NEXT WEEK, I WILL BE ON ADULT SWIM.

Long story short:
This evening I attended the unveiling of the new CNN.com and the ridiculously swank after party at Hudson.
I was informed about the full plan for the viral things that were shot about a month ago and CNN's plans to air three different spots all next week on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
That's right motherfuckers, I AM GOING TO BE ON THE SAME CHANNEL AS SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST.
I have officially made it.
So, watch Adult Swim from 10pm to 2am next Monday through Friday to see me and Ian ripping CNN a new one.
Holy fucking shit.

Actual, Honest To God Murder

10.8.09

9:09 pm

All right.

So, there was a resident here, an older woman, whose son visited her every day, talking to her, feeding her etc.

Every day.

A few days ago, she died suddenly. I called the code and the EMT's worked on her for over an hour before she expired.

The next day, the memo came down to have security ready when the son came in for his regular, daily visit in case he flipped at the news.

He didn't come in that day.  Or the next day.  Or the next day.

The Hospital tried to call him on all his numbers, but to no avail.

Two days ago, someone mentioned to me the possibility that maybe he had also died, like a he-was-so-close-to-his-mother-that-he-died thing.

I asked for an explanation and they told me about the fact that he'd visited her every day since she'd arrived and then, about forty minutes after he left...his mother died and no one could reach him at ANY of his numbers.

I, being a snarky fuck, mentioned that it seemed a lot less magical and a lot more suspicious to me.

I mean, the death was sudden and took place, literally thirty-odd minutes after the son had left and now no one could reach him.

Anyway.

The son finally came in today.

When he arrived, he was asked to wait in the security office.

A quick aside.

He was told to wait in the security office.

He asked why and the Administrator on Duty said that he couldn't discuss it, but that someone was on their way.

He asked if his mother was okay.

The Administrator on Duty said he couldn't discuss it and that someone would be on their way down in a few minutes.

You probably won't recall, but this AOD is the guy that would always push my buttons: repeating things a thousand times as if I were a retarded child, being a spineless buck passing waste of bone marrow etc.

Well, up to this point, I'd just disliked the guy, he was an officious little prick that lorded his tiny, almost-insignificant modicum of power whenever it didn't matter, but whenever a REAL decision was to be made, he was all about washing his hands as fast as possible and then telling several people that he had done just that so as to cover his yellow ass.

But what he did today, what he did to that guy who had just (unbeknownst to him because of the cowardly fuck in question) lost his mother, was morally reprehensible.

It was craven and the worst thing ANYONE could have done in this position.

And before? I just disliked him. He was the typical idiot, sanctimonious, no-sense-of-humor-or-irony, dick boss type we all run into occasionally, but after this? I wouldn't waste spit on him.

Aside over.

So, this guy is standing in the security for over ten minutes with NO ONE telling him what's wrong.

Slowly, more and more security guards are trickling into the room in case he flips out and standing there awkwardly, waiting for SOMEONE to tell him that his mother died five days ago and had already been sent to the County Medical Examiner's office because no one could reach him and the chickenshit AOD is dodging each and every question SO badly that I'm just sweating; the tallest and most uncomfortable fly on the wall in fucking HISTORY...

And then two NYPD detectives enter the office and ask him to step into the Security Supervisor's office.

Long story short:

He had been seen putting things into his mother's food before feeding her, the ME's report stated that she was ACTUALLY dead more like ten to fifteen minutes after her son left the room, not forty and he had been misusing her social security checks for years.

The NYPD were waiting on results from a toxicology report from the autopsy they performed a day or so ago.

Security got a call about a half hour ago that he had indeed poisoned her and that she was in the process of dying while he was leaving the building.

He killed his own mother.

And he did it with NO FUCKING FORETHOUGHT WHATSOEVER.

So, since the NYPD showed up, I've had four people tell me I'm in the wrong business.

Score.

And, with that beautifully set up segue...

The CNN viral thing I shot a month or so ago is up.

Now, some people might actually be confused by this.

CNN just released an iPhone app.

The plot of this viral thing is that my character (Martin) and this other character (Paul) claim to have invented the world's first news reporting iPhone app, the Zap News App.

Thing is, it sucks, like, hilariously.

So, we're suing CNN and posting videos on You Tube and yeah.

So.

There's the setup.

Go to http://www.zapnewsapp.com/ for further updates.

Also, the Davidoff Hot Water commercial is on TV here and in Europe.

You can watch it on the Davidoff Hot Water site by going here--> http://www.zinodavidoff.com/fragrances/main.php?lang=en#/hotwater/hotwater/communication/ and clicking "TV".

Or on TV in Europe.

And in the U.S, apparently.

It's two beautiful people fucking on a beach.

And my voice is the post-coital cigarette.

And I fucking love that.

My Method soap, creepy perv/frat boy rapist VO should be up sometime in November and I'll keep you updated on that tip.

This is going to be fucking awesome...

http://www.youtube.com/zapnewsapp

Martin Scorsese: "I Like Gangster Movies! Whee!"

8.20.09

8:46 pm

I watched Casino last night. 

Somewhat by accident. 

It was one of the first five or so movies I put on my Netflix queue back in, oh, I don't know, 2005?

We also received Hairspray.

We need to pay more attention to the passage of time, specifically with regards to our Netflix queue.

The problem has since been rectified, but, I must speak for a moment about Casino.

Why is Martin Scorsese lauded?

I mean, yeah, the movie was long and Robert DeNiro was in it, but...why?

It just felt so...typical.

I guess maybe that's the point of his films?

Like, anyone can do a gangster film, but Scorsese can do a three hour gangster film.

Not sure.

The Departed was pretty good.

One thing that kept bothering the hell out of me: the number of music cues.

Jesus Fucking Christ, if you played some sort of drinking game linked to the number of times the music shifted in a scene you'd die.

Pick a song.

Stick with it.

Roll camera.

And hey, Joe Pesci as a mobster hot-head?

Brilliant!!

Eh, whatever.

I remember hearing this spoken of as "Sharon Stone's Oscar film" and it definitely felt like that, xmax.

So afterwards I watched some of Basic Instinct 2, just to put things in perspective.

Her legs look like skin bags full of cottage cheese.

*SHUDDER*

Anyway, Beck has been doing some interesting stuff lately.

He redesigned his website (http://www.beck.com/) and has been updating it with excellent little tidbits every two days or so.

One is a section entitled "Irrelevant Topics", which is Beck just talking to some other person in the industry about nothing in particular.  The first was him and Tom Waits and the second was him and Will Ferrell.

There's also something called "Planned Obsolescence" which is...like a mix tape, but a mix tape of stuff Beck listens to, which is...enlightening.

Only problem with that is Beck doesn't allow it to be downloaded, a problem Beck (or his label) seems to have with a lot of things.

The other two sections are far more intriguing and fun.

About a year ago, Beck released "Modern Guilt", a Beck-does-a-60's-album album.

Pretty cool stuff.

Not as long or lush as some of his other ventures, but good.

A few months ago, when he and his band returned from Japan, they went into the studio and re-recorded the album in a more acoustic, stripped down fashion and they've been posting it, a track at a time for the past month or so.

Some of it doesn't translate as well (Walls), but some of it allows you to see the song without all the Pro Tools (Chemtrails).

Along with "Modern Guilt Acoustic" Beck has introduced "Record Club".

THIS is the shiznit.

Beck got together with a bunch of other music people (including Giovanni Ribisi and Nigel Godrich) and, in a day, recorded, in its entirety, "The Velvet Underground & Nico".

He plans to do this again and has already with Sonic Youth's EVOL and some other album with MGMT..

I think Prince should do this, because, for all his prolificacy, he's just not doing a lot of good stuff.

Every three albums you get two or three memorable songs and that's just sad.

BUT Prince's recent cover of "Crimson and Clover" was the bomb.

And Foo Fighter's cover of Prince's "Darling Nikki" is also the bomb.

I'm just saying.

The only problem I really have with Beck is (and again, this could be him or his trundling, prehistorically out-of-date label) the stinginess.

When "Modern Guilt" came out, you could go to Beck's myspace and listen to thirty seconds of the new single.

Thirty seconds.

The single was already on the radio and on iTunes (and the whole album had already leaked to the torrent sites), but you could only hear thirty seconds of it.

Along with this is the plan to release a limited edition EP with some of the acoustic versions of the "Modern Guilt" songs on it.

Uh...

The same songs that I can hear on the website for free?

The same songs that, like all of the Record Club and Planned Obsolescence, can be downloaded from a torrent site about an hour after it's posted?

No, I'm not going to pay you for five of these ten songs.

This speaks directly to either Beck's lack of business savvy and disconnection from the modern music fan or that of his label.

I'd like to think it's his label that's not only out of touch but scrambling for already-tried-and-failed methods of raping a few more dollars out of the fans because the idea that Beck is the one saying, "yeah, let's charge them extra for this too" really fucks with the friendly-if-a-bit-vacant-hippy-spaceman -funk-folkster image he's created over the years.

Fingers crossed that the next Record Club with be They Might Be Giant's "Factory Showroom".

Beck could kick the shit out of S~E~X~X~Y...

Also, last week I had my first on screen gig since the Rock Band 2 thing last year.

NOT ONLY did I get to actually act, but I even got to improv.

It was...freeing.

The whole thing was rock solid except for the fact that I had a tiny piece of silicon from my ear plugs stuck in my right ear, cutting off any and all sound.

A little disorienting, but nothing world ending.

That should be all over CNN.com in the coming weeks.

AAAnd I just received the "Davidoff Hot Water" spots.

God damn.

They are just straight up beach porn with my dripping-wet-love-taco voice trailing along at the end.

As soon as they're released, I'll post a link or something.

Tomorrow morning I record yet another VO for the Adrenalina folks.

They like me and pay me so I like them.

It's as simple as that.

Thinking about seeing Inglourious Basterds this weekend.