I'm Getting An Erection

8.9.10

7:48 pm

This Saturday, Chris and I dragged our mattresses out to cover the living room floor, donned our "Camp Counselor circa 1980" costumes and opened our place to a scant few individuals.

Alan, Lisa, Danielle and Mel, to be specific.

As I am known to be.

We watched the 1979 Harold Ramis/Bill Murray joint "Meatballs" and then the 2002 David Wain/Michael Showalter joint "Wet Hot American Summer".

I had never seen all of "Meatballs" before and Christ is it worthless without Bill Murray.

Every shitty line is made gold by merely passing through his mouth.

Bless.

In the middle of "Meatballs", there was the inevitable moment where the two dorks are sneaking into the Ladies Dorm and watching the "do stuff".

In "Meatballs", the "stuff" was a bit odd.

There was one girl reading from a bodice ripper and other girls mockingly acting it out.

Nothing too sexy, but, nevertheless, the glasses nerd (as opposed to the "fat nerd") announces to his friend, "I'm getting a boner."

Okay.

Now.

I have heard this said and SAID this (jokingly) hundreds of times in my life, BUT Alan assures me that teenagers do, seriously and sincerely, say this to one another.

Why?

WHY?

Alan provided that they don't understand how awkward that actually is, but I have to disagree.

Why in the hell would you just turn to someone and inform them you have a boner?

Unless it's an attractive woman who has offered to play with it?

Or due, if you're into that.

But why would one straight male teenager say it to another?!

I'm mind blown here, folks.

Aside from that mini-aneurysm, everything else went fine.

AND I have actually left my mattress in the living room and slept there the past two days.

It's fun!

Like a sleepover in my own house!!!

I may just leave it there indefinitely, but who knows.

I think this is uninteresting.

I'm finished.

The Boondock Saints II: Poop In A Sock

8.4.10

4:20 pm

I'll allow a moment for anyone reading this to "smoke a fatty".

...

There we are.

Congrats.

In the summer of 1998, I was first introduced to "The Boondock Saints" by Will.

It was an excellently over-the-top stylish action movie full of hilarious and quotable characters.

Plus Willem Dafoe in, perhaps, one of his most frightening roles ever and Ron Jeremy in, perhaps, one of his most erotic roles ever.*

While the story wasn't anything people hadn't seen before, it was fun as hell.

The ending was a total cliffhanger and fans wanted the sequel NOW.**

When I got to college in 1999, I found out that Boondock Saints had become a fixture with 18-year old males.

The movie...was EVERYWHERE.

A room that didn't own at least one copy was instantly shunned.

And the sequel was nowhere to be seen, a mere whisper of a rumor of it being on the horizon eventually.

The writer/director/house band Troy Duffy had made a pretty good movie that had become an instant classic with the 18 to 25 crowd.

He began to believe, not only his own hype, but that he was a god amongst fools.

In 2003 a documentary was set to be made about him and how he was going to redefine the action genre, but he treated the people involved like shit to the point where they re-edited it and released it as "Overnight".

The film was mainly to show Troy Duffy burning up, not only all his Hollywood bridges, but also all his credibility and good will he'd accrued after the first flick and to cement the idea that Boondock Saints 2 was never going to be made.

People were bummed, but eventually, they forgot about Mr. Duffy's Wild Ride.

Over the next year or two, bits of plot or script or a web site would pop up proclaiming "Boondock Saints II: Second Coming...Coming Soon." 

It didn't.

Fast forward to a time when the people that would have cared about the sequel are now about eleven years older.

Troy Duffy writes, directs and does the entire soundtrack for (not just instrumental stuff; he and his band record songs FOR the scenes in the movie so they all sort of reflect or downright ADDRESS what you are seeing on the screen...it's goddamn horrible and probably the reason he made Boondock Saints in the first place, to drum up publicity for his shitty band) the sequel.

It makes a quiet fart sound and a bad smell that people ignore, then forget.

Last night, I put myself in a hot box with said fart smell.

And it was farty.

The biggest and most pronounced problem with "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day" is that it was made one decade after the first one rather than one year.

Well, the very biggest and most pronounced problem is that it was made, but, shut up.

I'd say the second biggest problem is that it was almost the exact same movie (same characters saying the same type of things, same here's-the-beginning-and-end-of-the-action-sequence-then-the-off-beat-but-really-smart-FBI-agent-tells-us-the-middle gimmick) but a parody of itself.

All the well done, just-over-the-top-enough-to-be-fun characters and dialogue from the first movie were blown so far out of proportion and so grossly exaggerated that there was seldom a conversation between two characters where they weren't both just shouting and waving their hands or slinging adolescent one-liners back and forth as if they were alone in the room.

Willem Dafoe was replaced with Dexter's girlfriend (from that show about the serial killer that kills serial killers on Showtime. I think it's called "Dagwood".) with a bad Southern accent.

Her character in a nutshell?

Here's a line: "Ah'm so smart Ah make smart people look fuckin' retarded."

Well met, Sir Duffy, well met.

Rocco was replaced (except for an utterly pointless jargon, catchphrase and cliché-filled dream sequence in which he and the brothers yell in unison about how manly they are and about being real men and things ain't what they used to be and other stuff taken directly from Denis Leary's stand up routine in the 90's while music from the first film plays in the background) by Clifton Clinton Jr. (looks like a combination of Harry Connick Jr., Robert Downey Jr. and a jackal), who is usually fun as hell and, God bless him, he did what he could with this soggy bag of feces, but he was literally just imitating Rocco's idiot behavior from the first movie.

The three detectives (who looked almost as ravaged by age as the brothers themselves) showed up, Fuck Ass showed up and the son of the mob guy they executed at the end of the first movie showed up...played by a potty-mouthed Judd Nelson.

Who looked kind of starving.

The whole thing was a predictable, parodic toilet romp until the last three minutes...in which Willem Dafoe comes back from the dead to sow the seeds of a global conspiracy...AND SET UP A SECOND MOTHERFUCKING SEQUEL.

That's right all you masochists, "The Boondock Saints III: There's A Hole In The Poop Sock And It's Getting Everywhere. Ugh, It's On My Hands And Everything. Oh Damn It, Some Of It Got In The Bean Dip, Damn It! I Need A Bunch Of Wet Paper Towels Now! Why On Earth Did I Ever Think It Would Be A Good Idea To Poop Into A Sock?!" is coming.

Hopefully after I'm dead.

But.

Here is how much of a Willem Dafoe fan I am.

I might see this movie.

Not in the theaters (unless the Scott Pilgrim fairies*** sprinkle some free ticket dust my way), but I would Netflix it a few years after its release, sure.

And if THAT isn't a ringing endorsement of BDS3: TAHITPSAIGEUIOMHAEODISOIGITBDDIINABOWPTNWOEDIETIWBAGITPIAS?!, I really don't know what is.

Switching plates, there is a shity new E interview on the Eels web site, and an excellent new Beck interview on the Beck web site.

There are far too many exclamation points in the E interview to be realistic so I'll chalk that shit up to Drowned In Sound or whoever the interviewer was.

It was also one of those interviews that tries to get "stylish" and blend the actual Q&A interview with factoids about the band.

The gist of the interview?

Eels have a new album coming out.

In more exciting Eels news, their live line up has been revealed as their first warm up gig happened last night at the Galaxy Theater in L.A.

Full five-piece band, featuring the Chet (multi-instrumentalist) and someone named P-Boo.

I have no idea what they play or if they are even a human, but I'm excited.

One other thing I took from the interview regarding live shows, he said to not have any expectations, meaning,that you shouldn't base the upcoming tour on an earlier tour.

In the past, I'd comb the internet for set lists and bootlegs, spoiling any surprises there might be sometimes months in advance, but this time, for the sake of my own personal enjoyment, I just might refrain.

Also, they released another track from the new album called "Baby Loves Me".

It's simple and direct, not great, but fun.

That's that.

On the other end of the interview spectrum, was the Beck interview with Pitchfork.

These guys asked him questions and he answered them.

He talked about how he did the music for Sex Bob-Omb (Scott Pilgrim's band in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World) in two days, inspired by Nigel Godrich printing massive blow ups from the graphic novels and hanging them up around the studio.

Impressive.

There's one song called "Garbage Man" or "Garbage Truck" or "I'll Be Your Garbage Man" that is pure, delicious Beck.

He also mentioned that he has a new album almost ready to go that might be out by the end of summer.

And now that he has no record label, he might just pop it up on his web site some day.

Score.

This man continually impresses and delights me.

Looking at my top five bands, I have to count myself incredibly lucky that none of them have broken up or OD'ed or started to suck.

I mean, aside from massive delays between albums because of addiction (Nine Inch Nails) or bullshit faggot**** eco-fuckery (Cake), they're still here and making music that ranges from good to excellent.

In the case of Beck with his recent spate of collaborations (Charlotte Gainsbourg, Wilco, Feist, Jamie Lidell, Thurston Moore, Tortoise, Bat for Lashes, St. Vincent, Liars, Devendra Banhart, MGMT, Tobacco, and Stephen Malkmus) and Eels three-albums-in-sixteen-months thing, M'yes, very lucky indeed. 

One last thing.

Today there is a new memo on the switchboard.

It was posted by Lady Grammar herself, my stuporvisor.

That's not a misspelling, that is what I refer to her as, as she is "stupid", yet my "supervisor".

Get it?

This is said memo, verbatim:

"WHEN USING THE CONSOLE TO PAGE'

WHEN PAGING PLEASE DIAL 3756 PRESS THE "EES" KEY

LOCATED @ THE TOP RIGHT CORNER OF

THE 'CONSOLE'

YOU WILL THEN ENTER THE NUMBER YOU

ARE PAGING AND FOLLOW THE PROMPTS.

I think my favorite part is the quotation marks around 'console'.

Right then, ta.

*Kidding.

**Meaning "then".

***I have now received a total of five invites to see this movie. Guys, I'm flattered, but spoken for.

****Meant to offend Cake, not homosexuals.

The Book of Road of Another Version of the Truth

8.3.10

4:25 pm

First off, watched Cormac McCarthy's The Road last night.

Whereas The Book of Eli was more comic book/stylish/action movie, The Road was more...we are gonna fucking die.

Dark shit.

Went along pretty well with the book, but for the addition of flashbacks to his wife and (sort of) how things got to be how they are.

A nice addition.

Nice job,

Nice, dark, dead job.

Moe importantly, Chris and I had our engagement/machete party last week.

A resounding success despite the lack of rooftop access (although I'm sure more people would have partook of the Chopping and been less Afraid if we'd had it) and a shorter than expected (five hours) duration.

We had a metric fuckton of people (that's 33 for all you non-mathematicians out there...like anybody that reads this isn't a mathematician...silly, silly me...) and it was delightful to see so many people that we usually don't.

This party has spurred us to want to have more and more frequently.

So, whip out your party hats, because hopefully, you'll be seeing a lot more of us.

Bill showed up and presented us will YET ANOTHER machete, this one was his father's and has actually been used to cut through vines and such in Burma and places like that.

It's a bit smaller than its Honduran cousins, but it's a fuck lot sharper too.

As in, you could die by touching it.

Our plan is to de-rust it (it's a leetle oxidized at the mo') and mount it with the others.

And then gut home invaders with it.

So, any home invaders out there?

Come on over and meet my little friend, Choppy III AKA Victor the Victorious.

We're naming our machetes now.

I've spent the last two nights rewatching Spaced, the British TV show written by Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson Heynes and directed by Edgar Wright.

These guys...boy oh boy, so glad they kept making stuff.

Jessica is just adorable.

Also hunted around (Google searched) and found a brand new teaser for the upcoming David Fincher movie, The Social Network, featuring brand new Reznor/Ross music.

As I thought, the music lends a slightly overdramatic feel to things.

This is going to be a really odd score for this movie, I think.

We'll see.

And speaking of Reznor, my Another Version Of The Truth Blu-Ray arrived today.

A little background.

A few years ago, Reznor leaked about 400GB of HD footage from their Lights In The Sky tour.

The original plan was to film a concert in 3D with James Cameron directing, but scheduling got fucked and the whole thing was abandoned.

This was a massive sad face for me and thousands of fans, because this tour was, by far, the most technically impressive, full of moving LED screens which used interactive, real-time elements during the show.

It would have made an incredible Blu-Ray release.

Anyway, some fans decided to take the 400GB (three whole shows worth of raw footage) and assemble a master edit, then release it, free (except for shipping) for anyone that wanted it.

After time there were torrents made available, then regular DVD's and then, finally, the Blu-Ray.

I got mine today.

Had a chance to pop it in a have a look.

These guys did a great job.

The ONLY problem I'd mention is the lack of professional editing.

Other than the occasional sloppy or odd edit, the thing looks amazing.

So, for $11 I got the professionally printed Blu-Ray of the leaked footage (called "The Gift"), a DVD of the last NIN show from that tour and a bonus disc with some pretty cool shit on it, all in a professionally printed package including artwork and some other dorky NIN fanboy goodies you would probably not care to hear about.

MAGIC MISSILE!!!!!

Magic Missile, indeed...

Anyway, now I'm planning a small (I can think of 8 people that might be interested) gathering to watch this tasty little biscuit at my place.

Should be fun.

Could that be it?

Well, I could mention that there's this dude here that believes Cool Water cologne doesn't smell like toilet cleaner or maybe he just has gangrene or massive halitosis and just pours the shit on every night before he gets here so he funks up the tiny, non-ventilated office I'm in so it stinks like the 80's whenever he shows up.

He smells awful and it makes me want to sob.

Maybe I'll bring Chris' respirator and see if he gets the point.

The point that he smells like a magazine insert.

Or maybe not.

He might be self conscious.

Of smelling horrible.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Funt.

7.28.10

3:48 pm

Yes.

YES.

Went with Colin to see "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World" yesterday.

And it was absolutely excellent.

The style was palpable, the characters were oh just see the damn thing when it comes out.

The whole thing was a bag of fun monkeys.

And I'd never even heard of the comic.

I first heard of it on the Beck website because he was doing all the songs the band in the movie did, so, based on the really mundane shot they had on the Beck webs tie, I thought it was about a band, THEN Lisa mentioned it was a really nutty comic with a video game sensibility and I was interested, THEN I found out that Edgar Wright (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) was the director and I made a little poop in my pants.

Just a little, so you know it's there, yeah?

That's when I started getting the invites...

I was invited to a free screening on Thursday, July 1st, but because I was off from work that Friday and they get suuuper suspicious about things like that, I could go.

Then, I got ANOTHER invite for the day AFTER I got back from a three day vacation, and that's ALSO a no no.

I was sad foot sign.

Then, on Sunday night, I check my e-mail to find that Jeeeeezus, sent me a THIRD invite to see the movie.

Folks, whether or not you believe in Jeeeezus, you do NOT deny him a third time, that is...it's just bad form, si?

So I said, "Oh my Jeeeezus gonna be there!!", and RSVPed in the affirmative for the screening yesterday.

Now, the actor that I am, I can't just come into work all happy pappy and then call out, no, NO!

That would be a waste of my skillz (mad as they are) and, in my mind, make things look a little suspicious.

So.

Monday, I came in with a terrible headache, rubbing my temples, squinting at the light, things like that, subtle though, not going to people, shaking them and screaming, "Golly shit, what a head ache!! I have an ache in my head!! I might not be here tomorrow for the pain that is in my head!!", just, you know, subtle...yeah...

And, as far as anyone was paying any attention to me, it worked.

In fact, Oscar winner that I am, I'm still feeling like shit right now, as I type this, and won't be better until Thursday or maybe Friday.

BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I ROLL.

Anyway, the movie.

Colin and I were probably ten years older than everyone else there and I was reminded of how much of a punk ass I was back then when I was at Fordham and going to these free screenings like three times a month, but whatever, my enthusiasm was matched by these little whipper snappers so fuck 'em.

The movie was a stylistic feast, creating the world perfectly.

Michael Cera was doing his Michael Cera thing for a while, but it seems like he actually got some fight training because he was doing quite a bit of the fighting.

I also decided that Michael Cera even looks a bit like Beck (I think it's his ability to mimic Beck blank stare and slightly slack jawed face).

The world was exaggerated and video games reference heavy, the music was perfectly matched for it and the "Sex Bob-Om" song "Garbage Man" is going t sound awesome sung by Beck.

The Culken in this is great, delightfully snarky as is pretty much everyone else in the cast.

After the movie, I went home a downloaded the whole comic to see how they line up.

The art is very simple and childish (they use some panels in the actual movie) and the dialogue (so far) is mostly right from the book, like verbatim.

Edgar Wright seems to have been called in to give life to the black and white drawings, to give it the personality that was flat on the page and, fuck dogs, he did it.

And, although he did a great job with it, no doubt, I'd still have liked him to do another written/directed Nick Frost/Simon Pegg project, but, beggars, choosers, Jeeezus.

What else.

Hm, just a lot of fun action stuff.

It's perfect for someone in their late 20's because of all the cultural reference stuff and perfect for people in their early 20's because it's Michael Cera and flashy and hip.

I'm going to see this again in theaters...maybe.

It is totally worth $13, but you know how it is with my cheapness.

Great movie, great great movie.

My most recent movie-going experiences have been unparalleled.

"Inception" and then this?

Jeeeezus.

Xmax.

Switching plates, we just purchased our tickets for our trip with Phil, Will, Lady and THE BLESSING a day or so ago.

Mucho stoke-o!!!

There's gonna be sand, folks, oh is there gonna be sand.

Honestly, I don't give a shit what we do.

I'm all about the company.

I do NOT want to do passive nature stuff.

Like fucking hiking.

"Hiking" is "walking on rocks".

Fuck that.

White water rafting?

THAT is some active nature shit.

I want to be in danger of DROWNING, not a goddamn heat rash or sweaty buttes.

I can swim just fine, I can't deal with sweating like a Nixon.

I'd also like to punch a mountain lion.

In the dick.

I'd yell "Cock Punch!!" and it would be great.

Yeah, great.

Alessandro Cortini (former NIN keyboardist, current NIN-collaborator) has a new solo project called SONOIO.

He's put out the first four tracks for free download.

They're all right.

Nothing to whip dicks about, but, you know I appreciate new music, especially from NIN-related people.

That has actually been quite a suffering for me.

As of a few months ago, all Onion kiosks were moved to BELOW 23rd street.

Which put a massive hitch in my usual Thursday plan of walking down to 85th and Lex to pick up my copy.

I usually check out their music reviews and listen to what they recommend.

True, I'll only dig maybe one in ten, but that's still a constant influx of new music.

Without the Onion, I am beginning to starve.

So, again, I appreciate the new AC solo project.

I hope good things come of it.

You're probably not, but, if you are interested, go to http://www.sonoio.org/ to check it out.

I's done.

Oh, and party in the night time this Saturday.

Fucking Roof Goblins have fucked us, so we're chopping shit in the kitchen.

We need a tarp...

So. Much. Nothing.

7.22.10

7:02 pm

The last three days, I have been on vacation.

Nowhere impressive, just my newly ceiling fanned living room, mostly.

Long story short, I had three days of vacation I had to take before the end of this week and, rather than realize it BEFORE we booked the Maine trip, I realized it afterward and ended up taking these three days off.

During these three days, I did so little...oh...lord...so little.

I just might be the least busy person I know.

And I'm ambivalent about that.

The correct definition of ambivalent, not the fake one people are raping into the vernacular.

Anyway.

On Sunday, I saw 'Inception' with Colin, Joyce, Chris and Kaitlyn.

As I said before: I no longer need to watch movies.

Just see it.

Take a night and just see it.

Shut the fuck up and see it.

Go.

See it.

It LAUGHS at 'The Matrix'.

It...just go see it.

After Sunday, I was so affected by Leonardo DiCaprio, that I decided to watch 'Shutter Island' and, because of that, 'The Departed'.

'Shutter Island' was very good, especially in the atmosphere department.

I recall Scorsese saying he wanted to do a horror movie, and he did.

During the movie, I thought it might have been a remake, but, apparently, it was more of an homage.

Ben Kingsley, baby.

And Michelle Williams officially reminds me of Michelle Mumford.

Which is cool, because she's great.

They both are.

And because of DiCaprio's Boston accent, I then rewatched 'The Departed'.

So simple, so excellent.

Matt Damon...you...you guys...

Good stuff.

Solid, manly, crime movie.

I like it better than the typical DeNiro Scorsese film.

Aside from my Scorsese Romp, Chris and I watched 'The Book of Eli', a movie I heard about first when some guy on a podcast I listen to said that his friend, who used to be in video games journalism had written and sold the script for it and second, when I found out that Atticus Ross (of 12 Rounds and Nine Inch Nails) had done the score.

Pretty good movie.

Gary Oldman does an amazing job, as usual and Denzel Washington is a super badass.

Speaking of Atticus Ross scoring movies, I found out a week or so ago that he and Trent Reznor are going to be scoring the new David Fincher movie, 'The Social Network'.

Now...about a year or so ago, when I heard they were making a Facebook movie, I as ready to just explode Hollywood, confident that they had actual run out of ideas AND movies to remake, and were just cannibalizing the most popular thing in the world at the time and making a movie about it.

But.

David FIncher is directing.

As in 'Se7en', 'Fight Club', 'Aliens 3' David FIncher.

So, I'm cool.

And now that Reznor (who was GOING to score the Fincher directed movie 'Survivor', based on the Chuck Palahniuk novel, before the whole 9/11 thing made people in airplanes verboten in movies for the next two years and the project got cancelled) is finally getting to score a Fincher flick?

Well, heck, I'm excited.

Thing is...Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor have collaborated before on the NIN release "Ghosts I-IV" (plus other NIN things) and the more recent How To Destroy Angels EP and NONE of ANY of EITHER of those seems like it would fit into a straightforward movie like Social Network.

So I'll be interested to see if Reznor just does his usual thing (I'm Nine Inch Nails as FUCK, fuck your stupid movie!!), something completely unlike him (let's get bluegrass!!!) or some blend of the two, which would be nice.

Regrettably, I also watched 'Cop Out', the first movie directed but not written by Kevin Smith (except for the scenes that were so clearly improv that you could just smell it).

It was a whole lot of awful.

There was no actual plot.

And Tracy Morgan comes off as so one sided as to be not funny.

As far as Kevin Smith goes, there seemed to be no directing at all.

Luckily, he did NOT write the script, so at least we can excuse him from that.

I then had a hankering for 'The 40 Year Old Virgin', which is two hours and twelve minutes, but worth it.

That Judd Apatow...he's got some money.

And the cast...so rock solid...just boners everywhere.

And boobies.

Don't forget the boobies.

CAN'T forget the boobies.

Lastly, I have started playing Bioshock.

There goes another month of my life.

Oh, but I did manage to get outside.

I went to lunch with Danielle on Tuesday.

So very, very awkward.

Just found out today that there are no more rooftop escapades allowed.

Fucking Government.

Actually, it's not the Government's fault, it's the fault of whatever stupid ass paraquat went up to the roof at 3am on July 5th and set off some heavy duty fireworks and then didn't clean up after themselves.

Thanks for shitting on all the apples.

So the Engagement Party is going to be a total wash.

This relationship is over.

Or maybe we'll just chop shit in the kitchen.

Whichever.

Did I mention the ceiling fan?

It's truly excellent.

Oh, and they put up the first video from the new eels album.

It's just awful.

But it does feature roof top access, so at least it has that going for it.

Not much else though.

Anyway.

So, yeah, that's three days of my life.

Just sad, really.

But I got to hang out with Chris so that's worth it.

Ayuh.

7.14.10

4:33 pm

This entry has nothing to do with Maine.

About a week ago, I finished playing Red Dead Redemption.

Great game, great ending, never really seen anything like it in a game quite frankly.

Anyway, it took me about three weeks or so to finish.

It was an open world game with a lot of little things here and there for you to do aside from the main "story" missions.

After I finished it, I decided I wanted something a bit less...complicated.

So I put in God of War 3.

I finished it in two sessions over last weekend.

Bam.

In and out.

I am the walrus.

Just as great, less involving, but a LOT more action oriented.

And ridiculously violent, like laughably so.

As I twittered, I stole Hades' soul.

Hades, by the by, was voiced by Clancy Brown who played the Bad Guard in Shawshank Redemption AND voices Lex Luthor in all the recent Justice League/Superman cartoons.

He's awesome.

And I ate his soul.

Over the course of the game, aside from taking Hades' soul, you gouge out Poseidon's eyes, severe Hermes' feet (for his winged sandals, of course), tear off Helios' head (to use as a flashlight), fuck Aphrodite and kill Zeus.

Like I said, ridiculous.

But fun.

Almost done with my second (and most likely, penultimate) playthrough.

Next up?

Maybe Bioshock?

I've had that on my back log for a while and it should switch the pace nicely from GOW 3.

Planning on seeing Inception this weekend.

Also going to dinner with Phil's Other Brother, Stu, some goddamn hookah bar (why can't they be quieter?), Sacred Chao, Prospect Park (if it isn't balls out this weekend...and not "balls out" as in "Tall Paul, balls out!" but like "it's hot and sticky and nasty and suicidal out").

Should be mas fun.

At the moment, I'm listening to two of the more annoying clods at my work bragging and trying to top each other about how functional the alcoholics in their families are.

"Well, MAH Unca, he a hot mess, he be like, 'I know I gots a problem, but it's duh alcohol dat keep me TUGEHAH!!!!!!'"

"Yeah, well mah DADDY, he be a hot mess, be driving ALLL the time when HE drunk, he alway gots like two bottles of Abasolut ready to GO!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Well, MAH daddy, who be bein' like a HOT mess, alway git like fo' botows all over the place! He was a manager at ConEd for like 45 years! Always drunk on the job!!!!!!!!"

Jesus fucking Christ.

It's disgusting.

The pride in their voices, like they're talking about children doing well in school.

And meanwhile, speaking of their children, just yesterday one of them was on the phone with one of their daughters.

An excerpt: "He be givin' you infections, why you be givin' him money?"

Cue "Dear Mama" by 2Pac

I swear to everything I hold dear that is ver-fucking-batim.

"He be givin' you infections, so why you be givin' him money?"

Is there ANY other way to interpret this?

Any?!

Please, help me, I think I might be losing my cool...

Watched Date Night with Chris over the weekend.

It was funny, but not nearly as funny as it should have been, considering the cast.

One thing I'll say, the file I downloaded (from either IsoHunt or Demonoid) looked AMAZING.

Better than DVD quality.

Not sure how that happened, but, damn, thank you pirates.

Loot on.

Heard Patti LuPone singing at my audition today.

She appeared to be auditioning for Wicked or something.

Don't be impressed.

I was told is was her by someone else.

I'll probably be misremembering her name as Patti Labelle in a week or so.

Not that I actually know who that is either.

She had some hits on the radio in the 80's, right?

Finger.

On the pulse.

Almost time for the Lunching.

I shall enjoy this food as if it were my own.

He be givin' you infections...Jesus fucking Christ...

An Open Letter To Tony Hawk

7.12.10

3:20 pm

Dear Tony,

May I call you Tony?

Great.

Fuck you, Tony.

In case you're wondering if I'm just some massive skateboarding fan who is jealous of your "madd skillz", I am not.

The fact that you are a multi-millionaire skateboarder makes enough people angry as it is, I'm sure.

I'm writing this letter in response to your recent interview with Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.

You've heard of them, right?

You're a big fan, right?

You've been wanting to sit down and talk with Trent Reznor for years now, right?

That's what you said, at least.

Well, one of out three ain't bad, right?

Wrong, Tony.

Wrong.

This is life, not skateboarding.

And even though one of out three might be considered a wicked ollie dinger penis in skateboarding, in life it means 33.33%...which is failing.

Tony, let me list for you, as a person who's been a fan of Nine Inch Nails for years, what types of questions a person who's been a fan of Nine Inch Nails for years (like you, right?) does NOT ask in an interview with Trent Reznor (of the band Nine Inch Nails, of which you are a fan):

• All the questions that were asked of Trent Reznor over a decade ago
• AKA all the questions that anyone taking three minutes to Google search, then read a Wikipedia entry on Nine Inch Nails, would have had answered for them by even the most basic FAQ
• AKA all the questions you asked in your interview

"Why did it take so long between records?"

"Who were your influences?"

"What does the band's name mean?"

SERIOUSLY?

Are you a 12-year old girl?

Are you an MTV executive?

Are you a time traveler?

Because even these people have access to the Internet.*

Tony.

Tony.

What the fuck.

This band has been around since 1989.

Have you ever even seen an interview with Trent Reznor?

Maybe heard someone talking about reading one?

Because every question you asked has not only been answered a thousand times by Reznor, but they are also so overasked, that even fans know the answers!

Fans like you, right?

Who've been wanting to sit down with Trent Reznor for years, right?

And ask him what he thinks your favorite color is, right?

THAT would have at least been funny, you wicked masher skanking roughhouse ass mango, you.

Good luck with your continued career of riding around on a plank of wood with wheels.

You look adorable in your little helmet.

Sincerely,

Rolling Half Pipe Stovetop Stuffing

* And , even if the time traveler had come from, like, 1883 to interview Reznor, he'd still have asked someone about where he could find information on the person he was about to interview, it's common sense.

Crunchings And Munchings

7.7.10

4:34 pm

Some bits.

Yes, some bits and pieces.

First, apologies for any incoherence you might experience, sleep has not been coming easily with this weather.

I yearn for Canada.

I yearn for icy death.

All right, let's go.

As expected, eels has put up a second track from their new album; soon a video will follow, and then, the opportunity to pre-order the album which will come with an mp3 download of said second track.

Plus, pink shirts reading "tomorrow morning" on them

Then the album and then a second video and maybe a third.

None of the songs will feel distinctly "single-y", but they will, nonetheless, be released as such.

Ah, the arbitrary nature of E.

The first track, "Looking Up", was a straight-up gospel track with cheesy lyrics and evangelical hooting provided by E and the aforementioned choir.

I was unimpressed.

The latest track, "Spectacular Girl", which appeared on the web site today, is EXACTLY what I've been waiting for.

It has all the elements of a perfect eels song: sampled drum beats, Rhodes piano (or maybe electric piano?), some string work and the celesta. Eels and the celesta go together like something or other.

Don't believe me?

Check out "Trouble With Dreams" on their my space page.

It's Celesta City up in that sock hop.

Anyway, while the lyrics aren't as earth-shatteringly good as his other stuff, they're solid.

Still looking forward to this album.

And speaking of albums...guess who finally took a few minutes from their busy schedule of berating their fans for destroying the earth to finish their fucking album, you know, the first album they've done in over six years?

That's right, Cake.

In this case, the cake is not a lie.

Unless they are lying.

They sent out a message about looking for a means of distribution since they are on their own label now.

Hey, Cake, you ever heard of Radiohead and how they handled releasing "In Rainbows"?

Do that.

You fucking eco-whiners.

I swear, for every song on this album that isn't great, an Instant Cake Classic, worth the wait, I'm burning down one of those tress you're always giving out (along with a heapin' helpin' of snark, guilt and apocalyptic doomspeak) at your shows.

You've been warned.

But, seriously, kudos for finishing the album, I'll sure it'll be good.

You fucking jaded hippy fucks.

I think this weather might just be making me a little irascible.

Since I'm already rambling about albums, TMBG has announced that their new (adult) one is dropping in 2011.

Kind of surprised at that. Again, hopes are high since Flans has said this is going to be a return to their "insane, home recording sound".

Whatever.

Just take a break from the kids stuff.

No more of that for a bit, please.

Unless it's "No!" good.

Not a pun.

I mean TMBG shouldn't do any more kids' stuff unless it's as good or better than "No!".

The party on Sunday was a massive success, even without fireworks.

Malibu does very little to me, even in large amounts.

A bit concerned about the big one later this month.

We're expecting almost 80 people.

That's about 20 people per room.

Including the bathroom.

Rock.

We gonna do the Stomp.

And kill the chicken.

And chop the hell out of fruit.

Maybe not the chicken thing.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Hm.

There's someone in the hallway just yelling "Puerto Rico!".

I should do that more often.

"Connecticut!!!!"

Yeah, that's going well.

All this week I'm working straight through 3pm to 11pm, so I plan to read a lot of comics.

Just a heads up.

Also, I plan on seeing Inception, possible when Phil comes up with Lady Grace.

Chris Nolan...that man can do things.

To my miiind.

Freak things.

Speaking of Grace, I haven't quoted William Hickey from Christmas Vacation at her yet.

"The bleeeeee-sssssing!"

Time enough for that, my friend, time enough for that.

Remember when Benicio Del Toro was trying to get Christina Ricci to kiss him in Fear & Loathing?

That was hilarious and creepy as allll get on out.

BRANDED!!!

How come something rambling like this is sometimes considered Stream of Consciousness and sometimes a blog?

Phil?

You got some literary science you can drop on me?

I have to read your new short....

Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Okay.

Focus up!

...

Hm, I really have nothing to 'focus up' on.

Nuts.

All right.

Never mind then.

Tastes Like The Past

7.1.10

5:51 pm

Hello you.

So, this afternoon, I had the shortest voice over session of my career.

It was the part of the Announcer for a new DSW (Direct Shoe Warehouse) radio campaign.

I'd auditioned Tuesday as three different talking shoes (same voice, different scripts) and had a good feeling, but, rather than one of the shoes, they cast me as the Announcer.

I had one line.

I said it maybe twenty times and I was done.

Boom.

Duckman.

Same rate as the shoes, one sixteenth of the time.

THAT is how you get it done.

After that, I returned home and watched the first two episodes of the new Futurama.

I am speechless with joy about the return of that show, so that's all I'll say.

Recently finished the latest Dresden book.

Jim Butcher needs to wrote some more.

Now.

Also picked up and read the new King short, Blockade Billy.

Should have known not giving a shit about baseball would affect my interest in the story.

It was meh.

Although the bonus short after it (Morality) was pretty interesting.

Very much looking forward to his collection of novellas coming out in November.

Later today, I received an e-mail from Will about some folks who designed a website where you can type in your body weight and then select from a list of energy/soft/etc/ drinks to find out how many it would take to kill you.

In case you don't remember, some time ago I drank 16 cans of Red Bull in eight hours while doing an overnight shift here at the Hospital.

As it turns out, I did that five years ago today.

So, as a treat...you like treats?....I have attached that journal entry from half a decade ago.

Enjoy.

********

7.1.05

11:29 PM

Just finished my first can of Red Bull.

Let me fill you in...

Tonight I am working the 11p to 7a shift at the Hospital.  For some reason, Phil, Will and myself thought that it would be a good idea if I drank one can of Red Bull every half hour for the whole night (and, surprise surprise, Christina thinks this is \b not\b0  a good idea).  I've only had two cans in my life at this point.

Here are the stats (the important ones anyway):  The main ingredient in Red Bull is Taurine.  "Taurine" is the slick, commercial name for something or other amino acid created by Red Bull.  Get it?  TAURine...TAURus...Bull...  No?  Idiot.

So here is some information about Taurine.  It is found in bile and human breast milk.  In the MSDB it is listed as an irritant and if ingested, the MSDB advises that you rinse your mouth out.  It is attributed to congestive heart failure, diabetes, epilepsy and cystic fibrosis.  The LD50 (Lethal Dose 50- which is the amount that after which consumed, half of those that consumed it died) is figured out as such...for lab rats.  For every kilogram one weighs, they can handle five times that many grams of taurine.  In other words, although this doesn't really apply to humans, I weight roughly 109kg and should therefore be able to ingest about 545 grams of taurine.  Each can contains one gram of taurine so I should be fine.Drinking 16 cans of Red Bull is the equivalent of drinking 16 cups of coffee or 40 cans of Coke.  There is about a pound of sugar in 16 cans.  I've finished one can and have 17 minutes to finish the second.  Throughout the night I am going to describe how I feel and if it works for staving off Mr. Sandman.

11:50 PM

My heart rate is 96 beats per minute (BPM)

12:04 AM

Just got off the phone with Dr. Drew Pomerantz (Will's brother) who is hanging out with two other chemists.  They all agree that that a mere 16 grams of taurine is not going to be enough to topple this juggernaut.  They also agree that a heart rate of 96 BPM for a human at rest is above average.  Hm.

Also, just opened number three.

Heart rate is 90 BPM.

12:42 AM

My hands have picked up the slightest tremble.  Heart rate is now 80 BPM.  Can # 4.

1:00 AM

1/4 finished with the experiment and nothing really drastic has occurred.  4 cans in 2 hours.  Slight tremble still slight.  Saliva feels a bit thick but not unpleasant.  So far, I am a golden god.  Heart rate is now 84 BPM.

Average heart rate is 87.5 BPM.

1:07 AM

Saliva tasted a bit odd for a moment.  Back to normal now.

1:32 AM

Finished fifth can.  Drink now has slightly mediciney taste.  Tummy hurts a bit. 

Going on break.

2:10 AM

I feel like there are sparks in my veins.Slight tremble is now more pronounced.

2:22 AM

Waves passing through my body.  Several waves.  Opening # 7.

3:49 AM

Lights appear brighter than usual.  Also, my sense of smell has become ultra sensitive.  I think the taurine is affecting my autonomic system.  Pupils dilated more than usual.

Number nine.  Number nine.  Number nine.  Number nine.

After taking a moment to consider the affects so far, I must say that what I'm experiencing is not unlike what I usually experience during my graveyard shifts.  Earlier, Will and I were discussing why exactly I was doing this.  I mentioned it was to test my boundaries.  Will said that that would face us with a logical paradox.  What paradox is that, I asked.  That you have boundaries, replied Will.  I thought fir a moment and rephrased my statement.  All right then, I am testing the absence of boundaries.  That phrase is brilliant and copyrighted as of right now for Cat's Lair Industries.  My slogan still remains: Sursly?  Sursly.  Here comes number ten..........

4:11 AM

11 minutes behind on can 11.  Don't think my body wants anymore.  Well guess what body...brain is in charge.  Yes, Common Sense is still working, but Mr. Curiosity is bigger than common Sense and you have six more cans in your very immediate future.   HA!  Fucker.  Yag.

4:51 AM

I have four Red Bulls left and I am considering just pounding all four in one go to get them out of the way.  No major changes at all.  Just a persistent queasy feeling in my stomach.  What a waste of money.  Sheesh.  I feel like doing this with some other substance would have been more exciting.  Like cocaine.  Next time.  I'll do a line every half hour.  Hm.  Jesus.

5:04 AM

I am not going to do this ever again.

********

Oh, as a result of the experiment, I was unable to hear from my right ear for three full days.

At least I think it was because of the experiment.

I really have no idea why else that would have happened.

Some postulate that it was caused by the 2500% of my daily required niacin I received the night before.

My thanks again to Dr. Drew Pomerantz for the invaluable guidance.

Tonight, I might try that cocaine idea...

Better get ready, Christina, baby wants to fuck blue velvet...