A review of Coil's "Musick to Play in the Dark, Vol. 2"

Back into the darkness...

Balance saying the word "something" over and over and over? Not as fitting or dynamic an opening to this second volume as I would have expected*...or so I thought until an obsidian box opens and the howling ice ghosts from the first volume come streaming back in like the wind from the North Pole. Then, the voice of Balance tells us: "I know why the bird cage sings / it's wrapped its song round everything."
Touche, Coil...touche.
"Tiny Golden Books"** begins with a shimmering, broken melody. This is so much brighter than anything else we've heard on volume one. The track continues to develop with more (uncomfortable) light permeating the air in the form of uneasy pipes. Coil has done something pretty novel here; they've shown us that even light itself can be dark. A phrase that occurred to me was: pyramids of black light, submerged in dark water. Suddenly, a mangled voice barks something unintelligible, increasing the listeners feelings of unease; this isn't a safe place. Admittedly, the beat (which sounds like Sonic the Hedgehog 2 being played on the TARDIS) makes things a little less unsettling, but they remedy that real quick like when the frantic Decepticon starts dropping Biblical shit on us:

Dark they were, with golden eyes

Brought golden books from darkened skies

Every word from every world  within was written down

They read it all aloud to us with silver tongues of fire

That licked the sun and stars and moon

All space became a choir

Shining shining shining then they left without a sound

Then they left without a sound

Then they left without a sound

Say what you will, but these guys can write some angelic/bible/apocalypse shit like nobody's business.
Having spoken its prophecy, the robot angel takes flight, leaving us to ponder the meaning of its words and clean the shit out of our pants.

"Ether" sounds pretty much exactly like what you'd want a song called "Ether" to sound like: blurred, muddled, wavy, looping, impaired. After a bit, the sounds form a limping sort of beat and some cabaret piano gets thrown in for good measure. Balance's distorted, watery vocals join the chorus and he begins to tell us all about ether, both the anesthetizing liquid and the...uh...nothing. The lyrics are stream of consciousness almost, words and phrases that sound like each other are repeated with different emphasis, changing their meaning and impact ("it's either ether or the other", "it's what it's there for, for therefore"). There's a lot of great consonance and assonance here. This is a bit like the lyrical style Marilyn Manson has taken such a shine to on his last few albums, but done well.*** Overall, the feeling one gets from Balance in "Ether" is that of sorrow and not of menace. There's clearly something wrong with the speaker. Maybe because he's drinking the shit and not just huffing it. The song ends in a sufficiently creepy manner, with Balance's voice becoming slower and slower, repeating the phrase, "to turn my mind off", until it's little more than a drawn out slur of sound. They nailed it on this one.

Thus far, the darkness that pervaded volume one of Musick to Play in the Dark hasn't really been overwhelming present here, but on "Paranoid Inlay", there's a version of it. Here, it's almost campy or spooky as opposed to frightening or threatening; kind of "Scooby-Doo scary". The beat is tiny, like those on the majority of volume one and there's a harpsichord which is just perfect for the mood on this. The lyrics, if they were growled or snarled or braked, could be unsettling, but, with the music as it is and with Balance sounding more like Gavin Friday, the whole thing comes off as merely whimsical. Another really solid track.

I had one thought when I first heard "An Emergency": this is a mother looking for her child in a snow covered wood and finding it, dead. Aside from her cold and pleading voice, there is a creaking harmonium and nothing else. This is only about a minute long, but it's chilling.

The penultimate track, "Where Are You?" is connected to both the previous track and to the first track from volume one, "Are You Shivering?' both lyrically and sonically. Here, Balance takes on the role of the father of the aforementioned missing/runaway child, the medium hired to find it...or the child's killer; or, more likely, all three. He asks questions that are a bit too specific to just be questions and the tone of his voice is just sinister enough to raise suspicions, although he doesn't ham it up at all here; I've always found that a quiet and restrained Balance is more frightening and effective that a ranting, raving one. Musically, this has another tiny beat that almost sounds like Morse code. There is a repeated musical phrase played on either a muted piano or some gently plucked strings and it feels very Silent Hill, as does this whole song. The world created between these two albums would fit perfectly into the Silent Hill mythos.
"Are you bathing in moonlight or drowned on a beach?"
"Have your wounds grown wings? Are you feasting on fears?"
"I can see your dark corona is eating into you"
"I'll wrap my last kiss in a bandage"
God damn.

The final track on Musick to Play in the Dark, Vol. 2 is just a flat out masterpiece. "Batwings (A Liminal**** Hymn)" is, musically, stark: an electronic noise like a lost radio signal can be heard throughout as well as a more subtle permutation of the howling ghost wind from the opening track and another simple, musical phrase, this time played on keyboard. Those three, spare elements create the perfect background for a song that feels sacred and still, that has lyrics like a list of ingredients for a potion or offerings to a god, that was played at the funeral of John Balance. Just as I start thinking this song can't get anymore beautiful, anymore fitting as the closer to these two volumes, the list stops and the singing begins. One voice at first, then two, and then, finally, three, singing, boldly and sadly, in a transcendent, made-up language that sounds like a combination of Latin, Italian and Arabic. This is a staggeringly gorgeous end to a fascinating set of albums.
Aside from "Something", this has been one of the strongest Coil albums I've experienced to date, both musically and thematically. Not only did they explore the less common uses of the concept of "dark" here, but they did it in such a novel, unique fashion. Then there is "Batwings", a song that is almost too fitting for the ceremony signifying Balance's passing from this world. Despite the title of these albums, I'd never be able to listen to them in the dark, not because they're spooky or scary, but because Coil has so clearly defined exactly what it is in the dark that we should be afraid of, they have shown us why we are afraid of the dark, and the consequences of facing it.





* Although, one has to admit it fits with the theme of a song called "Something".

** A phrase which appears in "Glowworms/Waveforms" from their Summer Solstice EP.

*** I thoroughly enjoyed The Golden Age of Grotesque but nothing much after that. If you don't believe me, read my review of his latest noisy fart, Born Villain.

**** From the Latin word limen, which means "threshold".

TARGET ACQUIRED. AGAIN. ME. THEY ACQUIRED ME. AGAIN.

Specifically for the first ever Tweet-To-Runway Show which took place earlier today.
It's a part of their Everyday Collection ad campaign (for which I do their radio spots; you may have heard them if you use Pandora...I sex it up regarding tomatoes, bacon and Any'Tizers...whatever the hell those are...).
My job was to read the tweets of people tweeting about everyday things and to then comment on said tweet then invite them to participate in said show.
You can check out all my sexy voice mouthing here: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL49VV18KYYONnSB-If_Tj0KDe4-5TTU8y

Also, I discovered yesterday that one of the last remaining members of Coil, Danny Hyde, has finished some music that was started years ago and intended to close the Moon's Milk releases.
Long story short, when I ordered this new music, I received a thank you e-mail from Hyde, so, obviously, I took the opportunity to tell him how great his stuff is, about the Coil Review Project AND about the fact that I just interviewed Chris Vrenna (who he had worked with during his time remixing for NIN) and that we had discussed Coil at length.
He wrote back saying that he was thankful and that he'd be interested to hear what Vrenna told me about working with Coil.
Bottom line: I'm going to try to get Danny Hyde...of Coil...on my fucking podcast.
I have...so many questions.

And, speaking of my podcast (digressive_obscenity, subscribe and I'll give you a candy!), after some bloodcreaming battles with iTunes and servers and feeds and fucking SATAN HIMSELF, everything looks to be in order for the release of the first episode on Monday, and the subsequent release of each episode after that, on each subsequent Monday.
Worst case scenario, you'll be able to listen and/or download it from the tumblr site but not iTunes at first.
I'm very proud of what I've done here and I look forward to sharing this with you and recording more.
Thanks to the handful of folks who participated in the first wave of episodes.

And...that's it.
Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday and then, Saturday, the party to celebrate my birthday.
It's going to be laid back and pizza and pajamas.

Just like me.

All This And A Gaping Hole In The Crotch*

Had a pretty solid week or so just recently.

AND I'M GOING TO TELLYOU ABOUT IT NOW.

In no particular order:

I watched the second half of Batman: The Dark Knight Returns a few nights ago and they managed to make it better than the first.
I blame the Joker.
And, although Michael Emerson would never be my first choice as the Joker, this is set pretty far in the future and he lends a frailty** to the character I've never heard before.
One thing I've never gotten (and I was hoping seeing it animated would help, but it really didn't) **SPOILERS** is how the Joker kills himself by breaking his own neck merely by jerking his head. I'm not a doctor, but can you partially break your neck like Batman did his?**NO MORE SPOILERS**
Anyway.
The level of violence was shocking and, while it'll never top Batman: The Animated Series, it really added some gravity.
Also, the way they animated Batman is just so brutal.
Buy these and watch them a lot.

Tomorrow, for the first time in my career, I have a professional VO booking on a Saturday.
Target is having me back for six hours to do a super secret thing happening soon.
More info if I'm allowed, although I'll probably just link to it when it's revealed.
If it's an extension of the character I did for them earlier (when I talked about bacon), this is going to be very fun stuff.

And, two weeks ago, I filmed a scene from the upcoming Joel Silver horror film, Home Invasion,, coming later this year.
Hopefully, HOPEFULLY the scene will be posted on the producer's site (www.MichaelFioreFilms.com).
It was an exceptional experience.
I was encouraged to unleash a darkness that doesn't often get its time on the outside.
It was freeing.
More on that if there is more.

Next, I am SO happy to announce that I am ONE recording session away from the completion of the first wave of my very own podcast, digressive_obscenity.
The first five are edited and, once this last one is recorded on Sunday, I merely need to start posting.
A lot more on that coming very soon.
Be sure to check the official digressive_obscenity tumblr at www.guido-paparazzi.tumblr.com*** and follow the podcast on Twitter at @digress_obscene****.

Finally, there is a secret thing I'm working on with writer, friend and hierophant, Philip Tucker that I can't tell you about...I don't think...
Actually, it might not be secret at all, but how about I just don't mention it in case it falls through or some shit?
Cool.
Thanks.
It's going to be sexy.
That's a promise.

Oh, and while I have slowly begun to accept that my persona feelings have absolutely no bearing on whether or not I've booked the gig, I did have a truly excellent audition today at House for something called "Secret Designer".
Now, I'm not sure if that's the name of the product or if the designer in conncetion with the product is merely being kept a secret.
Whatever the case, the copy was a free verse poem and I was instructed to read it like a beat poet who is sexy and mysterious.
Guys.
Guys.
I am a beat poet who is both sexy and mysterious.
So, even though I did not book this job, I had a great time doing it and turning all the ladies within earshot into jelly in the palm of my...mouth.
Ugh.
That's awful.

HAPPY MLK DAY EVERYONE!!!!!!!




* Of My Jeans

** Like the way a straight razor is frail.

*** Fat chance.

**** Even fatter chance.

A review of Coil's "Queens of the Circulating Library"

One track.
Fifty minutes.
Let's fucking do this.

A rising tide of slowly undulating sound engulfs the listener...for almost a full, fucking hour.
Soon after the track starts, we hear the Queen herself declare the following:

I am a queen of the circulating library

I have declared an amnesty

All books may be returned without a penalty

Return the books to me

Return the books

Don't burn the books

You cut down the trees to make paper disease

It's in the trees: it's coming

Return the book of knowledge

Return the marble index

File under "Paradox"

The forest is a college, each tree a university

I am a queen of the circulating library

I'm here to answer your enquiry

All knowledge resides within me

Your membership has expired

You are way past expiry dates

Words, words, words, words!

You may as well listen to the birds

Her voice, which sounds great and has a lot of character, is bounced around and sped up and slowed down for about, oh, ten minutes or so, and then, around the twelve minute mark, the vocals stop and we are left with that ocean I mentioned before for, give or take, thirty minutes.
As the music wasn't offering much in the way of stimulation, I decided to make up a story to go along with this track:*

After the apocalypse, as there will certainly be some people left, there might very well be some libraries left standing as well. Perhaps a woman, driven insane by radiation poisoning or dehydration or Captain Trips/the T-virus/etc., takes up residence in one of these libraries and begins to go even more insane, thinking herself the last librarian on Earth, responsible for each and every book and, therefore, entrusted with keeping them all safe and in good condition. Eventually, her psychosis deepens and she believes herself to be, you guessed it, a queen, the Queen, in fact.
And queens, of course, make declarations such as those you see above all the time.

This took me about five minutes to come up with, so, when I saw that there was still more than twenty five minutes left in the "song", I went a little further...

If this apocalypse takes place after some advancements in technology (here's where things get really Fallout-y), perhaps the queen would also rule over the robot helpers that will, obviously, inhabit all libraries in the future. Instead of just wandering around proclaiming weird shit about her subjects, the books, she decides to delegate the responsibility to said robots, programming her voice into their speech centers and so on and so forth, until some Wanderer of the Wastelands (let's drop the pretense, this is basically DLC for Fallout 3) stumbles into the library and has to fight her crazed, catchphrase-slinging robot army until, finally, he confronts her rotted corpse, clutching some book...Goodnight Moon or something...and brings it back to some kid who gives him a modded MIRV or an awesome shotgun or a shitton of bottle caps.

Anyway, back to the album: this isn't so weird that it's interesting or challenging, it's just boring.
Here are some highlights from the rest of "Queens":

• Circa the 27 minute mark a quiet clicking noise starts in the background
• Circa the 29 minute mark, the clicking stops and the excitement dies down
• Circa the 32 minute mark there are a few tiny flutters of sound
• Circa the 34:30 minute mark there are some siren things
• Circa the 36 minute mark things melt a bit but are then put right back where they were

The sirens and flutters come and go, and then, after a very, very, very, very long and slow fade out**, "Queens of the Circulating Library" draws to a close.

Some questions from my end:
At what point did they look at each other and say, "Yeah, this is done."?
Was this just an exercise to see if they could fill a disc or to see how long one of them could hold down a key or something?
Was this a prank?
Whatever.
Never mind.
This could be most closely compared to Time Machines (but much more exciting due to those tiny little variations mentioned above), and it's just about as enjoyable.
To be fair, someone might call this relaxing.
Not sure who, but, it's possible.
And, with that, I say "goodbye" to "Queens of the blah blah blah"; may you never crowd my eardrums again with your ah, fuck, I'm done talking about this.

* One that fits in nicely with the world of Fallout

** Very.

A review of Coil's "Musick to Play in the Dark, Vol. 1"

As you can see, the cover shows a misty, moonlit landscape, most likely crawling with things you'd rather not see with your own eyes. The music contained here would be right at home, drifting through the trees or echoing off the mountains pictured, something you'd only hear a distorted snatch of, perhaps while being pursued by someone.
Or something.

One of the sonic threads that holds "Musick" together is that of tiny, buzzing percussion. Another is that of a high, frozen choir. Both threads are introduced here on "Are You Shivering?". There is also some large noises and Balance's trembling, stuttering voice (with an effect similar to that of the one used on the Butthole Surfers cover of "Hurdy Gurdy Man") humming throughout. Aside from these elements and some pretty amazing lunar imagery (In the oceans of the moon / swimming squidlike and squalid / this bright moon is a liquid / the dark earth is a solid), this is all you have...for over nine minutes. The theme of the album (cold moonlight and its relation to the darkness) is established nicely, but it tends to drag a bit. This is an issue that will pop up more than once on "Musick".

The beginning of "Red Birds Will Fly Out Of The East And Destroy Paris In A Night" reminds me of the music from the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror vignette, "Bad Dream House", but then things get open, intricate and cold. The sounds used are a bit dated, and, once they start to develop, remind me of both "In Motion" and "Intriguing Possibilities" from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross' score for The Social Network.  Aside from these odd and random bells this track rings in my head, the image of a frantic chase down the side of a snow-covered mountain also comes to mind. A wolf chasing a rabbit. Towards the end, there is some excellent noise which serves as a very nice chaotic climax to this chase (again, very "In Motion"). An avalanche. Just as with "Are You Shivering?", the darkness is palpable here.

"Red Queen" is unnerving from the second it comes shivering into your ears. Evidently, it's about the media and how false and misleading it is. This might be the most mundane topic Coil has ever covered in their career...or at least the most relatable, but it it definitely the creepiest song about the media I've ever heard. The piano on here is great (and slightly menacing), and serves to cover up and compliment the truly unsettling detuned, wavering guitar noise at the same time. Eventually, some jazzy hi-hat comes in and "Red Queen" starts to sound a bit like Bowie's "Bring Me The Disco King"*. Like "Shivering", the song drags a bit, but that piano really does a lot to mitigate that fact. While this might not fit in with the established theme of a cold, dark, winter's night, this is certainly music you'd only hear after nightfall.

Next up, "Broccoli". Okay. I'm just going to put up the lyrics before I go any further.

Wise words from the departing:

Eat your greens, especially broccoli

Remember to say "thank you" for the things you haven't had.

By working the soil, we cultivate the sky.

We embrace the vegetable kingdom.

The death of your father, the death of your mother

is something you prepare for

all your life

all their life

That is repeating throughout, underneath the following:

Wise words from the departing

The death of the mother and the death of the father,

is something you prepare for,

for all of their lives

for all of your life

Wise words from the departing:

Eat your greens, especially broccoli.

Wear sensible shoes

And always say "thank you"

Especially for the things you never had

Wise words from the departing:

By working the soil, we cultivate the sky

and enter the vegetable kingdom of our own heaven.

By working the soil, by working the soil, we cultivate good manners.

We used to say "please" and "thank you", especially for things we never had.

Wise words from the departing:

Eat your greens, especially broccoli.

And always say "thank you", especially for broccoli.

The former verses are sung in a creaking yet avuncular voice while the latter are spoken in Balance's leathery, dead husk. The music is plinky and backed by a man (?) moaning in falsetto. This feels very much like a nursery rhyme or bedtime story**. I picture Balance reciting this to children. Not his, and not in a bedroom, but from the mouths of dark alleys in the gray backstreets of some child's nightmare. As odd as the subject matter is, this also fits right in with the overall theme of the dark. In fact, I believe that "Broccoli" offers a pretty strong case for being afraid of it. This is one of the creepiest Coil songs I have ever heard.

"Strange Birds" starts off with a complex beat made up of more of those tiny, fuzzy snaps and pops that litter this album. A buzzing, plucked wire joins the jamboree, and then, well, some birds. Whether they are actually strange or not would take someone who more of an ornithologist than myself. Based on the sounds these birds are making, I get the feeling that Coil isn't treating them very well. Despite the possible mistreatment of these birds, this track has a really nice uptempo beat, the first on the album to diverge from the overall theme of cold darkness...until, as is the case with many Coil songs, about halfway through, things get really fucking creepy. Once we get to the point where Balance croaks "one day your eggs will hatch and some very strange birds are going to emerge" I'm about ready to run, screaming, from my headphones. Thanks, John, I was looking for a reason to be afraid of eggs.

Another tiny start with tiny sounds for "The Dreamer Is Still Asleep"***, and then the jazz swings in again with the drums and keyboards. Silence is just as important as sound on this and it feels like something out of an unreleased David Lynch film. As John Balance gets older, his voice is reminding me more and more of a combination of Bowie and Gavin Friday. That frozen choir from earlier in the record makes its final, blue appearance. I found my mind wandering as "Dreamer" hit minute seven or so.

This is something I found the whole album guilty of; if you're going to put out six tracks, none of them shorter than seven and a half minutes, there needs to be more variation in them. Some of them are just great, ("Red Birds..." and "Strange Birds") enough texture and growth to keep my attention, but a few of them, while they sound compelling and unique, just don't evolve, and that can be very frustrating, especially with repeat listens. I didn't dislike anything on here, it's a very strong album; the silence and jazz are odd and interesting choices, but I found myself bored at times, mainly with "Shivering" and "Dreamer". Again, they nailed the mood, but some of it just felt too long. I'd say it seems self indulgent, but I don't know if Coil is really capable of such things. Most of this album is actually kind of accessible****, and you can't say it doesn't live up to its title. Everything here sounds as if can only be heard after dark, and only properly when the listener is bathed in moonlight.
At the end of "Are You Shivering?" Balance declares "this is moon music in the light of the moon", and there are no better words to sum up this work.
These are hymns heard in the Church of Moon Worship, and I'm looking forward to hearing the second volume and spreading its gospel.





* Although I may just be saying that because both songs have piano and a slightly jazz-tinged hi-hat.

** For very disturbed children.

*** Something that sounds so Lovecrafty can only refer to...William Blake? All right, Wikipedia, I'll trust you...for now...

**** Comparatively.

Q1 WANT.

2.5.13  Eels - Wonderful, Glorious
2.25.13  Atoms For Peace - Amok
3.5.13 They Might Be Giants - Nanobots
3.12.13 David Bowie - The Next Day

2.5.13 Dead Space 3
2.19.13 Metal Gear Rising: Revengence
3.26.13 Bioshock: Infinite

A review of Resident Evil: Retribution

So...I'm not sure who gets retribution here...but it certainly was not me.

First things first, remember at the end of the fourth RE movie (...uh...Insurrection? Revelations? Aftermath? Yes, Aftermath) Aftermath, when Milla and her clan of completely untrained and unarmed human guinea pigs were about to get mowed down by Jill "I'm Now Blonde And Have A Chest Spider" Valentine and her gaggle of Umbrella Supercopters? Well, the fifth movie picks up right there and, after a pretty cool and very well-scored backwards, slow motion battle scene which ends with every one of those aforementioned untrained and unarmed folks getting slaughtered and Milla getting knocked into the water*, the movie begins...with a dream sequence that isn't really a dream sequence in which Milla is married to the guy who betrayed her in the first movie and has a daughter who is deaf for no reason**, then the zombie apocalypse begins and a not dead and not superbadasshardcore Michelle Rodriguez (remember her from the first movie? No? Continue.) saves the two of them before flipping the goddamn car and BOOM, eyeball.
Then, god damn it, that poor bitch wakes up, naked and alone, again, in a fucking Umbrella facility.
These fuckin' guys...
She's tortured by Jill and loud sounds for a while until the system shuts down and a drawer containing what looks like a cenobite costume opens. Milla dons said Pinhead outfit, because yes, and then lots of zombies, lots of superhuman ninja fighting (although Milla is NO LONGER super-Milla but apparently remembers all her wire-fu), lots more slow motion and lots of white hallways.
After obliterating a bunch of the undead fuckers, she is attacked by Ada fucking Wong, the most bad ass bitch in the Resident Evil (game) series who falls SO short in this film...I just sad farted.
She informs Milla that her and Wesker, who is totally not dead DESPITE BEING IN A NEUTRON BOMB EXPLOSION and, also, not evil, are no longer working for Umbrella because they are bad and are currently being controlled by the computer bitch from the first movie who now wants to destroy the world because it is a homicidal computer and you can't be homicidal unless you yearn to kill things.
*sigh*
Wesker's face then informs Milla that she is in the real REAL real Umbrella base...under a mile of ice in fucking Siberia and that she must escape with the help of a strike team, made up of Sergei (character from Resident Evil 3: Nemesis...I think?), Luther (pre-apocalypse basketball star from the previous film), Barry Burton (from the first Resident Evil game; a S.T.A.R.S. team member who betrays everyone in the first game and then saves everyone in a bunch of subsequent games...something I thought he would do here) and Leon S. motherfucking Kennedy*** (star of Resident Evil 2, Resident Evil 4 and Resident Evil 6...fuck yeah.), and which has a legitimately awesome intro involving an elevator and some sort of automatic machine gun wheel.
At this point, they make up a reason to make this into the first remix movie I have ever seen, bringing back sets and setpieces and enemies from all the films.
Like a bad video game...by Capcom.
Speaking of bad video games, we are reintroduced to the computerized image of a little girl that serves as the audience's focal point for the Red Queen (homicidal computer).
She looks like a pitbull and talks out loud although she is a computer and has no need to speak at all.
We then follow the progress of Ada and Milla via wireframe (something that, honestly, always looks cool to me) and watch as they fight, not one, but TWO of the utterly unexplained huge axe guys from the most recent movie.
The axe guys lose.
Ada's grapple gun is introduced, lending the movie more fan cred, but not really used well.
Leon and his troop are cornered by a veritable army of dudes, a point at which I kept yelling "use flash grenades!!!!"****, then get away only to confront the biggest god damn Licker I have ever seen.
Good thing it's CG.
It was around here that I realized this movie has only two types of dialogue: endless exposition or "snappy" one-liners.
Moving on.
The strike team meets up with Milla and they begin a driving level (see Chapter 2-3 of Resident Evil 5)
After the chase sequence, which ends with the huge fucking Licker getting killed...for real..., the survivors go into the subway and starts shooting at bad guys.
Barry then whips out his magnum (nice reference to RE1) and gets two shots off before getting hit with about ten bullets and then he pops up AGAIN to kill one more dude, but then he dies, something I was more bummed out about than I'd like to admit.
Finally, after brainfucking that huge ass Licker (which was NOT dead!!!), on the icy surface of Umbrella's secret real base, Milla squares of against Jill, and Leon and Luther square off against Michelle Rodriguez' evil clone*****...but check this out, she injected herself with Las Plagas, which, in the game would mean she starts to get tentacley and rotten, but, here, it means she is a fucking super ninja. She shrugs off bullets and everything else Leon and Luther throw at her, PUNCHES LUTHER IN THE HEART, killing him instantly and also incapacitates Leon.
Meanwhile, Milla is getting her ass kicked for the first time in the series. Jill is bear blasting her ass and, as she is about to grind her face off on a Snowcat's treads, Milla remembers the bright red, flashing device attached to her chest and ::boop:: plucks it off her like a child would a grape from a vine.
A side note: the fight with Jill Valentine in Resident Evil 5, the one in which she is under the control of that very same flickering chest thing, may be the most difficult and annoying fight IN THAT GAME. It takes SO MUCH FUCKING EFFORT to get that fucking thing off her chest....ugh.
Anyway.
Once Milla despiders Jill's chest, she's free to try and take down Evil Michelle Rodriguez.
In a nutshell, it doesn't work, and Milla ends up cracking the ice under her, drowning her in the Sea of Zombie, which looks pretty awesome.
And then...we get the wrap up...
The survivors, Jill, Leon, deaf girl and Ada are flown from Siberia to Washington D.C.
Milla is taken into the Oval Office...to find Wesker sitting behind the desk of the President.
Asking why Wesker is President is like asking...is like asking any other good question that will never, ever get answered in this series, so, don't, all right?
He reinfects Milla with the T-virus (the thing that made her superpowered and telekinetic and fucking pyrokinetic and all other typesa shit and tells her that she is the key to saving blah blah blah and that this is "the beginning of the end".
In other words: eight more movies.
The movie ends with the super team of Leon, Ada, Jill and Milla standing on the roof of the White House while the camera pulls back to reveal UTTER ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE CHAOS...including flying dinosaurs, which raise two questions for me: A. how is a homicidal computer going to control flying god damn dinosaurs and B. how the fuck are there flying dinosaurs?

These questions AND MORE will be answered in 2014 when Resident Evil: *sigh* is released.

See it in 3D IMAX or don't see it at all.









* Because, what's cooler than backwards and slow motion? BACKWARDS SLOW MOTION!!!!!!

** Unless "unearned pathos" is a reason.

*** Whose jaw is as big as his hair is girly.

**** But no one did.

***** The scenario as I picture it

Michelle and Milla are having coffee somewhere.

MR: Milla, is it true that the fourth Resident Evil movie grossed (however many hundreds of millions of dollars it grossed)?

MJ: Yup.

MR: Hm. It sucks that I died in the first one.

MJ: Yup.

MR: You think there's some way (your husband, the director and writer of the series) Paul could, I don't know, write me back in? Like as a clone or something?

MJ: Sure.

MR: Cool. Oh, and can I kick the living shit out of everything?

MJ: ...

A review of Coil's "Astral Disaster"

Okay...roll with me here. After a few listens and a few nights to reflect on Astral Disaster...I think this might be a concept album...about aliens crash landing a ship on the coast of some early human civilization and the details and events surrounding said crash and if you disagree..that is totally okay, because I'm never sure of anything with these guys.

My thoughts during "The Avatars", the first Coil I'd listened to after the citrus-and-coconut-suntan-lotion-flavored Love's Secret Domain and the solemn and beautiful Moon's Milk was, "Ah, here we are! The buzzing robot birds and electric dissonance of the Coil I know and persist through! Hello, Astral Disaster, I gleefully look forward to whatever special hell you have in store for me!" But, after listening through the whole album and coming back around to Avatars...I think this might have been some transmission or distress call. What we're hearing is what those primitive humans heard when they approached that huge, mysterious craft, half buried in the sand: a call for help, but in the aliens' native tongue, before the translation software had kicked in.
After my eighth or ninth week of listening to and reviewing Coil albums, I was getting tired of using the adjective "spiritual" to describe their work. So, when the phrase "visitation from an ancient alien race" occurred to me while listening to "The Mothership & The Fatherland"*, I was happy to roll with it. Running a little under twenty two and a half minutes, there are a few different events taking place during this track; things start off warm but sorrowful, there's nothing threatening about these visitors. Perhaps this is the ship's log, or the story of their race... Out of nowhere, sharp keys distort and shred the calm, creating a real sense of fear and menace, is this static or some sort of attack? It fades away, but comes in and out for the duration of Mothership but doesn't actually interrupt the calm wash in the background, so I'm more inclined to view this as static and nothing more. Eventually, there are some faint sounds which could be radio transmissions. The music begins to sound more bright and celebratory, I thought for a moment that maybe we were on their planet, but quickly dismissed the idea. Some voices drift in, delicate and beautiful, but that dissonance, that static, reappears. Towards the end, Balance starts to make some stuttering, hissing noises with his mouth which sound, to be frank, a bit silly; they detract from what's here. Soon after, it ends.
If Mothership is, in fact, a history of whatever planet these beings call home, then "2nd Sun Syndrome" may be more related to the biology of one of these beings. It could be the heartbeat or, perhaps, the engine of the ship. Either way, there is something wrong. Something horrible is about to occur, either an explosion or whatever the aliens' equivalent of a heart attack is, but, before that can happen, the "song" ends. Another possibility, and this is based on the title, is that maybe 2nd Sun Syndrome is some kind of disease. What if what we're hearing is the breaking down of one of these aliens from the inside? What if 2nd Sun Syndrome is why this ship crashed? What if it's the reason these beings needed to escape their planet and have come to ours?
What if it's contagious?
Next is "The Sea Priestess", one of the only tracks with lyrics. The music serves as merely a backdrop for some early human recounting the tale or legend or myth of the Sea Priestess. When I sat down and looked at the words being spoken, I saw this as the story passed down generations from the people that originally discovered the craft on the shoreline all those years ago to their ancestors.

I was woken three times in the night

And asked to watch whales, listen for earthquakes in the sea

I have never seen such a strange sight before

The words also speak of "Egyptian Aztecs arriving from Norway" and how "the men here are dessicated like mummies" and there is an interesting shift in the narrator's voice which might even imply that the speaker is one of these beings, rather than a human encountering one of these beings. Lots of room for interpretation here.
The penultimate track, "I Don't Want To Be The One" sounds so unlike anything else on here that I assumed it was a cover, but then I heard the words and saw that, this too, fits right in.

I don't want to be the one

When everyone is gone

I don't want to be the one

To see so far ahead

I have to live life looking back

To see the skies turn red

I don't want to be the one

To play this dangerous game

To find out why they came

The song itself reminds me of music from Aeon Flux; it's sad, stately and flangey**...until the third verse, when Balance starts shrieking the lyrics.
John...we get it...you don't want to be the one. Yeesh.

The final track, "MU-UR", has two distinct movements: the first two-thirds could be that transmission from "The Avatars" but translated, although not with 100% accuracy as some of the lyrics make utterly no sense while others, "the miraculous image of sound washed ashore", "we feel like babies in the brine" and "God saved me from drowning then kicked me to death on the beach" seem fitting with the overall story. The voice delivering said lyrics is affected and insectile; but also childish and confused. This may be the last of its kind and it's dying. The sound is that of the ship's beating heart, or, possibly, the heart of the speaker. There is a strong sense of hopelessness here that becomes more acute when, as the first part winds down, a looping, limping set of tones begins to cycle, slowly running down, as if the life support is finally, after all these centuries buried under the sand, giving out. Once that system has finally gone silent, the last third of "MU-UR" feels very much like an ascension or a rebirth; the music sounds like crystalline power cells regrowing themselves, but, although the hopeful tones are joined by a high, beautiful voice repeating "the eternal" again and again (the same voice that was heavily affected) in Mothership), the very ending sounds like backup power failing, hope dying, the end of an entire race.
Whether "MU-UR" is meant to be the name of the planet, the ship, the being sharing this message or the being for which this message is intended...we'll never know.

So, a ship crashes on a beach, millions of years ago. There might be survivors of some alien disease on board, or merely a record of what happened and a cry for help. Early humans encountered this ship and made of it what they did, none of them completely understanding what it was or what it implied and, in the end, this race of alien beings died. Listening to this with that story as a framework makes me think that Coil could not have titled this album more aptly. While it's certainly not my favorite album of theirs, Astral Disaster may be one of the most enthralling.

* A title that began to sow these alien seeds in my mind.

** Something about it sounds a bit like Depeche Mode's "Little 15".

NUTSHELLS

Over the break, I soaked my face in mucho media.
Then I did this.

God Bless America
Eight soliliquies (no, that's too poetic; let's just call a spade a spade and go with "rants") about how shitty pop culture and celebrities and everything else has gotten in this country interspersed with some graphic, gory violence. Bobcat spent a month watching the worst shit on TV and then just made a movie about how obviously bad it all is and then he killed it. Cheap and easy. Of course, we want to kill these people; reality TV stars, inconsiderate neighbors, screaming, idiot protestors, uber-Republican loud mouths, people being assholes at movie theaters...we've all written/acted in/seen this movie every day of our lives.
Anyway, there are some funny moments, but not enough.
Oh, and the moment when after the super-articulate and deep and wise-beyond-her-years teenager has a rant about what "real" and "good" music is and then get mad at the guy for calling her Juno...doesn't mean she isn't talking and acting like Juno, Bobcat.

Barbarella
Okay, you've seen the Flash Gordon movie from 1980? This makes that look like JFK.
I have NEVER had an erection this confused in my LIFE.
I want to track down the source material; the, no doubt, sexy French comic books, and just see what in the sopping wet FUCK is (supposed to be) going on here.
Also, SO MANY THINGS borrowed or just stole from this thing, I'd name a few, but I'm worried that thinking too hard about this will cause me to disintegrate and end up floating in that giant bong.
Jesus what a mindfuck.

Ghostbusters
Perfection, as always.

Halloween 2
I was astonished at how much better than the first film this was...really. There were still a heckuva lot of horror movie tropes, but there was ethos and pathos and other Greek words. Some weirdness as Michael sort of became a mountain man for a while*, but then he started killing again and having weird dreams about his dead mom and things go from there. Great sound design and, at one point, there is a huge backwods Halloween Jamboree (less redneck than I'm making it sound) where these three hot chicks dress up like Magenta, Columbia and Farnk N. Furter, and, guys, the chick dressed as Frank had me all in a tizzy.
I think I'm gay for Tim Curry.
Thanks, Rob.

Men In Black 3
Everyone said this made up for the second movie and it does. Really well done, although I would have liked a bit more time at MIB headquarters, I love the world they've made and I love spending time in it.
And Boris was so ulike himself I was giddy. Solid all the way round.
Although I'd love David Werner coming back as an evil Alpha like on the cartoon.

The Lion King
It was a gift for Christina.
It still works.
I'm 13 again and singing along with every song and bawling about a dead animated lion.

Resident Evil: Retribution
coming soon

Sons of Anarchy (season 5)
How can I watch a whole season (in two days) and STILL feel like NOTHING happened?
I mean, stuff DID happen, several folks died, allegences were shifted and there was some really great character stuff as well, but there is so much threatneing and then backing down (for good reasons or not)! I'd like to see the final season of this show, when Kurt Sutter has noting left to lose...that is when the stakes are going to rise for me.

Dexter (season 7)
Some might say that this show has been entirely pointless up until the last fifteen seconds of season 6. I...kind of agree. The problem with all these shows that are based solely on the kernal of "someone has a secret and no one can ever find out", shows like Weeds, The Riches, Breaking Bad and Big Love, is that they sometimes have a habit of exposing the secret...and then completely eradicating the person or people to whom the secret was exposed, thus making the entire season a sort of "it was alll a dream" thing. Which is sloppy as hell. But, SPOLIERS, when they FINALY expose Dexter's plot-centric secret to a character that CANNOT simply be eradicated...well, things do get kind of interesting. Although, much like SOA, I still feel like nothing has happened. Well, you know what they say, "eighth time's the charm".
Django Unchained
Wowie wow wow. I will watch Christoph Waltz in anything; you just can't tea your eyes away from him! And Jamie Foxx? Man, has he come a long way from In Living Color. While this is yet another revenge flick from Tarentino, I like his revenge flicks and, even though it's not Kill Bill, it was almost up there for me. One of the best performances by Samuel L. Jackson in a Tarentino film since Pulp Fiction.

Inglorious Basterds
After seeing Unchained, I wanted more Waltz.
Didn't love it the first time, didn't love it this time.
QT takes too long to tell a story that's too short. Not enough of the good stuff, too much of the bad stuff.
The jumps see a bit weird as well. We meet the Basterds ancd, next thing we know, they've killed dozens. There's a pervasive feeling that something is missing, and the ending is way too abrupt.
But, again, Waltz and Pitt are pure rocky gold.

Moonrise Kingdom
Oh, Wes Anderson! If there is ever a director and writer as Wes Andersony as you...well, I just don't know.
Troubled children acting like awkward little adults? Check.
Major Hollywood actors being cast against type? Check.
Some crazy cinematography? Check.
Bill Murray? Check.
This has everything a Wes Anderason movie needs and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Honestly, I can't think of anything else to say about it.
Oh, no, wait, I know! The kids he cast give me hope for this generation of child actors.
Other than that...? You keep makin' 'em, Wes, and I'll keep watching 'em.









* For all you wondering what Michael Myers looks like under the mask...he look likes John Balance...at least according to Rob Zombie.

2013 BITCHWISHLIST

Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Kvetch, bitch, moan.
Piss, moan, whinge.
Whine, whine, bitch.

You get it.
I'm always whining about something.
Always.
Nothing seems to ever make me happy.

New Nine Inch Nails album?
Why isn't it out now?

New Beck album out NOW?
Why isn't it longer?

New, two-disc They Might Be Giants album out NOW?
It's not as good as their old stuff.

Cake releasing three double albums in three weeks starting NOW?
...we'll talk.

So.
What do I want?
What, if anything, would shut me the fuck up for two little minutes?
I will tell you.
Welcome to the Bitchwishlist for 2013.

Nine Inch Nails

Get a pen, motherfucker.

New HTDA LP
A double album preferably, if not, I want a FULL god damn disc of music, that's eighty minutes, dickface, not a second less.

The Goddamn Motherfucking Fragile Ultra Super Deluxe Edition*
And here is what I want on it:

• The full album, remastered and sounding better than ever
• A (full) disc of ALL the unreleased music from the recording sessions aka the Lost Fragile Tracks
• A Blu Ray with ANY and EVERY visual component relating to this era (Things Falling Apart, And All That Could Have Been), i.e.
•  Music videos (including the original, scrapped version of "The Day The World Went Away")
•  Promo materials (web videos, behind the scenes, teasers)
• Full versions of the Fragility v1.0 and v2.0 specials
• A documentary on the making of the album**
• Photo gallery containing unused artwork, magazine covers, web site image archives and the like
• Packaging to match that of the Ghosts I-IV deluxe edition
• All video in HD
• All audio also mixed in 5.1

The Year Zero mini-series
To feature original score and soundtrack from Nine Inch Nails, not Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, not How to destroy angels_, Nine Inch fucking Nails.
I'd also like to see Reznor direct an episode or two, see how that goes.

A new Nine Inch Nails album***
I've almost forgotten what Nine Inch Nails is...
This doesn't actually have to come out in 2013, but I want a single/music video by 2014 and a release date some time in January or the first half of February. A new Ghosts or a follow-up to Year Zero (to coincide with the mini-series perhaps...) or something totally different, preferably reflecting my next to last NIN wish. It's almost been five years since the last proper NIN album and I'm getting concerned.

An original Reznor/Ross score for a new Silent Hill game
Kind of self-explanatory, kind of epic and amazing.
I'm turgid with the potential hotness of this.

Some Fucking Transparency
Look, if you honestly believe, in your heart of hearts, that your next release or the one after that or the one after that is really going to live up to the mystery and hushed, awed hype you propagate, literally, years before their release...then by all means, keep it up; tease things 24 months before they are written, whisper random artists' names into the throbbing, eager ears of the internet and let your slavishly dedicated fan base tear itself apart trying to figure out what, exactly, you meant by that comma placement...but...if you're just fucking with folks to maintain that brooding, dark, troubled vampire goth god-king persona you've built over the decades...fucking quit it. You're a father of two who's married to a back-up singer who's about half your age.
Stop buying your own hype.

Some Fucking Impenetrability
After listening to all this Coil and reconciling myself with the fact that they made music for almost twenty five years without ever actually having a particular audience in mind, it makes me wonder why Reznor isn't being more bold and experimental. I know, I know, what is experimental? Isn't that just another name for unlistenable or pretentious or droney or blippy or indie or fill-in-the-blank?
Another way of phrasing this: Trent, make something unlistenable.
Make something that will alienate people.
Unless it sounds like "Corona Radiata" or "The Four Of Us Are Dying"...those weren't great and even they feel safe when compared to the truly experimental stuff Coil did...over a decade ago.
Get nuts, surprise us.

Release That Cover of "Sex Dwarf" from the Closure bonus footage
Do it.

And, since Reznor likes to collaborate so much...

List of Trent Reznor's Collaborators for 2013

David Bowie (never going to happen, even I know that)
Tori Amos (still believe that this could be amazing)
tweaker (show them how good tweaker could be, Trent)
Dave Sitek and/or TV On The Radio (just fuck around for a few weeks and release what comes of it)


They Might Be Giants

These guys have been kind of hitting it out of the park recently and have a new album set for March 5th, so this won't be too wacky.

That the new album is rich and good
Join Us was 18 tracks and pretty great. Keep up the good work.

New and interesting tracks during the 2013 tour
Pretty straightforward.

2013 IFC
I've been exceedingly happy with these last two years of the IFC and I'd gladly pay for another.

New Monopuff and State Songs albums
Never going to happen.

The return of the amazing TMBG podcast
All those weird little things that weren't even songs..."Turtles of North merica"..."Lesson 16"...yes! More!


Beck

I'm going to take a deep breath and try not to scream...

You, Beck, Recording Song Reader
Yeah, I'm not interested in people covering your new album. You wrote it, you record it. Asshole.

Midnite Vulture Deluxe Edition
A while ago, Beck said this was going to be a double album. As it is my favorite Beck album, obviously, I want more.
So do it.

A music video collection
On Blu Ray.
No idea why this hasn't happened yet...

Stop Producing, Start Collaborating
I'm done with hearing that Beck produced some dude's album which now has some drum programming where it did not have drum programming before.
If you're going to work with artists, work with them. Create something that is both of yours.
St. Vincent comes to mind...as does Dave Sitek.****

Get Back To Writing and Recording and Releasing Your Own Music
You are an artist. Yes, I understand. But artists can write/record/release compact discs too, you know. Remember all of the 90's and the 00's? Yeah? Okay. Good. Let's do that again.


Eels

E, you're releasing a new album in February and then touring for a few months after that.
And that is all I need.
Welcome back, buddy.


Cake

Another deep breath...and here we go...

Release A Double Live Album Comprised Of The Greatest Moments From The Last Few Years
In 2007, Cake was set to release a live album of their kick ass show at the Crystal Palace in...Texas? Kansas? Whatever.
They recorded it and everything...and then shelved it.
No matter how much I scream about Cake, I have always loved them live; they are a staggeringly talented live band and I will always do my best to see them, so a live CD, compiled from the best shows from the last few years would be stellar.

Shut Up And Make Some Fucking Music
You think I was joking about three double albums in three weeks? Well, I thought about it and that is exactly what I want. Three double albums, twenty songs and an hour and twenty minutes each, within one month.
And then...

Retire
Cake hates touring. They hate it. It keeps them away from their family and they hate it.
So. Fucking. Stop.
Become environmental activists, run for congress, actually fucking do something aside from being passive aggressive on your web site...YOUR WEB SITE WHICH ONLY LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE FUCKING READ!!!
You don't make enough music to be this vocal about shit.
If making music is such a chore and so awful, then fucking stop.
Yes, I will miss your music, but, honestly, it isn't like you make music anymore, so what's the difference?
Make those three double albums, release that live CD and then fuck off.
Never darken my doorstep again.


Now onto other bands/artists:

A new Gorillaz album produced by TV On The Radio
Straight up, I do not believe that Gorillaz is over and done with. I want them back and to record an album with TVOTR. It would be amazing. Get Beck in there and I'll even pre-order.

Another St. Vincent/David Byrne album
I haven't been able to stop listening to Love This Giant and I want more. Would I rather have a new AC/DB album than a new St. Vincent solo album? ....maybe? Both would be asking way too much, I get that but, again, wish list. And, you know what? I'm going with yes, I'd rather have another Love This Giant than a new St. Vincent album. LTG is just so good...

The redemption of tweaker
I don't care how you do it, a remix album that makes Call The Time Eternity sound like farts, a new album produced by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross featuring guest vocalists How to destroy angels, whatever. You made 2 a.m. Wakeup Call and it was heartbreakingly amazing and then you release CTTE? You are better than this and we both know it.
So prove it.

For the new Maximum Balloon album to be half as good as the first one
Because the first one was, mathematically, that good.

A Phone Call From Prince
I have nothing.
I just want to talk to the guy.

For the Atoms For Peace album to be amazing
I, seriously, listened to that first single, "Default", until I couldn't. If half of the album is as good as that one song...wow.
I want the whole album to be that good.
Which leads me to...

I Want One Of My Five Favorite Bands To Release An Album I Love From Top To Bottom, The First Time Through
No "it's growing on me", no half-amazing, half-okay track list...solid...gold...all the way through.
Will this ever happen or are my standards just too high?
I'll check back in in, roughly, three hundred and sixty five days.






* I will accept this as its official title.

** Don't think this actually exists, but, hey, it's a wish list.
*** I do not care what the fuck The New Yorker or Trent fucking Reznor says. SURPRISE ME.

 **** Sorry, he just seems to be a great guy to collaborate with.*****

***** Listen to Maximum Balloon.

End of the Monnth Music Bitchfest - December 2012

Nine Inch Nails

Another month of not nothing from NIN and its related subsidies.
First, we've gotten two remixes of the How To Destroy Angels track, "Ice age", the first by deadmaus (who is not as cool or innovative as he or anyone else thinks he is) and the second by Soft Moon, which is awesome. That one could also be called the "Joy Division remix" because of its sounds, but, whatever. Gift horse mouth bite feed hand don't.
Along with this, Dave Grohl announced that his documentary is going to come with a companion album, Real to Reel, the final track of which is called "Mantra" and which was created by Grohl, Josh Homme andTrent Reznor. It'll be out in February.
In further sort-of-Nine-Inch-Nails news, Reznor and Ross' Girl With The Dragon Tattoo score was nominated for two Grammys, one for best score and one for best deluxe packaging or special edition...which sounds silly.
And, finally, the best for last: in the December 17th issue of The New Yorker, Trent Reznor was profiled...and a new Nine Inch Nails album was announced...for 2014.
hahahahahahahahahahakillmehahahahahahahahahahahascreamingontheinsidehahahahahahahahahahaha.
It will be preceded by Interscope releasing a Nine Inch Nails "best of", to which Reznor will create/contribute/dig out, dust off and vomit up two brand new Nine Inch Nails songs.
My fingers are crossed for that cover of "Sex Dwarf".

So, in a nutshell, there were some remixes and the announcements of a song and some news about something happening more than a year from now.

Oh, almost forgot, the New Yorker article also talked about the streaming music service that Reznor has been developing with Beats By Dre.
Apparently it's going to be better than Spotify and Pandora...but I don't really understand how...or care really.
I've never actually used either and don't see myself ever doing so, so...yeah.
Congrats on that and let's hope it gets made obsolete really quickly.


Eels

A delightful and hilarious deleted scene starring E and Paul Rudd from the latest Apatow movie, This Is 40, popped up, making me want to see it even more. I mentioned it is hilarious, yes?

And, as foreseen, a super-adorable video for the euphoric new Eels' track, "Peach Blossom" was released, as well as another track from the album, "New Alphabet".
The new track is a bit darker, but more in a "when things get bad, here's how I deal with it" kind of way.
Not as great as "Peach Blossom" in my opinion, but still very solid.
February 5th cannot get here fast enough.


They Might Be Giants

So, while offering to answer any and all questions about their new album, I asked Flans (via Twitter) about the number of tracks and he told me and only me that it will consist of 25 tracks and clock in at about 45 minutes.
A day or so later, the band revealed the title (Nanobots), the release date (March 5th) and debuted a track on Rolling Stone's web site called "Call You Mom". It follows their tried and true sounds-happy-be-really-isn't-at-all formula that they've been rocking since '86. I like is SO much better than "Can't Keep Johnny Down" and that makes me so relieved. It's...raucous. And there are saxophones and Flansburgh yells in the background at one point.
Good stuff.

And, just a matter of hours ago, I attended the first and second of TMBG's New Year's Eve shows in Brooklyn. The first night was side A of Flood and side B of Lincoln (give or take "The World's Address" and "I've Got A Match" for some reason) and the second night, vice versa. While neither were the best shows I've ever seen, the first one featured five new songs from the upcoming Nanobots, namely, "Call You Mom" (amazing live), "Nanobots" (cannot wait to hear the album version of this), "Circular Karate Chop" (very catchy), "Lost My Mind" (seemed a bit flat) and "Insect Hospital" (which seemed less like a full song and more like a segue, although that may have just been the way they integrated it into the live shows...I suppose time will tell).

Finally, the "finyl vinyl" from the IFC is due to us by March.


Atoms for Peace announced their album title and release date as well as updating their site (www.atomsforpeace.info) with pre-order info and a weird, trippy visual component backed by some instrumental detritus. It's called Amok and it'll be out February 25th and I will buy it.

Aside from all this stuff that has yet to be released, I have actually been listening to something that is NOT Coil; specifically, Matt Berry's music from his show, Snuff Box. I'll forgo trying to make you understand how fucking weird this show is and just focus on the music. Each of the six episodes ends with one or both of the show's stars (Matt Berry and Rich Fulcher) turning to camera and singing a version of the show's theme, which was written and recorded by Berry. Apropos of nothing, although, sometimes, there are very emotional moments where (maybe?) words just aren't enough to exprress what the characters are feeling and that mihgt explain what the fuck is going on. The thing is? The theme is wicked fucking catchy. So much so that I bought it from iTunes and, along with a handful of other versions from the show and few pieces of incidental music posted on a BBC interview with Berry, have been listening to it for long stretches of time, about twenty minutes of music, over and over and over. And, beyond that, when I'm not listening to it, I'm humming or singing it AND I DON'T MIND because it's a good song.
It's really gotten into my head...we'll see what happens in the New Year.

And, speaking of which, be here tomorrow for something sexy bitchy.

Now leave.

A review of Coil's "Love's Secret Domain"

Not 100%, but I think this album's title refers to the butt.

Here we go:

Disco Hospital - I actually remember this from that initial download of Coil stuff all those years ago. This song is so...FUN. The first thirty seconds are made up of a repeating sound collage; weird noises, but not nearly as frightening as what Coil usually comes up with. Then, a few seconds of silence before a sassy, jazzy hi-hat and a beat comprised of an echocardiogram kick in. Add to those the slinky, muted keyboard and you have an excellent opener...to an album by some other artist.

Teenage Lightning part 1 - The fun continues with a freaked out, staticy bossa nova beat. Like Rio after dark and after a chaff grenade went off.

Things Happen - This is some French cabaret shit. What the fuck is going on here?! Some drunken French woman keeps asking for a cigarette and rambling about things happening and what it's like in Ohio...Jesus...is this even Coil?

The Snow - Okay. Here we go. This, at least somewhat, resembles the Coil with which I've been spending the past few months. But, although it's more dark and implicit than anything else here thus far, it's still more accessible and structured than a lot of what I'm used to. There is some great free jazz (?) keyboards floating in and out of "Snow" as well some some great effects that lower the temperature nicely. This feels a lot more 1997 than 1991. Man, this is so different...there are beats and drum machines being used properly and elements that one might hear on the radio. What the hell happened between this and their last album?

Dark River - A very solid Coil track. Like "The Snow", more produced and polished than their usual work, which, some might say, is a drawback, the loss of that roughness, that chaos, but I'm liking everything about this. The mood here is excellent and the title reflects the sound perfectly. The high, plinking sounds work so well with the large, round bell tones. Great atmosphere on this.

Where Even The Darkness Is Something To See - Great title for a less than great track. I'm just not that impressed with didgeridoos. Most of the song is just didge, but there's some cool electronics and flickering, echoing vocals towards the end. Not enough to make the song memorable, but enough to make it listenable.

Teenage Lightning part 2 - More industrial spacescape bossa nova. Mamba on the MOOOOOON!!! This actually sounds more like Beck than Coil. And that's fine with me. After a minute or two, you get the point, but, just as it starts to drag, it ends with some trippy Gorillaz/Garbage shit. Very nice.

Windowpane - This is so...normal*. You can see Balance doing his creepy stuff here (panting and moaning about putting windows in your eyes, etc.) and there is some signature electronic dissonance, but it's more for texture and someone has paired it with some totally accessible and, dare I say, enjoyable grooves and beats. It's actually palatable...for a bit. Six minutes plus is pushing it though; you've heard everything there is to hear about three minutes in.

Further Back And Faster - More didgeridoo, but used in a more interesting fashion: set as background behind a pseudo-Reggae beat. This drags and doesn't do much to impress.

Titan Arch - Ah, here we go, some Coil. Sinister and creeping, this track has some nice fear in the background. The lyrics are blasphemous and prophetic ("Angels take poisons / In rotting pavilions / Under shivering stars / The sickness is gilding"). Why do I feel as if this track was fought over? "We need to be less scary! We can't put any more readings from the Black Texts on our albums!" "Fuck you! We're Coil! Ingest the darkness! Immanentize the eschaton!"

Chaostrophy - Yet another Coil track. This starts off with dark static, but soon that falls away to reveal a huge, demonic engine revving and powering up, but then the engine opens and we see there is a symphony inside this engine. It's mysterious and sorrowful and beautiful and perhaps what is powering this shuddering, broken machine.

Lorca Not Orca** - Spanish guitars, people. Goddamn Spanish guitars. This might as well be called "Teenage Lightning part 3" as it features the same distorted robot voice reciting the same lyrics from the first two Teenage Lightnings. It's an enjoyable oddity, much like the first two, although Spanish guitars will never beat out bossa nova for me.

Love's Secret Domain - I think the first time I heard this was during Nine Inch Nails' pre-show music. Balance rants and raves (sounding a bit like a really pissed off Gavin Friday) over some incongruous tropicalia music and some truly party-starting drum breaks. Although his menace is palpable, it really does get blunted a bit by the music: it's too Miami beach. An odd and puzzling end to an odd and puzzling Coil album.

I don't know what to say; half of this album sounds like...not Coil. Not bad, but not Coil. Which, I suppose, is yet another credit to how multifaceted these psychopaths really are. If you check out the LP they released before this, one really has to wonder what happened. Did they take on a new member or sit down and actively decide to be more things to more people? Judging by what they evolve into, I suspect the answer is a creaking and sepulchral "no", but, still, I remain curious.







* Comparatively.

** Full title "Federico del Sagrado Corazón de Jesús Garcia Lorca Not Orca"***

*** I'm kidding. 

A review of Coil's "Moon's Milk (In Four Phases)"

As today is Winter Solstice, I decided to dedicate this week to Coil's "Seasons" collection.
Originally recorded in 1998 and released throughout the year from March to January of 1999 as four EPs, Moon's Milk (In Four Phases) is all four of the aforementioned EPs collected on two discs.

The first EP, Spring Equinox: Moon's Milk or Under An Unquiet Skull, consists of two tracks, both just a little over eight minutes, titled "Moon's Milk or Under An Unquiet Skull parts one and two". The first one acts more as a prelude to the second, rather than a distinct first part followed by a distinct second part. It's mostly droning voices and a few notes on an organs, flowing back and forth in a rather uninteresting fashion. I found my mind wandering while listening to this, although it does set a very somber, very ancient tone.
The following track, however, fills this solemn, holy place with sadness and beauty by employing a distant viola layered over the droning voices and sparse, listless organ.
Part two is the funeral of a god. While it's unsettling at times, mostly thanks to random sliding pitch changes*, it doesn't go too far.
One thing is for god damn certain, however, this does not make me think of Spring.

Next is Summer Solstice: Bee Stings. The first track, "Bee Stings" features some slithery, uncomfortable vocals backed by a repeating phrase of sad, regal music, something for a king who is dying in the sunshine, perhaps stung to death by bees. The ghost of a drum and some looped hissing, clicking lend structure to the otherwise simple song. There is also an unmistakable similarity between the chord progression in this and the chord progression in Nine Inch Nails' "The Day The World Went Away". Take a listen and see what you think...
Nine Inch Nails - "The Day The World Went Away"
Coil - "Bee Stings"
On "Summer Substructures", Balance sings in falsetto and it's startling and stark and beautiful. After a fashion. The lyrics center around water and drowning. It sounds very old; a proclamation given by a seer standing on the top of a lush, green mountain while a thunderstorm whips around him, his words chilling and prophetic.
Next, we learn that juxtaposition can be fucking awful as "A Warning From The Sun (For Fritz)" comes tearing at us, full speed and at full volume. My first thoughts were, "Ah! Fuck you!" but, once you get past the full minute or so of aural excrement, you get what sounds like Snarf reciting the prophecies of Nostradamus...which is a completely different brand of fucking awful.
The warning referred to in the title is "don't listen to this track".
Tucked away behind this turd is a live version of the last track on the next EP, called "Amethyst Deceivers". The live version has a totally different instrumental arrangement and features Balance without the vocal effects used on the album version. The result is some electronic fart noises darting in and out of some pretty vibraphone music with Balance sounding a bit like Richard O'Brien at an open mic night.

The next EP, Autumn Equinox: Amethyst Deceivers, begins with...well, I don't quite know if you'd call it keening or caterwauling...I leave it up to you to decide which or to never think about it again once this sentence ends. Whatever the case, that's what "Regel" is. And it's kind of hard to listen to.
But, as with "Summer Substructures" and "A Warning From The Sun", turnabout is fair play, and "Regel" gives way to "Rosa Decidua", one of the most glorious pieces on Moon's Milk. I have never heard anything like this on a Coil album. A man and woman (the first I've experienced during my journey through their catalog) provide the soaring, gorgeous, heartbreaking backdrop for Balance to take on the role of a priest or elder.

Rose, I hear your voice near to me

I've put away the poisoned chalice, for now

And lie down amongst the flowerbeds

Whichever stars we walk among

We both seek out the darkest red

The wine was turned to blood again

Without this blood we'd both be dead

I've wound myself tight into the headgerows

Let's see which way the winter wind blows

You are my shadow

Sadly, this...glory...is followed by "Switches", or, a robot kitten mewling and then screeching into a sparking electrical outlet into which is plugged a broken dot matrix printer.
Like I said, turnabout is fair play.
Things get good again with "The Auto-Asphyxiating Hierophant", where we see Balance once again cast as the holy man, although this is less of a sorrowful recitation as with "Rosa Decidua", and more of a nightmarish vision of the end times. The music is grand and soaring and full of portents and foreboding. The lyrics speak of the "construction of disasters" and "the black magic of the Earth" and the "crackling ice temples". Something horrible is coming, this holy man has seen it, but he might not think the world is worth saving.
The final track, the aforementioned "Amethyst Deceivers", has a lot more power here on the album than it does, live, on the stage. The main focus is on a guitar...an actual, holy-fuck-is-that-just-a-regular-old-guitar guitar playing a melody that sounds as eternal as these Amethyst Deceivers of which Balance speaks. The music tells of how legendary these beings are; that they are forever, unkillable, evil, cruel.

The final piece of this work, Winter Solstice: North starts off with "A White Rainbow", yet another component from the service that is being held throughout Moon's Milk; a hymn, in this instance. For some reason, they choose to ruin the end of this solemn, serene moment with dissonance and chaos, which is, of course, their choice to make; I'm just not sure why they made it.
Next is "North", a shorter, less interesting, yet somewhat soothing piece which features overlapping, stuttering voices that eventually flows into "Magnetic North", which becomes a hypnotic incantation over warm sheets of sound; the sound of the Northern Lights.

Blue sapphire six-pointed star / Deep ruby-red inverted pyramid / Red rose filling the skull / Yellow cube in the lower pelvis / Silver moon crescent below the navel / White-winged globe define the forehead / black egg within the throat / heaviness, heaviness

The final track has terrified me ever since I saw it, lurking there, at the bottom of the track list; it's called "Christmas Is Now Drawing Near". As the merest idea of Coil writing and recording a Christmas song is blasphemous, you'll understand how relieved I was when I discovered that this is actually just a version of the traditional Celtic song performed by the gifted Scottish singer, Rose McDowall (who also performs on "Rosa Decidua"). It's heartbreakingly beautiful, expressing both the warmth and happiness of Christmas as well as the loneliness and alienation is can also bring about. A truly stunning ending to what might be my favorite Coil album thus far.

There is so much beauty here. Usually tempered by sorrow or loss or loneliness and, occasionally, set alongside some of Coil's more familiar electronic graffiti, but real, hallowed beauty all the same. Above all else, Moon's Milk feels sacred whereas most of the sonic spaces Coil has created feel profane and godless, threatening and unwelcoming. This is less of a ritual and more of a mass and, again, the beauty here is just startling. I would go ahead and say something like, well, better not get used to it because I've grown to know what to expect from Coil, but, after Moon's Milk, I have to come to terms with the fact that I really have no clue what they're going to do next, and that makes me so joyous.

  

* Pitch changes which, when applied to the organ, remind me a bit of the opening sound wash of Nine Inch Nail's "The Day The World Went Away"...a track I'll be referring to at least once more in this review.

If Stupid Were Fatal, They'd All Be Dead

You know what happens when you don't pay attention to your physical Netflix queue?
You get Rob Zombie's Halloween...and you watch it.

Now, I had seen this before and most of it seemed familiar. But, this time, I had some thoughts regarding this remake.

The first question that must have popped up was how in the fuck do we make Michael Myers  the victim? Well, obviously, you make everyone around him worse than a soulless killing machine.
Also, make them white trash*.
No, trashier...little more trashy...more...moooore....okay.
No.
More.
Little more.
Okay, good.
There.
NOW we shall sympathize with little Michael Myers as he kills a whole bunch of people, and I did, until he killed his promiscuous sister with the great ass, there, right there did I stop identifying and rooting for the child psychopath.

A quick aside to state the obvious here: Sherri Moon (Rob Zombie's wife...the lucky fucking whoreson) is actually a really strong actress. She does broken and desperate yet loving very well.

I like the subtle reinterpretation and reintroduction of the trademark Halloween Mask (although, at times, it looks like Henry Winkler and, at other times, Dustin Hoffman, neither of which are William Shatner). The shading and different angels they use on it brings about a depth I'd never noticed before.
Way to go, Rob.

Then, after Malcolm McDowell (the esteemed British child psychologist who is slumming in Bugfuck, Illinois for some odd and unexplained reason) overacts and underachieves with him, little Michael goes from "troubled little boy" to "super crazy little fucker" by stabbing a lazy nurse (who was told to watch the kid who killed four people and doesn't) with a fork.**

Jump forward fifteen years: Michael Myers is grown up, almost seven feet tall, has long, scraggly hair that's always in his face....wait...am I Michael Myers? His only friend in the whole world is a janitor, played by Danny Trejo, which is always a good sign.

Now, another aside in which I shall address typical, stupid horror movie behavior. Some might say that this is sort of a tradition and that's why it's still allowed to happen and, in some cases, even celebrated, but others are smart and see it for what it is: laziness. Don't misunderstand, if you are making an hilarious parody of a horror movies and these stale-ass tropes, say Scary Movie or something like that, and want to have all the stereotypical characters get locked in a stereotypical situation where stereotypical things will happen to them, go for it, but, go big or go home. What is about to happen in this movie, some might consider "going big", but, personally, I consider it "going stupid".

So, in order to juxtapose the quiet, caring figure of Danny Trejo, we have the screamingly stupid, dickhead redneck who, somehow SOMEHOW isn't frightened or even mildly concerned with the fact that Michael Myers is a convicted murderer and fucking eight feet tall. In a less...Rob Zombie movie, this redneck might tease Michael or hit him with a stick or something, pushing him too far until he snaps, but, guys, this is a fucking Rob Zombie movie...go big or fuck you. So, rather than just pissing off Michael, the idiot redneck and his cousin/brother/moonshine pally, bring another patient, a teenage girl, into his cell AND THEN PROCEED TO RAPE HER.
*sigh*
At least they should have closed the door before they got started.
Michael, in a startling turn of events, kills the both of them, some chick and then, sadly, Danny Trejo, who whispers, pathetically, while Michael kills the shit out of him, "I was good to you!"
Well that's it! I am now 100% done sympathizing with Michael Myers.
For now.

Once Michael has officially escaped, there is a scene with McDowell (who hasn't stopped chewing the goddamn scenery since he walked on screen amidst a flourish of trumpets and rose petals) and Clint Howard.
I'm pretty sure it was at that point that this stopped even being a "movie" and descended into "flick" territory.

Next, Michael kills the only black man in the movie, an embarrassingly over-the-top caricature of a human, in a bathroom, and then walks a hundred miles in a very short time to return to his home town where he kills a bunch of teenage girls who were way overdue for killing and who all have lovely breasts and bottoms.*** Speaking of which, thanks to Michael and, I suppose, Rob Zombie, I was given a chance to see if I was aroused or not by bloody boobs. I am happy to report that I am not.****

There is also a random title card that reads "Trick or treat". Throughout this movie, yes, there have been title cards, but they have only been utilized to give context as to the scene (i.e. "Fifteen years later", "October 31st", etc.), so, I don't know, I guess I'm asking Rob Zombie, "Why? What's up with the random title card that says 'Trick or treat'? What the fuck were you thinking?"

Moving on.

Michael starts killing a lot of people, most of who end up crawling around for a few minutes before Michael ends it. At one point, he's chasing one girl who's looking after two kids and, once he breaks down the front door, the girl commands, "Into the bathroom!" which confused me, especially since the bathroom door was mostly made of glass. Although, even if it wasn't made of glass...it's the bathroom, why is that room more secure from mask-wearing serial killers? Just because you poop somewhere doesn't mean it's the safest place in the house.

Eventually, Michael squares off against his mortal enemy: his 16-year old sister, and, after taking, like, six fucking slugs from a .357 at close range and a goddamn butcher's knife to the neck, the big fucker dies.
Totally.
Once and for all.
Then, after he pops back up like an adolescent's boner and attacks the car in which McDowell and Michael estranged sister sit, McDowell utters what might be the most unintentionally funniest exclamation I've heard in a horror movie...Michael smashes through the passenger window and is in the process of dragging his sister out when McDowell yells, "Jesus Christ!!! What the hell is going on?!"
Acting, Malcolm, that is what the hell is going on.
And you are not invited.
In the end, Michael totally dies again, super for real and is now gone for good totally.
Yeah.

The sequel arrives in the mail tomorrow.
I've been told that "Weird" Al Yankovic has a cameo.






* But not regular, sad white trash like in Winter's Bone, no. This is a Rob Zombie movie, so make them White Zombie Trash.

** How come the lazy idiots I work with never get stabbed with forks for their incompetence?

*** Credit where credit's due.
**** I wholeheartedly believe it is good to know such things about one's self.