9.27.06
10:47 PM
You know how there’s that long standing joke about never being able to dry your hands thoroughly on those air blowing things in public bathrooms? Well, all those people just don’t throw themselves at the problem head on; they don’t give themselves over to the task fully. If you have a minute, maybe a minute and a half, you can get your hands bone fucking dry. If I, one of the MOST impatient people I have ever known, can take a moment (literally) to do this, all you can too.
Soon it will be cold again and I will say goodbye to sweat for another 7 months.
Also, my new laundry bag is working out great. I feel like the headmaster of a well-to-do private school in New Hampshire.
9.27.2006
9.23.2006
This jam is real.
9.22.06
7:03 PM
I feel like something changed while I was on my break. I lay on my bed for about 30 minutes or so then my alarm brought me fully back from the strange place between wakefulness and full sleep. Outside, the sky is a thick gray/blue, full of clouds. I feel something approaching. Something with teeth.
Some of this might be attributed to a few cuts off the new Beck (leaked, d’oh). While he isn’t redefining music anymore (he stopped with “Sea Change” in my opinion), he is still doing interesting things with what has already been created in his musical universe (although not as interesting as he used to, but then again this is my first impression of my first half listen and it needs time to grow on me). “Guero” didn’t grab me like “Sea Change” or “Midnite Vultures”. Some tracks did, but not the whole thing. We’ll see how “The Information” fits into this pattern.
************************************
Also, don't ever watch "Dune". Ever.
7:03 PM
I feel like something changed while I was on my break. I lay on my bed for about 30 minutes or so then my alarm brought me fully back from the strange place between wakefulness and full sleep. Outside, the sky is a thick gray/blue, full of clouds. I feel something approaching. Something with teeth.
Some of this might be attributed to a few cuts off the new Beck (leaked, d’oh). While he isn’t redefining music anymore (he stopped with “Sea Change” in my opinion), he is still doing interesting things with what has already been created in his musical universe (although not as interesting as he used to, but then again this is my first impression of my first half listen and it needs time to grow on me). “Guero” didn’t grab me like “Sea Change” or “Midnite Vultures”. Some tracks did, but not the whole thing. We’ll see how “The Information” fits into this pattern.
************************************
Also, don't ever watch "Dune". Ever.
9.19.2006
I can't decide whether you should live or die...
6:50 PM
Over my hour and a half break, I have consumed 6 Smirnoff Ice's. Let the fun begin...
7:02 PM
Everything is a bit sway-y. Coming down the stairs was fun. I brought a few CD’s with me. Any updates will be made as they appear necessary.
Xmax.
7:08
I have to do this more often.
I wouldn’t say drunk, I’d say…blurry.
7:10
Dialing numbers is 17% more difficult than usual.
The rolling office chair I use is 38% more entertaining than usual.
7:13
I have developed hiccups.
The age old question of how many drinks would it take to make my job challenging has yet to be answered, sadly, but the day old question of how many drinks would it take to make my job more fun has indeed been sufficiently answered: 6.
7:18
I have cured my hiccups. SHAMAN! HEALER OF THE PEOPLE! THAT IS I.
Okay. A crack in my façade. I just announced a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and couldn’t help but laugh a little. Whoops.
7:21
I just held a conversation and at no point did the other person suspect I was tipsy. By which I mean they didn’t say: “Hey…are you tipsy?”
Move confidently into their midst.
I am reminded of the first time I was ever really noticeably affected by alcohol. It was on Brut champagne at the cast party for “Charley’s Aunt” (a play I was in) in my Junior or Sophomore year. I knew I was affected by alcohol when it became fun to jump. I was just in the bathroom and, friends, it is fun to jump.
7:32
I am 20% more friendly on the phone than usual.
7:34
I should have brought more fun music. Right now Cake’s Pressure Chief is the hip-hopinest thing I have. DEAL WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.
10:05
Sober. Chris showed up and we had dinner. After she left I spent a quiet time reading Blender and refocusing on the world. Security now has cameras that allows home invasion. I fear.
I’m going to put on Sea Change and by the time it’s over I will be home.
This was fun and shall be done again.
Over my hour and a half break, I have consumed 6 Smirnoff Ice's. Let the fun begin...
7:02 PM
Everything is a bit sway-y. Coming down the stairs was fun. I brought a few CD’s with me. Any updates will be made as they appear necessary.
Xmax.
7:08
I have to do this more often.
I wouldn’t say drunk, I’d say…blurry.
7:10
Dialing numbers is 17% more difficult than usual.
The rolling office chair I use is 38% more entertaining than usual.
7:13
I have developed hiccups.
The age old question of how many drinks would it take to make my job challenging has yet to be answered, sadly, but the day old question of how many drinks would it take to make my job more fun has indeed been sufficiently answered: 6.
7:18
I have cured my hiccups. SHAMAN! HEALER OF THE PEOPLE! THAT IS I.
Okay. A crack in my façade. I just announced a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and couldn’t help but laugh a little. Whoops.
7:21
I just held a conversation and at no point did the other person suspect I was tipsy. By which I mean they didn’t say: “Hey…are you tipsy?”
Move confidently into their midst.
I am reminded of the first time I was ever really noticeably affected by alcohol. It was on Brut champagne at the cast party for “Charley’s Aunt” (a play I was in) in my Junior or Sophomore year. I knew I was affected by alcohol when it became fun to jump. I was just in the bathroom and, friends, it is fun to jump.
7:32
I am 20% more friendly on the phone than usual.
7:34
I should have brought more fun music. Right now Cake’s Pressure Chief is the hip-hopinest thing I have. DEAL WITH WHAT YOU HAVE.
10:05
Sober. Chris showed up and we had dinner. After she left I spent a quiet time reading Blender and refocusing on the world. Security now has cameras that allows home invasion. I fear.
I’m going to put on Sea Change and by the time it’s over I will be home.
This was fun and shall be done again.
9.18.2006
Paul is Japanese.
9.18.06
3:35 PM
Today I am doing my job 110%.
All phone calls will be answered within a second of their first ring, every patient will be responded to in the same amount of time and every call will be sent exactly where it is supposed to without question or error.
With respect to juxtaposition, tomorrow I will come in drunk and see how different my performance is.
Completely unrelated to this, I am trying to find a place on-line where I can custom (as in design your own from scratch), textured, double-sided business cards.
One side is black (less a textured paper and more a cloth) with white text and the other side (black on white) with my e-mail and phone number.
Does ANYONE have any idea where I can put this childishly simple design into practice? Please let me know.
4:44 PM
Christ, this is fucking boring! I pity every person I know who has a job like this. I might just get drunk on my break to speed the rest of this time by. Fuck. Thank God for books (both comic and non-comic), CD players, Su Doku and Microsoft Word.
And may Satan curse the weight of the seconds not filled with distraction in the form of food or entertainment.
3:35 PM
Today I am doing my job 110%.
All phone calls will be answered within a second of their first ring, every patient will be responded to in the same amount of time and every call will be sent exactly where it is supposed to without question or error.
With respect to juxtaposition, tomorrow I will come in drunk and see how different my performance is.
Completely unrelated to this, I am trying to find a place on-line where I can custom (as in design your own from scratch), textured, double-sided business cards.
One side is black (less a textured paper and more a cloth) with white text and the other side (black on white) with my e-mail and phone number.
Does ANYONE have any idea where I can put this childishly simple design into practice? Please let me know.
4:44 PM
Christ, this is fucking boring! I pity every person I know who has a job like this. I might just get drunk on my break to speed the rest of this time by. Fuck. Thank God for books (both comic and non-comic), CD players, Su Doku and Microsoft Word.
And may Satan curse the weight of the seconds not filled with distraction in the form of food or entertainment.
9.15.2006
Starwood like you mean it.
9.15.06
3:39 PM
I have taken to grinning really hugely whenever I am furious. I feel it adds an element of I-will-tear-your-skin-off-and-eat-it-at-my-leisure to my usual tantrums. Not that I’ve had any today mind you, just something I’ve started doing.
Today I had my most artistic booking ever. After seeing some of David Lynch’s commercials from the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s, I have decided to compare it to them. It was for Starwood Hotels. And when people come to learn about their hotels (?), they will be treated to a video with meaningful images on the screen narrated (after a fashion) by me. The text consisted of about 130 words and phrases (mostly words) that interact somehow with the images, either contrasting them, juxtaposing them, expanding upon their meaning etc. It was very serious and the people involved really liked the quality of my voice. And these aren’t the slick voiceover people I have had dealings with in the past, these guys all looked like museum curators and we all know that neither museum curators nor people that resemble museum curators lie. Not to voice actors at least. I’ve known a museum curator or three that lies to the occasional anthropologist or archeologist. I should have a copy in about a month as they have yet to finish every aspect of it. They mentioned that my voice might be intercut with other talents (women) doing the same VO.
Meanwhile, the new Scissor Sisters has leaked and, although it doesn’t have as many instant favorites as their first album, I think it’s very solid and will grow on me like gay fungus from the 70’s. There is one track that will most likely find its way into the next MET for Sex.
Speaking of which, the next MET for Sex will probably take place after November first, so as to give Will a chance to see it done right. The first one was fucked up by Asians and queens respectively.
I might gather a peoples to see Jackass 2 this weekend and just let my mind float away.
I have started reading “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. So far it’s excellent.
What is NOT excellent is the fact that “My Humps” and L’il Jon exist in this world. I heard “My Humps” for the first time a few minutes ago on the phone with Will. The song itself is terrible and nauseating enough, but the fact that it reached number three on U.S. AND fucking U.K. charts makes me hate SO many people.
As for L’il Jon? Shit, fucking look at this retard. He’s like an aborted Rick James fetus. All he adds to the songs he works on is discomfort and yelling. It’s like listening to a song while a shrieking proctologist goes prospecting. The good news is, if he really is as stupid as he looks and sounds (and if he isn’t, give this motherfucker an award), then he should be dead and forgotten by 2008. It will probably go on the death certificate as heart failure or something, but we’ll all know he just forgot to breathe or something. Maybe he’ll drown in the shower. Or maybe he’ll just burst into flames in a rare occurrence of cosmic reparation.
It’s been a long week.
And now it is over.
9:35 PM
From “Good Omens”: (He was) gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
3:39 PM
I have taken to grinning really hugely whenever I am furious. I feel it adds an element of I-will-tear-your-skin-off-and-eat-it-at-my-leisure to my usual tantrums. Not that I’ve had any today mind you, just something I’ve started doing.
Today I had my most artistic booking ever. After seeing some of David Lynch’s commercials from the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s, I have decided to compare it to them. It was for Starwood Hotels. And when people come to learn about their hotels (?), they will be treated to a video with meaningful images on the screen narrated (after a fashion) by me. The text consisted of about 130 words and phrases (mostly words) that interact somehow with the images, either contrasting them, juxtaposing them, expanding upon their meaning etc. It was very serious and the people involved really liked the quality of my voice. And these aren’t the slick voiceover people I have had dealings with in the past, these guys all looked like museum curators and we all know that neither museum curators nor people that resemble museum curators lie. Not to voice actors at least. I’ve known a museum curator or three that lies to the occasional anthropologist or archeologist. I should have a copy in about a month as they have yet to finish every aspect of it. They mentioned that my voice might be intercut with other talents (women) doing the same VO.
Meanwhile, the new Scissor Sisters has leaked and, although it doesn’t have as many instant favorites as their first album, I think it’s very solid and will grow on me like gay fungus from the 70’s. There is one track that will most likely find its way into the next MET for Sex.
Speaking of which, the next MET for Sex will probably take place after November first, so as to give Will a chance to see it done right. The first one was fucked up by Asians and queens respectively.
I might gather a peoples to see Jackass 2 this weekend and just let my mind float away.
I have started reading “Good Omens” by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. So far it’s excellent.
What is NOT excellent is the fact that “My Humps” and L’il Jon exist in this world. I heard “My Humps” for the first time a few minutes ago on the phone with Will. The song itself is terrible and nauseating enough, but the fact that it reached number three on U.S. AND fucking U.K. charts makes me hate SO many people.
As for L’il Jon? Shit, fucking look at this retard. He’s like an aborted Rick James fetus. All he adds to the songs he works on is discomfort and yelling. It’s like listening to a song while a shrieking proctologist goes prospecting. The good news is, if he really is as stupid as he looks and sounds (and if he isn’t, give this motherfucker an award), then he should be dead and forgotten by 2008. It will probably go on the death certificate as heart failure or something, but we’ll all know he just forgot to breathe or something. Maybe he’ll drown in the shower. Or maybe he’ll just burst into flames in a rare occurrence of cosmic reparation.
It’s been a long week.
And now it is over.
9:35 PM
From “Good Omens”: (He was) gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide.
9.09.2006
The Birth of Debra
Go here to see the creation process that resulted in Beck's magnum opus, "Debra". If you look closely, you can see me in the background, sweating and crying.
Biochemical jism hits you with its rhythm
9.8.06
8:02 PM
The subject line is a lyric from the new Beck album. The song is called “1000 BPM” and sounds jangly in a way that only Beck can make jangly sound. Pianos skipping and stuttering while a White boy raps.
I don’t really have anything to talk about.
Ray got Binding Silence into the H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival in Oregon and I’m going with him and Lauren. According to Ray, I will be famous there; autographs and pictures and everything. Rowr. I think the experience will be good for my ego, I don’t have a very big one and this will provide some Ego Meat. The director of the festival called Ray personally and said he loved the film and that it was going to be included on a DVD anthology of H. P. Lovecraft-esque films. Volume five or six of the anthology, Ray thinks. I will be in people’s houses…eating their brains…from the inside.
Meanwhile, Christina might be turning down a chance to work as Joaquin Phoenix’s personal assistant.
Idiot.
I mean...
Idiot.
Aside from all that, there is some discussion of my ability to give weight and meaning to a nonsense string of words.
We will see.
8:02 PM
The subject line is a lyric from the new Beck album. The song is called “1000 BPM” and sounds jangly in a way that only Beck can make jangly sound. Pianos skipping and stuttering while a White boy raps.
I don’t really have anything to talk about.
Ray got Binding Silence into the H. P. Lovecraft Film Festival in Oregon and I’m going with him and Lauren. According to Ray, I will be famous there; autographs and pictures and everything. Rowr. I think the experience will be good for my ego, I don’t have a very big one and this will provide some Ego Meat. The director of the festival called Ray personally and said he loved the film and that it was going to be included on a DVD anthology of H. P. Lovecraft-esque films. Volume five or six of the anthology, Ray thinks. I will be in people’s houses…eating their brains…from the inside.
Meanwhile, Christina might be turning down a chance to work as Joaquin Phoenix’s personal assistant.
Idiot.
I mean...
Idiot.
Aside from all that, there is some discussion of my ability to give weight and meaning to a nonsense string of words.
We will see.
9.07.2006
Socko!
9.7.06
3:43 PM
This morning and all throughout the day I have felt like scribbles. For the rest of the day I am going to try to be still and unfocused.
There are tentative plans for another “MET for Sex” party, it might be titled “Take Your MoMA”.
Details will be forthcoming.
********************************
I just finished watching "Ultraviolet". 85% bad CGI and 15% bad everything else. The movie features a collection of badly done Matrix cliche fight scenes and an unexplained (but that's okay because you don't want to have it explained) and uninspired plot all culminating in a flaming sword fight (the swords are actually on fire) that made me wish all my eye surgeries had failed. Don't wipe your ass with this one, it will make your ass smell worse.
3:43 PM
This morning and all throughout the day I have felt like scribbles. For the rest of the day I am going to try to be still and unfocused.
There are tentative plans for another “MET for Sex” party, it might be titled “Take Your MoMA”.
Details will be forthcoming.
********************************
I just finished watching "Ultraviolet". 85% bad CGI and 15% bad everything else. The movie features a collection of badly done Matrix cliche fight scenes and an unexplained (but that's okay because you don't want to have it explained) and uninspired plot all culminating in a flaming sword fight (the swords are actually on fire) that made me wish all my eye surgeries had failed. Don't wipe your ass with this one, it will make your ass smell worse.
9.06.2006
Bacardi xmax.
9.6.06
4:35 PM
While yesterday was not a good day, today was. Or is. Whatever.
The main reason is because I got an e-mail from Luigi Felotico, who worked on the Bacardi thing with me. He sent a link to a European website that catalogs commercials…Bacardi commercials.
The version up there is the tiny 30 second version, and, as far as I know at the moment, the only version. I called the production house and asked them about getting a copy and if there were any other releaseable versions. They said they had to check but that a copy (of the 30 sec. one) is on the way.
Now, I was pretty hush hush about this for some reason or other that I have forgotten, but I might have mentioned that there were three or four endings shot, two of which featured me heavily. They have chosen one of those two endings for this version.
Now, at this point, I know virtually nothing about the coverage of this spot, where or when or even if it will be shown. All I know is that it is apparently going to be huge and I cannot believe they would only have that 30 second version. Then again, I know almost nothing about it. As soon as I do, I will share it.
Here is the link. Click on the broadband version.
4:35 PM
While yesterday was not a good day, today was. Or is. Whatever.
The main reason is because I got an e-mail from Luigi Felotico, who worked on the Bacardi thing with me. He sent a link to a European website that catalogs commercials…Bacardi commercials.
The version up there is the tiny 30 second version, and, as far as I know at the moment, the only version. I called the production house and asked them about getting a copy and if there were any other releaseable versions. They said they had to check but that a copy (of the 30 sec. one) is on the way.
Now, I was pretty hush hush about this for some reason or other that I have forgotten, but I might have mentioned that there were three or four endings shot, two of which featured me heavily. They have chosen one of those two endings for this version.
Now, at this point, I know virtually nothing about the coverage of this spot, where or when or even if it will be shown. All I know is that it is apparently going to be huge and I cannot believe they would only have that 30 second version. Then again, I know almost nothing about it. As soon as I do, I will share it.
Here is the link. Click on the broadband version.
8.30.2006
Joanne, in Admissions.
8.30.06
3:08 PM
You know those petulant, sharp faces that peer at you from advertisements for clothing and products that you will never be able to afford? Well I met them today.
I had an audition at House (the production house on the absolute Western edge of Manhattan) and, at the same time, they were holding some sort of model audition. People, it was sexy/creepy. I felt like I was 6’1 and in a beautiful porno. It was a good way to start Wednesday.
After I got home I watched Le Samourai, a French film about an assassin that follows the code of Bushido. It was interesting to see an assassin movie without huge special effects or Sylvester Stallone. Not the best assassin movie I’ve ever seen, but it was good.
Aside from all this, I am feeling rumpled today. I’d like to be in a soundproof room without windows right now and not at this broken down Hospital populated by overloud stereotypes.
Why must stereotypes be so loud? That is a puzzler. Maybe they think that if they’re loud, people will think they are real and not just annoying shadows of the Real. If they think at all that is. Maybe there is some sort of hive mind. Like squirrels. Loud, stupid squirrels.
I wrote a song the other day. Usually when I do that, it remains at 4% completion: written but nothing else. This one reached at least 10% before I gave up on it. I have the melody for the first four lines and a few demos recorded of different ways to go about it. It might go further, it might not. On the upside, it is very easy to get a myspace musicians page.
Who knows.
May the grace of God deliver me from my enemies.
3:08 PM
You know those petulant, sharp faces that peer at you from advertisements for clothing and products that you will never be able to afford? Well I met them today.
I had an audition at House (the production house on the absolute Western edge of Manhattan) and, at the same time, they were holding some sort of model audition. People, it was sexy/creepy. I felt like I was 6’1 and in a beautiful porno. It was a good way to start Wednesday.
After I got home I watched Le Samourai, a French film about an assassin that follows the code of Bushido. It was interesting to see an assassin movie without huge special effects or Sylvester Stallone. Not the best assassin movie I’ve ever seen, but it was good.
Aside from all this, I am feeling rumpled today. I’d like to be in a soundproof room without windows right now and not at this broken down Hospital populated by overloud stereotypes.
Why must stereotypes be so loud? That is a puzzler. Maybe they think that if they’re loud, people will think they are real and not just annoying shadows of the Real. If they think at all that is. Maybe there is some sort of hive mind. Like squirrels. Loud, stupid squirrels.
I wrote a song the other day. Usually when I do that, it remains at 4% completion: written but nothing else. This one reached at least 10% before I gave up on it. I have the melody for the first four lines and a few demos recorded of different ways to go about it. It might go further, it might not. On the upside, it is very easy to get a myspace musicians page.
Who knows.
May the grace of God deliver me from my enemies.
8.28.2006
Jodie Foster will kill the President for me.
8.28.06
4:01 PM
What an interesting weekend. Saturday started with me at Ray’s to record some very badly written voiceover for some shitty product called TagAlert. Ray and I ended up rewriting most of it. After that was Lauren’s Birthday Extravaganza. It started with dinner in the Rape Zone at a place called The Park. During dinner, Angelica (who is a third year med student) told me about a 395 pound illegal immigrant woman whose surgery she had to assist with. Now, we’ve all seen doctor movies where people assist with surgery by handing people things, wiping sweat off people’s brows etc, for this particular surgery, Ange had to be a human brace for this woman’s fat rolls. This consisted of her throwing her body over the bulk of this leviathan and using HER WHOLE BODY to hold the rolls back. The surgeon planned to remove a 25 pound, 2 foot long, 6 inch thick strip of fat from this woman’s midsection because that would give her enough mobility to (hopefully) start exercising and lose some weight. Anyway, the doctor that performed the surgery had a pretty sick sense of humor. He was overheard saying things like, “Naw, she’s too skinny for me”, “I would totally hit that” and other colorful phrases. At the end of the 8 hour procedure, the presiding surgeon told the nurses to get a baby scale because he wanted to know how much he had removed. At that point, he HEAVED the 25 pound carpet of fat at the assisting surgeon and said, “That’s your girlfriend.” After this 8 hour period pressed against this open tub of guts, she was covered in blood and fat, and then, had to push an old Black man’s anus back into his rectum. This all happen in one 26 hour shift. A post script I must add: three weeks later, the woman (who was supposed to come back every three days for check ups) returned with a massive infection and Ange had to assist to removal of several more pounds of infected tissue, fat and pus from this woman’s stomach.
After she told me this story, I immediately ordered a crème brule and said I wanted to be a doctor. She informed me that I don’t. I paused, thought about it and decided she was right, I didn’t want to be a doctor, I wanted to recount her doctor stories to everyone I know.
And I will.
Once dinner ended, Lauren demanded we go to Red Rocks since Ange and I had ruined her dessert (it was an apple cobbler that began to look a lot like infected tissue, fat and pus once Ange’s story continued…). I was told it was a biker bar without bikers.
Hm, I thought, hm.
Inside we saw scantily clad biker bitch bartenders doing strange things with dildo guns. The less said the better.
Now, concurrent with these events, Christina was at the wrap party for the movie she has been working on. It was happening in Pressure, a club right above Bowlmore Lanes…where the third phase of Lauren’s Birthday Extravaganza was to take place. Once we arrived at the bowling alley, I was informed that it would be a 45 minute wait for a lane. I decided to meet Chris at the party. She escorted me in, offered me champagne, caviar, and anything I wanted from the lobster, meat or sundae bars. I was impressed…a little. The first thing I noticed was the Karaoke.
Now, I don’t do Karaoke. I don’t do Karaoke because I can’t sing very well and because I can’t see the huge fucking screen with the lyrics. I have done it twice before in my life, (both times with songs I knew by heart) sober on MTV’s Say What? Karaoke (Eminem’s “My Name Is”) and drunk at Heather DuChame’s graduation party (Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”). I don’t know why I wanted to do it now, maybe because Chris seemed a bit bored/isolated at the party, maybe because I thought the people up there sucked or maybe because I didn’t know any of these people and Chris was never going to see them again after this week so I figured I would blow their minds a little and give them a glimpse of the Paulitosphere. Whatever the case, Christina was VERY uncomfortable about the idea of me getting up and doing Karaoke by myself. I mean, she knows maybe a dozen people on this film and I ‘m her guest, you know? So I suggested we sing something together. After a quick perusal of their selection, we noticed that it sucked…then we found “Take Your Mama” by the Scissor Sisters.
Long story short…we quickly gained the approval of the audience and were told we had to go back up. After deciding upon “Time Warp” from Rocky Horror, we did. After that performance (which Jodie Foster witnessed in a state comprised half of trepidation and half of sheer, animalistic lust) we left the stage, never to return again…or did we? Again we were told to return to the stage and we closed our mndfucking set with the Beatles’ “Twist and Shout”. I screamed a lot.
Other highlights from that evening included seeing Jodie Foster’s drunken stunt double (as in her stunt double was drunk, not the stunt double used specifically for when Jodie Foster’s character is drunk…) sing “My Sherona”, seeing two people from the locations department sing “Fuck Her Gently”, scaring Jodie Foster away after “Time Warp” (she was going to sing right after us and backed down but came back a song later and did “Break Another Little Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin with a Cosmopolitan in her hand. It was adorable.), finding out that all the Karaoke was being shown on huge projection screens all over the party and, finally, hearing Neil Jordan’s wife say she was going to contact the Coen Brothers to do a movie about us. That last one is a direct quote and, I think, the coolest fucking compliment I have ever received. Also, the Shirley Temples were excellent.
Sunday was spent recuperating, brunching with Chris and Kelly and watching “Mulholland Drive”. Afterwards, Chris blew the whole mystery open for us and now I love her even more.
This was one for the books, folks.
One for the Sexy Good Weekend books.
4:01 PM
What an interesting weekend. Saturday started with me at Ray’s to record some very badly written voiceover for some shitty product called TagAlert. Ray and I ended up rewriting most of it. After that was Lauren’s Birthday Extravaganza. It started with dinner in the Rape Zone at a place called The Park. During dinner, Angelica (who is a third year med student) told me about a 395 pound illegal immigrant woman whose surgery she had to assist with. Now, we’ve all seen doctor movies where people assist with surgery by handing people things, wiping sweat off people’s brows etc, for this particular surgery, Ange had to be a human brace for this woman’s fat rolls. This consisted of her throwing her body over the bulk of this leviathan and using HER WHOLE BODY to hold the rolls back. The surgeon planned to remove a 25 pound, 2 foot long, 6 inch thick strip of fat from this woman’s midsection because that would give her enough mobility to (hopefully) start exercising and lose some weight. Anyway, the doctor that performed the surgery had a pretty sick sense of humor. He was overheard saying things like, “Naw, she’s too skinny for me”, “I would totally hit that” and other colorful phrases. At the end of the 8 hour procedure, the presiding surgeon told the nurses to get a baby scale because he wanted to know how much he had removed. At that point, he HEAVED the 25 pound carpet of fat at the assisting surgeon and said, “That’s your girlfriend.” After this 8 hour period pressed against this open tub of guts, she was covered in blood and fat, and then, had to push an old Black man’s anus back into his rectum. This all happen in one 26 hour shift. A post script I must add: three weeks later, the woman (who was supposed to come back every three days for check ups) returned with a massive infection and Ange had to assist to removal of several more pounds of infected tissue, fat and pus from this woman’s stomach.
After she told me this story, I immediately ordered a crème brule and said I wanted to be a doctor. She informed me that I don’t. I paused, thought about it and decided she was right, I didn’t want to be a doctor, I wanted to recount her doctor stories to everyone I know.
And I will.
Once dinner ended, Lauren demanded we go to Red Rocks since Ange and I had ruined her dessert (it was an apple cobbler that began to look a lot like infected tissue, fat and pus once Ange’s story continued…). I was told it was a biker bar without bikers.
Hm, I thought, hm.
Inside we saw scantily clad biker bitch bartenders doing strange things with dildo guns. The less said the better.
Now, concurrent with these events, Christina was at the wrap party for the movie she has been working on. It was happening in Pressure, a club right above Bowlmore Lanes…where the third phase of Lauren’s Birthday Extravaganza was to take place. Once we arrived at the bowling alley, I was informed that it would be a 45 minute wait for a lane. I decided to meet Chris at the party. She escorted me in, offered me champagne, caviar, and anything I wanted from the lobster, meat or sundae bars. I was impressed…a little. The first thing I noticed was the Karaoke.
Now, I don’t do Karaoke. I don’t do Karaoke because I can’t sing very well and because I can’t see the huge fucking screen with the lyrics. I have done it twice before in my life, (both times with songs I knew by heart) sober on MTV’s Say What? Karaoke (Eminem’s “My Name Is”) and drunk at Heather DuChame’s graduation party (Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody”). I don’t know why I wanted to do it now, maybe because Chris seemed a bit bored/isolated at the party, maybe because I thought the people up there sucked or maybe because I didn’t know any of these people and Chris was never going to see them again after this week so I figured I would blow their minds a little and give them a glimpse of the Paulitosphere. Whatever the case, Christina was VERY uncomfortable about the idea of me getting up and doing Karaoke by myself. I mean, she knows maybe a dozen people on this film and I ‘m her guest, you know? So I suggested we sing something together. After a quick perusal of their selection, we noticed that it sucked…then we found “Take Your Mama” by the Scissor Sisters.
Long story short…we quickly gained the approval of the audience and were told we had to go back up. After deciding upon “Time Warp” from Rocky Horror, we did. After that performance (which Jodie Foster witnessed in a state comprised half of trepidation and half of sheer, animalistic lust) we left the stage, never to return again…or did we? Again we were told to return to the stage and we closed our mndfucking set with the Beatles’ “Twist and Shout”. I screamed a lot.
Other highlights from that evening included seeing Jodie Foster’s drunken stunt double (as in her stunt double was drunk, not the stunt double used specifically for when Jodie Foster’s character is drunk…) sing “My Sherona”, seeing two people from the locations department sing “Fuck Her Gently”, scaring Jodie Foster away after “Time Warp” (she was going to sing right after us and backed down but came back a song later and did “Break Another Little Piece of My Heart” by Janis Joplin with a Cosmopolitan in her hand. It was adorable.), finding out that all the Karaoke was being shown on huge projection screens all over the party and, finally, hearing Neil Jordan’s wife say she was going to contact the Coen Brothers to do a movie about us. That last one is a direct quote and, I think, the coolest fucking compliment I have ever received. Also, the Shirley Temples were excellent.
Sunday was spent recuperating, brunching with Chris and Kelly and watching “Mulholland Drive”. Afterwards, Chris blew the whole mystery open for us and now I love her even more.
This was one for the books, folks.
One for the Sexy Good Weekend books.
8.25.2006
Like a handjob for a cancer patient...
Not really, but I've had that one in there all day.
Had a bad day folks. Spent most of my time at work with the phone off and the switchboard on mute.
Cut myself a bit. The Nextel thing was released so I figured I'd release some blood as a fair trade. Haven't done THAT since, like 7th grade. I will say there was a sense of relief though. Wonder why that is? I should ask a psychologist.
I am about to eat Chinese food (steamed dumplings and chicken fried rice) and watch some mindless movie.
I will then go to bed.
Had a bad day folks. Spent most of my time at work with the phone off and the switchboard on mute.
Cut myself a bit. The Nextel thing was released so I figured I'd release some blood as a fair trade. Haven't done THAT since, like 7th grade. I will say there was a sense of relief though. Wonder why that is? I should ask a psychologist.
I am about to eat Chinese food (steamed dumplings and chicken fried rice) and watch some mindless movie.
I will then go to bed.
8.21.2006
I have no patient here by that name.
8.21.06
9:39 PM
Excellent dance with creativity today. Lisa, Becca, Kelly and I thought up an idea of Friday and I’ve been fleshing it out since. Ray is going to shoot and edit the project and anyone who is interested is welcome to be a part of it. I think that Alan, Gia and Mel would work well on this. Anyway, I just finished the first/final draft (depending on what we think of it) and I’m going to send it out tonight.
Sunday was a looong day. Chris and I woke and took a train to New Haven, Connecticut to meet up with Will, Megan and Drew…to see what will soon be dubbed the biggest grossing movie of all time…Snakes On A Plane.
It is everything the title promises. It is gold and silver and diamonds.
See it or be lost.
After that I had some pizza that made me ejaculate and then Will drove us back towards NYC although we had to get out on 171st street and Webster in the Bronx. I felt the bullets aimed at me. Then I watched the William Shatner roast on Comedy Central at Alan’s. Character assassination xmax.
I think that’s all for right now.
On the other side of the room I am hearing the laziest of the lazy security guards standing in the office talking about how they should get more for doing less. I completely agree with the concept, just not for these assholes. They sound like little girls who have dropped their ice creams on the ground and want mommy to buy them more just because. Jesus. I wish the Mafia would swing by and drop some Hoffa on these pussies.
Anyway, yeah.
Hm. Interesting. Gia just called. She is watching Rocky in Bryant Park, drunk and willing to participate in The Modern Actor’s Guide To Auditioning Or What Never to Do If You Want To Be A Successful Actor (that’s the title of our magnum opus). Magnum, baby. Magnum opus inflagrante delecto xmax.
Opus.
Exit.
9:39 PM
Excellent dance with creativity today. Lisa, Becca, Kelly and I thought up an idea of Friday and I’ve been fleshing it out since. Ray is going to shoot and edit the project and anyone who is interested is welcome to be a part of it. I think that Alan, Gia and Mel would work well on this. Anyway, I just finished the first/final draft (depending on what we think of it) and I’m going to send it out tonight.
Sunday was a looong day. Chris and I woke and took a train to New Haven, Connecticut to meet up with Will, Megan and Drew…to see what will soon be dubbed the biggest grossing movie of all time…Snakes On A Plane.
It is everything the title promises. It is gold and silver and diamonds.
See it or be lost.
After that I had some pizza that made me ejaculate and then Will drove us back towards NYC although we had to get out on 171st street and Webster in the Bronx. I felt the bullets aimed at me. Then I watched the William Shatner roast on Comedy Central at Alan’s. Character assassination xmax.
I think that’s all for right now.
On the other side of the room I am hearing the laziest of the lazy security guards standing in the office talking about how they should get more for doing less. I completely agree with the concept, just not for these assholes. They sound like little girls who have dropped their ice creams on the ground and want mommy to buy them more just because. Jesus. I wish the Mafia would swing by and drop some Hoffa on these pussies.
Anyway, yeah.
Hm. Interesting. Gia just called. She is watching Rocky in Bryant Park, drunk and willing to participate in The Modern Actor’s Guide To Auditioning Or What Never to Do If You Want To Be A Successful Actor (that’s the title of our magnum opus). Magnum, baby. Magnum opus inflagrante delecto xmax.
Opus.
Exit.
8.17.2006
Sharon Stone is a bad actress.
8.17.06
8:07 PM
First off, Vault makes your teeth FUZZY with sugar. If you don’t brush within a few hours of consuming it, you will lose them forever. That stuff has enough sugar in it to power a 10-year old.
Next, I just ordered sushi. I. Ordered sushi.
World be comin’ to an end.
Today, I am tired. I awoke at 10 after a mere 6 hour respite in order to attend an audition for the Nextel Company. I shone as only the brightest star in the sky can and hopefully, they will see that and pay me a lot of money to do very little. Hopefully.
Tomorrow (since I am out of work at 7 rather than 11) I am going to bring Jacob’s Ladder over to Lisa’s and we (a whole bunch of ‘we’, I think) are going to watch it. What do you think of that? Ha. Stick that in your hat.
I am also a bit peeved because I had a good idea and now it is gone. Fucking hate that.
8:58 PM
Yum yum. Had a truly enjoyable sushi experience. California Rolls and Spicy Tuna Rolls xmax. Plus some nummy num num miso soup. They also gave me two fortune cookies.
I feel like Ice Cube.
8:07 PM
First off, Vault makes your teeth FUZZY with sugar. If you don’t brush within a few hours of consuming it, you will lose them forever. That stuff has enough sugar in it to power a 10-year old.
Next, I just ordered sushi. I. Ordered sushi.
World be comin’ to an end.
Today, I am tired. I awoke at 10 after a mere 6 hour respite in order to attend an audition for the Nextel Company. I shone as only the brightest star in the sky can and hopefully, they will see that and pay me a lot of money to do very little. Hopefully.
Tomorrow (since I am out of work at 7 rather than 11) I am going to bring Jacob’s Ladder over to Lisa’s and we (a whole bunch of ‘we’, I think) are going to watch it. What do you think of that? Ha. Stick that in your hat.
I am also a bit peeved because I had a good idea and now it is gone. Fucking hate that.
8:58 PM
Yum yum. Had a truly enjoyable sushi experience. California Rolls and Spicy Tuna Rolls xmax. Plus some nummy num num miso soup. They also gave me two fortune cookies.
I feel like Ice Cube.
8.16.2006
Coming to you, 1,000 beats per minute...
8.16.06
5:16 PM
In early 1997, the Coca-Cola Company released a new caffeine charged soft drink called Surge. It was the green of a cirrhosis patient’s piss and tasted like rotten fruit infused with ultrasugar.
I drank it like babies drink breast milk.
(For some reason or other) I stopped drinking it for a short period of time. After that period was over, I picked up a can, opened it and drank deep of the poison sweet within.
I never drank Surge again…until today.
Yesterday I picked up the 8th season of the Simpsons on DVD (my favorite season) and doing so spurred me to contact an old friend from high school, Sunir Joshi.
Hang on, that’s not fair.
Sunir and I were. It’s hard to describe and grasp. We just were. And now, like before, we just is. We just is SuPaul, we just is on this Web, still wondering who the Spider REALLY is (it might be Mr. Snow, but no one can really know for sure…), we just is not allowed to be in the same room as Phil and Will or everything will just not be.
He is about to become a doctor (Infant rape counselor, transsexual anal gynecologist, something along those lines) and that is more frightening than the idea of me babysitting visually impaired, pre-adolescent albino Negroes…..wait…
So we spoke for a bit yesterday and he told me that there is a new Coca-Cola “energy drink” out called Vault and that it reminded him of me as soon as he tried it. He told me to find some and find some I did. Ladies and gentlemen, Surge has returned Granted it is now called Vault and being marketed as an energy drink, but it’s Surge. It even comes in the same green bottle with the same black cap it used to. Those bastards. Filthy dog-fucking whoresons. I have promised not to play their game, but as I type this manifesto of rebellion, I am searching for a vein in which to stick the IV.
Hm.
Just kidding, this shit tastes worse than Surge. I don’t know if they altered the formula a bit or if it’s just what Surge tasted like all along. Yeech.
Changing the subject.
The plans for this weekend have been altered. I am joining Will, Will’s Ladyfriend Megan (maybe there’s an “h” in there, I don’t know but she strongly resembles Jessica Alba so does it really matter?) and Will’s brother, Dr. Drew, in New Haven, Connecticut for the best pizza in the galaxy (this is what Will has actually been working on since he graduated Harvard), something called a “double-fried donut” (which, if it’s anything like chicken-fried steak, I will have lots of and then experience chest pains and osmotic diarrhea) and a documentary about the increased number of reptiles in the field of aviation. It’s a think piece.
True, I won’t be able to see it with Bob Franklin, but maybe he and I can just hit a titty bar next time I go to D.C.
I bet he abuses strippers. It probably all starts out with him using his fame to get the best looking ones and then he jokingly grabs their throat, putting them on guard, but then he smiles his disarming, I-tamed-Madonna-with-this-smile smile and all is forgiven…until he pins their arms behind their head and then finishes the job. He’s probably got dozens of people to clean up his trail of dead prostitutes…
What price, fame?
Also caught the new Scissor Sisters video today. Funky, scary and fagtastic like all their stuff even though the song is a bit of a letdown when compared to their other singles.
And I have been a bad little consumer recently but, fuck, if I’m going to be dead before I’m 32, I am going to use the money I’ve accumulated over my time here. Seriously, what’s eight DVD’s in the grand scheme of things? Carpe diem! Memento mori! Vichyssoise! VICHYSSOISE!!!
S E G U E
Beck has put out quite a lot of his new album by either putting up tracks on his website or putting the videos (the album comes with a DVD containing videos for each of the 15 tracks) on his myspace page. The overall sound is funk like skunk, baby. There is a lot of his other albums’ sound on this one and I am just fine with that. He also seems to have done a lot of “rapping”. I call it “rapping” because it isn’t as idiotic as a lot of rappers out there rapping today. I should probably call it “talking fast with a set meter”. Yeah, there is a lot of talking fast with a set meter and it is blistering. After listening to some of these bits (the talking fast in a set meter bits) I hearken back to something Beck said about his relationship with lyrics in his music. He said something along the lines of the lyrics being the most and least important thing in his music. From anyone else that would sound conceited or stoned, but Beck not only professes it, he proves it. In fact, he fucking LIVES it. I mean, Midnite Vultures makes hardly a lick of sense, but it fits together like Tetris.
Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the Soviet embassy?
I saw “Capote” the other day.
Laughed my ass off.
I have a feeling that the length and…diffusion (?) of this entry might possibly in the slightest fashion be because of this foul green ichor I have introduced to my unsuspecting body.
Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy Vault from off my wang.
Like a chicken egg to the Gnome King…poison.
8:28 PM
Goodness gracious it has hit me!! Energy drink Xmax!!! Begin the procedure! Hit me with your rhythm stick and sew up the wounds will rain clouds.
I have the inside in my mouth and the dancers are all upstairs except for Joe who is renting the cabin on the third floor (beware the dripping faucet) and dodging the hair attacks when the loon coo coos at 6:35PM. Bad mojo, man. The baddest. Only you can prevent me from preventing forest fires and I ask politely that you don’t. Just let me be. Let me be.
Christ on horses my hands are shaking almost too much for me to communicate to you and the world just how FUCKED UP THIS DRINK IS!!!! IF WE FEED IT TO THE BABIES, THEY WILL DIE OF ANOREXIA AND OTHER DISEASES WITH "X"s IN THEM!!!!
THE
PHONE
IS
RING
It stopped.
IT FUCKING STOPPED!! GLORY BE THE PHONE IS RUNG OUT!
Leaping Jesus it’s like my brain is moving faster than my fingers. If only I had smarter fingers. They would know what to do. They would call someone in charge and report this heinous violation of finger policy. I could lose my finging license for this infraction. Back to the beginning!!! Cigarette smoke! This room smells like cigarette smoke and I can’t do a thing about it. Fire the cannons! YES! I sank your battleship and now I will sink your dream boat. Bam. Sweet, sweet candy. Bam. Touch it!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chasing my thoughts down like Elmer Fudd.
Wow.
Okay.
Calm down.
I just took a few breaths of this nasty air (armpits…FOUL armpits) and it seems to have worked. I don’t know if this stuff it affecting me this way because I have only had a bowl of cereal today or because there is a lot of “energy” in the drink. Either way my tongue feels scummy. I plan not to drink this piddle again, even though this was a fun little waste of time. My food should be arriving soon and everything will stop blurring then…I hope.
Pray for my blood sugar.
5:16 PM
In early 1997, the Coca-Cola Company released a new caffeine charged soft drink called Surge. It was the green of a cirrhosis patient’s piss and tasted like rotten fruit infused with ultrasugar.
I drank it like babies drink breast milk.
(For some reason or other) I stopped drinking it for a short period of time. After that period was over, I picked up a can, opened it and drank deep of the poison sweet within.
I never drank Surge again…until today.
Yesterday I picked up the 8th season of the Simpsons on DVD (my favorite season) and doing so spurred me to contact an old friend from high school, Sunir Joshi.
Hang on, that’s not fair.
Sunir and I were. It’s hard to describe and grasp. We just were. And now, like before, we just is. We just is SuPaul, we just is on this Web, still wondering who the Spider REALLY is (it might be Mr. Snow, but no one can really know for sure…), we just is not allowed to be in the same room as Phil and Will or everything will just not be.
He is about to become a doctor (Infant rape counselor, transsexual anal gynecologist, something along those lines) and that is more frightening than the idea of me babysitting visually impaired, pre-adolescent albino Negroes…..wait…
So we spoke for a bit yesterday and he told me that there is a new Coca-Cola “energy drink” out called Vault and that it reminded him of me as soon as he tried it. He told me to find some and find some I did. Ladies and gentlemen, Surge has returned Granted it is now called Vault and being marketed as an energy drink, but it’s Surge. It even comes in the same green bottle with the same black cap it used to. Those bastards. Filthy dog-fucking whoresons. I have promised not to play their game, but as I type this manifesto of rebellion, I am searching for a vein in which to stick the IV.
Hm.
Just kidding, this shit tastes worse than Surge. I don’t know if they altered the formula a bit or if it’s just what Surge tasted like all along. Yeech.
Changing the subject.
The plans for this weekend have been altered. I am joining Will, Will’s Ladyfriend Megan (maybe there’s an “h” in there, I don’t know but she strongly resembles Jessica Alba so does it really matter?) and Will’s brother, Dr. Drew, in New Haven, Connecticut for the best pizza in the galaxy (this is what Will has actually been working on since he graduated Harvard), something called a “double-fried donut” (which, if it’s anything like chicken-fried steak, I will have lots of and then experience chest pains and osmotic diarrhea) and a documentary about the increased number of reptiles in the field of aviation. It’s a think piece.
True, I won’t be able to see it with Bob Franklin, but maybe he and I can just hit a titty bar next time I go to D.C.
I bet he abuses strippers. It probably all starts out with him using his fame to get the best looking ones and then he jokingly grabs their throat, putting them on guard, but then he smiles his disarming, I-tamed-Madonna-with-this-smile smile and all is forgiven…until he pins their arms behind their head and then finishes the job. He’s probably got dozens of people to clean up his trail of dead prostitutes…
What price, fame?
Also caught the new Scissor Sisters video today. Funky, scary and fagtastic like all their stuff even though the song is a bit of a letdown when compared to their other singles.
And I have been a bad little consumer recently but, fuck, if I’m going to be dead before I’m 32, I am going to use the money I’ve accumulated over my time here. Seriously, what’s eight DVD’s in the grand scheme of things? Carpe diem! Memento mori! Vichyssoise! VICHYSSOISE!!!
S E G U E
Beck has put out quite a lot of his new album by either putting up tracks on his website or putting the videos (the album comes with a DVD containing videos for each of the 15 tracks) on his myspace page. The overall sound is funk like skunk, baby. There is a lot of his other albums’ sound on this one and I am just fine with that. He also seems to have done a lot of “rapping”. I call it “rapping” because it isn’t as idiotic as a lot of rappers out there rapping today. I should probably call it “talking fast with a set meter”. Yeah, there is a lot of talking fast with a set meter and it is blistering. After listening to some of these bits (the talking fast in a set meter bits) I hearken back to something Beck said about his relationship with lyrics in his music. He said something along the lines of the lyrics being the most and least important thing in his music. From anyone else that would sound conceited or stoned, but Beck not only professes it, he proves it. In fact, he fucking LIVES it. I mean, Midnite Vultures makes hardly a lick of sense, but it fits together like Tetris.
Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the Soviet embassy?
I saw “Capote” the other day.
Laughed my ass off.
I have a feeling that the length and…diffusion (?) of this entry might possibly in the slightest fashion be because of this foul green ichor I have introduced to my unsuspecting body.
Take thy beak from out my heart and take thy Vault from off my wang.
Like a chicken egg to the Gnome King…poison.
8:28 PM
Goodness gracious it has hit me!! Energy drink Xmax!!! Begin the procedure! Hit me with your rhythm stick and sew up the wounds will rain clouds.
I have the inside in my mouth and the dancers are all upstairs except for Joe who is renting the cabin on the third floor (beware the dripping faucet) and dodging the hair attacks when the loon coo coos at 6:35PM. Bad mojo, man. The baddest. Only you can prevent me from preventing forest fires and I ask politely that you don’t. Just let me be. Let me be.
Christ on horses my hands are shaking almost too much for me to communicate to you and the world just how FUCKED UP THIS DRINK IS!!!! IF WE FEED IT TO THE BABIES, THEY WILL DIE OF ANOREXIA AND OTHER DISEASES WITH "X"s IN THEM!!!!
THE
PHONE
IS
RING
It stopped.
IT FUCKING STOPPED!! GLORY BE THE PHONE IS RUNG OUT!
Leaping Jesus it’s like my brain is moving faster than my fingers. If only I had smarter fingers. They would know what to do. They would call someone in charge and report this heinous violation of finger policy. I could lose my finging license for this infraction. Back to the beginning!!! Cigarette smoke! This room smells like cigarette smoke and I can’t do a thing about it. Fire the cannons! YES! I sank your battleship and now I will sink your dream boat. Bam. Sweet, sweet candy. Bam. Touch it!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Chasing my thoughts down like Elmer Fudd.
Wow.
Okay.
Calm down.
I just took a few breaths of this nasty air (armpits…FOUL armpits) and it seems to have worked. I don’t know if this stuff it affecting me this way because I have only had a bowl of cereal today or because there is a lot of “energy” in the drink. Either way my tongue feels scummy. I plan not to drink this piddle again, even though this was a fun little waste of time. My food should be arriving soon and everything will stop blurring then…I hope.
Pray for my blood sugar.
8.14.2006
A shoggoth says what?
8.14.06
3:35 PM
So, there is a severe lack of communication here at my job. The patients are old and Hispanic (mostly), the nurses are lazy and Haitian (mostly) and I am drunk and American (xmax). There is less of a “language barrier” thing and more of a “Tower of Babel on fire” thing going on. The patient is yelling something in Spanish and calls me, I call the nurse and they go to the patient, trying to soothe them by speaking Creole and, eventually, everything is all fucked up, linguistically speaking.
Anyway, one of the terrible aspects of my job is answering the phone and hearing “Skel bwa Ghana kelp hupy hooman resauces” because I know that that person will be interviewed, given a job and will one day end up on the other end of the phone with me trying their damnedest to impart a very important piece of information, something that might be the difference between a patient being DNR and NOT being DNR and then someone will die. I assume that the person hiring all these non and semiglots is either deaf or has a great sense of humor; whichever one it is, it falls to me to talk with them eventually and then I get depressed. I get depressed because I know that if I had simply hung up when I heard someone gargling with mud and then saying “hooman resauces”, I could have maybe saved a persons life.
You see? Communication saves lives.
Also, the new Beck album, “The Information”, is coming out October 2nd.
Whooty hoo.
3:35 PM
So, there is a severe lack of communication here at my job. The patients are old and Hispanic (mostly), the nurses are lazy and Haitian (mostly) and I am drunk and American (xmax). There is less of a “language barrier” thing and more of a “Tower of Babel on fire” thing going on. The patient is yelling something in Spanish and calls me, I call the nurse and they go to the patient, trying to soothe them by speaking Creole and, eventually, everything is all fucked up, linguistically speaking.
Anyway, one of the terrible aspects of my job is answering the phone and hearing “Skel bwa Ghana kelp hupy hooman resauces” because I know that that person will be interviewed, given a job and will one day end up on the other end of the phone with me trying their damnedest to impart a very important piece of information, something that might be the difference between a patient being DNR and NOT being DNR and then someone will die. I assume that the person hiring all these non and semiglots is either deaf or has a great sense of humor; whichever one it is, it falls to me to talk with them eventually and then I get depressed. I get depressed because I know that if I had simply hung up when I heard someone gargling with mud and then saying “hooman resauces”, I could have maybe saved a persons life.
You see? Communication saves lives.
Also, the new Beck album, “The Information”, is coming out October 2nd.
Whooty hoo.
8.12.2006
8.11.2006
8.10.06
3:32 PM
So I’m bored and reading the Post, sorry the Daily News and there is a headline “Perv loner had long rap sheet”. Can you guess why my eye was drawn to the piece? The only thing better than the headline was the first sentence “The fiend arrested for allegedly terrorizing young girls in a Queens neighborhood is a creepy ex-con plumber who lived alone in a basement.” The rest of the article is rather dark but the headline and opener are brilliant. That is all.
3:32 PM
So I’m bored and reading the Post, sorry the Daily News and there is a headline “Perv loner had long rap sheet”. Can you guess why my eye was drawn to the piece? The only thing better than the headline was the first sentence “The fiend arrested for allegedly terrorizing young girls in a Queens neighborhood is a creepy ex-con plumber who lived alone in a basement.” The rest of the article is rather dark but the headline and opener are brilliant. That is all.
8.08.2006
Spetznaz-29
8.8.06
4:35 PM
Today might be the return of the two hour lunch breaks….
The other day I was on the train with my headphones and they were doing a great job of isolating me. Between songs, there was a silence and I heard the words “pedophile filed”. Obviously I stopped my music and listened on. There was a man stalking up and down my Subway car holding out a newspaper to people and talking about how this guy molested a four year old girl ands then sued someone for calling him a pedophile or something along those lines. He asking people to rip up the newspaper with the story in it, I think. He was mostly intelligible, but not entirely. Anyway, he seemed upset at the whole thing and I concur.
On an unrelated note, the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine, not Ass To Mouth) here smells like Bumper Cars.
I plan to eat Sesame Chicken for dinner. Mmmmm…
Oh, and all of my “Taken From Me” videos have been viewed. Nine of them have single digit view numbers, but “Love” (the one co-starring Pinky) has 1,006 since last Friday. I guess it’s true that the Internet loves a dildo.
9:50 PM
I think I’ve just eaten the worst Chinese food in my life. Usually, Happy Wok (my source for Happy Chinese fun) is 90 to 100% each and every tyime I order from them, but today? The sesame chicken was dry and crackly; utterly unsatisfying. I threw mostofit away. The egg roll was sub par and THAT is always an affront to God. The only somewhat redeeming element of this meal was something I had never tried before. It was called “sliced BBQ pork roast pork” according to the menu, and when I first removed it from the bag my heart stopped. Imagine getting the typical clear, plastic tub usually reserved for soup, and finding it filled with ichor. Then, upon closer examination, you notice things floating in the ichor. Strips of flesh and strings of tendon seeming to twitch whilst suspended in this liquid that could only have come from another dimension…probably from beyond the stars. I was trepidacious, but it tasted just fine and for four dollars you apparently get a whole pig, so I have some left over if anyone is interested in coming over and tasting my Lovecraft pork.
What an unsatisfying meal. My tummy tum demands recompense! Dues must be paid!! The dragon must be sated!!! FUCK DA POLEESE!!!!
4:35 PM
Today might be the return of the two hour lunch breaks….
The other day I was on the train with my headphones and they were doing a great job of isolating me. Between songs, there was a silence and I heard the words “pedophile filed”. Obviously I stopped my music and listened on. There was a man stalking up and down my Subway car holding out a newspaper to people and talking about how this guy molested a four year old girl ands then sued someone for calling him a pedophile or something along those lines. He asking people to rip up the newspaper with the story in it, I think. He was mostly intelligible, but not entirely. Anyway, he seemed upset at the whole thing and I concur.
On an unrelated note, the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine, not Ass To Mouth) here smells like Bumper Cars.
I plan to eat Sesame Chicken for dinner. Mmmmm…
Oh, and all of my “Taken From Me” videos have been viewed. Nine of them have single digit view numbers, but “Love” (the one co-starring Pinky) has 1,006 since last Friday. I guess it’s true that the Internet loves a dildo.
9:50 PM
I think I’ve just eaten the worst Chinese food in my life. Usually, Happy Wok (my source for Happy Chinese fun) is 90 to 100% each and every tyime I order from them, but today? The sesame chicken was dry and crackly; utterly unsatisfying. I threw mostofit away. The egg roll was sub par and THAT is always an affront to God. The only somewhat redeeming element of this meal was something I had never tried before. It was called “sliced BBQ pork roast pork” according to the menu, and when I first removed it from the bag my heart stopped. Imagine getting the typical clear, plastic tub usually reserved for soup, and finding it filled with ichor. Then, upon closer examination, you notice things floating in the ichor. Strips of flesh and strings of tendon seeming to twitch whilst suspended in this liquid that could only have come from another dimension…probably from beyond the stars. I was trepidacious, but it tasted just fine and for four dollars you apparently get a whole pig, so I have some left over if anyone is interested in coming over and tasting my Lovecraft pork.
What an unsatisfying meal. My tummy tum demands recompense! Dues must be paid!! The dragon must be sated!!! FUCK DA POLEESE!!!!
8.07.2006
Taken From Me
I present to you now, "Taken From Me", a ten-part video collection written by, directed by and starring myself. You can find it here on my youtube page. I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
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