An Open Letter To Tony Hawk

7.12.10

3:20 pm

Dear Tony,

May I call you Tony?

Great.

Fuck you, Tony.

In case you're wondering if I'm just some massive skateboarding fan who is jealous of your "madd skillz", I am not.

The fact that you are a multi-millionaire skateboarder makes enough people angry as it is, I'm sure.

I'm writing this letter in response to your recent interview with Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.

You've heard of them, right?

You're a big fan, right?

You've been wanting to sit down and talk with Trent Reznor for years now, right?

That's what you said, at least.

Well, one of out three ain't bad, right?

Wrong, Tony.

Wrong.

This is life, not skateboarding.

And even though one of out three might be considered a wicked ollie dinger penis in skateboarding, in life it means 33.33%...which is failing.

Tony, let me list for you, as a person who's been a fan of Nine Inch Nails for years, what types of questions a person who's been a fan of Nine Inch Nails for years (like you, right?) does NOT ask in an interview with Trent Reznor (of the band Nine Inch Nails, of which you are a fan):

• All the questions that were asked of Trent Reznor over a decade ago
• AKA all the questions that anyone taking three minutes to Google search, then read a Wikipedia entry on Nine Inch Nails, would have had answered for them by even the most basic FAQ
• AKA all the questions you asked in your interview

"Why did it take so long between records?"

"Who were your influences?"

"What does the band's name mean?"

SERIOUSLY?

Are you a 12-year old girl?

Are you an MTV executive?

Are you a time traveler?

Because even these people have access to the Internet.*

Tony.

Tony.

What the fuck.

This band has been around since 1989.

Have you ever even seen an interview with Trent Reznor?

Maybe heard someone talking about reading one?

Because every question you asked has not only been answered a thousand times by Reznor, but they are also so overasked, that even fans know the answers!

Fans like you, right?

Who've been wanting to sit down with Trent Reznor for years, right?

And ask him what he thinks your favorite color is, right?

THAT would have at least been funny, you wicked masher skanking roughhouse ass mango, you.

Good luck with your continued career of riding around on a plank of wood with wheels.

You look adorable in your little helmet.

Sincerely,

Rolling Half Pipe Stovetop Stuffing

* And , even if the time traveler had come from, like, 1883 to interview Reznor, he'd still have asked someone about where he could find information on the person he was about to interview, it's common sense.