1. Of our ten year friendship, which personal joke/story still remains the most amazing/funny?
-I would have to say the Zombie Haus. (imagine those two little dots over the u)I mean, the development of that joke lasted years. I will always remember walking past the haus at night, freak ourselves out and pathetically try not to run all the way home. Everytime I think of zombies, i think of you.
2. Favorite word and why?
-I really like the word Peril. It is so pretty, but means something so bad.
3. Do you find Aaron Gunn attractive? Rowr.
- If I did, i wouldnt be very Smrt, smrt, smrt....
4. You have to sex up either Denise or Kaitlyn, who and why?
I would have to say Denise, solely on the fact that she is not my roommate, i wouldnt want stuff getting weird between me and KY. lol Besides Marc has been pushing for us to have a threesome, and who am i to deny him that...
5.How should Charlie be punished for smoking? You must submit this answer to your parents.
-oh, my parents already know how i feel. First, i would want my dad to cry in front of him again, make him really feel bad. then break all of his skateboards, in front of him. then make him watch some old man get a traechiotomy ( i cant spell) b/c the guy has throat cancer. then make him physically eat the rest of the pack.
Paul's Answer Key
1. I would much rather be associated with zombies than anal warts. Thank you.
2. Wrong. The correct answer was: tweed.
3. ZING!
4. You should totally go to the wall with the threesome idea ONLY IF I can be the third. See how long and hard is dick is then. Ha.
5. I fucking love every part of it. Tell them and I'm sure they'll do at least one of those. The crying is a great emotional mindfucking, it'll flip his perceptions, the skateboards will attach doing something wrong with the destruction of his favorite things and the eating of the pack will make him repulsed by the smell and taste. I think the trach thing is neither here nor there. I believe Charlie has seen Faces of Death, so that won't do a thing. The discomfort must be his. Perhaps cut a hole in his throat? Maybe he shoudl have to watch your parents having sex. OR A THREESOME WITH ME!!! BWA HAH HAH HAH! I'm going to be a great father.
Showing posts with label Questions for Various People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Questions for Various People. Show all posts
2.11.2004
2.10.2004
Corrections (fuck you all I'm tired)
Kaitlyn's Questions
4. Aside from me, whom do you hate and why?
Denise's Questions
2. Why were you so scared of Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
Jade's Questions
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripper dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
7. What is your favorite TMBG song and why?
Christina's Questions
4. What's the next sexual arabesque you would like to try?
4. Aside from me, whom do you hate and why?
Denise's Questions
2. Why were you so scared of Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
Jade's Questions
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripper dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
7. What is your favorite TMBG song and why?
Christina's Questions
4. What's the next sexual arabesque you would like to try?
The first of many...
Kaitlyn's Questions
1. Why do you hate me? I want specific reasons and examples supporting each.
2. Anal? Have you? Will you? Why/why not?
3. Are a drunken man's words a sober man's thoughts? If so, why do you always ask if I'm in love with you when you're drunk?
4. Aside from me, whom do you and hate and why?
5. What do you think Black man semen tastes like?
Denise's Questions
1. If you had your choice, which Tucker would you pick to be your love slave and why?
2. Why were you so scared of the Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
3. If you could be insulted on national television by any celebrity who would it be and why?
4. What are your feelings towards erections?
5. Why are you the Butcher?
Jade's Questions
1. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????!!!!!Sorry.
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripped dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
3. How do you continue to tolerate my stupidity?
4. Doesn't Trevor look like Martin Short? Why do you think that is?
5. Will I ever get to see you naked?
6. We know your feelings on Linnell, but what about Flans? Would you sex him up?
7. What is your favorite TMBG and why?
8. Where's my kangaroo?
9. What's with Clue...DO?
10. The idea/concept/reality of Vegemite is one of the only aspects of Australian culture that terrifies and sickens me, what in our American culture terrifies/sickens you and why?
11. Want to come and see my new place? You can live with me for a week then Heather then Matt and GC then Trevor.
12. If you could bang just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
13. If you had to kill just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
14. If you had to live with one forever who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
15. What would really make your day if you got it in the mail from me?
Will's Questions
1. Who is Lord over Greater Orlando and for how long?
Nigel Clarke is Lord over Greater Orlando, and has been since at least Christmas Eve, 1999. Some experts place the date of His Ascension earlier, perhaps back as far as when he taught Pele.
2. You have become the Ultimate Deity and have decided to make a planet. Describe this planet in detail in all aspects: environment, inhabitants, vegetation etc.
Will's simple directions for constructing my planet:
a) gather all material in the solar system.
b) pulverize it
c) use it to construct a huge sphere around the sun
d) creatively use heavy materials to generate desired gravity field, where "desired gravity field" means "gravity field sufficient to root fattys to the spot where they lay, helpless targets for the crusading fatty patrol"
e) sit back and wait for a huge meteor to impact the sphere with sufficent force to penetrate its surface
f) watch chaos ensue
g) laugh
h) retreat back to my home planet, which is something like Valhalla, except with hundreds of virgins for my amusement, and giant statues of you, me, and phil.
3. Think about the future.....where are you, Phil and I in the future?
Currently, Phil is trapped in Miami like it were a black hole. Similarly, New York City has you in its evil clutches. However, we will all be reunited in orbital Fatty Patrol HQ when this earth is laid to burnination.
4. Is there ANY WAY I could get you to move into New York City?
Yes, it is possible. You must first get me very rich, then eradicate about 90 percent of the city's population (including the Yankees, that homeless guy, and subway rats), clean up the city, demolish approximately 3 burroughs, and schedule TMBG to play at my welcome party. That would do it.
5. Describe your thought processes from start to finish involving that incident in Times Square at 4 in the morning.
Pre-incident: I am invincible
0.1 ms: This man undoubtably smells bad. Avoid him.
5 s: What -do- I mean, "what"?
6 s: Is he armed?
10 s: Yep, he's armed
11 s: Damn, Paul looks GOOD today.
12 s: Wait, what's going on?
14 s: Oh, right, armed homeless man.
15 s: Hi. Bruce Wayne.
16 s: Focus focus focus focus
17 s: That is definitely a bottle of Snapple
18 s: This bastard is not getting my wallet
20 s: Hmm...I bet I look silly fishing ones out of my wallet
25 s: See ya, sucker!
45 s: Let's go back and vaporize that asshole
Post incident: I am invincible.
6. Do you think John "The Smuggler" Linnell ever got his letter?
I'd like to think that that letter is like a time capsule. Somewhere down the road, at the end of the tour, when the glory has faded, and John is reduced to panhandling the streets of New York, he will miraculously find that letter in the trash. His (mechanical)heart will burst and he will die with a smile on his face.
7. You must kill either Phil or I. Think hard and tell which one and why.
Easy, I'd kill you. With a knife or blunt object. Because I know that I would never be successful, due to your resistant, ferro-plasti hide. That way, you and I could live together, locked in an endless dance of death. I could work on my stabbing muscles, which would better allow me to do the Gun Show joke, which I shall reclaim from Jade. This will help me meet our favorite bands, as it has for her. Knowing the bands we like, they probably won't be too put off by the fact that I am continually stabbing you. Heck, we may even get a place in a video!
8. You must felch either Phil or I. IMPULSE ANSWER!
I must find a dog to train. Why oh why do I even understand what this question means?
9. Here's very big what if...What if I was the norm? A brief description.
I believe I wrote a paper on this in grade 12. As I recall, it was even titled, "A Big What If". Ah, but that I could recover it. To briefly summarize: the NBA is much less popular. Race relations issues are briefly magnified, then a de facto solution is reached. Bowling alleys are constructed out of stainless, dent-resistant steel. The soft drink market is always dominated by one drink, although the identity of this drink changes about once every two years. Pinkie is hailed as a god-king. Geo Metro roofs are raised about 5 inches, and their trunks slightly expanded. Actually, I don't think any of that crap was in the original. John Linnell is deconstructed, his parts analyzed, and multiple copies are built. Do you have that? Can it be posted here?
10. Where do think Derek is right now? How did he get there?
Derek, formerly the leader of the Underground Resistance, killed an older man, and wears his skin. In this disguise, he ran for President under the psuedonym "General Wes Clark". Last night, he dropped out of the race, to pursue a career re-writing the works of great, dead authors. Along the way, he's has some adventures and made some friends, accompanied always by his faithful Saint Bernard, Winston.
11. Same question with Maggot Kid?
Throughout the years, Maggot Kid felt a continuing need to go DOWN. He originally thought this was due to his burrowing maggot nature, however, he has since come to grips with the fact that this is simply a "gut" reaction to his obesity, and to his rudimentary understanding that by going underneath a percentage of the Earth's mass, gravity will be effectively lower. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan, given gravity's inverse square relationship with distance! However, MK was never known for his smarts. Still, he found a happy solution, and retreated to the Dead Sea, the lowest place on earth. Here, the bouyancy force of the salty water makes him feel spry and nimble, so that he can order deep-fried twinkies with impunity.
12. Why haven't I received a basket of brie and Basque berets?
Because I don't know your address.
13. When are you getting back and what are your plans and where shall the party be?
When am I getting back? Errr... who knows. Maybe August (I graduate at the end of July). Maybe September, if I travel or have to return to Thailand to finish up work after graduation. Maybe Summer 2005 if I go to school in Paris. But the party will be grand, whenever I return. My plans were deterred when Wesley Willis died, but I will not be defeated. Think "WayneStock", but with cooler bands. Hosted by Bruce Wayne. Start planning now!
Christina's Questions
1. What do you hate most about me. No bullshit.
2. If you had a penis, what would you do with it?
3. Whose life story would you like to write/direct a film about?
4. What's the next sexual arabesque would you like to try?
5. If you had to take one human life who would you kill?
Sorry if any of you don't like your questions. Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck off and die and answer these in a timely fashion.
1. Why do you hate me? I want specific reasons and examples supporting each.
2. Anal? Have you? Will you? Why/why not?
3. Are a drunken man's words a sober man's thoughts? If so, why do you always ask if I'm in love with you when you're drunk?
4. Aside from me, whom do you and hate and why?
5. What do you think Black man semen tastes like?
Denise's Questions
1. If you had your choice, which Tucker would you pick to be your love slave and why?
2. Why were you so scared of the Giovanni but so willing to sex up Joel, a perfect stranger?
3. If you could be insulted on national television by any celebrity who would it be and why?
4. What are your feelings towards erections?
5. Why are you the Butcher?
Jade's Questions
1. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?????!!!!!Sorry.
2. What would kill you faster: being stranded in Boston in February wearing a skimpy stripped dress or being stranded in the bathroom of 8F (the one Alex used)?
3. How do you continue to tolerate my stupidity?
4. Doesn't Trevor look like Martin Short? Why do you think that is?
5. Will I ever get to see you naked?
6. We know your feelings on Linnell, but what about Flans? Would you sex him up?
7. What is your favorite TMBG and why?
8. Where's my kangaroo?
9. What's with Clue...DO?
10. The idea/concept/reality of Vegemite is one of the only aspects of Australian culture that terrifies and sickens me, what in our American culture terrifies/sickens you and why?
11. Want to come and see my new place? You can live with me for a week then Heather then Matt and GC then Trevor.
12. If you could bang just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
13. If you had to kill just one, who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
14. If you had to live with one forever who would it be: Phil, Will or myself and why?
15. What would really make your day if you got it in the mail from me?
Will's Questions
1. Who is Lord over Greater Orlando and for how long?
Nigel Clarke is Lord over Greater Orlando, and has been since at least Christmas Eve, 1999. Some experts place the date of His Ascension earlier, perhaps back as far as when he taught Pele.
2. You have become the Ultimate Deity and have decided to make a planet. Describe this planet in detail in all aspects: environment, inhabitants, vegetation etc.
Will's simple directions for constructing my planet:
a) gather all material in the solar system.
b) pulverize it
c) use it to construct a huge sphere around the sun
d) creatively use heavy materials to generate desired gravity field, where "desired gravity field" means "gravity field sufficient to root fattys to the spot where they lay, helpless targets for the crusading fatty patrol"
e) sit back and wait for a huge meteor to impact the sphere with sufficent force to penetrate its surface
f) watch chaos ensue
g) laugh
h) retreat back to my home planet, which is something like Valhalla, except with hundreds of virgins for my amusement, and giant statues of you, me, and phil.
3. Think about the future.....where are you, Phil and I in the future?
Currently, Phil is trapped in Miami like it were a black hole. Similarly, New York City has you in its evil clutches. However, we will all be reunited in orbital Fatty Patrol HQ when this earth is laid to burnination.
4. Is there ANY WAY I could get you to move into New York City?
Yes, it is possible. You must first get me very rich, then eradicate about 90 percent of the city's population (including the Yankees, that homeless guy, and subway rats), clean up the city, demolish approximately 3 burroughs, and schedule TMBG to play at my welcome party. That would do it.
5. Describe your thought processes from start to finish involving that incident in Times Square at 4 in the morning.
Pre-incident: I am invincible
0.1 ms: This man undoubtably smells bad. Avoid him.
5 s: What -do- I mean, "what"?
6 s: Is he armed?
10 s: Yep, he's armed
11 s: Damn, Paul looks GOOD today.
12 s: Wait, what's going on?
14 s: Oh, right, armed homeless man.
15 s: Hi. Bruce Wayne.
16 s: Focus focus focus focus
17 s: That is definitely a bottle of Snapple
18 s: This bastard is not getting my wallet
20 s: Hmm...I bet I look silly fishing ones out of my wallet
25 s: See ya, sucker!
45 s: Let's go back and vaporize that asshole
Post incident: I am invincible.
6. Do you think John "The Smuggler" Linnell ever got his letter?
I'd like to think that that letter is like a time capsule. Somewhere down the road, at the end of the tour, when the glory has faded, and John is reduced to panhandling the streets of New York, he will miraculously find that letter in the trash. His (mechanical)heart will burst and he will die with a smile on his face.
7. You must kill either Phil or I. Think hard and tell which one and why.
Easy, I'd kill you. With a knife or blunt object. Because I know that I would never be successful, due to your resistant, ferro-plasti hide. That way, you and I could live together, locked in an endless dance of death. I could work on my stabbing muscles, which would better allow me to do the Gun Show joke, which I shall reclaim from Jade. This will help me meet our favorite bands, as it has for her. Knowing the bands we like, they probably won't be too put off by the fact that I am continually stabbing you. Heck, we may even get a place in a video!
8. You must felch either Phil or I. IMPULSE ANSWER!
I must find a dog to train. Why oh why do I even understand what this question means?
9. Here's very big what if...What if I was the norm? A brief description.
I believe I wrote a paper on this in grade 12. As I recall, it was even titled, "A Big What If". Ah, but that I could recover it. To briefly summarize: the NBA is much less popular. Race relations issues are briefly magnified, then a de facto solution is reached. Bowling alleys are constructed out of stainless, dent-resistant steel. The soft drink market is always dominated by one drink, although the identity of this drink changes about once every two years. Pinkie is hailed as a god-king. Geo Metro roofs are raised about 5 inches, and their trunks slightly expanded. Actually, I don't think any of that crap was in the original. John Linnell is deconstructed, his parts analyzed, and multiple copies are built. Do you have that? Can it be posted here?
10. Where do think Derek is right now? How did he get there?
Derek, formerly the leader of the Underground Resistance, killed an older man, and wears his skin. In this disguise, he ran for President under the psuedonym "General Wes Clark". Last night, he dropped out of the race, to pursue a career re-writing the works of great, dead authors. Along the way, he's has some adventures and made some friends, accompanied always by his faithful Saint Bernard, Winston.
11. Same question with Maggot Kid?
Throughout the years, Maggot Kid felt a continuing need to go DOWN. He originally thought this was due to his burrowing maggot nature, however, he has since come to grips with the fact that this is simply a "gut" reaction to his obesity, and to his rudimentary understanding that by going underneath a percentage of the Earth's mass, gravity will be effectively lower. Clearly, this was not a well thought out plan, given gravity's inverse square relationship with distance! However, MK was never known for his smarts. Still, he found a happy solution, and retreated to the Dead Sea, the lowest place on earth. Here, the bouyancy force of the salty water makes him feel spry and nimble, so that he can order deep-fried twinkies with impunity.
12. Why haven't I received a basket of brie and Basque berets?
Because I don't know your address.
13. When are you getting back and what are your plans and where shall the party be?
When am I getting back? Errr... who knows. Maybe August (I graduate at the end of July). Maybe September, if I travel or have to return to Thailand to finish up work after graduation. Maybe Summer 2005 if I go to school in Paris. But the party will be grand, whenever I return. My plans were deterred when Wesley Willis died, but I will not be defeated. Think "WayneStock", but with cooler bands. Hosted by Bruce Wayne. Start planning now!
Christina's Questions
1. What do you hate most about me. No bullshit.
2. If you had a penis, what would you do with it?
3. Whose life story would you like to write/direct a film about?
4. What's the next sexual arabesque would you like to try?
5. If you had to take one human life who would you kill?
Sorry if any of you don't like your questions. Actually, no, I'm not. Fuck off and die and answer these in a timely fashion.
1.30.2004
Don't you all think the fact that I'm a 6'8 homo-superior isolates me from you unevolved homo-sapiens enough already? ASK ME MANY QUESTIONS! THE TOTEM PAUL DEMANDS THE SACRIFICE OF INQUISITION!!
Christina's Questions
1.What do you fear most in life?
Being hugged by fat sweaty people...and getting proximity erections.
2.If you had to choose between fucking Jon Linnel or Crispin Glover, who would you pick and why? (you’re the catcher for at least one round)
Well, since you told me I HAD to answer, Crispin Glover because Linnell is straight. He's married and has a kid, but Crispin, I get that "I've fucked men in the ass before" vibe from him, so I have a feeling that he'd be gentle. And perhaps, laying there in our post anal coitial fluids he and I might sing a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walking". Plus, his skin is just so smooth. For future reference, I do not find any male artists attractive sexually. I used to think, maybe Trent Reznor, but after learning about how much of a procrastinator he is, I'd be afraid of getting lethargy and distraction on my penis, my beautiful, beautiful, gleaming Robbie Williams penis.
3.Phil or Will: Who scares you more and why?
Philip, Will and I share a small part of our brains that most people aren't even aware of. Because of this fact, we all scare each other, love each other and fear each other in the exact same amount: quite a bit. All three of us can appear completely "balanced" at any point in time, but at any second, that little node in our collective consciousness could twinge and *boom*, catastrophe. It's hard to explain.
4.If you had to live one place besides New York City, where would it be and why?
I'd live on the coast of an ocean somewhere. On a cliff. See in New York, I am always surrounded by people and if the stress ever gets to me and I have to kill my self, I have yet another stressful decision to make: the method of mine own demise. By the time I decide to run up to the roof and throw myself off, I've become distracted by a Twinkie ("Tell him about the Twinkie...") but, if I lived on a seaside cliff; I could just sprint through my plate-glass doors and be done. Boom. Duckman.
5.If you were a drag queen, what would your drag queen name be, what would you wear, and what would be your act?
My name would be the Glorious S. or the Glorious Ess. S is sexy, sensual, secretive and sassy. Ess is essential, in all senses of the word. I would wear long, black, elegant evening gowns that cost no less than $10,000. I would sing sad, aching love songs and consider myself the reincarnation of every beautiful woman who lived from 1920 to 1930. I would not let anyone see me during my transformation. I would go in as Paul and emerge as the Glorious S. Men would want me because I have a decade worth of lust inside of me but I would not give them a second glance for I also have inside of me an entire decade worth of heart splinters from all the trauma and tragedy. I'd make men nut in their pants...more so than I do now.
Jade's Answers To Christina's Questions For Paul
1. Sock Monkeys
2. LINNELL!!! He freaks me out, but I'd totally do him, any day of the week
3. Phil. Because he's so damn swarthy
4. Sydney, because it really is the most incredible place ever made
5. I don't know. I'd wear some kind of skimpy maraboo number that exposed my adams apple and I'd do something that displayed my awesome flexibility and juggling skills
Will's Questions
1 - If, hypothetically, while wandering through the woods, you came up to a huge mound of dirt; and if, hypothetically, this huge mound was warm, especially near a gaping hole in it; and, hyphothetically, if this hyptothetical hole had fire shooting out of it, would it be proper to jump up and down on this mound? To throw tanks of gasoline at it? To record it?
Yes, yes and yes. Also, I would take time searching for discarded palm fronds that would make the fire bigger and more dangerous.
2 - Is there any sound in the world more terrifying than a coyote when you have French Silk pie smeared all over your face.
The sound of Sunir becoming aroused mere inches from my pie smeared face. And conversely, the most arousing sound is that of three men standing in a shower trying to eat a French Silk Pie and then giving up and smearing it all over each other. By the by, I need copies of those pics, I lose mine way back at the start of my freshman year.
3 - Do you think I'm rooting for Phil or myself on that felching question?
I know that if one enjoyed it, the other would demand it.
4 - You have dated a woman who has stayed in your hemisphere for multiple years. I am 3 months away from pulling the opposite hemisphere shit all over again. What do you say about THAT, motherfucker?
Maybe this felching thing just became more real? I'm not sure... Didn't we discuss showering AT LEAST every ten days? Oh and don't mention me til the wedding night, and then don't stop mentioning me.
5 - Everyone else seemed to do five questions. I will mess with them by inserting a comment. Ha ha!
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Look to the night sky and tremble!
6 - I am investigating your freak paranormal abilities. Who do you like in the Super Bowl, and by how much? Note: it is considered cheating if you ask anyone who is playing. Nuther Note: I'll give you 1/2 of what I earn in Vegas if this work.
I have seen in my tablets that the team from the most North shall triumph. I'd say by at lease 14 points. It is written, so it shall come to pass. I have spoken.
7 - You say there is plenty of work for me in NYC. What work? Does it involve felching? Does it involve beating up homeless men?
I am building a rocket. And as far as felching and brutalizing homeless men, that's what the weekends are for. What do you mean WHAT.
8 - What do you mean, what? I had to put that in there.
I honestly finished answering the 7th question before reading the 8th. And by "what" I mean which thing or which particular one of many.
9 - As you have gotten older, have your music tastes: evolved, ripened, festered, sweetened, or fled?
All of the above. Whereas I used to leave the radio on for days at a time, now I have my dozen or so bands I follow religiously/fanatically/obsessively and I cannot stand the radio, unless it's They Might Be Giants on NPR. I am on the look out for new stuff, but the novelty wears off as soon as I hear that one of the dozen might possibly have an album coming out in the next 3 years. To be accurate, I still love Cake, Nine Inch Nails, TMBG, Prince, Marilyn Manson and eels, just like in high school, but now the loving has deepened. I enjoy more music than just that, but a concert of any of the above would overtake any interest in any other band. I have not added any other favorites although I have broadened my spectrum a bit. I am happy in my niche. Good one.
10 - Is that...a dead baby? A dead...dog baby?
Only if you walk, fully clothed, into the pool, think all Black people are from Africa, spend Saturday mornings walking around on the roof with a leaf blower making sure leaves don't pile up there and assert the reason Jews don't eat meat and dairy has something to do with plates.
11 - Please properly punctuate the above.
Looks like a dead...baby. A dead...dog baby...
12 - Why hasn't your huge ass picked up filled, hopped across that measily Atlantic and come to visit me yet?
Lack of money. And Phil was sleeping. And Vovo wouldn't wake him up.
13 - If they had a sing-off, both doing "Kiss", who would win, Prince or Tom Jones? Could Michael Jackson and George Michael be hired as judges?
Kaitlyn's Questions
1. What would you do if Chris found out she had Shrinkitis and over the course of a year was going to whittle down to three feet tall?
I would continue to grow taller, as is the natural order of things.
2. Denise is in love with you. How does that make you feel?
Moist.
3. Phil or Will: who would you rather felch and why?
Phil, because he keeps his anus VERY clean, also, Will is a hairy man and if I'm going to felch, I don't want to have to floss first. Unless you meant to use the word "fletch"...
4. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I can't reveal that yet. I will someday, on my death bed or in my suicide note or something.
5. If it came down to it and the opportunity was there, would you fuck Prince?
Seriously, maybe. Maybe I'd just touch his penis. I am answering this without having read Possessed: The Rise and Fall of Prince yet, so I might change my answer based on the book. I'll let you know.
Denise's Questions
1. Have you ever had Joggers Nipple? Are you sure?
I have no idea what that is, but since I don’t jog, I'll just say probably not.
2. If you could only use 3 words in the English language (a verb, a noun and an adjective) what would they be?
Dig, dude, lovesexy. If the question were extended to include adverb, exclamation, gerund and participle...totally, fuck, rocking, funkified.
3. The country’s grape soda supply has been exhausted. What do you do?
Turn back to Vanilla coke or Sprite or Snapple Lemon Ice Tea, all previously abused beverages for me.
4. What character (from a book or movie) do you feel you most resemble? Why?
Wow, excellent fucking question Denise. Part of me wants to answer the BFG from the book of the same title because part of me is indeed a Big Friendly Giant. Although part of me also feels like the Author from Edward Gorey's The Chinese Obelisk. From the start of the story, he sets off and wanders through the day with a dreadful sense of doom hanging over his head. At the end of the story, he is crushed by a falling urn. I feel like that.
5. What do you feel is the biggest misconception women have of men?
That we're all big and strong. In reality we are crying all the time.
Christina's Questions
1.What do you fear most in life?
Being hugged by fat sweaty people...and getting proximity erections.
2.If you had to choose between fucking Jon Linnel or Crispin Glover, who would you pick and why? (you’re the catcher for at least one round)
Well, since you told me I HAD to answer, Crispin Glover because Linnell is straight. He's married and has a kid, but Crispin, I get that "I've fucked men in the ass before" vibe from him, so I have a feeling that he'd be gentle. And perhaps, laying there in our post anal coitial fluids he and I might sing a rousing rendition of "These Boots Are Made for Walking". Plus, his skin is just so smooth. For future reference, I do not find any male artists attractive sexually. I used to think, maybe Trent Reznor, but after learning about how much of a procrastinator he is, I'd be afraid of getting lethargy and distraction on my penis, my beautiful, beautiful, gleaming Robbie Williams penis.
3.Phil or Will: Who scares you more and why?
Philip, Will and I share a small part of our brains that most people aren't even aware of. Because of this fact, we all scare each other, love each other and fear each other in the exact same amount: quite a bit. All three of us can appear completely "balanced" at any point in time, but at any second, that little node in our collective consciousness could twinge and *boom*, catastrophe. It's hard to explain.
4.If you had to live one place besides New York City, where would it be and why?
I'd live on the coast of an ocean somewhere. On a cliff. See in New York, I am always surrounded by people and if the stress ever gets to me and I have to kill my self, I have yet another stressful decision to make: the method of mine own demise. By the time I decide to run up to the roof and throw myself off, I've become distracted by a Twinkie ("Tell him about the Twinkie...") but, if I lived on a seaside cliff; I could just sprint through my plate-glass doors and be done. Boom. Duckman.
5.If you were a drag queen, what would your drag queen name be, what would you wear, and what would be your act?
My name would be the Glorious S. or the Glorious Ess. S is sexy, sensual, secretive and sassy. Ess is essential, in all senses of the word. I would wear long, black, elegant evening gowns that cost no less than $10,000. I would sing sad, aching love songs and consider myself the reincarnation of every beautiful woman who lived from 1920 to 1930. I would not let anyone see me during my transformation. I would go in as Paul and emerge as the Glorious S. Men would want me because I have a decade worth of lust inside of me but I would not give them a second glance for I also have inside of me an entire decade worth of heart splinters from all the trauma and tragedy. I'd make men nut in their pants...more so than I do now.
Jade's Answers To Christina's Questions For Paul
1. Sock Monkeys
2. LINNELL!!! He freaks me out, but I'd totally do him, any day of the week
3. Phil. Because he's so damn swarthy
4. Sydney, because it really is the most incredible place ever made
5. I don't know. I'd wear some kind of skimpy maraboo number that exposed my adams apple and I'd do something that displayed my awesome flexibility and juggling skills
Will's Questions
1 - If, hypothetically, while wandering through the woods, you came up to a huge mound of dirt; and if, hypothetically, this huge mound was warm, especially near a gaping hole in it; and, hyphothetically, if this hyptothetical hole had fire shooting out of it, would it be proper to jump up and down on this mound? To throw tanks of gasoline at it? To record it?
Yes, yes and yes. Also, I would take time searching for discarded palm fronds that would make the fire bigger and more dangerous.
2 - Is there any sound in the world more terrifying than a coyote when you have French Silk pie smeared all over your face.
The sound of Sunir becoming aroused mere inches from my pie smeared face. And conversely, the most arousing sound is that of three men standing in a shower trying to eat a French Silk Pie and then giving up and smearing it all over each other. By the by, I need copies of those pics, I lose mine way back at the start of my freshman year.
3 - Do you think I'm rooting for Phil or myself on that felching question?
I know that if one enjoyed it, the other would demand it.
4 - You have dated a woman who has stayed in your hemisphere for multiple years. I am 3 months away from pulling the opposite hemisphere shit all over again. What do you say about THAT, motherfucker?
Maybe this felching thing just became more real? I'm not sure... Didn't we discuss showering AT LEAST every ten days? Oh and don't mention me til the wedding night, and then don't stop mentioning me.
5 - Everyone else seemed to do five questions. I will mess with them by inserting a comment. Ha ha!
I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse! Look to the night sky and tremble!
6 - I am investigating your freak paranormal abilities. Who do you like in the Super Bowl, and by how much? Note: it is considered cheating if you ask anyone who is playing. Nuther Note: I'll give you 1/2 of what I earn in Vegas if this work.
I have seen in my tablets that the team from the most North shall triumph. I'd say by at lease 14 points. It is written, so it shall come to pass. I have spoken.
7 - You say there is plenty of work for me in NYC. What work? Does it involve felching? Does it involve beating up homeless men?
I am building a rocket. And as far as felching and brutalizing homeless men, that's what the weekends are for. What do you mean WHAT.
8 - What do you mean, what? I had to put that in there.
I honestly finished answering the 7th question before reading the 8th. And by "what" I mean which thing or which particular one of many.
9 - As you have gotten older, have your music tastes: evolved, ripened, festered, sweetened, or fled?
All of the above. Whereas I used to leave the radio on for days at a time, now I have my dozen or so bands I follow religiously/fanatically/obsessively and I cannot stand the radio, unless it's They Might Be Giants on NPR. I am on the look out for new stuff, but the novelty wears off as soon as I hear that one of the dozen might possibly have an album coming out in the next 3 years. To be accurate, I still love Cake, Nine Inch Nails, TMBG, Prince, Marilyn Manson and eels, just like in high school, but now the loving has deepened. I enjoy more music than just that, but a concert of any of the above would overtake any interest in any other band. I have not added any other favorites although I have broadened my spectrum a bit. I am happy in my niche. Good one.
10 - Is that...a dead baby? A dead...dog baby?
Only if you walk, fully clothed, into the pool, think all Black people are from Africa, spend Saturday mornings walking around on the roof with a leaf blower making sure leaves don't pile up there and assert the reason Jews don't eat meat and dairy has something to do with plates.
11 - Please properly punctuate the above.
Looks like a dead...baby. A dead...dog baby...
12 - Why hasn't your huge ass picked up filled, hopped across that measily Atlantic and come to visit me yet?
Lack of money. And Phil was sleeping. And Vovo wouldn't wake him up.
13 - If they had a sing-off, both doing "Kiss", who would win, Prince or Tom Jones? Could Michael Jackson and George Michael be hired as judges?
Kaitlyn's Questions
1. What would you do if Chris found out she had Shrinkitis and over the course of a year was going to whittle down to three feet tall?
I would continue to grow taller, as is the natural order of things.
2. Denise is in love with you. How does that make you feel?
Moist.
3. Phil or Will: who would you rather felch and why?
Phil, because he keeps his anus VERY clean, also, Will is a hairy man and if I'm going to felch, I don't want to have to floss first. Unless you meant to use the word "fletch"...
4. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?
I can't reveal that yet. I will someday, on my death bed or in my suicide note or something.
5. If it came down to it and the opportunity was there, would you fuck Prince?
Seriously, maybe. Maybe I'd just touch his penis. I am answering this without having read Possessed: The Rise and Fall of Prince yet, so I might change my answer based on the book. I'll let you know.
Denise's Questions
1. Have you ever had Joggers Nipple? Are you sure?
I have no idea what that is, but since I don’t jog, I'll just say probably not.
2. If you could only use 3 words in the English language (a verb, a noun and an adjective) what would they be?
Dig, dude, lovesexy. If the question were extended to include adverb, exclamation, gerund and participle...totally, fuck, rocking, funkified.
3. The country’s grape soda supply has been exhausted. What do you do?
Turn back to Vanilla coke or Sprite or Snapple Lemon Ice Tea, all previously abused beverages for me.
4. What character (from a book or movie) do you feel you most resemble? Why?
Wow, excellent fucking question Denise. Part of me wants to answer the BFG from the book of the same title because part of me is indeed a Big Friendly Giant. Although part of me also feels like the Author from Edward Gorey's The Chinese Obelisk. From the start of the story, he sets off and wanders through the day with a dreadful sense of doom hanging over his head. At the end of the story, he is crushed by a falling urn. I feel like that.
5. What do you feel is the biggest misconception women have of men?
That we're all big and strong. In reality we are crying all the time.
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