one of the only artist's out there than can make that sound sincere.

"Her tears/her sorrow/her faults/her doubts/I love them all"

A perfect eels track.

 

Fresh Blood

Remember in the mid 90's, before you knew about mp3's and you would hear one track off a CD (the Radio Song) and then you'd go and buy that CD, only to find out that the Radio Song sounds NOTHING like the rest of the album or even the band itself?

Yeah, eels does that too.

Drum machines, dark synths, spooky echoes...this song is everything every other track on the album is not.

I was going to buy this album anyway, but to hear this as the first new eels song off the new album in four years?  I'll admit, my hopes were misled up the ladder of expectation...by this song and this song alone.

Don't get me wrong, it really is great, just misleading.

I wonder if E ever planned to treat every song on the album to the "Fresh Blood" production...what an album THAT would have been...

 

What's A Fella Gotta Do

More rock.

Great little high energy track to bring you out of the mournful chill of "The Longing" and the creepy, red depths of "Fresh Blood".

Not a lot to the track, more flash than substance, but E does it well.

"You're so fine/If you were mine I'd love you up"

I would LOVE to be loved up; by E, by you, by anyone.

It sounds fun.

This should be a good one live.

 

My Timing Is Off

Ack.

I really do not like this song.

Something so b-side and throw off about it.

It's just bland is all, no interesting music or style or lyrics.

Instant skip.

 

All The Beautiful Things

This song is just a few steps above the blandness that spoiled "My Timing Is Off".

It's just too sweet and heartfelt to ignore.

Not the sweetest or most heartfelt eels song, but it counts for something.

Also the strings help.

It is my opinion that most songs can be made better with strings.

Especially eels' songs.

 

Beginner's Luck

A happy bouncer of a song with a jaunty gait and a fun li'l bass line.

Nothing so amazing about it, but it's a solid track.

Yeah.

 

Ordinary Man

A truly fitting eels album closer.

Honestly, it reminds me of Xanthus' "Go It Alone Song" from People Are Wrong.

I'm sure that helps everyone.

A sad, hopeful recitation made by a guy who's tried eleven different approaches.

Here he's just listing the facts and waiting for an answer.

No characters, no bluster, just "here I am, here's why we should be together, give me a chance and you'll see for yourself".

Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.

You want it to, but nice guys don't often finish first.

 

I can't really tell if this is an album for people who are in safe, stable, happy relationships or for those who aren't.

On one hand, those in relationships might appreciate the fiction but they might not latch onto the sincerity.

On the other hand, those not in relationships, who might relate too closely to our narrator might get lost in the intricacies of it all.

There are some powerful emotions expressed here and, if you're in the wrong state of mind, that could result in disaster.

Again, this is a good eels album, a bit lean after the feast of Blinking Lights, but not so lacking in substance as to not count as a meal.

I am, however, already getting my hopes up for the other new eels album, the second of two E wrote during his four year absence, so I guess that doesn't say too much for this one.

It's simple and beautiful at times, but a bit too simple at others.

One or two more layers would have made this a better album.

Oh Weekend...(part 2)

6.08.09

First things first: the state I'm in right now, I should NOT be on the streets.

I almost killed three people today, merely for walking slower than me.

This does not bode well for humankind...

Now, the Second of the Two Most Busy Weekends of My Summer.

Friday went better as far as waking up and spending all goddamn day at work, apparently I had gotten more sleep.

BUT

I was starting to feel low energy and sicky poo.

"Excellent timing, God," I said to God, "excellent timing you celestial cockhole".

So after work, I went home and then traversed my way with Li'l Miss Birthday to Khyber Pass.

Fun fun!

Good food, got to meet Natalia's finance, Tim, who is excellent, saw Amy Pugh who I haven't seen for about 6 years, got to welcome Jeannie (the Jean Genie to those in the know) back and again, the food was stellar, pumpkin turnovers with yoghurt sauce, meat with meat dumplings and yogurt sauce and remarkable baklava.

And more yogurt sauce.

Afterwards some of the diners walked through the drizzly night to Mahenata's (or however those Godless Heathens pronounce/spell their Temple of False Moustaches) where we met up with a few more birthday soldiers as the night pashed on.

Sadly, I did not have as much fun since my head was beginning to feel like the guy head from MTV's The Head...you know? and the brilliant electric oboe player had his death machine set on the Kill Paul's Fucking Head setting.

He and his jubbly butt buddy played for a solid hour and a half or two hours.

Jess and Danielle arrived with their respective entourages (Libby, Gautham, Robert, others),  in tow, my headache got worse, Danielle shared some wonderful news, Jess projected some of her insecurities onto me and I went home.

I'll skip the constant interjections involving the status of my health and just tell you that the whole of the weekend could have been more fun it I were not sick.

Duh.

Saturday and Sunday both felt the same as far as waking dozens of times during the night, then rising around one or two, feeling unrested and put upon.

"Fucking Nine Inch Nails" Christina and I muttered back and forth to one another "...not having a fucking show in New York City...fucking Trent fucking Reznor...have to take the fucking train to the fucking bus...fucking fuck..."

Etc.

For both shows, we arrived at our seats just as the opener, Street Sweeper Social Club (Boots Reilly and Tom Morello from RATM's side project...think RATM without Zach Dela Roche making you feel like an asshole who slaughtered his people of the Sun, who were, despite what Dela Roche would have you believe, not all that cool) came on.

They put on a great show including an excellent cover of M.I.A.'s "Paper Planes".

We had just enough time beforehand to pay $6 for water, $7 for a hot dog, $4 for a cup of coffee and $40 for a t-shirt that Christina felt the urge to complain about the quality of loudly in front of the merch people.

I don't really care about their feelings per se, I'm sure they're lovely people, but it just makes me feel more like an American Asshole spending $40 on a shirt.

But then again, women like to shop!

They shop like crazy!

And they're bad with money and cars!!

There...how about that?

Sucks don't it.

Where the fuck was I?

Oh yes, since this production was nothing compared to the other four or so tours I've seen them on (no screens or moving lights, maybe a handful of LED strips etc.), there was a fifteen minute change over between SSSC and NIN.

I'll spare you the details since none of you give a shit and just say that I enjoy the bells and whistles of NIN a lot (especially when the bells and whistles include gigantic fucking mobile LED screens and interactive set pieces) and I think that both shows were lacking a certain...flair.

BUT

that was almost fully compensated for by the ridiculously varied set lists.

Between the two nights, we got over half of The Downward Spiral, three quarters of Broken, a Gary Neuman cover, a David Bowie cover (no Bowie though, I am crushed to say) and some other really great shit.

Seats for the first show were alright, a bit right of the stage and maybe fifty feet away, but the second night was worth the exorbitant ticket price: a hair off center and maybe 25 feet from the stage.

There were one or two songs I had heard they were playing that I would have freaked if I'd seen them, but all in all, not a bad send off for Nine Inch Nails.

Highlights included "Metal", "I Do Not Want This", "Mr. Self Destruct", "1,000,000", "Burn", "The Way Out Is Through" and "The Downward Spiral".

Boy howdy and damn betcha.

We skipped Jane's Addiction the first night and watched two or three songs the second night.

Meh.

Heroin is SO passé.

Then we went home and ate some delicious homemade chicken chili.

Thus ends My Busy Weekends for the Summer.

From this point on, you come to me or you go and fuck yourself.